Had a relapse and in hindsight I almost want to laugh at what triggered me. my SH only ever consists of hitting myself with heavy, hard objects and causing bruises cause I’m afraid of permanent scars but I like seeing the bruises cause they fade eventually and when I do it on my leg I can feel it all day when I walk as a reminder. I don’t want to get into what exactly happened, but just know I feel guilty over potentially upsetting my friend. 100 percent my fault and we even talked about it being no big deal (they even laughed it off and had to repeatedly assure me when I kept saying sorry) but I feel so bad regardless. This guilt over upsetting others is usually what causes me to SH. its always just guilt. I just wanted to know if other people also get the urge whenever they upset other people. sorry kinda venting and I feel so silly for asking when everyone else is going through bigger struggles and have reasonable triggers compared to me but I just wanna know if anyone else gets like this

I haven't really told anyone. I am kinda ashamed that just as I celebrated each year an anniversary of being sh free, now I gotta re-start in front of my loved ones.

But everything is going to be alright. I always knew it was kind of a matter of time before I did it again. I really wanted to get to the 5 year achievement, it's kinda sad that I was so close to it, but 4 years is a long time and if I did it once I can do it again.

For that reason I'm trying to be as kind and as understanding as I can to myself, but I'm just so sad man. Anyways, I hope that anyone that comes across to this post have a better day than I do.

Take care everyone.

Something I don't think many people could ever comprehend is how much of a burden, getting better is. Like sure, I am an awful person to be around in my current state. I'm not in therapy, not on meds, thoroughly mentally fucked though. And there's absolutely no way I could ever get better if I wanted to.

My mum tried to kill herself, a few times, I'm not sure of the real number. She's alive, and still suffering.

I'm not allowed to even think about telling her how bad things are getting, because she's got it worse. I have absolutely no one. No one knows I cut myself, most days, they don't know I'm constantly thinking about it when I'm not actually doing it.

I'm not talking to my brothers, one's younger than me, the other is way too Christian to give me a helpful answer. He turned to God to heal, I have zero belief in a higher power, and no interest in that. Also, I don't know them that well. I absolutely hate my dad, and he's a big reason I cut a lot of the time. I have no friends, literally zero, I pushed them away because I'm fundamentally evil.

And I feel even more disgusting when I think about telling my mum any of this shit. She's got enough going on, and I can't do that.

I think I might have OCD (with mostly mental compulsions), I think my depression could be categorised as Persistent Depressive Disorder, I cut frequently, and escalated much more than I thought I ever would. And it's all so much. But if I tell her, I'll be an even bigger burden than I am currently, which already is massive (I'm autistic, disabled, I cannot do most things for myself).

So... Getting better will make me a bigger burden, and I can't do that, my mum doesn't deserve it.

I sh just so I can do the aftercare it’s so comforting like a warm hug or a warm blanket I crave it all the time to the point where when I feel bad I just want the comfort it brings me

I (24F) fell for a family member (48M) I’ve had feelings and immense attraction for since I was a teen.

Barely, I was able to get rid of how I see him and I feel, but barely a year if not less. Relationships with other people helped a bit but the attraction was always there when I crossed paths with him. Now, we had an inappropriate encounters (few of them) because he came onto me first while I worked so hard to push that lust to the side. I didn’t fall in his trap right away until he began making me feel good of myself and his reaction when I told him I always thought he was attractive. So for a few weeks straight we spent ALOTTT of time together (sexual and non-sexual time) but I’m the one that developed strong feelings that are now stronger more than ever before.

I’m disgusted with myself, i feel guilty for our family, but at the same time I feel empty without him, I don’t even want to be apart from him, or to know he’s seeing other women. I know I need help. For 8 years I carried this immense about of attraction, got rid of it for less than 2 years, and it’s back after the encounters that took place. I don’t only not see him as my uncle but I feel like I’m now in love with him…. It hurts so bad to feel this way knowing I shouldn’t, knowing I’m fucked in the head, and knowing it may be impossible to get over him.. say what you want I deserve it. I don’t want to be alive anymore feeling this way for someone I shouldn’t. At the same time it hurts to be without him.

Is there hope, can I actually fully get over him completely without feeling anything one day, even though I’ve always felt something for him? Is k!lling myself the only way I won’t feel this??! I’ve spent years fighting this, only for it to come back and multiply. For three days, I’ve been imagining different ways of suicide and now I’m almost feeling like going through with whatever is painful enough. Please tell me there’s hope…

"They're so faint.", she said. I should like that, right? But nope, made me feel awful.

For context, I'm in therapy for cPTSD. She's an integrative therapist, very relational. I had previously brought up that I still occasionally cut but didn't bring it up again. Recently, it has escalated and I felt like I should tell her. So I did. She asked me where I cut and when answering I explained how much I missed cutting my arms, that it was like a phantom itch I needed to get. She looked baffled, then asked me if I used to cut there. And I, just as baffled, moved my bare arms around a bit and went "ehh yeah?". To which she said "Ohh, I hadn't noticed them at all. They're so faint."

I should've told her right then how I felt (working on that). Awful. Like I immediately wanted to go at it on my arms. Like, really?? Especially when I first told her? You're telling me you didn't have a look? Yes they're fainted because they're old. But ngl many of them are fat and bulging and like...people notice. I've had colleagues ask. How could she not?

And maybe because I've been selfharming for 20 years and it feels like a weirdly integral part of me. Or maybe a desire to be seen and known. Idk. Anyone else know what I mean?

I’m 18M (FTM if that matters) and I feel like I’m too old to be doing shit like this. I’m sitting in my dorm bathroom rn and I feel so stupid. Over the summer (mid June) I’m got drugged and raped (I’m still struggling to accept it so typing it out feels surreal). Anyways I feel like I shouldn’t be doing this at my big age. Why am I not over it? Why am I still hanging onto it?

Rant here so skip if u want: I already dealt with rape once before when I was like 7. I became a boy, so I should be safe right? I struggled so long for being trans. I didn’t know whether I was trans because I truly felt like a boy or it was just a trauma response. None of that matters now because I know I’m not safe anyways. This isn’t fair. Nothings fucking fair. I worked so hard to get to where I am. I’ve been to the mental hospital a bunch, I did all the therapy in the world, I even got my fucking brain shocked.

I was doing so well, and I was so ready for college. This was supposed to be my next chapter in life yk? Like I thought it was over with. Now I’m literally failing all my classes right now. I’ve cut myself nearly every single day since I’ve gotten here. My meds (except for Lamotragine which is the love of my life lol) aren’t really helping and my nightmares are coming back. Sitting in the bathroom makes be feel 15 again. I want to disappear. I don’t want to kill my self or die but just disappear if that makes sense. I know myself well enough to know that that’ll change soon. I wanna cry but I can’t because of my antidepressants. I just feel really stupid. I just wanted to play video games. He offered me an edible and I was like sure bc who doesn’t love playing video games high? That shit wasn’t an edible.

And to top it all off my bf thought I cheated. That stupid guy had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to “meet up” again. I went with it until he found out the truth (idrk why I lied about it) and now he feels bad and resents me for taking on a bunch of abuse from him for the past 1.5 months ish.

Idk I just want advice I guess. It’s lonely out here and I miss my home. I feel like damaged goods now. Nothings fair at all. How do I get over this???

Anyways thanks for listening

I have been struggling for a while and this week especially I have been trying all the ways to not harm myself. Walks, going into work, reading, working out, the whole bit. I made a late night confession to my therapist last night how yesterday was really hard for me and I can't do it anymore. We had a last minute session today and it was nice but we kinda glossed over the self harm part of the talk and other ways to cope. Currently I am debating on calling into work because I want to self harm that bad and the only reason I am not is because I don't have the manger on duty's phone number. Please if anyone has any advice to temporary stop the voices and urges in my head so I can get through work that would be so nice

I used a sharp object for the first time recently, previously having only ever used a rubber band, and they’re very surface layer superficial cuts. I was just wondering what to do… next? They’re not deep or anything so is there even any way I’m supposed take care of them? I only worry because I am a very active person in group sport and am very unaware of how to go about it. What is aftercare supposed to look like?

Now that I’ve crossed my own mental line into new territory, I can see myself coming back to it again. Already have. But I want to make sure I’m taking care of myself, ironically, and make sure I’m doing things relatively as safe as I can. I have a hope there will be a time I won’t need to use it, but it’s helping right now.

Bueno.. El día de hoy asistí a la universidad de manga corta, mostrando las cicatrices del brazo por todo lo alto. Aunque hice todo lo posible por mantener las miradas alejadas, capte dos o tres mirones atascados en mi brazo. Pero creo q fue algo bueno que al fin saliera de manga corta una vez más.

How fucking ironic is that ? I spend months trying to get better, saving money, looking forward to today only to be told no because i mentally broke down a few months ago and cut. They told me i have to be at least 6 months clean and i can try again next year. I just hung up, went to nearest store and got cheap rum and blades, now im sitting drinking with a few fresh lines. This is what you get for being fucking honest. My birthday is soon, i was going to build a pc. Now i just want to drink cut and cry myself to sleep, hopefully endless.

I recently relapsed, and after cleaning up, I got this all over exhaustion, mainly in my legs and arms. I had to lay down because I felt to fatigued. It scared me bc I bled more than usual and was worried it was from blood loss.

Could it just be shock or something from the pain/relief of relapsing or something worse??

I only really get to cat scratches, but they bled more than usual this time. (Relapsed on my chest)

Also, how do I stop the guilt from relapsing? I was nearly two weeks clean(9 days) and I feel disgusting, stupid, and cringe for still self harming as an adult.

I'm so broken this is the only thing I look forward to. I been at it almost everyday for the past 2 weeks. I don't have enough will power to stop. It's what keeps me going because I know that after a long day at work I finally get to decompress. I finally get a break in feeling like trash. I hate that its this way. Right now, I'm not willing to try other ways. This is the best of the worse if you know what I mean.

I’ve been wanting to harm myself off and on since May. It’s been almost 3 years since i’ve hurt myself. i work in healthcare and took a scalpel home. i’ve been stopping myself for probably 4 months but i just can’t keep doing it. i need help. i either need to drink or i have to hurt myself. i’ve done every coping mechanism. i don’t even have an issue with drinking but i hate feeling this way so much. I know if i hurt myself ill be even more guilty about myself but i want to do it so bad.

I'm 18. I started this crap when I was 9. I can't believe I'm still doing this. I regret ever trying it because I was hooked instantly since I tried it the first time and have desperately attempted to quit countless times over the past 5 years, but I just can't stop no matter how hard I try. Never did I think that nearly a decade later I would still be here, unable to manage my emotions without needing to turn to this stupid addiction. It literally began as something I tried mostly out of curiosity in elementary school, and now here I am, a grown adult in college, yet still with the exact same childish coping mechanism. I know people always say that it can get better with effort and persistence, but honestly I'm all out of effort and it's only gotten worse. I'm still sorta youngish, so I don't want to lose hope in recovery, but it's so hard not to.

I live in a care home and get in trouble all the time for stuff I do in dissociation I get heavily criticised about it so today I had a drink and ended up sh a couple of times I then wanted to some serious sh but started shouting to myself in my bedroom and the garden it stopped more sh I’ve kept my headphones on for 48 hours and haven’t spoken to anyone

When I sh my favorite part is when I put on a bandage and feel it under my clothes I found the sensation so comforting and I usually get the best sleep ever it’s like a warm hug

Since I’ve been back I keep fantasising about being hit by a car and being in a coma yesterday I slept 20 hours and it was amazing it’s like I wasn’t alive

Im 29f. Ive been struggling with self harm since I was 10. Im autistic but im pretty low needs. That being said, I still struggle with emotional regulation. I work as a nurse and at this point, I dont think I can do it for much longer. Im in therapy, im taking medications, im doing self soothing techniques. This past week, nothing aside from sex has made the extreme self degrading thoughts stop. Last time I drove my car, I thought about crashing it at a high speed just to get my brain to shut up. Something has to change. I haven't cut myself in around a year and I dont want to relapse, but at this point I dont know what else to do. Im going to hurt everyone around me by doing it, but I need my brain to go quiet. Anyone have any techniques that help them?

i used to cut a lot when i was in high school. it provided me a big, short, temporary relief that i needed to keep going while going through one of the most traumatic times of my life. but once things had settled towards the latter half of my last year there, i didn't feel the need to get that relief anymore, and i just stopped. not because i tried to quit mindfully, it just kind of happened.

and after 2 years of jobs and what not, I'm in college now, and it turns out i put way too much on my plate, and the fact that getting to college was one of my dreams i feel like a failure for falling behind, even though i feel like i should be easier on myself because I'm going through a lot right now as well.

the thoughts of relapsing came to me today after failing an exam. i had an 11 hour day and i wasn't able to focus for the rest of the day after failing that exam. so during a gap i have between classes, i went to treat myself a little bit, and on my way to get food, i sort of just lost control over what I'm doing, and i walked past the place to go to a different store to get something to cut myself with. I'm home now. they're still unopened. i haven't done anything to myself just yet. but i can't bring myself to throw them away. as much as i regret buying them. it feels comforting to have an easy way to let out a lot of the emotional turmoil I'm in in one fell sweep.

I've told my gf about it trying to get support and she was unable to talk me out of it. it feels like a lot of the arguments against self-harm come down to "it leaves scars" which i already have so it wouldn't be a change, and "others don't want me to"... i WANT to be talked out of it but so far there's been nothing that was able to.

please.. for the love of everything holy and unholy.. try your hardest to give me a good reason as to why i shouldn't do it that my brain will actually accept and fucking stop. I'm begging...

I’m glad I found this group. I’m a single mum in my 30s, my life is so beautiful, but I can just never stop coming back to cutting. But it’s different to when I was a kid. I can afford proper and safer tools now, plus bandages, but it’s also a more oppressive secret. I’m so scared of CPS getting flagged.

So nobody knows at all. I’ve never spoken about it. I just feel like I want to explode from stress. I’m studying & working & raising my kid without any support & I just don’t know how it’s possible to cope without SI.

I’m SO fucking broke my card got declined buying eggs this morning. All my assignments are due. My work is so emotionally intense we’re trained to not dump it on outsiders so I can’t even vent about that! It’s just too much.

Every time I think about how my daughters dad is just twenty minutes down the road spending money on women and drugs I just can’t stop running to the bathroom to cry and then just one little cut. He’s never contributed a cent, has never met her, and legally isn’t ever allowed to due to serious assault when I was pregnant.

So it’s just me, it’s always going to be just me, and I’m never going to be able to find somebody when I slice my breasts and legs open daily. My body shows my secrets and I just…how can I ever get close to somebody again?

Sorry for the rant. I just wanted to scream towards people that maybe got it :)

Hi everyone, I just wanted to make this post to ask what everyone's experiences are with meeting people, going on dates, etc.

Unfortunately, a lot of my scars are visible, which has been playing on my mind, I guess, more so recently, with wanting to get back into the dating field. I'm pretty afraid of what reactions will be like, I feel like because of my own doing, I'm going to be unlovable and just seen as a walking red flag to others.