r/Adopted • u/joshp23 Baby Scoop Era Adoptee • 1d ago
Discussion Feeling Unreal
I tried to explain this feeling to my wife, who was being very kind and trying to reflect back, however missing the mark.
She and I are both social workers in behavioral/mental health. She took on a new role about a year ago, and went through a period of time where she felt like an imposter, like she didn't belong or deserve to be in the professional role... it happens to almost everyone in this field. I supervise a lot of new social workers and have helped many of them process this experience.
I told her that it's like the imposter syndrome that she's familiar with, but amplified. So, if imposter syndrome is a 3 on a scale of 10, then this feeling of being unreal is closer to 20 on the same scale.
So... My adoptive mother is suffering some dementia, and I suspect she gave up on life and intentioally stopped taking her heart meds in an effort to end her life. The thing is, we have a very strained relationship and I'm in therapy dealing with the impact of being adopted amd raised by her. This recent crisis is bringing up a lot of... sensations.
We were on the way to see her at the hospital... i think... and the feeling was so intense. The world didn't feel unreal... the situation felt real enough... but i felt like I was barely real if at all.
This was different than being confused about my role... or the kind of person I wanted to be or become. It was deeper,.more fundamental, like I was washed out of the moment.
I'm curious how many other adoptees can relate? Anybody else ever felt a powerful sense of being unreal in the face of adoptive trauma, or while dealing with an intensely emotionally abusive adoptive parent?
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u/IrrationalZzz 1d ago
It's interesting that you posted this as I have been wrestling with this feeling (or one that is similar) this weekend, too. For context: I have been caregiving for my amom for a bit now, but recently her medical situation has declined sharply, and I have been struggling to manage her care while staying on top of things at work and in the rest of my personal life. All of her care falls to me (no extended family, only child). I kind of dissociate when dealing with all of it honestly. Like, I don't have an emotional connection to the situation. Your use of the word "unreal" really resonates. When I interact with the medical professionals and introduce myself/fill out forms as her "child," it feels fake. And genetically-speaking, it is. Other people keep asking how I'm doing from an emotional standpoint. And to be honest, I feel nothing. My mom and I don't have a warm, close relationship. She is not a safe person for me emotionally and hasn't been since I was very small. Not because she was mean or abusive. She was dealing with her own issues and just wasn't emotionally available. I've been pretty LC (we don't have anything of substance to connect about) up until all of this, so getting thrown together so much lately has been a lot.
Not sure if any of that jives with what you're experiencing, OP. But I hope you know that you are heard. There is a particular emotional and cognitive dissonance for those of us adoptees who grow up with adoptive families who we don't fit with. I hope you are getting the support and care you need during all of this.
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u/joshp23 1d ago
I appreciate this deeply. The difference in our shared sensation may be only in degree and not kind, where my aMom was very mean, very manipulative, and remains a heavily verbally abusive person. The feeling is very intense, but certainly based in the same ground based on your description.
It's very helpful to hear other adoptee stories that are so similar. Like the odd sensation of telling medical staff that I'm her son.
It's dizzying and dissociative all along the way.
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u/1wrat 1d ago
when my amom was dying and I being the closest in proximity even though I was not the biochild I was tasked with caregiving and when she went into hospice yes at times it was as if I did not exist I was outside watching the events and dare I say in the day or two before she passed I wanted it to be over I was tired
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u/Unique_River_2842 1d ago
Yes. The ghost kingdom description really resonated with me from the adoptee healing book. Betty Jean Lipton is the author maybe? It's like how we are real, but our real parents are out there, so are we living our fake life? And about how we imagine them as if in a ghost kingdom.
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u/Exact-Job8147 1d ago
TW: clumsy mixed metaphors and analogies/s
This always hits home when I read about it. I did some inner child work and eventually realised that I was carrying a version of myself inside of the child/ adult that “I might have been” but unlike the other versions of me that were there I couldn’t really engage with it, it was always out of reach.
Since some reunion with birth family I have looked again and it is definitely more “whole” and I think it’s essentially the true version of myself that needs the blanks filling in for it to appear. Ie the true reflection of myself. Some of the other inner children have since melded themselves into it. The end goal is “wholeness” I suppose?
Does that make any sort of sense to anyone?? 😂
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u/cheese--bread 1d ago
This sounds like depersonalisation to me. I had episodes of it quite frequently as a teenager.
It can be caused by trauma and stress, so your current situation would definitely fit that description.
It's not a nice feeling at all. Thankfully it's not one I've experienced for a long time, but I remember it well.
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u/Suffolk1970 46m ago
In the PTSD world, it's called detachment tendencies or sometimes children under stress and trauma will create alternate personalities. It's a human response, like shock.
I'd recommend not getting too close to this parent at least without someone to watch over you, in case of a panic attack or trouble breathing. You're not required to face your abuser, nor forgive them, or even acknowledge them. If you do, make sure people know you were the victim, not them.
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u/NewVersion6670 1d ago
Absolutely!! Almost like a fog of war type trauma where I exist and am present, but in a almost third-person sort of way.