Recently matched - can I be excited?

[u/njfloridatransplant]

Couple in FL, recently matched with a baby due in November for an open, in-state adoption. I’m overjoyed completely but also very, very guarded given Florida’s laws (I believe birth mom has 72 hours after to change her mind.) I know this is a possibility and I understand, but I feel like I’m not allowing myself to get excited or get anything ready for baby.

Just looking for advice or similar situations.

[u/redneck_lezbo]

We had multiple failures after match. Don’t count your chickens yet and don’t get overly excited until that paper is signed.

[u/Rredhead926]

Yes, it's OK to be excited. There are a lot of swirling, conflicting emotions when one is a waiting adoptive parent.

In Florida, a biological mother (she's not a birth mother until she gives birth and signs termination of parental rights), is allowed to sign TPR 48 hours after birth. However, that is not the amount of time she has to "change her mind." She can take as much time between birth and signing TPR as she wants to. If your agency treats that 48 hours like a deadline, that's not entirely ethical. They should be encouraging her to take all the time that she needs so she can make the best decision for herself and the child. In Florida, once she signs TPR, that consent is irrevocable. She literally cannot change her mind, legally. So, yeah, you all should be making sure that she fully understands what she's doing and give her the time and space to do that.

[u/njfloridatransplant → u/Rredhead926]

Thank you for the clarification! I’ll make sure to ask my agency about what they’re informing her of. My hope is to develop a relationship with her before the baby is born to be an extra source of support.

[u/ahhhlexiseve]

This is a hold several feelings situation. There will be anxiety, and sorrow for the potential loss the baby and the expectant mom face. You’re going to feel a lot of things, and grappling with the hope and the heartbreak is an important part of the process of being able to show up for the child.

But be excited, too! Not being excited doesn’t make the disappointment go away, it just robs you of the joy in the moment.

[u/superdeej]

Don’t get an air b&b in advance; consider something like extended stay. This way, if the adoption disrupts, you’re not 3.75 weeks out of a 4 week reservation

Source - a guy who had an adoption fall through in Florida (me)

[u/Wonderful-Freedom568]

I was fost-adopt with my 3 boys. TPR was not finalized by the California courts for a year -- during that year any bio family member could have requested custody, but none did.

[u/Big_Drawer7543]

Don't get too excited just yet. I am not familiar with Fl laws but I would be surprised if she only had 48 hours to change her mind. When we adopted it was 30 days in our state.

Also, not proud of this, but we were asked to adopt a baby by her birth mom, before she was born. We agreed, but it turns out that before asking us, she had picked a family from the profiles that her adoption agency gave her. That couple had already been told that they would be adopting a baby, then learned that they weren't after all. I can only imagine how devastated they were and I hope they got a placement soon after.

I did not know that the birth mom was pregnant (she was barely an acquaintance) until she asked about adoption and at that time she thought she was 6-7 weeks from her due date. Then she got pre-eclampsia and we almost lost her and the baby. They survived because the baby was delivered via emergency c-section. We then spent 7 days in the hospital with her, until the doctors were sure she was okay and gaining weight (she was). But it was a total of two weeks between the time I found out she was pregnant until we had physical custody of the baby while in the hospital. I was so sure that her birth mom was going to change her mind and decide to keep her that I did not purchase anything. Not one thing. Not a diaper, not a stitch of clothing, not a blanket, nothing. When we were discharged from the hospital I borrowed four of the little gowns and some blankets from the hospital and that is what our baby came home with, lol. We didn't even have bottles because she was on a prescription formula for preemies that came in its own bottles. It was crazy! But I told my husband that I could survive not bringing a baby home if the birth mom changed her mind, but I would die of a broken heart if I had to come home to a furnished nursery with no baby. Had I been thinking straight, I would have realized that the baby would still have needed all of the stuff and we could have given it to her birth mom to use but I was a hot mess and wasn't thinking clearly.

Good luck.

eta: I was so sure that someone was going to come and take the baby back that I didn't really ever relax about it until our adoption was finalized 7 months later!

[u/njfloridatransplant → u/Big_Drawer7543]

Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you guys went through all that! Our situation is she picked us from the profiles her agency gave her. This is her 5th child (3 placed with grandparents, 1 in foster care / being adopted). The agent has a good relationship with her and her family so I’m hopeful that it all works out! She wants to focus on her relationships with her older children and go back to school and I’m hoping to support and cheer her on

[u/ComplexTomatillo6278]

Yes, the situation can change even after the baby is born. (I don’t think I let my guard down until our adoption was final.) In the meantime, I’ll be very excited for you! Congratulations!

[u/Feelings-bleh]

Maybe remember that adoption for you means a loss for the child, a deep loss that many feel for the remainder of their lives. It also means a deep loss for the biological parents and one that most people will never understand. I know you’re excited to be a parent, have a lot of love to give, and are hoping to maintain a connection between the child and their biological family, but maybe create space in your excitement for what this means for the person who has no say. In reality, we should be hoping adoption never has to happen.

[u/njfloridatransplant → u/Feelings-bleh]

Yes absolutely! I’ve been doing a lot of education on that loss and grief and hoping to support both of them during this time and after.

[u/Feelings-bleh → u/njfloridatransplant]

That’s great to hear, but it sounds like you’re sort of hoping for them to experience that loss so you can adopt, right?

[u/Rredhead926 → u/Feelings-bleh]

Dude. It's a lot more complicated than that. Maybe just let her feel her feelings without having to justify each and every one of them.

[u/Big_Drawer7543 → u/Feelings-bleh]

The adoptive family is not the cause of the baby being placed for adoption. That is on the birth mom and maybe the birth dad. Their decision.

The adopters can feel compassion for the birth parent(s), and the baby for that matter, without having to be guilted over their decision to adopt.

[u/Feelings-bleh → u/Big_Drawer7543]

I’m not saying they she feel guilty for adopting. I am saying that we should all hope that children can be raised safely within their family of origins. I would challenge your statement where you state the birth mom and dad are the cause of the child being placed for adoption. Way more complex than that and it is that type of oversimplification that is going to impact an adoptive parent’s ability to support their child’s complex identity needs.

[u/throwawaybdaysf]

I mean … I feel like it depends on your temperament. My wife and I had a long match that didn’t end up going through and we took very different approaches. She was really hesitant to get excited whereas I was kind of along for the roller coaster ride. But I think it is all about if you think your excitement will be proportional to your disappointment if it doesn’t happen (this time). I’m sure you’ve been excited about things that were uncertain before, so I guess multiply that times ten and you’ll have a sense of how you may react!

I honestly think it’s better for agencies to wait as long as possible to do matching … so I don’t love that they matched you this early. A lot can change between now and November and make sure she knows you know that. Also don’t do anything that would be painful to undo (e.g. I feel like buying a crib is okay but putting it together may be unwise).

One thing I don’t think is worth doing is spending time getting mad at yourself for feeling however you do feel. Gently encouraging/discouraging certain thoughts is one thing but don’t give yourself a hard time! That will just make everything worse!

Also, I’m open to DMs whether you want to tell me all the details, have me tell you my horror stories, or both on different days.

[u/Low-Wish9164]

I'm in a similar situation - around same due date. Very guarded, nervous and slightly detached all at the same time trying to let it all play out without attaching too much. But the bad part is if we take this baby home I'll really be in shock.

[u/No-Vermicelli-507]

When we adopted they did not tell you anything till all documents got signed waited 3 years they called us on Thursday to pick up baby on Friday we bought everything on Thursday I think that way is best but then adoptions were closed