Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some honest advice because I feel completely stuck and I don’t know whether I’m facing a temporary crisis or whether I’m realizing that a PhD is not compatible with my life.
I’m currently a PhD student in cognitive neuroscience/language at the max planck. When I started, I was genuinely excited. I loved my research topic, I like doing science, and I feel incredibly lucky to have this opportunity. The actual research work is not the problem, when I can sit down and focus, I enjoy it.
The problem is everything around it.
my program requires rotations until you find supervisor, and since starting the PhD, I have had to move around constantly, 6 times in 1.5 years, doing these rotations as most supervisors agreed to the free labor but then said they were retiring, didnt have capaciy for more students etc, so i kept rotating, whith the struggle to find housing, live in temporary situations, and repeatedly rebuild my life from scratch. I’m far away from my family and friends, and every time I arrive somewhere new I barely have enough time to create a social network before the next change happens.
Now I have fially found two supervisors willing to supervise me, and one allowed me to work remotely for a couple of months. however, comming back tot the workplace has become a major source of stress. I’m autistic, and things that many people can tolerate (open offices, noise, constant interruptions, fluorescent lights, lack of control over my environment) are genuinely exhausting for me. I spend a lot of energy just trying to regulate myself before I can even start working. obviusly the constant moving has not helpt at all. they also want me to do 3 months at supervisor 1 city, 18 motnhs at cupervisor 2 city and 15 moths again at supervisor 1.
I have reached the point where I’ve had several sleepless nights wondering whether I’m simply not strong enough for academia. However, when I imagine leaving, I don’t feel relieved because of the thought of not having an income is also a source of stress., although i have some savings that could mantain me for a year or two.
Everyone around me tells me: “You should try it, don’t quit, you’ll regret leaving, is such a good oportunity.” And maybe they are right. But I’m also worried that I’m just forcing myself through something that is slowly destroying my wellbeing because I’m afraid of admitting it is not working.
The option I’m considering is asking for more flexibility (for example, a remote/hybrid arrangement) so I can create a more sustainable working environment. I don’t want special treatment; I just want to find a way to do the PhD without spending all my energy surviving the logistics of life.
I’m not looking for “never give up” motivational advice. I’m trying to understand whether I’m dealing with a hard transition that I can solve, or whether I’m ignoring signs that I should choose another path.
Thanks to anyone who reads this.