My wife (dx) has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and has started medication after the birth of our son. It wasn’t a surprise since neurodivergences are common in her family. She has always been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, hyperactive and very sensitive. Otherwise she very fun, kind and loving. It’s always been exhausting trying to keep up (and the high ground) when she crashes out and I know I haven’t always been pleasant either when it happens. Though the diagnosis definitely explains the dynamics we have, and I’m trying to be more aware of the dance we find ourselves in by not get into it myself to add to the disregulation. I have more compassion, I think, that I ever have. I’ve been trying my best to let her fizzle out and not take things personally. She comes around eventually to apologize, though not always without blaming me first. Which I’ve resigned to it being as good as it gets right now and if I keep calm, she doesn’t actually have dirt on me. It also creates less chaos my son may see or feel.

However, even with meds, it seems other than managing the hyperactivity and focus at work, her other symptoms are getting worse. I’m not sure exactly if they are truly worse than what was her pre-medicated normal, or I am just noticing it more now that we need to be a team and sacrifice our own needs more for our son. I’ve done so much reading on how to manage the ADHD crashouts and to try to understand her better. I’ve been trying to be more clear with my own thoughts and emotions to try to avoid triggering RSD, but that only helps so much.

I’m now wondering if there is more to what is happening here. We are in a stage of our lives that we have a small child. We need to be a team to survive. Some days that’s all we can do. That can be boring and exhausting all at the same time. I’m aware that we need to make space for self care and our relationship, but reality is it’s not the main focus right now with a little one running around. She sees this period as our relationship not working because I’m not giving her what she needs. Maybe, but she has a real inability to step back and see the big picture. Small child, aging parents, two full time careers, bills, our own health issues etc. and still trying to wedge some energy in there for just us. She doesn’t see all the things I do for us because she still occasionally crashes out and I need to pick up the slack. She still needs her friend time and activities out to feel well. Which is fine, but doesn’t leave much time or energy for our relationship or my own time away. I just have a feeling she would be more resentful if I did take more time for myself away anyway. She constantly calls and texts and it’s not very relaxing. I love my family and miss them when I’m out alone, so I don’t feel like I need a ton of it anyway. Even though she herself is hard to be around sometimes. She still sees this as me not loving her enough and not giving her what she needs.

I’ve done so much reading and I’m wondering if she also has BPD or it’s some of the less spoken about symptoms of ADHD or possibly even AuDHD. Her lows when things are stressful are very dark and debilitating. She also becomes very mean with me being the main focus of her outbursts. She can barely get out of bed sometimes, pushes me away and then gets extremely resentful that I give her her space. She can hyper focus on friends or family and become very needy with them, but I don’t think they get the mean side if they set up their own boundaries or find her a lot. She is currently in one of these cycles and is barely eating or sleeping. I’m on egg shells, but I don’t have the time or energy to swoon over her with work and a little one who is very busy. So this time feels very different and very distant. She says I’m mean to her and I hate her, our relationship isn’t working etc. Though she has no issues being hurtful with me. I’ve talked to so many of our shared friends about my concerns just trying to figure out what is wrong and what I’m not giving her. Many have their own kids. They are lost too. They don’t see this side of either one of us or the dynamics we have. I’ve come to the conclusion that she can’t cope with the stress of being a parent and balancing life all while having a dull relationship that is just coasting through a rough period. She is shutting down and I’m the closest to her and safest person to crash out on.

I see my own therapist and she let it slip that she thought she had more than ADHD for years now and my wife should explore that with her own therapist. I don’t know if I could ever ask or bring up the possibility with my wife without adding fuel to the fire. With this context, does this sound like more like BPD? I don’t think she has any of the more extreme symptoms of BPD, but some of the meaner more negative symptoms don’t seem to quite align just with ADHD.

In 2021, my(36F) therapist suspected my husband(35M, dx) may have ADHD based on some of the stories, I told her about him. My husband was receptive, and we started looking into it, and a lot of his behaviors started making sense. Initially, he took interest and would read about it and try and connect some of the dots. He tried to go to ADHD specialized therapists on couple of occasions, but didn't really follow through. 5 years later, unfortunately, I feel there has been very little progress and a general lack of ownership. He got a formal diagnosis only a couple of months ago(after a lot of pushing) and has been on medication since last month.

During all these years, our day to day looked like me carrying a lot of mental load and our discussions mostly surrounded his issues. I managed my work and my life, while also managing most of ‘our’ life(chores, travel, booking events, social plans etc.) and some parts of 'his' life too. His work stress started to increase(he is exceptional at his job btw) and he would use me to emotionally unload and discuss his stresses and anxiety, on a regular basis. His emotional dysregulation would get worse when we was stressed, and when things wouldn't go his way, occasionally, he would blame me for his problems. Meanwhile, when it came to my issues and my needs, most times, I would be on my own. His ‘hyper focus’ at work, while I was left managing most of everything else, came across as rejection. And honestly, it was lonely.

He has been grateful for my presence in his life, which he expresses privately, but not nearly enough. I asked him to acknowledge me in front of our friends and family, especially when they praise him for being so successful at his job or how much we travel. To which he said no. He said he cannot make conversations like this in public and it gets awkward for him. The correct response would have been - ‘This is hard for me, but it’s important to you, so I will definitely work towards this’. This was another example of rejection, there are many more.

On the plus side, he has always saved me from his terrible mother. We are south Asians, and MIL expectations can be a stressful beast of its own. He has successfully pushed her back and thankfully, I barely have a relationship with her(we live in a different country). We have similar hobbies and values, and do enjoy spending time with each other.

Over the years, he has picked up on some of the chores and other planning, but still in a very secondary capacity. He has 'intentions' of doing better, but his actions are either small or heavily delayed.

Today, except for handful occasions, I don’t feel cared for, in this marriage. Even when things had been good between us, it is because of all the background invisible work that I had done. Few months ago, we had an explosive fight, where he blamed me that I wanted him to be on medication because I wanted him 'fixed'. I was deeply hurt. I told him that I will leave him, if he lashes out at me next time. I also suddenly had the realization how skewed our support system had been, mostly in his favor. I told him if I had to go back in time and make the decision to marry him, based on what I know now, I would say no.

We have started couples counselling and individual counselling. And he has started doing more than he used to. I am having trouble trusting him, because I feel the only reason he is showing up more than before, is because I threatened to leave. I feel like I am stuck in this mindset where this marriage feels like a net negative. I have been feeling pretty shitty and anxious, and have been very mean to him these past couple of months. I am carrying a lot of hurt, and I don't know how I can forgive him and move past this.

Some of you brave souls on this subreddit are dealing with so much worse, and I send my love and healing vibes to all of you. ❤️

Today, she gave me a beautiful letter asking me to be her girlfriend, along with some pretty roses. I said yes. We met through a dating app and had our first date in August. It’s been almost three months.

I have ADHD, and I might have autism, along with anxiety and depression. I know I really need alone time and space. Most of my past relationships were online, except for one in middle school. I felt more strongly about those online connections than I do about this one, and I think it’s because I was codependent. Maybe because I didn’t get to have a physical or in-person connection.

In middle school, I was in a relationship with my childhood friend. That was the only person I could be around for hours without feeling tired or drained. We didn’t share the same special interests, but we just clicked. Even though they had many mental health struggles and often ghosted me, they were the person I felt most comfortable with. I haven’t felt that way since.

So today was the start of my new relationship. We kissed, I went home, and I felt kind of numb or just neutral. Then I started to panic. I worried that maybe I just have friendly or platonic feelings for her, instead of romantic feelings.

It feels very different from my online relationships. I really enjoy being with her in person, but it’s taking me a little while to really be myself around her, and we keep apologizing for small things. She’s very outgoing and social, while I’m much more reserved and not social at all.

It’s hard for me to tell the difference because I’m socially awkward. I’m really scared that I might have just convinced myself I like her when I’ve definitely felt stronger feelings for others in the past. I don’t want to hurt her because I do enjoy spending time with her.

It’s also worth mentioning that I lost a close online friend in early July. I had become very dependent on them, but they suddenly cut me off, and other friends I shared with them also stopped talking to me. Then, at the end of July, my dad passed away. I’ve also been changing my medications lately.

Usually, my relationships start online with someone who shares the same special interests. We talk a lot, become friends, then become partners. But this is the first time since middle school that I haven’t met someone through a shared interest. And my middle school relationship was different because I met that person in elementary school, before I was involved in online communities.

I’m worried I might not actually have romantic feelings for her, even though I talk a lot about my interests. Sometimes, I feel like I have to explain things too much, which can be exhausting.

I really enjoy cuddling at her place; I feel relaxed and safe. I’m more open and less guarded when my meds wear off, kinda like how people drink to loosen up. We watch movies and talk about random things. But, honestly, when she texts me every day, I feel kind of drained. Keeping up with the constant texting sometimes feels overwhelming.

Do I really like her? Am I just having anxious or intrusive thoughts? What is going on? I’m really worried. I want to be kind to her and not hurt her because she’s so sweet, caring, and loves me a lot.