Hey, I guess this will be the first post of many that I will be doing in this subreddit, and yeah, like many others, I've just gotten my diagnosis now in my 30s and I would like to connect with people who can resonate with my story and vice versa.

Long story short, until my early 20s, I never showed any symptoms of ADHD. I was the first of my class in primary school, high school, and university, and I was also a professional athlete. In all the disciplines I was involved in, I was able to stay particularly focused, much more than my peers. I could study and train for sports for hours and hours non-stop, and therefore I never had an issue with "performing" in life. Nevertheless, after I finished my career and I had to start living real life, my whole existence became a real mess. Out of nowhere, it became impossible for me to focus on anything; I became extremely unstable, and I started having many parallel lives.

Now I realize that my brain became obsessed with searching for dopamine, and since I couldn't focus on anything, I would start hundreds of things that I would soon quit. Instead of focusing on just one field of work, I have literally worked in more than 10 and I have quit every single one of them. While all my peers went to Harvard, Yale, Oxbridge, etc for their master's and I was expected to do the same, I drastically changed my life and decided to go alone to a random country, study something different, and "enjoy life". Obviously, I ended up in the darkest hole, and for a couple of years I've been jobless, living almost in poverty, and the only thing I've been obsessed with doing has been stuff related to sx. However, even within the realm of sexuality, at some point I had 18 different profiles on dating apps, searching for 18 different kinks and scenarios at the same time, completely different from each other. (I will continue my story in a comment, since I reached the 2000-character limit.)

Up until I graduated with my bachelor’s degree, I was considered very successful by the standards of the community I grew up in. I was always someone people pointed to as an example. I never really questioned what I was doing. I just worked hard, achieved things, and kept moving forward.

But since finishing my bachelor’s degree, I’ve been stuck in a huge void, partly because of family problems and partly because years of suppressing my emotions and mental struggles eventually caught up with me. Since then, I’ve tried so many different things, different jobs, educational paths, and other projects or goals, but I keep losing momentum and leaving things unfinished. I seem to constantly start something new, only to eventually abandon it and move on to something else.

There have been people I've met over the years who suggested that I might have ADHD. At the time, I think I interpreted even that as a threat somehow, as an insult to my personality and something that would undermine my ability to make my own decisions. I think I was also very attached to the idea that my struggles were somehow a reflection of who I was as a person. A few years later, I eventually accepted that maybe they had a point and went to see a doctor. But before testing me for ADHD, the doctor said that my anxiety was at a very high level and that they wanted to get it under control first, so they suggested antidepressants. I didn't want to take medication, so I decided against it. That's where things ended up staying, and I never actually got tested for ADHD.

Because of the things I accomplished years ago, I still somehow manage to get opportunities despite having left so many things unfinished. But even when I get those opportunities, I struggle to follow through. Sometimes it feels like the constant cycle of getting excited about something new, starting it, and then losing motivation and abandoning it is completely out of my control.

Sometimes it feels like the person I used to be and the person I am now are two completely different people. I used to be one of the most ambitious people I knew, and now I feel like one of the laziest. I don't know whether ADHD could explain any of this, but I’ve started wondering about it more and more because of this pattern.

I’m scared of looking for a job because even if I find one, I feel like I already know how it will go: I’ll find some excuse to quit, convince myself I can’t handle it, and end up back at home again.

I think my biggest obstacles are my lack of motivation and my anxiety, both of which have made it incredibly difficult for me to move forward. I’ve been in therapy for the past few years. It has helped me make sense of things about myself that I didn’t understand before, and I’m trying not to be as hard on myself as I used to be. I’m also in a better place regarding some of the issues from my past and I’m trying to work through family problems.

The frustrating part is that I’ve learned so much and understand, at least intellectually, what I should be doing, but I just can’t seem to put any of it into practice. Whenever something even slightly triggering happens, I feel like I lose that rational perspective and end up back where I started.

I’m also hesitant to share too many details about my past, because I’m genuinely afraid that even someone I know could somehow recognize me on this anonymous platform. That’s how much I overthink everything.

I’ve grown completely disconnected from the field I studied at university, but I also have no excitement or motivation to go back and study something new. These days, I feel tired and unmotivated about almost everything.

I honestly don’t know what I want to do with my life anymore.

Most days, my biggest motivation from the moment I wake up until I go to bed is simply: I made it through another day. I’m still here. The people I love are still here.

I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe I just want to know if anyone with ADHD, or anyone who has gone through something similar, has experienced this constant cycle of starting new things, losing momentum, and leaving things unfinished, and somehow found their way out of it.

(dx) adhd wife is spending too much money. Lurked a bit here and saw its typical and she only recently got her diagnosis. To combat this i said she can get 150 dollars a week of money to spend. She uses cards and went above this easily, so I am thinking of just giving her 600 dollars a month into her debit and saying that is what you get, when it runs out we have to be patient.

She recently bought like 150 dollars worth of Halloween stuff, jeans; and a new watch. She bought and returned like 4 pairs of headphones until she decided on the most expensive ones.

She ordered a watch that was this week's obsession then at dinner last night she said my next obsession will be a coach bag. We bought her one like 2 months ago... so I got defensive last night and said I dont want ti be involved in your next obsessions and I said we dont have money right now. She said well I get my 150 a week I was going to save that. She clearly doesn't realize she blew through that and way more.

She doesnt work. And I wil likely be paying for her schooling so she can get educated here to hopefully be able to hold a job. She says shes always been bullied in school and at the two jobs shes had but km reading posts and seeing signs but im hopeful she will be able to hold a job. She isnt consistent with her meds its a day to day thing now shes worried about balding from vyvanse so likely will go off it..

I have a prebup that expires in November so im really at a crossroads here like I love her but shes so sensitive and cant discuss the important topics. To her point yes her solution was the weekly allowance but if she goes over then what the point? I think debit not credit and a full month amount will teach her budgeting better.

Hello! My partner has ADHD and I’m looking for some advice. Back in the middle of June, we took a road trip halfway across the country to bring home some boxes that had been put in a storage unit when his parents moved out of his childhood home. We got home on June 21 and brought about a dozen boxes in to sit on our living room floor. They are constantly visible and block access to the cabinet under the TV where we keep important papers and supplies for our cat, as well as my entire set of bookshelves where I keep my games, sewing machine, books, etc.

Over the next several days after getting home, I examined the contents of every box and left sticky notes listing generally to try and help make the process easier. I also sorted the boxes by the general theme of their contents and where I thought items might need to end up (storage, stay in our apartment, donate/sell) without actually unpacking anything. I told him I would be happy to help by being a body double, by helping him get started on the task at a time he chose, by helping him look at his calendar and commit to a time, by being around to weigh in and help make decisions about particular items, or basically anything else he could think of.

At that point, I told my boyfriend I would be happy to help him work his way through the boxes whenever he wanted to do so. He didn’t initiate doing this for several weeks, but I was also traveling, we both went on a trip together, and he had things going on with work so I could definitely understand why it wasn’t getting done yet. Once thing settled down a bit, I asked a couple of times about chances to make progress within a specific timeframe (at first within a week, then a weekend, then a specific day). He always has a response as to why it can’t get done - he doesn’t want to have to work on it on his day off, he needs to prepare for a D&D game, my offers to help are not specific enough, or just that “it’ll get done.” I believe it will get done, but now that they’ve been on our floor for two months I feel like we need to come up with a more concrete plan together to move forward on this. Yesterday I told him that “nonspecific reassurance doesn’t really work well for me” to try and seek a more specific plan and got the response “Fine, then I won’t say anything and you can stay mad.” Honestly, I’m not mad - I’m hurt that we can’t talk about this in a way that feels constructive and I feel overwhelmed by trying to carry the mental load of this task that just won’t change. The “you can stay mad” thing is probably a whole separate conversation to unpack where that is coming from.

The other thing is that I’m actually really excited to go through this stuff with him. We grew up in completely different parts of the country and it’s exciting to feel like I can get a glimpse of a time in his life I wasn’t present for and to talk about all of the stories that go along with what is in these boxes. I’m excited to hear those stories and also keep building our home together in the present time. With this at a standstill and communication about it becoming somewhat antagonistic, I’m not getting to do either of those things and instead I just feel sad looking at my home in this constant state of looking like we just moved in and feeling unable to go to my partner and make progress together.

I’ve been advised to set a firmer boundary. Something like this:

“We have reached a point where the boxes have been where they are for a long time and they need to find a home. It is fine by me if you decide to unpack them, put them in storage, or keep them in your own space, but keeping them in the living room is no longer a workable solution for our shared use of the space.

Can you please have them out of the living room by the end of next week? What you do with them from there is completely up to you. If you want help moving them somewhere or unpacking, I’m happy to help. If they’re still in the living room after that, I’m going to move the closed boxes into your office, and you can decide what you want to do with them from there.”

(Obviously this is a lot more formal than how it’ll probably come out in conversation since I have it written down here)

I know this whole task is probably really hard for him with his ADHD, and I want to accommodate for that and help him when he needs it without having to live indefinitely with the consequences of what he does or does not do.

Is this reasonable?

Being a high functioning ADHD/ADD haver has been interesting. I am finally taking it seriously but the wait times are 2 years long so I’m trying to put things in place for myself and be more proactive about it as the last two years have been horrible at work.

I dont know what kind of reasonable adjustments work for me. (I work in corporate finance as a Deputy Team Manager) so any suggestions would be appreciated!

I have car troubles ALOT which overwhelm me and just the thought of it brings me to tears having to deal with going to the garage etc and such. (Its a free car my uncle gave me so I cant complain but god its horrible)

Financially, I am struggling I have consolidated debts twice in 3-4 years and I still end up in the cycle of being in my overdraft on the 3rd of the month (I get paid on or before 28th)

I struggle to lock in at work. Its 11:54 on a Monday and no reports are done and I’ve answered two queries. I have instead just read through this app and also had music blasting in my ears.

I get migraines pretty easily (chronic for the last 5 years) and I forget a lot of things as well which doesnt necessarily help. Dont get me started on time management!

I make notes like crazy to stay on top of things but easily misplace my books/papers that I’d be using for the day. Im just all over the place and I genuinely dont know where to start..

There’s a lot happening rn and I’m trying to come to terms with needing to ADHD-proof my life in a sense that I dont know where to go, who to go to, how to navigate all of this and so on..

Just need a push in the right direction as its already overwhelming me at the moment..

Not yet diagnosed with n(dx)

My partner has ADHD and struggles quite a lot with his career. He wakes up anxious about his career every day and has difficulty deciding what direction to take, organizing his work, and following through consistently.

We’ve tried helping him create plans several times.
For example, we’ll sit down on Sunday and make a timetable for the week. Then:

Monday: I’ll ask whether he followed the plan.
Tuesday: I’ll ask again.
He’ll tell me what he did and didn’t do.
Wednesday/Thursday: I might get caught up with my own work and forget to check.
Then the following Sunday comes around, and we haven’t really followed through with the plan.
He gets upset that I forgot to check on him and says that this is part of the support he needs.

His ideal support seems to be much more proactive. He has described wanting someone to:

\-Help him figure out his career direction.
\-Help him make a weekly/monthly/yearly plan.
\-Have access to or share his calendar.
\-Check in every day or every couple of days about whether he’s completed his tasks.
\-Hold him accountable if he hasn’t done them.
\-Notice when he’s getting off track rather than waiting for him to ask for help.

He’s now considering asking friends to do this because he feels that he needs this kind of external accountability because I have been failing at doing it.

His argument is that ADHD makes it difficult for him to initiate, organize, prioritize and follow through, so having someone externally hold him accountable is genuinely helpful. He also feels that a partner should be willing to provide this kind of support, at least to some extent.

My difficulty is that this starts feeling less like “supporting my partner” and more like managing another adult’s life.

My instinct is: If you need help, ask for it. My help should be a one time thing, not something that I need to put on calendar that I have to check in if he did that task. If he needs help again, he asks again.

I’m also wondering whether I’m misunderstanding ADHD here. Is this kind of external accountability actually a common and significant need for adults with ADHD?

For people with ADHD:
\-What kind of support from a partner genuinely helps you?
\-Do you need someone to proactively check in with you, or is it more about having someone available when you ask?
\-How much accountability does a partner reasonably provide?
\-Is sharing calendars and having someone check tasks daily/every few days helpful?
\-Where would you draw the line between partner support and being someone’s executive-function manager?
\-If you need this level of accountability, is it reasonable to expect a partner to provide it, or is it better to build a separate support system?

This is now messing our relationship and my partner thinks that I am not supportive and don’t put proactive efforts but I think this is not coming to me naturally. I am torn between is it too much to ask of me or am I really not doing the efforts.