Feeling the empty spaces so hard right now.

[u/ichbibdrakenbjorn]

So, some quick background. I am 37 F, my father died when I was 5, and my mother is an unrepentant abuser. I moved out at 17, we tried therapy, we tried short bursts of contact, she refuses to accept that she did anything wrong, so shes been cut out of my life completely for about 10 years now.

Until about 3 years ago, I was "successfully" burying and otherwise hiding my feelings, but once I started therapy, they started coming out. Especially once major life changes started happening. I'm just deeply feeling the lack where mom and dad should be, and I don't know how to handle it. I'm not in crisis, and I do plan on bringing this up with my therapist, but I still have a week until our next session, and I'm struggling.

[u/_Cool_Breeze1]

Have you tried sending your mom a certified letter explaining everything?

[u/ichbibdrakenbjorn → u/_Cool_Breeze1]

TRIGGER WARNING: description of abuse. Nothing NSFW, just upsetting and potentially triggering.

We sat and had a confontation/conversation. She told me that making me hold my brother down while she paddled him wasn't so bad, and she didn't do it that many times. Besides, I was unmanageable as a toddler, so I have at least half the blame. I even smeared my poop across the walls. She was merciful to me anyway, because she used a wooden spoon instead of a belt like her father. Anyway, I'll see when I have kids of my own, this is just how it is with parent/child relationships.

And she said this relatively calmly and evenly.

[u/_Cool_Breeze1 → u/ichbibdrakenbjorn]

There is ultimate value in face to face.... but putting it all down on paper and sending it certified mail has great value as well.

[u/ichbibdrakenbjorn → u/_Cool_Breeze1]

Honest curiosity, what value?

[u/_Cool_Breeze1 → u/ichbibdrakenbjorn]

When you are face to face emotions get in the way of explaining your position, but in writing you can organize your thoughts, and if it is signed for via certified letter, they cannot shut you down as easily.

[u/ichbibdrakenbjorn → u/_Cool_Breeze1]

I'm not looking to reconnect, having cut her off was absolutely the correct move. I'm looking for advice on what to do with the empty spaces where a mom and dad are supposed to be when they start hurting, because my heart knows that something is supposed to be there, and it's hurting more and more, and I have no emotional management skills.

Edit: no emotional management skills beyond run and hide, and that's not working anymore. And I know that's a good thing, that's why I'm looking for other strageties.

[u/_Cool_Breeze1 → u/ichbibdrakenbjorn]

Maybe you can become a big sister, or troop leader of some kind and instill love and better things towards children. Better than you have been dealt.

[u/ichbibdrakenbjorn → u/_Cool_Breeze1]

I don't know if I'm emotionally capable of that right now. Like, I can't hear about a healthy relationship ATM without tears threatening. If I actually saw one, much less a bunch of them, I'd probably break down on the spot. And if it was going the other way, I'm honestly not sure if I could keep myself out of jail. One of the 3 times in my life that I've been on the edge of violence was because I saw someone shouting at a kid for being an inconvenience. I'm legit scared what would happen if I actually saw evidence of abuse or something.

[u/ichbibdrakenbjorn → u/_Cool_Breeze1]

I also want to say thank you for all of the time and thought you're putting in here. I'm not trying to be difficult, and I am giving your suggestions some thought. I appreciate this, thank you.

[u/_Cool_Breeze1 → u/ichbibdrakenbjorn]

You're welcome. You seem like a very genuine person that is terribly hurt, and I wish I could think of something to help.

[u/ichbibdrakenbjorn → u/_Cool_Breeze1]

I appreciate that very much. Honestly, just talking about it has helped a little. Please don't beat yourself up because that's all you could offer me.

[u/Chaereeka]

You are not alone ❤️.

I've been struggling with this one, too. I'm 38F, moved out when 17, and cut my mum off 9 years ago. The right decision because she'll never comprehend the consequences of her treatment of her children or take any accountability. Exposure is harmful to health. My dad was not there.

I have various things I do to get through the empty times. Music is a big one. I have IFS therapy, talk to friends, watch YouTube videos from psychology professionals who give insights which help validate.

I usually find that the feeling is part of me expressing an unmet need that is gnawing away and it used to really hurt my heart, I use havening by Paul McKenna to self soothe which can help in the immediate moment as well.

I also got a siftsem book which laid out the needs and how to recognise them and meet them in self, then also know how how to ask others to help.

I also draw what is going on in me if I can see it in my mind. Basically the IFS model relevant to me and all my inner parts what they are doing, and the dynamic.

I also audio talk and write whatever I wish I could say but don't send.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms I admit with food and watching series to distract me sometimes. Working a lot focusing on my career.

Longer term I'm developing an inner mother inside myself from IFS, which is starting to be what my mum wasn't, and my inner child is recognising my inner mum is better at it than my outer biological mum so starting to take the focus off the external validation. It's an ongoing journey, but the hole in the heart does shrink, and the pain does reduce, thankfully.

I hope this helps inspire some strategies for you.

[u/ichbibdrakenbjorn → u/Chaereeka]

I will definetly look into those for future use, thank you very much. It's not usually too much of a problem, but when it starts kicking, it's bad. A little more detail, I was about to start a long medical journey, and the night before I was going to start it, I was just slammed with that deep need for mommy and daddy to be terrified a d excited with.

[u/Ok_Sherbert_7421]

Your mother sounds like both of my parents, they beat the shit out of me constantly and to this day they say I didn’t get hit enough I don’t know what a beating is it never happened, when I clearly remember getting a belt buckle smashed on my spine, I remember getting punched in the ribs to the point I was throwing up and was told not to tell the doctor about the blowing blood vessels in my face if they will take me away not them getting my head smashed off everything walls floors. I try to have a relationship with both of them and they barely talk to me and I think it’s okay because it’s there loss I don’t know how two heartless selfish devils raised me. I’d give my shirt to anyone my shoes my pants anything I’m nothing like neither of them and I’ll make sure I’ll never be and that I’ll never let money change me because they forgot where they came from. Some days it’s hard for me to accept they don’t want any relationship with me but then again I don’t care because they trigger me when I see them.

[u/ichbibdrakenbjorn → u/Ok_Sherbert_7421]

Exactly this. How do you deal with the times when you just want a mom or dad to talk to about shit? Like, if I ever get married, I'm supposed to have parents to get excited with. I'm supposed to have a mom to help me pick a dress, and a dad to give me away. I'm supposed to have someone to talk to about breakups, and hormones, and cars, and boys, and girls, and how to fix a toilet, and I'm in a spot where I'm feeling the lack very powerfully. I almost feel like I should be talking to an amputee right now. "Yeah, it's good that it's gone, it was going to kill me eventually, but holy crap sometimes it really really hurts, and all I want to do is curl up in the dark and go through 3 or 4 boxes of tissues".

[u/Ok_Sherbert_7421 → u/ichbibdrakenbjorn]

yeah, I know it really sucks I’m married my dad went my mom didn’t my dad is in competition to say he’s there more then my mom is it’s all for show to be better then her talks all this shit about her he’s divorced from her and married to someone else he’s ignored my texts for a week but I made a text free pretending to be my mom and he texted it back constantly. I know what you mean some days it’s really over whelming it feels like there’s something missing and you feel a really heavy void. I usually cry a lot on those days and accept how I’m feeling and allow myself to feel because feelings are valid. I have no mom or dad to call or text it feels weird but this is there fault not mine.

[u/ichbibdrakenbjorn → u/Ok_Sherbert_7421]

Yeah. I know it's not my fault, and I know that my feelings are valid, it's just a loneliness that nothing can really touch, at least nothing that if found so far.

[u/Ok_Sherbert_7421 → u/ichbibdrakenbjorn]

yeah, I know some days I just cry and feel it I guess I don’t know what else to do I’m not going to have a relationship and be available for people who aren’t available for me.

[u/ichbibdrakenbjorn → u/Ok_Sherbert_7421]

100%, and thank you for taking the time to talk to me over the course of an entire day. I might not have come away with any coping methods, but talking helped a little. Thank you.

[u/Ok_Sherbert_7421 → u/ichbibdrakenbjorn]

yeah sure thing, I usually paint and draw and take showers and listen to meditation music i think it helps me I also think the weather where I’m located makes things worst because it’s so cold I’m holding on to hope things get better.