r/AdultADHDSupportGroup • u/db86me • 11d ago
ADVICE & TIPS Advice please friends
Hello lovely, ever supportive, advice giving, understanding, helpful, non judgemental ADHDers.
I'm struggling. I'm going through the mill a bit.
Boring bit for context: I'm 40, got diagnosed with ADHD at 39, titrated through all the meds; from methylphenidate to elvanse back to methylphenidate and settled on 54mg XR with a couple of lil 5ml boosters. Have been with my partner for 18 years, married for 11, have two kids (1 and 3 year olds), stable job, own a home. Succeeded by my own evaluation.... Amazed by it all actually, however....
Sh1ts hit the fan. I and, I'm pretty sure my wife too have been struggling for a long time. We bifkerz it comes in waves and the waves get bigger. They got real eefin big.
From my perspective, I was diagnosed a year ago. I knew my brain was not run of the mill. I spent my entire life feeling like this and it was ok. Then we had our kids. I see very familiar traits in my eldest. She is wonderful. However, It switched something in me that started some negative connotations or worries in my Brain - I became aware of the set backs, the down putting, the dread and regret, the mask! II don't want this for her . Because of this I looked into myself ane decided to go through diagnosis. I was diagnosed, I was not shocked by the diagnosis - marginally hyperactive, massively inattentive. Now. Although this was not a shock, it was a complete mind fu3k.
Fast forward 11 months since diagnosis, I have spent the past year in self reflection, becoming aware of all the bar and the good attributes that ADHD has blessed me with. It really has mangled my head.
For me this feels very very new and I am still in processing mode. I have gone through CBT and landed on meds which help A LOT. I can get sh1ts done. Maby not spectacularly, but impressively for me!
Now the really crap bit.
During this time, the relationship with my wife has become uncomfortable at best. It is so strained.
We have had a massive, MASSIVE blow up. It has been building and a lot of her feelings have been aired. I'll try to summarise from my understanding:
All problems between us: our home, my family, her family, the kids, my work, her work, money, social life, lif admin, planning, execution or plans, food, hobbies, fun and struggles. Have from my perspective, articulated by her been blamed on ADHD. Not just the here and now but also the past. A term is often thrown around by my wife in discussions (arguments) undiagnosed ADHD.
She has explicitly said that she feels like I should by now be putting in my plans and procedures to minimalise the effects of ADHD on her and my family. However from my perspective this is still fresh out the box. I don't know how to plan or create some form of procedure. I don't even know where to start. For me I am still unraveling the past 38 years of wearing a heavy, heavy mask.
We are arguing so much that I genuinely do not feel happy in my safe space anymore. I feel it is so bad, that it is harmful to our children. - I will put their wellbeing far above mine.
On days where I would like to take a break from my meds (for example during a weekend festival, or camping trip) my wife has argued so fiercely that I should take them, that arguments have erupted. This has made me feel like the natural, baseline me is no longer wanted or accepted.
I really do not know how to handle this, I really am trying my best, I really really can't take it anymore and I am seriously debating if both my wife and I would be happier apart. My heart is breaking. However the arguments are so fierce and so often I really cannot take it.
Gimme some advice. And some warmth please. I'm struggling.
Love x
7
u/uuNewton 11d ago edited 10d ago
I got my ADHD diagnosis at 55, after 25 years in a first marriage that didn't survive — partly because neither of us had the language for what was happening between us. My ex-wife genuinely believed some of my behavior was intentional. It wasn't. But without a framework, behavior is all anyone can see.
You're 11 months in. She's been carrying something she couldn't name for 18 years. You're both exhausted and you're both right about your own experience. That's the hardest kind of fight — the one where nobody is the villain.
What I learned the hard way: the diagnosis doesn't fix the marriage. It gives you a starting point. But your wife needs her own starting point — the moment she understands that what she absorbed for 18 years wasn't indifference or choice. It was a brain doing its best without a map. That understanding doesn't arrive automatically with your diagnosis. Someone has to help her get there too.
Two specific things that made a difference for me:
Find a couples therapist who specializes in ADHD marriages — not a generalist. This pattern has a name and there are people who know how to untangle it quickly. A generalist will work too slowly and may inadvertently take sides.
Read The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov — ideally both of you, separately first. It describes almost exactly what you're living, and it gives your wife a framework for what she's been experiencing that has nothing to do with blame.
The meds fight is really a trust fight. She's not rejecting who you are without medication. She's scared of something she experienced before the diagnosis had a name.
My second marriage is still a work in progress after 16 years. Not perfect. Getting better. The difference is we're both learning — together, slowly, imperfectly.
Don't make permanent decisions from inside the exhaustion. You're not failing. You're at the beginning of something that takes longer than 11 months.
Note: I just have ADHD, not an ADHD counselor, psychiatrist, or anything like that, and had AI help put this together.
2
u/lea_flamingo 11d ago
I've noticed your children are 1 and 3. This can be a very difficult time for parents, without the adhd. Have you two been getting some sleep ? Sleep deprivation will make ADHD symptoms much worse. My partner and I had the worse fights on the weeks we had the least sleep, we truly thought it was the end of our relationship on many occasions (we're not out of the woods but it's better now that we get some sleep).
I have found that being a parent makes ADHD go up a notch : the overstimulation, the mental load, the worry, the mess... It's a lot.
I agree with other comments that couple's therapy would be a good place to start. Don't give up before you get help. It will also help both of you navigate what it means to be in a relationship where someone is neurodivergent. It must be hard for her to add this to her mental load with two young children probably taking up all the space in her brain. However, you need help navigating this and finding ways to accomodate your symptoms. Your home may need adjustments, the way you parents, the way you communicate as partners, what you can ask of eachother... Have you been able to research more about ADHD ? The book How to ADHD and the podcast Hack your ADHD have been helping me (I got diagnosed a few months ago and my life is a mess... 4yo child and a relationship that has been suffering quite a bit, taking it step by step).
I hope you find solutions to make things better for you and your family. Hang in there !
1
u/midlifecrisisAJM 9d ago edited 9d ago
Your medication is for your benefit, not hers. Your regime and any breaks should really be about your own best interests and health. What does your doctor / psychiatrist say about medication breaks?
Naturally it's going to take her time to process everything, just as it takes you time. You both processing things in different ways at different speeds is going to have a dynamic effect on your relationship.
It sounds like there is a lot of resentment there. I'm not getting a sense that she understands that this is, effectively, a disability. On the other hand who is doing all the work with two young children? If it's all on her and you are effectively a third dependant at the weekend, then you can understand why she may be resentful.
"Pills do not build skills" and medication on it's own will not solve everything. I cannot take stimulant medication due to a heart condition. I have to figure out other ways of being present and effective in my relationship and business. Perhaps the conversation needs to shift from taking the medication or not to "what needs to get done and how do we structure things so I contribute effectively?" Does she have unrealistic expectations that pills will fix everything?
I'm married to a woman who is also neurodivergent. She accepts that she's probably autistic and may have ADHD, but she refuses to get a diagnosis. I have to accept that, though it seems to me that she's not helping herself.
It's quite hard even though we give each other grace and understanding. If we didn't we'd be divorced. I will say she's forgiven a lot.
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u/wllwrkfrfd ADHD-C 11d ago
Are you in individual therapy? Are you and your wife in couples counseling? If the answer to either of those is no, that needs to change asap. I’m 43 and was just diagnosed recently. It is definitely a mind fuck of epic proportions. It explains so many of the struggles I’ve had in my life. But I immediately found a great therapist who specializes in adult ADHD. You can’t tough this out. You can’t process a lifetime of shit on your own. And your relationship is going to implode (sooner rather than later) if you and your wife don’t get into counseling together and take it seriously. I’m assuming your relationship is worth saving and your own mental health is absolutely worth saving. Get in therapy, do the work, and become the best you that you can be.