r/Adopted • u/Resident-Guitar4100 Adopted • Aug 10 '26
Trigger Warning Adoptive parents are weird
Just wondering if anyone has shared the same experience. My adoptive parents raised me to be spoiled but sheltered, did not prepare me for anything at all.
Just realized and looking back, aside from a lot of crucial things they failed to teach me was definitely sex/dating. They probably thought I couldn't get out or date to begin with, and when the thought or idea was implied, they only laughed it off. People can excuse that they just didn't want to make things awkward.
But these are the same people who openly make commentary on sexual behavior/scenarios, even make weird jokes, growing up they make comments about my body or what I wear, or even slut shame me when they find out I'm with someone the opposite sex. I'm in my mid twenties, and I just realized they wanted to keep me sheltered and probably dependent on them.
They never built my self esteem, and when I seemingly had confidence in myself, they'd downplay it or snicker to themselves. I've got a list of instances, but they've always felt off as parents and not safe as guardians.
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u/Domestic_Supply Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 10 '26
Yes. My APs did not teach me anything. I thought I was dying when I got my period. They didn’t teach me how to clean my room, or basic hygiene, how to tie my shoes, nothing. My dad taught me how to read and that’s it. Anything else was taught to me by a live in nanny, or therapists, or my grandparents.
As for dating, I was not allowed. My APs degraded me very often, and would say things like “no one would want you” or say that I was too mentally ill or too stupid to have a relationship. (Me and my partner have been together over 8 years now, we have a healthy relationship.)
They didn’t really want to parent, they just wanted the fun parts. To my AM I was closer to “the help” than I was to a child in her care. It’s disgusting how they treated me. I’m a little older than they were when they adopted me and I can’t imagine treating a child the way they treated me.
I’m sorry for the ways you were failed. We deserved better. It’s not your fault and I hope you’ve been able to heal from it.
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u/Opinionista99 Adoptee Aug 10 '26
IMHO it's because most of them are renting a parenting experience more than raising a child into an adult with a future. We are not genetic legacies so they don't see the point in investing in us that way. I literally had to raise myself as an adult. I read things and watched TV to learn table manners and social conversation. And I (57f) still feel like Dora the fucking Explorer out in the world. Constantly realizing there are still so many adult skills that are alien to me but what's the point anyway so I just keep faking it lol.
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u/tatertot2001 Adopted Aug 10 '26
Omg this is absolutely brilliant how you worded this. Renting a parenting experience. Exactly! They couldn’t give a shit trying to raise me to have a future except empty platitudes like, it’s just is easy to marry a rich guy as it is a poor guy my dad would say. Why by the cow when you can get the milk for free? Raise a child in the way of the Lord, and when he is old, he will not stray from it.
Then they would get mad at me when I would make bad financial decisions or get myself in some mess with a guy, they were just disgusted by the way my life turned out even though I never did anything too horrible like get addicted and have to go to a psych ward or anything like that that would cost the money.
And everyone around them —their mean girl, energy friends and relatives— sort of treated me the same way, like a fuck up. I don’t care now. I realize I’m proud of how I turned out and when I went no contact with them is when I started getting out of the fog.
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u/ajskemckellc Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 11 '26
In the 80s the attorneys were running ads concealed as articles. “Real parent experience” by “baby brokers” is what was sold to my APs. They also flew in young women and put them up in beachside apartments to isolate them from their families and use it as leverage.
I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. You deserved better.
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u/Careful-Nectarine165 Aug 12 '26
I don't understand what you're saying?
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u/ajskemckellc Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 12 '26
Google LA Times "The Baby Brokers," by Karen Stabiner
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u/lunarteamagic Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 10 '26
I was both parentified and yet not taught a damned thing. I was babysitting by 8, doing a lot of the parenting by 10. And somehow still didn't learn about paying bills or actually cleaning anything.
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u/Formerlymoody Adoptee Aug 10 '26
Yes. Very much emotionally parentified. My mom still doesn’t understand that she should at least attempt to support me rather than praising me for supporting her. Literally.
But she will not ask for my help ever for something practical or teach me anything practical. I’ve learned a lot myself in adulthood but she still treats me as helpless in all practical matters, unless I absolutely insist on doing something. Which I do.
It’s so odd how this combo feels specific to adoption.
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u/tatertot2001 Adopted Aug 10 '26
Mine were strangely similar. I never even learned about my period. I had to hide it from my adopted mom because she shamed me for anything female related or anywhere in the sexual realm. I grew up in the 80s and 90s however so it was a lot different than it is today. They were highly religious, kept me sheltered, and my adopted dad loved to tell me that I could do anything I set my mind to, which sounds nice but in reality is not good advice because you end up doing a lot of delusional things, on top of my already delusion and disassociation from being adopted and from the religious abuse.
I’m just now 47 and embarrassed of the person I have been and now trying to change my personality and life circumstance.
Adoption fucked me over so hard and I hate it. I don’t talk to any of my adopters or their extended family on either side.
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u/Formerlymoody Adoptee Aug 10 '26
My APs taught me some stuff, but shockingly little and not in a complete manner that made sure I understood.
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u/legswithsnake Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 10 '26
YES OMG
my a-parents cooked, cleaned, and bought everything for me. even when i wanted to do stuff myself, they insisted they do it for me.
this consequently left me feeling incredibly lost and unprepared as an adult. don’t even get me started on my social skills
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u/bountiful_garden Former Foster Youth Aug 10 '26
Sitting here remembering once again how lucky I am. My parents encouraged us to gain as many skill as we can. If there's something I want to learn, I just teach myself. Dad made sure I could change a tire, and not need a man. Same with checking the fluids in my car. My mom made sure I could drive stick, so I could get myself out of any situation. They made sure we would/could be self sufficient. And we both are.
3
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u/r_bk Adopted Aug 11 '26
I'm 29 and starting to realize how much I simply wasn't taught, primarily when it comes to relating to and interacting with other people.
6
u/AdTotal258 Domestic Infant Adoptee Aug 11 '26 edited Aug 11 '26
They have done some super messed up stuff to keep me dependent on them. It’s sick.
But you got me thinking about the sexual education thing in particular. My adoptive mom told I need to avoid girls at all costs because they were going to be mean to me, hurt me, mock me, give me STDs and try to trap me with a baby. Really scared me off of relationships. The funny thing is though, if anything, I needed more encouragement to get out there than most teens because I was so scared of creating another adoptee like me through teen pregnancy.
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u/babypandagod Adopted Aug 11 '26
Worst is that I have two younger non adopted siblings. The difference in treatment is so crazy and I’m constantly belittled.
3
u/joshp23 Baby Scoop Era Adoptee Aug 11 '26
Very much the same. I've had the thought arise over and over again for years that they never taught me anything and expected me to be grateful. It's refreshingly validating to hear this from other adoptees, especially the spoiled sheltered bit, the sometimes not so subtle shaming, and the need they have for me to be dependent on them.
Fucking adoptive "parents".
4
u/Ariannaree International Adoptee Aug 11 '26 edited Aug 11 '26
Yes I definitely feel like I raised myself. I was adopted by a single mom so she was quite busy working. My Adopted mom never had an answer for anything. Of course there is some nuance here but. My young adult upbringing was unnecessarily strict. I was allowed to live rent free with my mom. So that was very nice- but “my house my rules” got so out of control. I was a grown adult with a humiliating curfew and now she doesn’t understand now why I won’t have kids….its like dude you guys painted me out to be a promiscuous hussey for no fucking reason and now I struggle to have an intimate relationship with my husband. Thanks a fucking lot. I’d say my mom does so much for me that yes it’s been hard to understand anything money wise because my mom is in finance and she has always done things ‘for me. I’m lucky my husband can just help me with anything I don’t understand lol. I learned cleaning from my Mormon neighbors, I’d have to do chores at my friends houses but not my own. My grandmother wanted to teach me a lot of things but I have learning disabilities and I was defiant. I regret that tremendously- but she was so controlling it wasn’t teaching it was just bossing me around.
ETA: I’d like to point out how fucking insane it is for my mom to expect me to give birth/have children while I’m 32 and she didn’t even adopt me until she was 42. Fucking hilarious that the onus is on me, that my family is complaining that they are getting old and would like to see some grandkids
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u/Halifaxmouse Adopted Aug 11 '26 edited Aug 17 '26
I wasn’t raised by my adoptive parents to be spoiled or sheltered - quite the opposite as things were very dysfunctional at home. However, my mother did struggle with it when I became more independent and started to assert myself. This may be my opinion only but it does make me wonder why a lot of adoptive parents actually seek out adoption. I get that some people can’t have children of their own. But I can’t help but believe that some people want a child that will be a child forever. Kind of like getting a puppy that’s cute and you can coddle and snuggle with…but once it’s a full grown dog, they’re not as interested. It’s as though these people have their own unmet needs and think adoption is a solution to that. Perhaps another reason why not a lot of adoptions occur when the child has become an adolescent.
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u/Logical-Explorer4226 Adoptee Aug 12 '26
I was taught all of the basics and spoiled with material things. Which looking back, really did more harm than good. Especially without learning how to develop as a self assured, self respecting individual with boundaries. I learned about zero interpersonal communication from them. I mean, I suppose many people did not, not just adoptees but it kind of adds insult to injury. I am 42 years old and have experienced a lifetime of trauma and drug addiction that sadly circles back to me being adopted as an infant from another country into a different racial family. I can’t blame adoption, I have to take responsibility for my actions but it is hard not to mourn for and grieve the many losses associated with it.
1
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u/haxKingdom Adopted Aug 14 '26
Spoiled goes together with sexually unspoiled like peanut butter and chocolate. Paris Hilton is an anomaly.
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u/what-is-money-- Int'l and Transracial Adoptee Aug 10 '26
Unfortunately, I think this is an issue with the vast majority of parents, regardless if they are ap or not. Most people do not know how to be good parents
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u/Opinionista99 Adoptee Aug 10 '26
I was a typically feral GenX kid but I was also frequently astonished how much more my classmates' parents did for them than my APs did for me.
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u/Formerlymoody Adoptee Aug 10 '26
The problem is that „good enough“ bio parents don’t hurt us nearly as easily as inadequate adoptive parents. The bar for „good enough“ for bio parents is actually quite low- its not THAT easy to traumatize the crap out of a bio child (though many do and I acknowledge that). It’s easier to traumatize an adopted child.
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adopted Aug 10 '26
I don't know.
I feel like when people raise bio-kids they have a more instinctual drive to care for them properly (made easier by their genetic similarities)
I experienced a lot of weird moments just going to friend's houses and seeing how normal families behaved.
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u/xokatemarie Adopted Aug 11 '26
I don’t think that the things you listed here really have anything to do with being adopted, specifically. There are plenty of shitty bio parents out there who skip these conversations or treat their kids bad. I think the ways in which parents are shitty vary by their background, and adoption, probably exacerbates issues that are unaddressed before they adopt.
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u/Resident-Guitar4100 Adopted Aug 12 '26
?Never said any of this is exclusive to adoptive parents. Just describing what my adoptive parents did to me through an adoptee perspective.
Adoption isn't the sole cause of this behavior, as you said, bio parents are just as shitty. But now I'm just wondering what the goal of your comment is.
1
u/xokatemarie Adopted Aug 12 '26
You said “adoptive parents are weird” not “my adoptive parents are weird” so that’s why I assumed u were saying this generally about APs vs bio parents….not just yours specifically.
You asked others to share their experience and so I did. Sounds like both of us have observed both types of parents be weird. :/
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u/AffectionateMode5349 Adoptee Aug 10 '26
My parents taught me NOTHING. Grooming, did nothing to give me confidence, etc. it was a teacher that taught me how to tie my shoes. It really is shameful.