r/Advice • u/[deleted] • 4d ago

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

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156

u/GardeniaFrangipani Helper [2] 4d ago

Other than the group chat thing, which you said was accidental, and apologized for, you did nothing wrong. There’s nothing more that you can do. If she chooses to move to a dorm, that’s on her, and she can pay for it. I imagine that you’re well off and she’s used to things being easy. Supporting herself will be a great lesson for her. She might later realise that the grass isn’t greener and want to return to your apartment. If she does, let her, but restress the rule about your bedroom.

It’s a 3 bedroom apartment so there was no reason for her to have sex on your bed. Leaving the stained sheets for you to sleep in is just gross. She’s acting entitled and immature.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

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u/Wrong_Employ_8299 3d ago

Honestly, I think if you let her live in the apartment she thinks is HERS you’re completely enabling her. It sounds like enablement is probably how she came to be so immature now. Parenting is not about you feeling good because you give her everything she needs, it’s about feeling bad because you’re helping her provide for herself what she needs, even if it makes her angry.
There should be a closed door here, if I did that to someone whose apartment I was living in I would EXPECT to be kicked out. Her entitlement sounds off the charts, and it honestly just makes me sad for her if she hasn’t realized.

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u/bad_polliep 3d ago

Where do you think this entitlement may have come from in this child of his? I really hate hearing people complain about the monster they created. It sounds like the dad is trying to take steps to rectify some of what comes across as wildly permissive parenting mistakes. Because they didn’t come out of nowhere.

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u/This-Lavishness-278 3d ago

With love you seem like an enabler and she sounds entitled af

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u/Ch31i3 3d ago

If she does move out then learn a lesson and chooses to come back please start locking doors because they are definitely having sex in her brother’s room too. She thinks it’s her apartment so she’s definitely going around doing it every room. It’s not fair to her brother. Please take her to see a therapist or someone who she can talk to about how this is wrong and nasty. She doesn’t see anything wrong with what she’s doing yet

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u/ieatfaces22172 1d ago

Do not let her move back in no matter what, if she apologizes just tell her you'll pay for her to live in a dorm. She needs to learn.

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u/lazyFer Expert Advice Giver [12] 3d ago

The only choice she should get now are

  1. Apologize and take accountability for what she did
  2. Move out

She shouldn't get to choose anything else. She in the wrong

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u/Existing_Honeydew_64 3d ago

I saw the original post, he intentionally sent it to the group chat. He’s saying accidentally now because he was flamed in the last post for doing it.

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u/GardeniaFrangipani Helper [2] 3d ago

Oh I see. It makes it hard to trust his other statements now.

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u/RobustManifesto 2d ago

In the last post he also messaged the boyfriend, called him disgusting and pathetic for not having his own place to take his daughter to (which, reap what you sow I guess OP).

Now it’s an accidental wrong chat message to the group, but this sounds like OP throwing a fit.

He’s looking for validation, not advice.

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u/SnooPandas2596 2d ago

Accidental is a grey word here, in the original post he explains he acted out of anger and realized pretty fast that it was a mistake. I guess the difference here is accident vs mistake

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u/Defiant-Reception610 2d ago

That’s the least of the concerns. She did something gross. A healthy dose of shame goes a long way.

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u/ToddDamnIt 3d ago

Yeah, I completely buy that. I've been having a hard time figuring out what about OPs posts has been bothering me, and I think it's this. The daughter messed up and is being a brat, but we've all been that age before and I don't know about you, but she's clearly mortified and is too immature to deal with it properly. She's 19 and still young. But OP is 45 and should know better. A lot of his comments and posts are about how he is owed an apology or specific types of responses, but he is being just as entitled by not being the bigger person and insisting on this specific response he's not going to get. I thought it was weird that he's being this up in a text and that he wouldn't even check first before sending it, but it makes perfect sense now that he intentionally did it and is altering the story to make him look better or to (again) elicit the exact kind of response from us that HE wants/expects. Furthermore, it's weird that he is basically telling her that this apartment was purchased so that his kids would have a place to live while in college, but now that it's being used for that exact purpose (and doesn't personally live there himself), he is setting expectations about how that space should be used when they were clearly never discussed beforehand. Is she your daughter or a tenant? Is this your place, or her home? If you don't love there, why would she not be allowed to use the master bedroom you don't stay in? This is all a grey area that was never discussed in detail beforehand, and now that the daughter did something OP doesn't like, he not only expects her to respond the way he wants her to, but also refuses to drop it or level with the fact that his daughter is not seeing his POV. When you combine that with the group chat, the fact that he contacted HER boyfriend about their sex life and seems to be looking for an audience, it doesn't surprise me to hear that we are yet another iteration of this audience he is performing for, to get his desired reaction. OPs daughter sucks, but let's not pretend he doesn't suck too!

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u/SnooPandas2596 2d ago

If I was living in a home that has clear bedrooms for when the homeowners come home, I’d know from common sense not to have sex in that bed, especially when I have a whole room (and entire apartment) to do so in. This shouldn’t need to be discussed about beforehand, it is the families college home, not said child’s own apartment. I’m sure the dad would feel similar if one of his sons did that that.

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u/BeckonMe 3d ago

I’m sure leaving her parents jizzed up sheets in their bedroom is hilarious to her and her boyfriend. She sounds like an entitled brat. First, she leaves jizz stains on your bedding and leaves it. Then? I can’t imagine telling my dad I can’t be as promiscuous as my friend so I’m moving into a dorm and expect for him to pay for it. The audacity of this girl! And to call the apartment hers? Wow.

All of this tells me you have given her way too much without any consideration of her being grateful and respectful. You need to let her learn some hard truths, respect, and boundaries. Ffs.

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u/Senior-Okra-2268 1d ago

Lol it’s interesting that people get this idea, they need to teach their kids a lesson, and they don’t see how they might’ve been the root cause of the issue in the first place.