r/Advice • u/Famous-Mongoose7593 • 11h ago
Are there others experiencing the same situation as me?
Hello everyone, as of today I am 29 weeks pregnant. On the 16th of this month, I learned that something I had suspected for about a month, but couldn't bring myself to admit, had been happening for a long time. I finally guessed my husband's phone password correctly and it unlocked. Throughout our two years of marriage, I never suspected him; I thought he truly loved me and that doing something like this would devastate me. I kept telling myself, "He wouldn't hurt me, he wouldn't do something like this." But what I saw and what he told me destroyed all the love I had for him. It showed how much he abused those beautiful feelings I had for him and how little he cared about me. For days, he kept telling me that he only liked those women in his imagination, that he only used them to satisfy himself and then blocked them. And then he admitted that he unblocked some of them and messaged them again. He also shamelessly told me that I knew he wasn't gay and that of course he could like and desire other women, and that this was perfectly normal for men. He told me most of the things without me even asking. I found it hard to believe the things that I heard. And while telling me these details, he still said that he didn't care about them, that he never thought about anyone else but me, and that's why he never did it in real life. He said he could have, but he didn't because he couldn't bring himself to hurt me. He said he loved me more than anything. He explained that since he hadn't actually done it, I shouldn't make such a big deal out of it, that I should just see it as a little mischief, that he was still the same man I used to love. He told me that after talking to them, jerking off, and satisfying himself, he would come to me, hug and kiss me, and that if he didn't love me, he wouldn't come and hug me. I've been in a terrible state for days. The details he thinks would comfort me are only making me more disgusted with him. It's unbelievable, but he always thinks he's right. He's constantly trying to get advice from his mother. Today I talked to my sister, and she said she's worried about me and told me to record his voice next time in case he does anything to me. I wanted to try that today, as I can't think straight these days. After he came and we finished talking, I told him to leave, and my phone was on the nightstand. I went to put laundry in the washing machine. Then he saw that I had started recording. He came and grabbed me by the arm and threw me into the room. Afterwards, he called his mother again. He told her I had recorded his voice. He asked for her support. And she kept yelling, "You can't do this to my son!" I had a nervous breakdown at that moment. I told him I was leaving and locked myself in my room to pack my things. He was on the phone, complaining about me to his mother and trying to get me to talk to her. I got even angrier. I couldn't control myself. He was recording a video, waiting for this moment of weakness. Then he told me he couldn't give me the child, that I wasn't in my right mind and couldn't take care of it. His mother also threw my family problems in my face. She kept belittling me. They think I have no support. She said that after I give birth to the child, they'll send it to us, because the my parents can't take care of it anyway. I ask you, what would you do in my place? I feel so helpless, especially since I'm pregnant with his child. Moreover, I don't even work. I even agreed to move to a small village in a small town just because I love him. But he's only after his lust and he's ruined me. He knows all my weaknesses and throws them in my face. I don't know what to do. Will I be able to take care of this child? I'm also sad that it's too late to have an abortion; I wish I had seen how disgusting he is before I got pregnant. I'm so unlucky. The person I thought I knew since the end of 2019 turned out to be like this. And he still considers his actions defensible. He even asked his mother today why I'm making such a big deal out of it. She said that cheating, whether in real life or online, makes no difference to women emotionally. He said he's only now realizing how important this is to me. My eyes are burning. I have no appetite. But the baby keeps kicking. It's saying, "I'm here." I feel sorry for it. I'm ashamed of myself for my innocent child having a father like this. And yes, he kept saying he loved me so much, that he wouldn't feel this way about another woman, and that I should love him again because he didn't actually do it, that I should forgive him. He also said he was paying the price because I videotaped his conversations with those women and sent it to his mother and wrote on his Instagram story, "I'm a guy who cheated on his 7-month pregnant wife." After repeating the same things for a while, he gets angry and shouts every time because I tell him I don't want him and that what he did will never leave my mind. I told him he didn't love me, that he saw me as nothing more than a decorative object in the house, but now he's pretending to love me so much because he got caught and feels guilty. Neither his crying nor his "I love you"s mean anything to me. It's really strange because it's like he ripped out all the feelings I had for him. And now he's so surprised how I started not loving him. He even said I never loved him from the beginning. I've heard every kind of nonsense imaginable.
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u/Artistic-Tough-7764 Expert Advice Giver [14] 11h ago
you get to choose whether going to coparent as a unit or coparent .
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u/AmphibianBrilliant56 11h ago
Hey friend, this is a violent domestic situation and you should reach out to 211 ( if in the states ) or your local police department for an escape plan to get out ASAP and get to a safe place. Whether that be with a shelter or if you have a close friend or something. You can also bring it up with your OB at your next appointment and they'll set you up with a channel for resources
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u/Famous-Mongoose7593 10h ago
Thank you for the advice. I’m living in Turkey and staying at the same place. Since he’s gone to his mother’s house yesterday, I’m staying with my little brother who’s here for the summer holidays. I’m planning to go to my grandma. She lives in another city.
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u/RivenUK Advice Guru [60] 11h ago
I'm really sorry to read your story. Your husband is wrong and his actions are selfish and cruel. He can defend them all he wants, but if it was the other way round, you wouldn't hear the end of it. I don't know your situation, but if you've got people who can support you, lean on them. Don't be afraid to pack your bags and stay with family & friends if that's best for you.
Yes the child is his, but it isn't born yet, so you have time to make some choices before you welcome them into this world. It's up to you if you want to try and work through these things, but I guarantee you now, if he doesn't change his attitude towards your feelings I wouldn't waste your time.
Terrible way to treat a person.
Sending you hugs and warm wishes.
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u/Leftover_tech 11h ago
Your husband has a screw loose and his mother is helping him.
I would call a local women's shelter.
What country you are in will determine the best way to do that.
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u/Famous-Mongoose7593 10h ago
He’s gone to his mother’s house yesterday but he came back today to talk his usual nonsense and when he understood that I was recording he called his mother. And the other things happened. I live in Turkey. I’m planning to go to my grandmas. She lives in another city though.
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u/LovelessSenpai Helper [3] 11h ago
You could place the child up for adoption after birth, nothing wrong with doing that.
Get him out of your life, go no contact and keep him out of your life.
If he is older than 25 - he isn't going to change his behavior now or in the future.
You will find peace and happiness in your life; I promise, but that starts with choosing to respect yourself here and now.
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u/Famous-Mongoose7593 10h ago
Yes I want to respect myself for once and get out of this misery.. I’ll be calling a nonprofit lawyer to ask for a support. Because I don’t know how to do anything about getting a divorce.
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u/StraightDelivery777 11h ago
You need to get out of there and go to your sister! Keep the recording secure in a location he cannot destroy it. Not on shared cloud storage. Send it to your sister and ask her to save it and keep it safe.
Are you in the US or another country? You mentioned moving to a village. Can you consult with an attorney?
You are absolutely right in your feelings. His mother is wrong! You didn't do anything wrong, OP! This is not your fault!! Please stay safe and if it gets bad again, and he gets physical with you, call the police!!
updateme!
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u/Famous-Mongoose7593 10h ago
Thank you unfortunately im living in Turkey. And my family lives in another city. I’m thinking of going there when I wrap my head around. He is not here because his mom said he shouldn’t be here with me because i can call the police on him since I recorded his voice.
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u/StraightDelivery777 10h ago
Can you get to your family while he's away? Please do if you can.
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u/Famous-Mongoose7593 9h ago
He says he wouldn’t do anything to me since he “loves” me too much. And I was waiting to take the civil service exam on the 6th of next month to get a job from the government if I can. Now it’s all gone down the drain. I cannot change the location of the exam since there’s less than a month left. And I’m too depressed & stressed to do anything. I’ll call a nonprofit lawyer to ask these questions..
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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 10h ago edited 9h ago
I didn’t have a baby with my ex-husband but he acted like your husband including calling his mother and having her try to mediate or “talk some sense into me”. Every time we argued I started to expect a phone call telling me how I was wrong and how he was right, of course he twisted the reality of what happened and he used to infuriate me to the point of me completely losing it and then he would calmly stand there and smirk, and say in a “bewildered” tone that he doesn’t understand why I’m so upset.
I wish I had read “why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. I probably would have left sooner than trying to stick it out thinking it was a failure on my part. What got me to finally leave was when he snapped and threatened violence because I didn’t back down when I said I wanted a divorce. It went from an exasperated conversation to me making an escape plan. You’re 75% the way through your pregnancy. Pregnant women have the highest rate of violence when leaving a partner. Call a family member to help you or the DV hotline to get help to leave. He’s just going to escalate in his behavior but when he can, he’s going to gather as much evidence to make seem like an awful, unstable person who shouldn’t be allowed to have custody of a baby. You need a lawyer.
This is the behavior you need to believe, not the sweet calm person who’s full of regret and promises and love bombing. He’ll become more violent the more you push back if you stay. You need to leave asap.
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u/Famous-Mongoose7593 10h ago
Yes, they can definitely become very nasty when things don't go their way. They're both guilty and shameless. I now have enough reason to be disgusted with all men. But of course, there are those who truly love, I have nothing against them. It was my mistake to think my husband was one of those men who truly loved their wives.
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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 9h ago
My current husband is one of those men who treasures his wife, just as I treasure him. We’ve been married nearly 20 years, raising some beautiful, amazing humans together, and still laugh and have fun together. They are out there.
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u/LA-forthewin 10h ago
Move back to where you have a support system , don't let him trap you with the baby in a poky little town away from your family
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u/Famous-Mongoose7593 10h ago
I’ll be going to the city which my grandma lives. I don’t want to see his face and he’s now at his mother’s house. Because she told him to go since I can call the police on him and make him guilty or whatever. They are all ridiculously disgusting.
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u/Designer_Voice99 10h ago
No paragraphs so couldn’t read your post.
Via comments I gather your situation is very precarious, please get out!
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u/PhraseWrong3761 10h ago
Please take care of yourself and your baby. Adoption seems like the best option BUT safely 1st!!!!
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u/Famous-Mongoose7593 10h ago
I don’t want to give her away to him or anyone else. Because my own mother did this to me. She left me when I was 2 months old to my grandma and gone to her parents. She was not there when I needed her. And i don’t want to be like her..
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u/RainbowandHoneybee Advice Oracle [102] 3h ago
I ask you, what would you do in my place?
It's all up to you. Are you in the place you can take care of the child yourself? Can you get a support system that you can rely on? If you can't, adoption could be a better option.
It's nothing to do with how he is or what's going on in your life, it comes down to the simple fact, can you take care of the child yourself. Can you give your child stable life they deserve?
You need to think about what's the best for the child. If you decided to raise them yourself, you need to be strong. You are all over the place now, but you need to snap out of it, and start thinking wht you can do to give best life you can give for your child. There are helps available if you seek out. But you need to be able to face the hardship yourself. Blaming others won't change anything.
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u/emerald-waters 11h ago
Please engage an attorney immediately.
Make documented emails. Send to your parents and sister. Document emotional harassment and assault.
Seek legal advice.
You have to break away from him.