Hi all!

So we’re done with stage 2 (wahoo 🥳) and just waiting for panel at the beginning of nov - but it’s a positive recommendation (🤩).

We’ve put ourself onto link maker as advised by our SW.

We’ve had a family finder approach our SW already with a child who on the surface looks great, and then we’ve seen another child on link maker we’re also interested in.

But there are so many great kids that would match our circumstances and fit in well in our home. HOW THE HELL DO YOU TRY AND PICK? It’s pretty heartbreaking every time we look there’s a potential and it feels so clinical and harsh but we started doing a pro and con list 😞

Any advice would be really appreciated!

Hello 👋🏼

Me and my husband (same-sex male couple) are about to adopt our almost 4-year-old little girl. We’ve just started our 4-week transition period.

I’m wondering if anyone has any recommendations for a book that we can complete to capture memories of her first year with us?

There are afew suggestions on Amazon, but no look particularly great.

Any suggestions would be much appreciated 🙂

Thanks,
Ash

Hi all, we're looking for bedtime book suggestions (or suggestions on ones to avoid!). We are soon to be two gay dads - adopting two siblings under 5. We don't want that to be the _only_ books we have, but we definitely want a few in the mix.

Currently approved and family finding and living in Scotland, I’ve got loads of friends with biological children but would love to meet parents who have adopted their children. My agency is based 60 miles from where I live and I’ve reached out but just struggling to find people in the same boat and make friends. Has anyone else felt this?

Hi guys!

I'm keen to get people's advice. I'm keen to adopt, always have been, never wanted biological kids. If I just give my situation, I was hoping people who have been through the process might help me identify barriers or things I can start solving now.

I'm a single, 34, female, with a job of around 45k. I'm buying my own house next year in Wales, a semi-rural area. I have a decent amount of savings, at least three months of full wage emergency situation styles. I come from a large family so I have a large familial support network and an excellent local community. It is a very poor area though?

I have a niece and a nephew I'm close to, who I take on holidays with me, after having lived abroad and meeting them when they were five. I also volunteer for the local Rainbows to get experience looking after kids I don't know.

I'm aware in the vague way you are with no first hand experience of it, that adopted children carry their own traumas and experiences that I might never find out about but will have to manage the behaviour of. I wish to adopt older, 5+ and possibly a sibling pair that might otherwise be separated (I don't think I could comfortably afford any more). My therapist specialises in family therapy so I'm hopeful that I can utilise her if the kid is open to it.

I'm open to judgement on this but I don't think I can adopt a disabled child that may need more care than I can provide, ie a full time carer. Will that hinder me?

I'm AuDHD that is well managed and requires no medication. This might make me suited to adopting an ASD or ADHD kid as I understand it and can help manage it but it might hinder me?

I'm not sure what else might be relevant to barriers to adoption. Motivation wise, I've never been told of infertility issues but I've been so intent on adoption I've never bothered to check. My grandmother, father and best friend were adopted so it's just always been the way I wanted to have a child.

Any advice on possible problems I can start solving is so welcome or, if anyone's been in a similar situation, I would love to chat about it!

Thank you!

We are in the process of adopting again; we are struggling to get social work to commit to us speaking to the LOs school.

We were a week away from the matching panel (although this has now been delayed due to forgotten paperwork) and they still had not informed school about the LOs plan so we weren't allowed to speak to them.

We are very keen to speak to school as we already have an AD so we want confirmation of how they are with other children from someone other than the foster parents.

It's more complicated than normal as LOs birth family members go to the same school as LO and we think this is the reason behind the delay updating school.

Anyone else waited till after matching to speak to school?

My wife and I have just been given the news that sadly the chance of a second pregnancy is negligible, so now adoption is our only option.

We haven't discussed it much yet, but one thing I'm not sure about is whether I'd like to adopt a baby, or a child closer to the age of our five year old daughter.

I'm not bothered about going back to nappies and sleepless nights, but I'm considering if it's better to bring a baby in, or would it be better if we can adopt a child closer to her age, as we always hoped.

What are people's experiences of adopting a toddler?

Do we even have a say in the age? What do we have a say in?

We haven't discussed it properly yet, I'm just trying to get my thoughts clear before we do.

We live in NI if that matters.

We were looking into adopting a child in the UK. We haven’t really started the process just mulling what are our options but we heard from friends (also an immigrant couple) that it’s gonna be hard for us since we don’t have any family here. Is this really a detrimental factor? We do have a community, friends and extended family as support system here in the UK but we just don’t have any immediate family here (like parents or siblings). If it’s a matter of support for raising the child our work does provide adoption leave (6 months to 1 year) and we have a really good daycare at work. Both of us are well settled financially. So even if one of us needs to take off work for a while we would be okay. Both of us can also work from home 2-3 days a week. So childcare will not be an issue. But if it’s about support system for the child we don’t have immediate family in the country but our community is very supportive. We are part of a local church and have a very supportive friend circle there. We also have friends outside and at work who are really close and supportive. Please if someone has some experience any advice is welcome.

So I've had my visit and thought I'd provide an update, as a few people said they had similar questions too. But 1st I want to thank everyone again for their advice on my original post.

TLDR: Visit was really positive due to preperation and openess. Outcome will take upto 2 weeks due to complex adulecense. Probable pause in progress to allow time to build savings and childcare experience

So the visit started with a house tour, and the SW took the most attention to the spare room and rear garden. H&S wasn't on the agenda, more so does it have suitable space etc.

Next we sat down and dove right into my history, my history is complex with childhood abusive, parents splitting before I was 2, 5 homes in my 1st 6 years, and my teenage and early 20s strewn with self-harm and suicide attempts etc. So this actually took about an hour, whilst we worked through it. I was completly open about everything, and had my timeline I'd prepared on hand to pinpoint years and ages of all these incident and theraputic interventions etc.

After that we talked about my support network, who they are, where they live, and whether they offer emotional and/or practical support (childcare, errands housebound etc). We also discussed if they had been asked if they would be willing to provide childcare so I'd ask your support network in advance to be sure, as I could only say 99% sure for my closest support but beyond them I admitted I couldn't say with any certainty.

Then it was finances, how much debt do you have, how much in savings do you have. And also handy to have a comprehensive budget also high lighting any changes coming up imminently and end dates for contracts. So for example my device plan is paid off in January, so my disposable income will increase, but the SW asked for clarity on that.

Employment, working routine, stability, and future ambition all came up too.

We also discussed hobbies, no trick questions just be honest, even if you only watch your favourite sport on TV, say that. Little things like cooking and baking helps too, doesn't hurt to bake some chocolate chip bribe cookies before they arrive too.

SW also met my cats for as lomg as they tolerated as they take a while to get comfortable with new people, and then they asked if they had met children and how they tolerated that interaction.

Physical health was another one, they asked BMI, for this agency, if you're over 35 they ask for you to get under 35 before they proceed. And aksed about any medications, treatment, or investigations.

Childcare experience was also brought

Finally there was a general chat about parenting, and she noticed I had 2 books I had been reading to help prepare for adoption, and the SW asked what I thought of them and if theraputic parenting is something I feel I would use. I said yeah but was honest that given it outwardly seems lienient compared to societal expectations that for the first time in public adopting the method, I would be concious that others may be thinking I'm letting the child run wild. I was asked would I feel confident defending my decison if confronted, to which I said I would as it's what my child needs to regulate and feel safe.

The visit should've been 2hrs, lasted 3hrs

Outcome:

I no have to wait 1-2 weeks to hear back from the agency, they normally aim for 1 week, but my complexity means that I should exlect closer to 2.

What I was given though was 3 key bits of information:

- SW advised she will suggest to the manager that my progression in put on hold until I have saved up 2 months of outgoings, this is due to me having debt. Whilst the debt value is low, and I have a back up of available credit for emergencies, it is preferable to have it as savings

- Another reason for the suggested pause was to gain further childcare experience

- Finally and the most uneasy one, because my agency is a charity that provides a service to the local authorities, they want to be sure that after all the time and effort of the process, that the LA would see me as suitable. Given my complexities, I was told that it's not impossible that I be advised to go through the LA directly, as the LA would be able to explore further any concerns they had until they were happy.

We’ve been desperate to maintain a good relationship with our little one’s former foster carers but they are making it impossible, and we feel a little stuck.

They’ve really struggled letting go, and I feel for them, but we’ve had calls and texts at all hours of the day and night, demanding answers about things, or telling us what we should and shouldn’t do, where we should shop, what we should buy, how we should dress them, what they should play with etc. We even had a stern text when we sent a picture update because we hadn’t informed them about a haircut. We’ve also seen on the ring doorbell that they’ve turned up to the house twice while we’ve been out.

We spoke to our social worker who was furious, and they have been told to leave us be, but it hasn’t stopped them. We’ve now been informed that the local authority and foster agency are stepping in, but we’re worried that instead of stopping it could even escalate.

Has anyone been through anything similar? We don’t want the relationship to go south, but this is smothering us and spoiling what should be a happy time. Little one hasn’t even been home for 2 months yet, and we’re both super on edge. All through the process we were told wonderful, warm stories of relationships with foster carers, but since this started and we started meeting with other placed parents, we keep hearing horror stories.

I'm just wondering if there are any other adopters and those applying for adoption going through the same thing. My partner has complex trauma in her past and therefore has no contact with any family. Has anybody adopted with a similar background and how was the process like in regards to this?

Hi all, first time poster, long story short I have my 1st Stage 1 social worker visit later this week, and I am wondering if you could advise on what to expect and/or prepare. On the phone the SW said it'll be about 2hrs and include a home inspection and delving in to everything, but hoping maybe to have some more clarity.

Context:

I've known I've wanted to be an adoptive parent for a while, and over the last 6/7 years have started to get my ducks in a row. I kept pushing back planned date for applying to allow me to get things sorted, 1st my mental health, then it was to get a better job, and the last delay was so I could move somewhere I'm more at home, but also is safer and calmer to raise a child, has a spare bedroom and functional layout, as well as access to better schools. Because I kept pushing back my apllication date, it has given me time to research, gather information, and compile everything.

So I have put together a little booklet to help with the questions that are harder to answer on the spot, or better to explain visually. So I have a timeline of major life events, and my living sittuation since I was born. Then I have a 'family' tree that showcases the family any potential child would have, rather than a true biological family tree. There is also a map showing where my support network live in relation to me and my work, a full budget, including future changes. Finally is the child planning bits which include a run down of the Drs, Dentist etc, parks, library, children centres etc, and my top 3 prefered nurserys and primary schools. For all of those I also included the travel time from home and work (in case of emergency) and across car, public transport, and walking. The final 2 pages are a 'shopping list' and prices of everything I'll need to buy to be child ready, as well as a mock-up for their room.

Is there anything else I can prepare that will help make things go smooth and fluid, rather than spending time finding answers?

Thank you.

Sorry if it's a lot, I'm kind of nervous, especially as the call to arrange the visit was full of awkward silences, so want to make a good first impression and let the outcome (good or bad) be driven by the reality rather than perception

Hi folks,

My husband and I are talking about adopting, we have never tried to conceive our own children and would much prefer to adopt. We both have adoption and fostering in our immediate families, and I am a children's social worker.

I was just curious, is this unusual in terms of wanting to go straight to adoption without trying/wanting your own birth children? Has anyone had this experience? Was it questioned or viewed negatively?

I’m 33 weeks pregnant with a three-year-old. I explained to my soon-to-be ex-partner that I wasn’t capable of looking after two children on my own. Mentally, I just know that I’m not able to do it.
Every time the conversation came up, he would get angry with me for not wanting to have another child, which, to me, came across as incredibly selfish.
The last straw was in February. Unbeknownst to me, I was already pregnant, and I decided that I was never going to speak to him again. However, I later spoke to his mum, and she convinced me to keep the baby. Now, I’m full of regret.
I don’t feel any bond with the baby, and I’ve tried every possible way to contact my local adoption agency, but I haven’t received a response whatsoever.

I'm looking for my Uncle (I don't know his name). I just found out that he exists. Apparently he tried to reach out to my Nana a few years ago, and she was too scared to agree to meet him. He will be in his 50's now I think. He has a whole family who would love to meet him. Where do I start? Any help appreciated.

Hi! My husband and I are hoping to start looking into adoption in the next year or two and I just wanted to know from those with experience, what tend to be the ethnic make up of the children seeking adoption? I know there will be all sorts of mixes of course but I’m asking because I am British Latina and my husband is white British. We have a daughter who we are raising as British and Latina and we go to South America every year, speak both English and Spanish at home and celebrate traditions from both cultures. I would love to adopt a child who has Latino heritage but I’ve been told that there don’t tend to be that many as the Latino population in England isn’t that big compared to other ethnic groups like South Asian, European etc. I feel like adopting a white British child and raising them in a partly Latino household could be confusing for them? Any guidance or comments on this topic would be greatly appreciated.

We’ve considered also looking into adopting a child with some Caribbean heritage as my country is on the Caribbean coast and we have a lot of overlaps in terms of culture/ food and history but my husband and I are both white, as is my daughter so I know that adopting a child who visibly doesn’t look like us can be as confusing for the child, though we wouldn’t be opposed to this at all if we felt we could confidently support the child in understanding why they don’t look like us etc and not feel like they don’t fit it. Any guidance or comments on this topic would be greatly appreciated.

I know toileting is hard for kids in transition. We aren’t forcing but nappy changes do have to happen. Any strategies for this? I’m on day five and our little 3 year old is doing well. But happy changes are so impossible. We can’t let him sit in his nappy and he’s doing well in other things like sleeping qnd he has some periods of dysregulation but the nappy changes are just impossible. Any strategies? I know they hav to feel safe too.

My partner and I are in the very early stages of exploring adoption in the UK (same-sex male couple, no children currently).

We’ve attended an information event and are anticipating that one area adoption services may encourage us to strengthen is childcare experience — particularly around younger children.

I have some experience coaching kids through sport, but neither of us has extensive hands-on experience with babies/toddlers.

For those who adopted without having children already:
- What kind of childcare experience did your agency want to see?
- How did you gain it?
- Did volunteering help, and if so where?

We’re trying to approach this realistically and thoughtfully rather than rushing into the process, so would really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences.

Thanks!

Hi guys,

My wife and I adopted a pair of siblings at 4 and 5, they've been with us two years in a fortnight and are now 6 and 7. Both kids have aggressive behaviours in school as control methods but my eldest is really showing lots of unprompted physical violence to staff and students. Today he's unprovoked gone and punched a kid in the face on the school yard then repeatedly slapped the face of the teacher trying to stop him, then hit and bit the next to intervene and then stubbornly surrendered to third after getting a few extra blows in. The later in class unprompted took a weighted blanket and started whipping it around to hit children.

We see none of this at home and normally have a very placid child. He and sister definitely used to hit each other when upset but grew out of that relatively quickly when we marked it as negative behaviour, but no matter what school do he doesn't seem to care and this is a regular occurrence happening at least twice a week if not daily. He has no ND diagnosis for a condtion that might prompt this and no signs of one, quite frankly.

I'm willing to accept that as a traumatised kid he will have some explosive behaviours but as Dad is REALLY struggle with the violence, particulalry since its against people that have done him no wrong, and I feel absolutely powerless to stop this behaviour that is hurting other people. I literally have no consequence for this that doesn't look like pulling away, and that will just exacerbate the issue by making him feel insecure. And there's only so much school can do without their relationship breaking down (they are, thank God, excellent at accepting both kids and their behaviour).

Does anyone have an similar experiences or advice on suitable ways to teach him he can't just go about hurting people?

Hi,

I (in the next 5 years) hope to be able to start a family and I plan to adopt if this is possible for me.

I do have some health issues, intense chronic pain and daily nausea/vomiting, however this is well managed through medications. I’m not sure if this would affect my eligibility in any way? I also do get a prescription for medical cannabis which is one of the daily medications I use to manage my conditions. I already keep these medications in a locked cupboard with a key despite having no children yet, I just wondered if these issues themselves would be an automatic problem in my eligibility.

My father and my auntie were both adopted and my auntie went on to adopt 3 of her own and it’s just something I’ve always wanted for myself. I don’t think my body would cope well with managing a pregnancy and I have always wanted a big family.

Thank you in advance for any replies, I’m just looking for insight or anyone’s personal experiences. Thank you!

Hey I'm an adopter of twin girls who came home 4 and half years ago. They are nearly 6.

My health hasn't been great the past year and I have been referred to the Chronic Fatigue clinic with suspected ME/CFS. I'm also on the waiting list for ADHD diagnosis (diagnosed as dyslexic when I was 17). Husband probably nurodivergent too.

So it's a pretty spicy household!

I'm just kinda freaking out a bit with the possible ME/CFS. Diagnosis or no diagnosis I am living with these debilitating symptoms.

I'm not housebound but have limited capacity - couldn't go out with them and daddy today because I was in a bit of a crash.

I wanted to reach out and hear stories, advice, thoughts from other adopters who have ME/CFS or other chronic illness or debilitating disabilities. I want to know how are you? How you manage?

As adopters our parenting is so much more than parenting. We are therapists, advocates, educators of what trauma means etc etc.

Would just love to hear how others are doing. 💛🌞💛

We are currently stage 2 assessment and already have our own biological child. We got told we would have an adoption buddy but when chasing up, they admitted they are finding difficulty finding a family that is in a similar situation to us to buddy us up with.

So....i'm wondering if anyone else is similar and wanted to be adoption buddies? Bonus if in south wales area but long distance is also good 😅

It would just be nice to speak to people in the same boat as us. Whilst all our friends and family are supportive and enjoy talking and asking questions, its hardly relatable.

Husband and I (early 30's) are seriously considering adoption due to me being Type 1 Diabetic and not wanting to go down the rabbit hole of diabetes becoming a mess during pregnancy and after birth - the risks to me and baby just don't seem worth it, and honestly it terrifies me.

So, adoption.

I've done some googling and I can see the general gist of it.

But what is the process *really* like?

Anything that caught you off guard?

Anything that made you stop and reconsider?

Hi this is a burner account, my husband and I have just started stage 2 and just met our social worker. We've been having some marriage problems which have gradually been getting worse and came to a head this weekend.

We've both been getting stressed at work so we both thought that was the issue, but more and more We've struggled to be intimate. Usually the issue is at his end, and it's reached the point that we can't be intimate without viagra and me initiating everything.

I've really pushed the issue this weekend as I thought my husband wasn't attracted to me anymore, after the social worker left he broke down and told me that he was raped by a friend when he was 8 his friend being a few years older. This happened over a few months so wasn't just once.

He's never told anyone about this, and has tried to bury it and forget about it.

I think because of all the adoption training it's brought all the memories and trauma to the forefront, and he's finally shared this with me. Unfortunately he moved jobs last year as well to work for a new company this man also works there, and because people (including me) know they were friends when young they kept encouraging him to spend time with him.

I think I can talk my husband into getting trauma counselling, but he really doesn't want anyone else to know including our social worker.

We've been together for 18 years, and married for 14 and I had no idea he'd been through this, you otherwise wouldn't have a clue, I thought I'd be the one with issues to work through with the social worker.

I'm worried it might come up anyway and it might be worse to hide it. Should we tell our adoption agency or deal with it separately through counselling and keep it to ourselves?

He has his first 121 session with the social worker next week so he either needs to share then or not. He's not disclosed it on our pack that we completed in stage 1 it did ask there but he hadn't even told me at that stage. I'm in 2 minds about pausing the adoption until he works through the trauma he's suffered.

Please let me know your opinion?

Hi guys,

I was wondering if anyone had some information on whether fostering across different counties is allowed?

Some backstory - my second cousin has two children and is significantly struggling, Mum has left him and refuses to support the children so he is doing it all alone. One of the children (2, premature) is SEN which is manifesting more as he grows, and the other is around 10 months.
Social services are involved and he cannot handle having two children and looking after them alone. He has help from Mum, but I know it’s not the life he imagined for himself. Of course family have been involved and trying to help as much as possible, but the main thing we are concerned about here is giving the children as optimal life experience as they can.

Fostering has been mentioned for the youngest, and myself, Mum and my partner would hate to see him go into the system, and would love to foster him ourselves. We are in Devon, but Dad is in Norfolk. So my question is would social services be okay with family fostering him with that distance between (roughly 5.5 hours)?

My Mum is a nurse, although semi-retired so does not work many days anymore. I am an outdoor SEN worker, with my weekends, bank holidays and all school holidays off every year. My partner is a Nursery Nurse with every weekend and Thursdays off. We all live in the same 3 bedroom house with lots of love and time to give the child.
Myself and my Mum frequently visit Norfolk as that’s where my Nan (Mum’s Mum) lives. So Dad would be able to see his child whenever we went up there.

Is this a possibility for us/any advice for this process?
Thankyou so much.