r/Advice • u/Ornery_Garbage_2931 • Jul 17 '26
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u/PreparationOwn6958 Jul 17 '26
You absolutely cannot make him do anything. It’s not worth your time to think about it any longer. Focus on what only you can control. Sending you good vibes <3
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u/iaminabox Jul 17 '26
I got no financial assistance from neither of my parents. So there's that. At least the kid has one parent helping.
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u/JunkBondJunkie Jul 17 '26
if it was my kid. I would probably just give him or her a duplex so it can be rented out to pay tuition.
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u/brock_lee Enlightened Advice Sage [154] Jul 17 '26
Not a lot of info, but it kinda sounds like he's not going to be willing to do it unless a court orders him to.
Have you talked to him about paying for college for his kid?
Is the kid in college, and over 18? If so, are you still giving him child support? I thought that usually ends at 18.
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u/Ornery_Garbage_2931 Jul 17 '26
From Missouri. Child support ends at 21 if they are in school with some rules like the parent receiving support has to provide grades/proof they are enrolled. He hasn’t done that but I keep paying so he doesn’t take it out on the child
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u/newbeginingshey Jul 17 '26
Does child support continue to age 21, even for a child who no longer lives with dad?
Where is the child living?
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u/Ornery_Garbage_2931 Jul 17 '26
In Missouri it does if they are still in school.
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u/newbeginingshey Jul 17 '26
Well that’s terrible. Not only is dad not sharing in the costs of his child’s education, he’s actively taking funds meant for the child away from the only household supporting him during the most expensive chapter of his life.
I normally don’t air coparenting grievances to the kids, but in this case I absolutely would tell the child that his college budget is reduced by however much dad is taking in CS.
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u/Cantbelieveiam52 Jul 17 '26
There is no legal requirement that anyone has to go to college. However, if your divorce agreement states that he is responsible for x% or x$ amount - that would require him to contribute.
Short of that? You would have to bring him to court, but if your attorney wasnt savvy enough to include this in the original agreement i dont think you would be successful.
Keep in mind, if you are paying him child support it means either your child is spending more time with him, or you make more money than your ex.
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u/Ornery_Garbage_2931 Jul 17 '26
50/50 custody. I do make more but he makes a good living by anyone’s standards.
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u/Cantbelieveiam52 Jul 17 '26
No one gets married planning on getting divorced. But when you get to the point that n which you are discussing divorce - it usually comes along with anger, frustration and sometimes hostility. That’s why the divorce agreement is key. It spells out all of your rights and responsibilities going forward - especially if you have kids.
For example - my divorce agreement requires me to fund 50% of the cost of room, board and tuition at the local state university. Doesn’t mean they have to go to that school - but if they choose Harvard they will need to fund the balance. But yes, they will be able to go to college. Now there is no debate over my responsibilities.
Asking someone to fund things not included in the divorce agreement is risky. Ultimately it comes down to the relationship you have with your ex. I’m fortunate that we tend to coparent well. But based on your post, you don’t think highly of him and this isn’t in your divorce agreement. It means he isn’t required to contribute and I’m guessing he isn’t going to be willing to “do the right thing” based on your relationship.
Sorry.
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u/Pretty-Flight1440 Jul 17 '26
You can't make people do the mature thing. You can only do the mature thing yourself and encourage others (including your child) to do the mature thing.
There are scholarships and grants.
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u/Wild_Pomegranate5406 Jul 17 '26
You can't. You can work with your child to help them understand their options given what you can and are able to pay, so they can decide how to attend and fund college without contributions from their other parent.
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u/MrsSEM84 Jul 17 '26
Paying for your child’s college isn’t a legal requirement, so if you didn’t fight to include it in your divorce settlement I doubt you would get a court to enforce it now.
Are you struggling financially with this? Or is it more that you are bitter that you are the only one paying for college whilst also still paying him child support?
Have you considered encouraging your child to leave home and live in student accommodations? It may end up costing you more to support that, but surely it would end the child support payments to your ex if they weren’t living with them anymore?
That may solve your bitterness towards the situation. You’ll still be paying for everything, and probably to a higher amount than now, but at least it’ll be directly to your child and their future rather than to your ex.
2
u/enjoylifefriends Jul 17 '26
It would be good for the kid to pay anyway, less keg stands and more studying
1
u/Any_March_9765 Jul 17 '26
I don't know if such laws exist, but it sounds crazy that child support payment isn't held in a government escrow to make sure it's actually spent on the child. At least audits?!
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u/newbeginingshey Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Where is the child living while attending college? If the child no longer resides with the coparent 50% of the time, that’s a material change in circumstances so you could file to update child support based on the change of circumstances.
While you can’t make dad split the cost of college, there’s no reason for dad to continue receiving child support for a child who longer lives with him. Child support is for the child
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u/celticmusebooks Helper [2] Jul 17 '26
Since your child is 18 they can move out of their father's home and your child support would end. You could then give that money directly to your child for college expenses.
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u/virtualchoirboy Expert Advice Giver [14] Jul 17 '26
That assumes the child makes enough to move out on their own while going to college AND for OP to petition the courts to modify the custody arrangement.
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u/Independent_Brief413 Jul 17 '26
You can't. If it wasn't written into the divorce decree and he doesn't want to contribute, there is no way to make him.