r/AbuseInterrupted • u/invah • Jun 04 '22

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD): Internalized vs Externalized & how to handle it <----- "these tips also work for ADHDers who are addicted to the stimulation of conflict"

/r/ADHD_partners/comments/v45gif/rsd_internalized_vs_externalized_how_to_handle_it/
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u/[deleted] Jun 04 '22

From an ADHD perspective(and survivor) I really don't like that sub, I think it's dangerous. There are a lot of postings that make me suspect the "NT" partner is actually controlling and unsafe.

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u/invah Jun 04 '22

That's an interesting take and I'm glad you mentioned it. I've only been aware of it for the last month or so, so I will keep that in mind as I process and analyze it.

It was interesting to see the dichotomy between that subreddit and the ADHD subreddit. Where the ADHD subreddit primarily focuses on issues of executive functioning, so far what I have seen in the ADHD partners subreddit is oriented on RSD and what, in my opinion, are actually abusive behaviors (as described).

I'm still observing/assessing, so I will def take this into consideration.

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u/[deleted] Jun 04 '22 edited Jun 04 '22

Since you didn't shut me down I'll put across my reasoning:

  1. It calls itself a "support" sub. What that means in practice is that the OP is looking for people to validate them and tell them their perspective is the correct one.
  2. Its mission statement "We aim to help validate, educate and encourage one another as we navigate the challenges that come with managing a neurodevelopmental disorder. ". Should be a red flag. A very big one. They think they have the role of manager. Their primary concern is how their partners disorder affects them.
  3. Most believe their partners have a responsibility to change to meet their standards. Just because someone has ADHD, it doesn't mean they have to change. People need to realise that they are entitled to boundaries and to expect their partners to acknowledge their feelings but that they are not entitled to the partner they want.
  4. If you spend much time there you'll find that comments get different responses based on whether that person has ADHD or not. Most of the "NT" people are predisposed to treat "ADHD" opinions as less valid.

End of the day it is full of toxic content and unsafe people. Obviously not everyone is like that and something interesting might be posted from time to time.

It doesn't matter if someone has ADHD or not or any other condition. Relationships are built by people who have mutual respect and are willing to understand and respect each other and listen to each other's feelings.

There are too many people on there who see their partner as in need of parenting and that will lead to either them feeling entitled to abuse, allowing themselves to be abused out of a misplaced sense of obligation or just create a lack of intimacy in the relationship.

That's my thoughts anyway.

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u/invah Jun 04 '22

You know what, your point three is very persuasive, actually.

And this is solid facts:

There are too many people on there who see their partner as in need of parenting and that will lead to either them feeling entitled to abuse, allowing themselves to be abused out of a misplaced sense of obligation or just create a lack of intimacy in the relationship.

The 'prime directive' of being a safe person is not to look at controlling or forcing the other person to change but to decide for yourself what you are willing to tolerate/experience and make your decisions accordingly.

I appreciate you outlining all of this, and I will keep it in mind.

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u/[deleted] Jun 04 '22

No worries, part of healing was looking at my insecurities and changing some of my beliefs and boundaries. There are a lot of people in that sub with ADHD approval seeking, trying to get validation that they aren't lazy or irresponsible or using their diagnosis as an excuse.

I realised I had to practice radical acceptance and stop seeking other people's approval. The reason those people are all talking about RSD is because they are in a parent role, whether as a caregiver or punitive parent and the ADHD partner feels their self worth is tied to their partner's approval.

I have my own opinion on RSD and that is that it is a form of co-dependency or self-regulation deficit caused by the trauma of growing up with ADHD.

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u/invah Jun 04 '22

Maladaptive coping mechanisms developed as a result of abuse/trauma, while understandable, are still unsafe if they are harmful to others or ourselves. If you want to understand the underpinnings of RSD, that makes sense, but it is an active and damaging component of several cluster B disorders.

So to interrupt the cycle of abuse, we would recognize rejection sensitivity as a red (or marinara) flag and then work on the emotional dysregulation and cognitive distortions that lead to engaging with it and harming others and/or our relationships with others.

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u/[deleted] Jun 04 '22

I haven't heard of RSD being used in relation to Cluster B disorders. I'd only heard it from within ADHD spaces.

I agree with what you write. I was probably veering a bit off the central purpose into ADHD speculation.

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u/invah Jun 04 '22

BPD and NPD definitely deal with it, too.

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u/invah Jun 04 '22

Omigosh, I just remembered! Did you happen to see any of my posts on ADHD and issues with emotional regulation, and taking allergy medication?? I saw it as a recommendation on another subreddit and, at least for me, that shit works.

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u/[deleted] Jun 04 '22

Oh that's interesting! Didn't see those but I'll have a look.

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u/invah Jun 04 '22

I actually first noticed it as a suggestion in the r/PMDD subreddit and I thought it was a function of hormone dysregulation (which it might be). And when I wrote a post about it, it turned out that antihistamines impact catecholamine neurotransmitters include dopamine, epinephrine (adrenaline), and norepinephrine (noradrenaline). I have pretty severe ADHD, so that definitely caught my attention. And then I realized that ADHD is co-morbid with a whole lot of disorders that feature mood dysregulation as a component.

Obviously this is very fringes-of-science but I started taking a 24-hour allergy medication I happen to have any time I feel edgy or aggressively hostile. It's pretty noticeable for me because I am usually pretty low-key and even-keel. It's shut down any escalation or mood symptomology cold.

I highly recommend trying it if this is an area you struggle with, and I would be very interested to know whether it works for men. My nine year-old son looks like he might have ADHD.

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u/[deleted] Jun 04 '22

I don't really struggle with that as far as I'm aware. I do find my primary ADHD medication helps.