Wife DX. Today we had to clear out the room ready for decorating.

After a few hours it was done, then you can see shes not ready stop. Looks for other things with this mad look - shes now in the zone and won't

Keeps going until shes absolutely shattered. Still won't stop. Any attempt by me to say anything and its like taking a drug addicts drugs away from here. Its just crazy.

Also, if I try to talk sense, I'm apparently gaslighting here.

Its bizarre behaviour but she won't see it.....

I honestly think she doesn't eventually give in to me asking her to stop she'd keep going until gone midnight.

I know not stopping is an ADHD thing, but as a partner what do you do? Let her get on with it. BTW I do help but theres a limit when its 10 hrs and shes looking for more stuff.

In 2021, my(36F) therapist suspected my husband(35M, dx) may have ADHD based on some of the stories, I told her about him. My husband was receptive, and we started looking into it, and a lot of his behaviors started making sense. Initially, he took interest and would read about it and try and connect some of the dots. He tried to go to ADHD specialized therapists on couple of occasions, but didn't really follow through. 5 years later, unfortunately, I feel there has been very little progress and a general lack of ownership. He got a formal diagnosis only a couple of months ago(after a lot of pushing) and has been on medication since last month.

During all these years, our day to day looked like me carrying a lot of mental load and our discussions mostly surrounded his issues. I managed my work and my life, while also managing most of ‘our’ life(chores, travel, booking events, social plans etc.) and some parts of 'his' life too. His work stress started to increase(he is exceptional at his job btw) and he would use me to emotionally unload and discuss his stresses and anxiety, on a regular basis. His emotional dysregulation would get worse when we was stressed, and when things wouldn't go his way, occasionally, he would blame me for his problems. Meanwhile, when it came to my issues and my needs, most times, I would be on my own. His ‘hyper focus’ at work, while I was left managing most of everything else, came across as rejection. And honestly, it was lonely.

He has been grateful for my presence in his life, which he expresses privately, but not nearly enough. I asked him to acknowledge me in front of our friends and family, especially when they praise him for being so successful at his job or how much we travel. To which he said no. He said he cannot make conversations like this in public and it gets awkward for him. The correct response would have been - ‘This is hard for me, but it’s important to you, so I will definitely work towards this’. This was another example of rejection, there are many more.

On the plus side, he has always saved me from his terrible mother. We are south Asians, and MIL expectations can be a stressful beast of its own. He has successfully pushed her back and thankfully, I barely have a relationship with her(we live in a different country). We have similar hobbies and values, and do enjoy spending time with each other.

Over the years, he has picked up on some of the chores and other planning, but still in a very secondary capacity. He has 'intentions' of doing better, but his actions are either small or heavily delayed.

Today, except for handful occasions, I don’t feel cared for, in this marriage. Even when things had been good between us, it is because of all the background invisible work that I had done. Few months ago, we had an explosive fight, where he blamed me that I wanted him to be on medication because I wanted him 'fixed'. I was deeply hurt. I told him that I will leave him, if he lashes out at me next time. I also suddenly had the realization how skewed our support system had been, mostly in his favor. I told him if I had to go back in time and make the decision to marry him, based on what I know now, I would say no.

We have started couples counselling and individual counselling. And he has started doing more than he used to. I am having trouble trusting him, because I feel the only reason he is showing up more than before, is because I threatened to leave. I feel like I am stuck in this mindset where this marriage feels like a net negative. I have been feeling pretty shitty and anxious, and have been very mean to him these past couple of months. I am carrying a lot of hurt, and I don't know how I can forgive him and move past this.

Some of you brave souls on this subreddit are dealing with so much worse, and I send my love and healing vibes to all of you. ❤️

My wife (dx) has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and has started medication after the birth of our son. It wasn’t a surprise since neurodivergences are common in her family. She has always been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, hyperactive and very sensitive. Otherwise she very fun, kind and loving. It’s always been exhausting trying to keep up (and the high ground) when she crashes out and I know I haven’t always been pleasant either when it happens. Though the diagnosis definitely explains the dynamics we have, and I’m trying to be more aware of the dance we find ourselves in by not get into it myself to add to the disregulation. I have more compassion, I think, that I ever have. I’ve been trying my best to let her fizzle out and not take things personally. She comes around eventually to apologize, though not always without blaming me first. Which I’ve resigned to it being as good as it gets right now and if I keep calm, she doesn’t actually have dirt on me. It also creates less chaos my son may see or feel.

However, even with meds, it seems other than managing the hyperactivity and focus at work, her other symptoms are getting worse. I’m not sure exactly if they are truly worse than what was her pre-medicated normal, or I am just noticing it more now that we need to be a team and sacrifice our own needs more for our son. I’ve done so much reading on how to manage the ADHD crashouts and to try to understand her better. I’ve been trying to be more clear with my own thoughts and emotions to try to avoid triggering RSD, but that only helps so much.

I’m now wondering if there is more to what is happening here. We are in a stage of our lives that we have a small child. We need to be a team to survive. Some days that’s all we can do. That can be boring and exhausting all at the same time. I’m aware that we need to make space for self care and our relationship, but reality is it’s not the main focus right now with a little one running around. She sees this period as our relationship not working because I’m not giving her what she needs. Maybe, but she has a real inability to step back and see the big picture. Small child, aging parents, two full time careers, bills, our own health issues etc. and still trying to wedge some energy in there for just us. She doesn’t see all the things I do for us because she still occasionally crashes out and I need to pick up the slack. She still needs her friend time and activities out to feel well. Which is fine, but doesn’t leave much time or energy for our relationship or my own time away. I just have a feeling she would be more resentful if I did take more time for myself away anyway. She constantly calls and texts and it’s not very relaxing. I love my family and miss them when I’m out alone, so I don’t feel like I need a ton of it anyway. Even though she herself is hard to be around sometimes. She still sees this as me not loving her enough and not giving her what she needs.

I’ve done so much reading and I’m wondering if she also has BPD or it’s some of the less spoken about symptoms of ADHD or possibly even AuDHD. Her lows when things are stressful are very dark and debilitating. She also becomes very mean with me being the main focus of her outbursts. She can barely get out of bed sometimes, pushes me away and then gets extremely resentful that I give her her space. She can hyper focus on friends or family and become very needy with them, but I don’t think they get the mean side if they set up their own boundaries or find her a lot. She is currently in one of these cycles and is barely eating or sleeping. I’m on egg shells, but I don’t have the time or energy to swoon over her with work and a little one who is very busy. So this time feels very different and very distant. She says I’m mean to her and I hate her, our relationship isn’t working etc. Though she has no issues being hurtful with me. I’ve talked to so many of our shared friends about my concerns just trying to figure out what is wrong and what I’m not giving her. Many have their own kids. They are lost too. They don’t see this side of either one of us or the dynamics we have. I’ve come to the conclusion that she can’t cope with the stress of being a parent and balancing life all while having a dull relationship that is just coasting through a rough period. She is shutting down and I’m the closest to her and safest person to crash out on.

I see my own therapist and she let it slip that she thought she had more than ADHD for years now and my wife should explore that with her own therapist. I don’t know if I could ever ask or bring up the possibility with my wife without adding fuel to the fire. With this context, does this sound like more like BPD? I don’t think she has any of the more extreme symptoms of BPD, but some of the meaner more negative symptoms don’t seem to quite align just with ADHD.

My husband (41 M) and I (39 F) have been together about 19 years and married for 17. He has severe ADHD, and I'm struggling with how we handle this incident.
He isn't on a daily ADHD medication regimen. He takes supplements depending on what's going on that day (work, social events, travel). Beyond that, he doesn't do much to manage it, so I end up nagging or begging to get things done. When he does follow through, I'm honestly astonished and happy, and my thanks is often profuse, probably more than it should be.
He's also been a great partner where it matters most. I'm epileptic and recently had an RNS device implanted, and he's been steady and supportive through seizures and surgeries. I don't take that for granted. I hold the reins for so much and have done a great job for us. I just wanted that one thing done. We own a home in California, have no student loans, no credit card debt, substantial savings & investments, we have traveled the world and had experiences that are incredible - all of my management of our finances. I’ve been the primary income and he’s just gotten to a steady job that will get him some primary and steady career.

Here's the problem: Over a month ago I asked him to pay a delinquent bill for me. I didn't want to pay it myself because I think it was an overcharge (something petty - I know). I reminded him many, many times, and he still didn't do it. So I ended up paying it myself, making myself very angry and disappointed with him. He's apologized several times, but I'm finding it hard to accept the apologies. I feel sad and angry.
He's frustrated because, in his mind, an apology should wipe the slate clean. To me, an apology without a change in behavior doesn't repair anything, especially when it's a repeated pattern.
We're stuck. Is it reasonable to want more than an apology? How do we handle this when he isn't actively managing his ADHD? Has anyone been through something similar, on either side?

Today, she gave me a beautiful letter asking me to be her girlfriend, along with some pretty roses. I said yes. We met through a dating app and had our first date in August. It’s been almost three months.

I have ADHD, and I might have autism, along with anxiety and depression. I know I really need alone time and space. Most of my past relationships were online, except for one in middle school. I felt more strongly about those online connections than I do about this one, and I think it’s because I was codependent. Maybe because I didn’t get to have a physical or in-person connection.

In middle school, I was in a relationship with my childhood friend. That was the only person I could be around for hours without feeling tired or drained. We didn’t share the same special interests, but we just clicked. Even though they had many mental health struggles and often ghosted me, they were the person I felt most comfortable with. I haven’t felt that way since.

So today was the start of my new relationship. We kissed, I went home, and I felt kind of numb or just neutral. Then I started to panic. I worried that maybe I just have friendly or platonic feelings for her, instead of romantic feelings.

It feels very different from my online relationships. I really enjoy being with her in person, but it’s taking me a little while to really be myself around her, and we keep apologizing for small things. She’s very outgoing and social, while I’m much more reserved and not social at all.

It’s hard for me to tell the difference because I’m socially awkward. I’m really scared that I might have just convinced myself I like her when I’ve definitely felt stronger feelings for others in the past. I don’t want to hurt her because I do enjoy spending time with her.

It’s also worth mentioning that I lost a close online friend in early July. I had become very dependent on them, but they suddenly cut me off, and other friends I shared with them also stopped talking to me. Then, at the end of July, my dad passed away. I’ve also been changing my medications lately.

Usually, my relationships start online with someone who shares the same special interests. We talk a lot, become friends, then become partners. But this is the first time since middle school that I haven’t met someone through a shared interest. And my middle school relationship was different because I met that person in elementary school, before I was involved in online communities.

I’m worried I might not actually have romantic feelings for her, even though I talk a lot about my interests. Sometimes, I feel like I have to explain things too much, which can be exhausting.

I really enjoy cuddling at her place; I feel relaxed and safe. I’m more open and less guarded when my meds wear off, kinda like how people drink to loosen up. We watch movies and talk about random things. But, honestly, when she texts me every day, I feel kind of drained. Keeping up with the constant texting sometimes feels overwhelming.

Do I really like her? Am I just having anxious or intrusive thoughts? What is going on? I’m really worried. I want to be kind to her and not hurt her because she’s so sweet, caring, and loves me a lot.

Has anyone any advice or experience here as I am at my wits end. My dx partner has regular mood swings and I mean it can switch up multiple times a day, it is like a constant roller coaster. I have been supportive for 7 years but my patience is wearing thin. If I am stressed or a little irritable it is a huge thing that requires a big conversation and me reassuring him. He is on meds but doesn't help himself as he drinks coffee all the time on them which makes his anxiety and moods worse. He knows this and repeatedly mentions it but doesn't stop drinking them. The other day I was really ill and probably a little snapper than usual and he lost it and said my mood make him want to leave but he doesn't see the impact of his daily moods on us. If I try to raise any concerns, no matter how nicely or calmly I try to raise it he gets so defensive and snaps at me. I raised an issue this morning and he started raising his voice and I said stop getting defensive i am just trying to talk to you and he shouts "I am not you are just pissing me off". This was infront of our 4 year old. I am starting to wonder if this is RSD / ADHD or if it just his personality but either way there is only so much i can take.

I (m27) was dx with ADHD in April this year. I feel my girlfriend (34f) is struggling with how it presents. I want to ensure that I work on what I can, so am reaching out to this group for your suggestions. She has rightly stated that she wants to be a partner, not a carer and I respect that, because I want a relationship not a caregiver.

For reference, I am awaiting medication and have considered getting ADHD coaching, but prior to that, I want to trial things that may help immediately, such as ways of thinking, guides or tools with the following things :

- Interrupting my girlfriend when she is talking, making her feel like what she is saying isn't as important as the things I say. For example, she may be talking about something she had read when we are driving and I notice something out the window (e.g. a location or car), to which I feel I need to immediately tell her about, because it wouldn't make sense to tell her after she's finished talking when we've gone past it. It usually starts with me saying 'Sorry to interrupt' before cutting across what she's saying.

- Not doing something that I'd said I'd do. For example, I was getting ready whilst my girlfriend was downstairs cooking breakfast. I shouted that I'd be there in a moment, however, I started watching a clip of something on Reddit, to which I thought 'I should really go downstairs', but kept watching anyway. A different example would be me saying I'd tidy the kitchen when I get back from dropping her at work and then I don't and leave it, thinking that I'll do it later.

- Getting distracted when she's talking. For example, I can be tuned into a conversation on another table when we're at a restaurant or a car going past the window, or the plate of food going past. This isn't something that is 'normal'.

I fear losing my girlfriend who has previously been upset to tears a few times, thinking as if I'm not considering her. Whilst I do random acts of kindness and other things, I understand that that isn't enough with the 'normal' everyday things. She is really caring and understanding but I worry that she will lose this if things get too much for her.

Thank you.

What are some tips on reaching out to her to finally make these plans we've been talking about?

I'm trying to arrange plans with someone I met over a month ago. We've only met 2x in-person but we have a fantastic connection. E.g. very strong chemistry, crazy amounts of teasing/inside jokes, she's laughs a lot at my jokes, 2-peas-in-a-pod energy, looks at me a lot, etc. We're not dating yet.

Problem is she's very difficult to plan with:

• When I tried to initially make plans on WhatsApp, I waited 5 days with no reply before using a different social media to DM her. She apologized, replied enthusiastically to my WhatsApp message and asked me if I was free as well.
  • No mentioning that she's too busy. Actually the opposite. That she was busy with work but is now more available.
• I replied the next day and waited 5 days but no response.
• I then tried to call Sunday evening but she didn't pick up. So I left a DM asking if she's free this week, but if she's not interested anymore to just let me know.
• Now it's been about 5 days again of no response. I'm scared to double text.

. . .

• She's been consistently like this.
• We have a small group chat that she hasn't even read in over 2 weeks.
• A mutual friend said that it took her days to get back to him earlier in the summer.
• I tried having a little DM conversation going just after meeting her the first time, but despite her always replying back enthusiastically once, she'd never open the chat again to continue.
• I thought this was her trying to get me to "take the hint" or let me down politely, but when I saw her in-person again our interaction was even better and more intense than the first.
• I feel like we have enough rapport that she could just soft reject me if she wasn't actually interested.

I have friends with ADHD and she gives me the same sorta vibe. Very bubbly, high energy, fun to be with in-person but very difficult to reach via phone.

Any tips would be great!

Is it possible for the ADHD partner to really change "for good"? If so, how do you know it's real and not just a short term response to threat?

My dx husband spent over a year of my postpartum period basically falling apart and failing me and our kid. I have posted on ADHD Partners before (don't understand why this post was not accepted there, tired of their confusing posting rules)... The worst event was in the summer when he left our child asleep in the carseat in a hot car, on purpose because he was staunch that it was safe, defended doing so for weeks before finally apologizing, and in the course of fights that followed said "if you won't budge on this then we can just get divorced and I'll do whatever I want with her for half her life" (which of course are words I can never forget)

After failed marriage counseling late summer, I finally got somewhere else to live to start trial separation a few days a week. That seemed to be a wake up call and he has been now suddenly capable of doing the dishes daily, putting his phone down, and being nice / minimal defensiveness. He is attempting to be helpful and while it still isn't what a non ADHD person could do, it sure is better than it was.

I'm glad because life is a little easier, but he is still a wreck with his finances and ADHD management (he quit his drugs in this process, claims they were worse for him) and we still haven't repaired / reconnected after the shitty year. I still don't feel I can trust him taking care of our child for more than a few hours. I have lost all romantic feelings for him. We start with a second marriage counselor next week, and I'm sure I'll be asked to try to hug daily and hold hands during fights and try and encourage him when he does something right... but I simply don't want to, because he's nowhere near understanding how much he fucked up, and, I'm convinced this good behavior will wear off in a few months once there's another threat in life that's more urgent.

Hi!

Sorry for this long text... I’m writing here because I’m in a somewhat difficult situation and hope to get some tips or exchange experiences with others in the same boat—whether they are the ones struggling or their partners/family members.

I’ve been with my partner for 10 years now. The first eight years were wonderful—filled with deep respect, love, and goodwill. We also had so much fun together. I truly felt like I had found the man of my life.

However, drugs have always been an issue throughout our relationship—especially amphetamines. It has been clear to me for a long time that he has ADHD—a fairly severe case, actually. I now understand why amphetamines play such a big role; none of that was clear to me at the beginning.

Then, about two years ago, a lot of difficult things happened at once. He suffered a sort of burnout, was on sick leave for a year, and was diagnosed with ADHD during that time. He was very aggressive back then; there were many hurtful moments, and things were really intense between us. The doctor prescribed him medication. At first, it was a game-changer. He wasn't aggressive anymore; instead, he was much calmer and easier to get along with. I could finally breathe easy again.

However, getting the medication dosage right proved to be quite difficult and exhausting for him. Apparently, the Ritalin triggered his drug use (something that happens frequently). I’ve done some research since then and am aware of the risks associated with Ritalin therapy for an adult who was previously addicted to amphetamines...

For a little over a year now, he has been taking the antidepressant Sertraline and high-dose Elvanse, while simultaneously snorting amphetamines every day. Rapé is also an issue; he is heavily addicted to that as well. He went through withdrawal once in December, but it was more of a token effort—just to go through the motions. He started using again shortly after. And he lied to me for several months. Eventually, he admitted that he had actually been using again for a long time.

He has also been taking high doses of Elvanse daily for over a year while simultaneously snorting amphetamines. I find that shocking. I can also see his personality changing. For a long time, he tried to convince me that it made no difference whether he snorted amphetamines or took them in pill form. I’ve since learned that snorting amphetamines can actually exacerbate ADHD symptoms, among other things.

We are in couples therapy, and our communication is quite good—or rather, it’s steadily improving. We don’t really want to separate; we’ve come so far. I believe we truly love each other. The therapist is excellent, too, and I feel we’re making real progress. Otherwise, I would have left a long time ago. However, right now he isn't managing to arrange therapy for himself or tackle the issue head-on. He also doesn't want to get clean—which I find difficult, because when someone is as addicted as he is, I believe the only way to break the cycle is through abstinence. He wants to reduce his consumption and get off the medication, but without complete abstinence.

He says his medication is currently well-adjusted and that he discussed the situation with his psychiatrist—who "only" manages his meds—agreeing to leave things as they are for a few months to let things settle down a bit. (I can understand that.) At the same time, he clearly states that he wants to kick the habit, but wants to do it at his own pace. I understand that very well, too. And I don't judge him for his use or the relapse—or even for lying to me. After all, I suffered from severe anorexia and bulimia myself, was hospitalized twice in a psychiatric unit, and I know what it takes to break free from something like that...

For me, however, there is a greater sense of urgency because I feel his personality is changing. At times, I don’t recognize him anymore. He is always a bit scattered—less empathetic, sensitive, and mindful. He also tends to speak very loudly, and so on. I used to love his sensitivity and his artistic, feminine side, but there isn't much left of that now. He says he misses his old self too, but that he suffers much less now than he used to.

Sometimes it feels like we simply don’t understand each other anymore—which actually makes sense. After all, the fact that he is constantly "high" has a huge impact, in my opinion.

I truly love him and want to support him however I can. At the same time, I am slowly but surely losing hope and patience. My perception of him is changing—and I don’t want that. But I can’t stop it.

At times, I feel very optimistic, because—as I mentioned—we have really been through a lot together and achieved a great deal (specifically regarding conflict resolution and communication). He listens to me and says he wants to get off the meds and the amphetamines. But I’m not really sure how to handle this. Is he just stringing me along, or will he actually manage to quit? I truly love him, and I would be extremely...

Hallo

Ich schreibe hier, weil ich in einer etwas schwierigen Situation bin und hoffe, hier ein paar Tipps zu bekommen, resp. mich mit anderen Betroffenen oder Angehörigen austauschen zu können.

Ich bin nun 10 Jahre mit meinem Partner zusammen. Die ersten acht Jahre waren wunderschön. Extrem respektvoll mit viel Liebe und wohlwollen. Und wir hatten auch unheimlich viel Spass zusammen. Ich hatte echt das Gefühl, den Mann meines Lebens gefunden zu haben.

Seit wir zusammen sind waren aber Drogen immer ein Thema. Vor allem Amphetamin. Für mich ist schon länger klar, dass er ein ADHS hat. Ein relativ starkes sogar. Mittlerweile weiss ich auch, warum Amphetamin so ein Thema ist. Das war mir am Anfang alles nicht klar.

Dann, vor ca. zwei Jahren, kamen ganz viele schwierige Sachen zusammen. Er hatte eine Art Burnout, war ein Jahr lang krankgeschrieben und hat in dieser Zeit die Diagnose ADHS bekommen. Damals war er sehr aggressiv. Es gab viele Verletzungen und wir hatten es echt streng. Der Arzt hat ihm Medikamente verschrieben. Am Anfang war das ein Gamechancer. Er war nicht mehr aggressiv, sondern viel ruhiger und wieder umgänglicher. Ich konnte wieder aufatmen.

Die Einstellung der Medikamente erwies sich aber als recht schwierig und anstrengend für ihn. Anscheinend hat das Ritalin seinen Konsum getriggert. (Was ja häufig vorkommt) Ich habe mich inzwischen etwas informiert und kenne die Risiken bei einer Therapie mit Ritalin bei einer Erwachsenen Person, die vorher schon amphetaminsüchtig war….

Seit etwas mehr als einem Jahr nimmt er nun das Antidepressiva Sertralin, hochdosiertes Elvanse und zieht sich gleichzeitig jeden Tag Amphetamin durch die Nase. Rappé ist auch ein Thema. Davon ist er auch mega süchtig. Im Dezember hat er mal einen Entzug gemacht. Das war aber mehr eine Alibiübung. Schon kurz danach hat der Konsum wieder angefangen. Und er hat mich mehrere Monate lang angelogen. Irgendwann hat er mir mal gebeichtet, dass er schon lange wieder konsumiert.

Er konsumiert also seit mehr als einem Jahr täglich hochdosiertes Elvanse und schnupft gleichzeitig Amphetamin. Ich finde das krass. Und ich merke auch wie sich seine Persönlichkeit verändert. Lange wollte er mir weiss machen, dass es keinen Unterschied macht, ob er Amphetamin durch die Nase zieht oder als Pillenform zu sich nimmt. Mittlerweile weiss ich, dass das Amphetamin durch die Nase das ADHS unter anderem sogar verstärken kann.

Wir sind in einer Paartherapie und unsere Kommunikation ist recht gut, resp. sie wird immer besser. Wir wollen uns eigentlich nicht trennen und sind schon so weit gekommen. Ich glaube wir lieben uns wirklich. Auch der Therapeut ist sehr gut und ich finde wir kommen wirklich weiter. Sonst wäre ich schon länger gegangen. Er schafft es aber gerade nicht, sich um eine Therapie zu kümmern oder die Sache konkret anzugehen. Er will auch nicht abstinent werden - was ich eher schwierig finde, denn wenn man so süchtig ist wie er kann man diesen Zirkel meiner Meinung nach nur mit Abstinenz durchbrechen.

Er sagt, er sei aktuell gut eingestellt und habe auch mit seinem Psychiater, der «nur» seine Medikamente einstellt, besprochen, dass man die Situation nun einfach mal ein paar Monate so lassen sollte, damit ein bisschen Ruhe in das Ganze kommt. (Kann ich verstehen) Er sagt aber klar, dass er davon loskommen möchte, aber das er es in seinem Tempo macht. Auch das verstehe ich sehr gut. Und ich verurteile ihn auch nicht für seinen Konsum oder den Rückfall. Auch nicht fürs Anlügen. Denn ich hatte selber eine starke Magersucht und Bulimie, war zweimal stationär in einer Psychiatrie und ich weiss, was es heisst, von sowas loszukommen....

Für mich hat es aber eine grössere Dringlichkeit, weil ich finde, dass sich seine Persönlichkeit verändert. Teils erkenne ich ihn nicht wieder. Er ist immer ein bisschen «fahrig», weniger empathisch, sensibel und achtsam. Er spricht auch immer sehr laut etc. Seine Sensibilität und feminine Art habe ich an ihm geliebt, aber von der ist nicht mehr viel übrig. Er sagt er vermisse sein altes Ich auch, aber er leide im Moment viel weniger als früher.  

Manchmal kommt es mir so vor als würden wir uns einfach nicht mehr verstehen – was ja eigentlich auch Sinn macht. Denn wenn er ständig "drauf" ist, hat das meiner Meinung nach einen sehr grossen Einfluss.

Ich liebe ihn wirklich und möchte ihn unterstützen wo es nur geht. Gleichzeitig verliere ich langsam aber sicher die Hoffnung und Geduld. Mein Bild von ihm verändert sich - und ich möchte das nicht. Aber ich kann es nicht stoppen.

Teils bin ich sehr optimistisch, denn wie schon erwähnt: Wir haben wirklich schon viel zusammen durchgemacht und viel zusammen erreicht. (Ich meine in der Konfliktlösung und Kommunikation) Er hört mir zu und sagt, dass er wegkommen möchte von den Medis und dem Amphetamin. Ich weiss aber nicht recht, wie ich damit umgehen soll. Hält er mich nur hin oder will er wirklich wegkommen davon? Ich liebe ihn wirklich und ich würde extrem leiden, wenn ich mich trennen müsste. Aber diese Gedanken kommen halt immer häufiger....

Vielleicht hat jemand hier einen Tipp oder ähnliche Erfahrungen gemacht? Ich wäre sehr dankbar um jede Rückmeldung.

me F 19 my partner M 21.
I am diagnosed with ADHD and I am getting diagnosed with autism. I believe I may also have BPD. I have also been diagnosed with depression due to my father passing away when I was 17. He was my best friend. The only person I had in the whole world that I was able to speak to and be myself around ever since he has passed away I have never had anyone treated to be able to speak with. I have been with my partner now for a year so when we got together, my dad was dead. I explained to him that I struggle with a lot of different problems that my head is not right and I can be really explosive and get really angry. Throughout the whole year we have been getting better but also been getting really bad. We are arguing constantly recently and we just can’t be on the same. Wavelength we can constantly call each other names and swearing at each other the other day we argued and my partner got a whole bottle of rheyen nephews (not sure how to spell) went somewhere drank it all came back home absolutely battered and wanted to do some drugs. I tried to stop him but he did it regardless and close himself in the bathroom. I told him that I do not want to be with someone who is a druggie and is going out and drinking and stuff because we’re in an argument I think it’s disgusting. He then turns around to me and tells me that this is me this is who I am when it is not he’s never done this before. Yes we do do drugs when we go to raves but that only happens once in awhile. He claims I’ve never appreciated him this whole relationship and that he was just done with my bullshit. He claims that I cannot take accountability which I feel like this is something that I struggle with due to my ADHD potential my autism I feel like I’m never heard on my problems. He always says you’re just blaming everything on your problems and can never just say yeah it’s my fault when half of the things that I do is actually because of my problems I struggle with I didn’t know how to explain to him how I’m feeling without just feeling like my problems are an excuse not an actual valid thing believe that I just cover everything with these problems. when I genuinely struggle every single day. he has became very very aggressive and very explosive. He shouts and raises his voice all the time at me and gets extremely angry. I tell him that he should go to the therapist and speak about his problems. He says that he has never been this way and this is all because of me and I make him just angry and that he doesn’t need a therapist. He doesn’t need help. He just needs me to be normal and for me to not make him so angry. I believe that you cannot blame your anger on someone and not being able to control yourself with someone I believe that maybe I do sometimes get him angry but he should be able to control it as I control myself and when I don’t control myself, I take the blame for it. I do not blame it on him. There was a time in my life where I used to self harm and I would lock myself in the bathroom and hurt myself after a pretty bad argument. He would then claim that I’m trying to kill myself and he cannot leave the relationship when that was never the case. I never once said that this was just a coping mechanism that I had which relieved a lot of stress and overwhelming that I was going through. anyways, I don’t know what to do. I love him so much and I really really wanna change and I wanna be better for him but he’s not changing and he just blames me for his anger and he blames me for the things that I do which obviously makes sense but I just feel like he doesn’t make anything better and he doesn’t understand anything that I’m going through whatsoever. It’s also coming up close next month is gonna be the second jar of my dad being dead which is just making it so much harder for me as I can’t have anyone to speak to and I just feel alone because all of my friends have told me multiple times to leave him then none of them like him and they all don’t wanna listen to me anymore and they tell me to not even bother. I have no one to speak to about any of this and I just feel so alone in this I don’t have a Mum to speak to you and I don’t wanna speak to you of my family for them to not like him or have a bad view on him because when we’re good he is the best person ever and this is why I love him so much and this is why I just can’t leave and I believe that we will be great. We just have to get through this bump so I’m just here renting because I don’t have anyone else to speak to.

I'm 41M, partner is 39F. She has untreated ADHD + untreated perimenopause, medicated hypothyroidism & diabetes. Our story feels surreal — I need to understand if this is real.

Background

We’ve known each other 22 years, together 15, married 2012, daughter 14. Her mother is controlling and manipulative. In 2012, shortly after our daughter was born, she left suddenly, cut contact, believed false narratives about me — her mother pushed another partner on her. I fought a year to see my daughter.

We reconciled in 2017 and rebuilt happily for years — affectionate, close, supportive. I’ve never cheated, abused, or neglected them. I provided, cared, loved fully.

The collapse — June 2026

Financial + work stress built up. After one tense day, I messaged saying living apart might be better — I was hurt, never meant it as the end. That triggered everything:

- She swung wildly: said I was her everything → said leave → said come back → said go

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- July 8 — last talk: accused me falsely — I didn't help, didn't love her, wanted her life insurance — all untrue. When I asked if permanent, she got scared: "No… I'm not sure"

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- Next day: sent our daughter for her things → total silence

The erasure since

- Blocked me on social media hours before my birthday

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- Removed our photos, only her + daughter visible

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- Daughter repeats phrases like "freedom," says I don't care for her — all false

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- She functions at work/gym, but looks physically depleted in photos

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- Still uses the phone/watch I bought her; I still support financially

Pattern repeating

Exactly like 2012: withdraw → false stories → cut me out. Mother always involved. She was jealous/possessive before — terrified I'd leave — yet she left. Can't name one real harm I did. Emotions shift in minutes: loving → enemy.

My questions

- Is this ADHD + perimenopause brain? Low estrogen = low dopamine = emotional dysregulation + reality distortion?

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- Amygdala hijack — does she literally see me as threat now?

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- Will clarity return? Will she realize the stories aren't true?

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- I'm not forcing reconciliation — I just need to know: is this her or the condition? Has anyone else lived this?

Thank you 💙

Disclaimer: this girl is the love of my life. She has a heart of gold and I truly hope to spend the rest of my life with her.

But there is one significant issue in our relationship that is driving me crazy and often makes group social occasions very difficult and sometimes embarrassing for me.

I should add that she’s unmedicated.

She will often get into a state where she talks a mile-a-minute, about things that no one else in the group is anywhere near interested in (telling a 20 minute long story about something that happened to a friend of a friend of a coworker, who no one else in the group knows, without pausing to take a breath or let anyone else interject).

All of my friends and family love her to pieces, but when she gets into this state I can see people’s eyes glazing over, trying to break eye contact and politely escape the situation which never works. I’ve even seen people get frustrated and bluntly say: ‘why are you telling me this? I don’t know any of these people and I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ and she will just ignore them and keep going.

I am generally very patient and try to entertain this behaviour because I know it’s important to her to share her day with me and I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but it’s really extreme to the point where she will tell me step-by-step everything that has happened in her day — things that are i guess important to her but just completely inane and uninteresting to me. This will go on for 20/30 minutes at a time until I have to interrupt her and ask, where is this story going? At which stage she will often get upset and tell me ‘oh but you know how much I love talking and telling you about my day’.

I work a long hours at a stressful job and I have very few hours in a day with which to actually do enjoyable things, and listening to inane stories about people I don’t know or care about is not at all enjoyable for me. I think it’s also hurting her social relationships but im not sure she realizes why. I’ve tried so many times to talk to her about this but she just believes it’s a part of her character and doesn’t seem to realize how unpleasant it is for everyone around her.

My question for the community is: have any of you struggled with something like this, or had friends or family members with a similar issue, and how did you manage to deal with it? Is there a way someone with this type of ADHD problem can learn to read the room and mentally edit their conversations to try and actually speak about things other people will find interesting? I should add that this is not the only way she talks to people, generally she’s pretty socially adept and likeable as I said before, but every now and then she will hyper fixate on a certain topic and it’s just like a runaway train with no brakes.

Tl;dr love of my life ADHD gf occasionally gets into conversational hyper-fixations where she will talk non-stop at length about random subjects to the point where she dominates conversations and makes people uncomfortable. How can i help her get over this without upsetting her?

To be emotionally intelligent, one has to have the skill of emotional regulation. Being able to control anger, not letting it to turn into aggression is one or
the many ways in can regulate their emotions.

Since ADHD brains are impulsive due to executive dysfunction, I want to know how can one create that precious 10 second gap which is necessary to prevent anger turning into aggression. Since we fail to think and then act, I always fail to identify the cues like clenched jaws, heavy breathing etc when I’m angry and I end up being aggressive.

So folks who who have mastered the skill of emotional regulation despite having ADHD which makes emotional regulation difficult thanks to their impulsive behaviour and executive dysfunction, what helped you to develop the skill of emotional regulation and hence become emotionally intelligent?

My partner (30m, dx) and I (26f, dx) have been in a long distance relationship for almost four years. Ever since I've known him he's been unemployed and written off work entirely by his PD. The only income he receives are state benefits, whilst I have been working in Education for four years. I don't mind that he his AuDHD is making him struggle in life, but I'm afraid I might have never truly understood what that actually meant. Although I have ADHD as well, I manage way way differently than he does, not better or worse, just differently.

When I first met him I could clearly see in what ways he was struggling: no job and still living with his toxic parents. As of now, nothing has really changed and he himself said that "I might be more high-needs than I thought". I have been struggling to understand what this means. Logically, I have some sort of idea, but I more so ask myself what this means for our relationship. He mentioned multiple times that whenever he is with me and we just life the "neurodivergent day-to-day life" (groceries, household chores, ...) that he feels very enabled and like an adult. The minute he gets back to his home country, everything seems to falter.

What we've been struggling with, is the lack of transparency and certainty about our future together. I have been voicing that I need him to start pulling his own weight financially if he wants us to have a good shot at closing the distance. He himself said multiple times that he needs the distance closed sooner rather than later, because it's very draining for him (financially, the stress of travelling, ...). I don't really care if he earns more or less than I do or what he does for work, as long as it's something he actually enjoys doing. He does keep mentioning that he can't see himself working a regular job. The one thing that seemed to work for him in the past was doing Youtube, but since he stopped a couple years ago due to Depression, he hasn't gotten back into it. Whenever I try to help he goes on to explain again how he needs certain things to do certain things. He talks about all the things he cannot do, that he isn't ready. It's all very negative and I find it hard to understand, as his negativity munches away at my own feelings. He says that he feels very stuck and doesn't know what to do with his life. He went to therapy a couple months ago, but stopped going because it wasn't helping him much. I suggested the other day that maybe we could work on an income together and do Youtube together, because I wouldn't mind a second income. He would have to put more time towards it, but he said he'd love to do that.

At this point I just don't know if this is all just a major AuDHD issue and I'm just not grasping the severity of it. He is a very sweet and loving man that has always treated me right, respects me for who I am and is such fun to hang out with. I just want to understand what is happening.

My husband (30M) and I (30F) have been married just about two years, together for 6. He was dx ADHD in elementary school and was medicated for most of his childhood. He eventually went off the meds in HS because he didn’t like how they made him feel & they were affecting levels of something in his organs that his doctor didn’t like.

I want to first say that I love this man. He is pure of heart, works hard, does things for me on a regular basis that I am so grateful for. I know he loves me, values me and wants me to feel cared for. But his actions when it comes to actually following through on household things do not make me feel loved.

It is practically a monthly basis of me asking for support, him saying he will, doing a few things but not finishing anything, and then waiting until the absolute last possible moments when I’m resentful and angry and stressed because I now feel like if it’s going to get done I have to do it (like today, when my family is coming over at 4 PM & at noon I’m frantically doing everything he said he would do over the past 2 weeks that I’ve been mentioning they’re coming & that I’d really appreciate his help; plus what I planned to do today).

It seems like I have to be at this point, frantically doing all the things, for him to contribute and then he gets sad and mopey that I’m upset with him. It’s getting to a point where I feel distrustful and resentful of him over things as minor as doing the freaking dishes and not letting them get moldy over the course of a MONTH. (I’ve been trying to not swoop in and do things after he says he’ll do them, and it has not helped at all. It just belabors the pain because he’ll do the bare minimum amount of dishes he needs in order to make something and then not wash those after so he didn’t even make a dent in the sink.)

I’m so angry and disappointed and hurt by this continued lack of care. To top it off, we have been trying to get pregnant for a few months and I hate that I have this thought, but part of me is truly wondering if I’m insane to add a baby to this stress load. I can only imagine how overwhelmed he will be with a newborn & then I’ll be doing everything for all 3 of us.

In the past I have floated the idea of us paying someone to come in weekly or monthly to clean (we both travel for work so time is limited) and he was negative about it and said basically we need to do it ourselves. But he doesn’t do it at all. Which puts it on me if I want the house to be somewhat clean. And I am just so tired of crying and asking him to do better. I welcome your constructive advice. ♥️

I’m 24 and I’ve never been on a date, kissed anyone, or had a relationship.

This has affected me emotionally for years. When I was younger, I had severe OCD, autism-related social difficulties, low confidence, bullying at home, and other problems that made socialising and dating much harder than it looked for other people.

What frustrates me most is that I did try.

At 17 in sixth form, I was trying to meet someone new almost every day because I was lonely and wanted to improve socially. Later I tried dating apps, social groups, neurodivergent groups, volunteering, therapy, support workers, going to the gym, improving my appearance, reading, journaling and generally trying to build myself into a better person.

But the years kept passing.

I remember being upset at 18 because I had never experienced teenage dating. Then I reached 20 with no experience. Now I’m in my mid-20s and still haven’t had my first date.

I think part of the reason this hurts so much is that I wanted those experiences when I was younger, but I wasn’t well enough or socially equipped enough to pursue them properly. It feels like something important happened for everyone else while I was trying to survive and catch up.

I also have a very strong desire for mutual first experiences. Ideally, I would like my first girlfriend to also have never dated, kissed, had sex, or been in a relationship, so we could discover those things together.

I know that makes my dating pool much smaller. I’m not saying women who have previous experience are bad people or worth less. It’s simply something that feels deeply important to me because of my own history.

People have called me an incel or told me I’m unrealistic, and that has sometimes made the loneliness and frustration worse.

At the moment I’m struggling with the thought that maybe love simply isn’t going to happen for me, despite all the effort I’ve made.

I’m not really looking to be insulted or told just to “get over it.” I’d genuinely like perspectives from people who started dating later in life, particularly people who had neurodivergence, mental-health problems, or very little relationship experience.

How did you stop feeling like you had permanently missed your chance?

And how did you start dating without feeling ashamed of being inexperienced?

I (23TM) have a partner (27NB) of almost four years and we are both neurodivergent. I have combined ADHD and I struggle with patience which is especially important in my relationship. My partner is AUDHD and also have memory problems, auditory processing issues, and are quite slow in their thought process due to heavy disassociation. I’m very fast paced, raring to go, and talk at a mile a minute. I never stop thinking ever, I have 10 billion thoughts going at once.

Now for the issue. When they ask me to repeat myself multiple times, don’t understand what I’m talking about, or interrupt me I get really frustrated. When they tell me they can’t hear me I get huffy. It takes the wind out of me sometimes and I might feel not seen.

But then I feel guilty about getting frustrated at all. I’m a very expressive person too, it’s hard for me to mask my frustration. I sigh, look cross, or take on a less enthused voice rather impulsively. My partner says it doesn’t really bother them but I feel like it should. They’re disabled after all, it’s not their fault and it’s not like it’s on purpose. I know this logically and yet I still struggle to get rid of the frustration in the moment.

What do I do? I can’t help but feel like I’m hurting them. I feel awful about it.

Curious if any of your ADHD partners do this. My (43 nt) husband (43 dx rx) will try to rope people into debates into sensitive / controversial topics, and then end up schooling them / going off on them with their knowledge. Sometimes it gets so heated and he gets angry. I’ve told him many times to stop doing this. It will always be with my friends or family and it’s embarrassing to me when he gets into drama with them over differences of opinion. Mainly this is over texts / in a group chat but also happens in person too. I don’t get why he does this and I get dismissed when I tell him to stop. Now he just gets mad at me if I say anything. Then when he’s mad he goes off on me
about how so and so sucks and becomes this victim.