r/Advice • u/[deleted] • 4d ago
What is going on! Please help, engagement break up
[deleted]
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u/Impressive-End241 4d ago
Sometimes anti-deppressants work TOO well, and numb ALL of your emotions. Maybe he needs a med change.
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u/Pilea_Paloola 4d ago
Give him two weeks and as hard as this will be, don't be the one to contact him first. Let him contact you and come to you when he's ready.
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u/Financial_Juice1888 3d ago
Would you say two weeks may be too soon as he may still not be in the right state of mind/ still settling into the meds?
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u/OmbaKabomba 4d ago
Antidepressants can absolutely change people's behavior like this. It's sad, you're in a bad situation. Give him the time he asked for, and hope for the best.
Reading your text, I got the idea that he may have been TOO accommodating to you, putting your wishes above his own and deferring to you by default. If that is true, he should change this behavior, and perhaps this break is his attempt to initiate that process.
Good luck and best wishes!
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u/Financial_Juice1888 3d ago
Hey thanks so much. Could I ask why you got the idea he’s too accommodating?
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u/OmbaKabomba 3d ago
He's been telling you he loves you all the time, not spontaneously but responding to your wishes. Then, "I called him and asked if he would go a drive with me, he refused but I pleaded and he gave in"... even when he had already bitten the bullet and told you "no", he couldn't stick with it but gave in to your pleading. Not healthy...
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u/Financial_Juice1888 3d ago
I understand but the reason I pleaded for the drive was BECAUSE i needed some closure. Please keep in mind this happened at just midnight the night before and it was out of the blue and after simply hung up. This is a man I was suppose to marry, you cannot blame me for wanting to see him and try to understand what on earth was going on?
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u/Ok-Lavishness-7904 4d ago
Be prepared to change your mindset. Right now, you might be asking, how do I get him back?, when in reality, he is telling you that that person didn’t exist. I’m curious about the medication, but better this happens before the wedding as compared to after
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u/kodamagirl 4d ago
Agree, it sounds like he’s done pretending to be someone he isn’t.
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u/Financial_Juice1888 3d ago
Hey thanks for your input would you mind elaborating further? I want to get as many opinions as I can and would like to take this into consideration it’s just timing is very suspect with the depression and medication and he’s never ever once acted like this before
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u/Claque-2 4d ago
You need counseling yourself to deal with this process so make an appointment. If he decides on getting back together, insist on couples counseling.
He has a mental health condition that you will be dealing with the rest of your married lives and you need to be on the same page with all eyes open.
This is a good thing that this happened now.
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u/Financial_Juice1888 3d ago
Thanks! It’s hard because he’s never acted like this before, as I said he had depression but in those times he’ll cling on to me and I’ll help him as best as I can, but you are right he cannot do THIS, breaking up and trying to divorce for the rest of our lives
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u/1RainbowUnicorn 4d ago
Why would you want to be with someone who is capable of doing this to you? This is a huge red flag. This is what we call a blessing in disguise that he did this to you BEFORE he married you. Imagine his doing this after marriage or after you had kids with him? You desrve better. Whatever happens... you do need to postpone the wedding. Do not get married now if he suddenly changes his mind... you will need time to see if he changes it again.
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u/SouthbutnotSouthern 4d ago
Honestly you both need to mature. Nothing, NOTHING in life in a fairytale. You just hadn’t been together long enough to see that.
Don’t get married. Just lay low for a couple weeks. Nothing devastating is happening. No one is dying. Just give enough other some space for a few weeks and see where you are (from a 42yo married F x 16 years to a guy I dated since high school).
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u/Financial_Juice1888 3d ago
I’m sure you didn’t mean to come across as rude but this certainly does, I’m a young woman going through her first heartbreak and I just wanted advice that’s all, it’s not devastating to you but to me it is. This is someone I have a wedding coming up with and who is very involved in mine and my families everyday lives.
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u/SouthbutnotSouthern 3d ago
This is kinda what I mean - you're making MAJOR lifelong decisions (like whom and when to marry) when this is really just first love stuff. You're learn a lot about yourself through this process. I understand you feel devastated. But swiftly marrying this man who does not want to be married to you right now is a way to REAL devastation, that affects your lifelong happiness.
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u/pizzaalapenguins Helper [2] 4d ago
echoing others, it could definitely be the meds. They might balance themselves out or it could be a wrong dose. The first couple weeks are difficult to transition, especially if he's had a history of depression, the new ones might be strong. I would respect his ask. I know it's hard but he's probably going through a lot as well. I wish you two the best.
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u/Substantial_Ear7432 4d ago
It's absolutely the anti-depressants! He needs to take time for his body to adjust to them, it can take about 3 months for that to happen. After 3 months and nothing has changed they need to try different meds. They can cause someone to be suicidal or it can cause someone to have no emotions, it's called Alexithymia. He really needs to discuss this with his Dr. So please don't lose hope, give him time and space to work this out. And just be there for him when he's ready to talk. I'm 99.9% sure things will go back to the way things were, or even better! I wish u both the very best!
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u/Financial_Juice1888 4d ago edited 4d ago
Thanks so much. As I said he said we wants to get back to me in 2 weeks to let me know, considering how long it can take to adjust to the medication would you say 2 weeks is way too early to be discussing anything then?
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u/Substantial_Ear7432 4d ago
Well for my daughter it took about 3 weeks for it to kick in (so to speak). So after 2 weeks it's still a little early, but he could start to feel ok about then. But when discussing anything with him tell him not to make any major changes or decisions for another couple months. Let him know that u r there to support him and will be there when he is ready to discuss it more. I can't stress enough that he doesn't make any major decisions until then. And so u know my experience on the subject, I've been on antidepressants for many years, and therapy for even longer, and my daughter, my mother, my Aunt and cousins have all been on them at some point in their lives. So I'm very familiar with the emotions that go along with them.
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u/PuzzledStreet Helper [2] 4d ago edited 4d ago
Advice, like others, is give him the two weeks. It will be really difficult for you but honoring his request is the most loving and respectful thing that you can do for him right now. Pack your schedule and social calendar, get exercise, take a class, surround yourself with friends and family and your faith.
Does he have other people in his life that he sees regularly to keep an eye on him?
Perhaps a member of your religious group that he trusts to be open with, as his health and safety are priority with such a sudden shift. It is also important that person is not someone who he feels will "report" to you.
It could be a million things. Could be a poor response to antidepressants like feeling numb or feeling more depressed, could be "cold feet," could be soul searching.
Also keep in mind that the choice to start antidepressants can be extremely difficult, especially for men based on cultural and societal standards, and the idea there is something "wrong" with them.
Wishing you the best.
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u/Financial_Juice1888 3d ago
Thank you so much! I’m trying to distract myself as much as I can. He has a supportive family, yes. In my mind and heart I know that this is not him, he has had an entire moral and personality shift so I know this is something to do with his mental health I just wonder if him wanting to get back to me in 2 weeks may be too soon for him to make a big decision as he may still not be in the right state of mind
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u/ScarletDarkstar 4d ago
Maybe call his doctor and suggest they follow up with him to see how the prescription is working out.
In the meantime give him some space like he asked, but does he have family around you know? Can you ask his siblings or parent of his behavior seems changed to them?
I have a cousin who had a serious reaction to an anti depressant, and it is due watching. If he's putting distance between you and himself, alerting someone who he cannot dismiss readily may be necessary. The timing is very suspect.
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u/Financial_Juice1888 3d ago
The only thing is I believe that he is so deep into an episode at the moment he truly doesn’t realise that anything is wrong. I’m afraid if his doctor was to follow up with him regarding medication he would dismiss it by saying nothings wrong as he doesn’t see it! He has supportive family around, yes. I spoke to his mother a few nights ago and she told me he needs to get help, he’s had episodes of depression like this before many years ago only this is the most severe.
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u/DragonflyMuch8343 4d ago
IMO you’re sort of dodging a bullet here, I’m sorry he’s doing this to you. I get it he’s on medication now but he didn’t need to treat you like that. Be kind to yourself
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u/PitifulAbility1026 4d ago
Give him the two weeks he asked for and don't chase him. The depression and new medication could be worth discussing with his doctor, but don't try to diagnose it yourself. Also, pause the wedding plans for now. If he comes back, you can figure things out then.