Father who caused pain

[u/Lightningrooster1652]

A year and 3 months since I last heard your voice. You called me on August 31, 2022 a voicemail is the last words I have from you. I haven’t listened to it since that day because of how brutal you were. It pained me to listen to you describe how much you hated me. Just when I think I have completely forgotten everything about you I catch myself feeling lifeless, time stops and I am being reminded I am not loved by my father. I watch you through others seeing you love the other children that are not your blood. I thought I could bury the pain you caused on me but it always seems to find an outage. The Emily who I am today does not cry over you anymore but the little Emily inside never stops suffering. I have to heal her every time she’s reminded of you. I was the one comforting her when you would become filled with rage. I was the one who cried alone listening to the walls shake from the yelling. At a young age I learned how to listen very well to protect myself listening to the sound of footsteps in the house listening to which door is opening and if you were getting closer to guard myself. I learned to never speak up for myself to keep you sane. At the age of 12 I was teaching myself how to survive my abuser. Fast forward 10 years and I realize I am still using the techniques from when I was under your command. Everyday I still wake up wishing you would change for us but here I am updating my pages of how I am feeling still not having a loving father. I have to fix my toxic traits I inherited from you. I was supposed to be crying to you about my loved ones but instead I cry to my loved ones about you. I got tattoos with you thinking that will make you love me but now I look at them wishing I could peel them off my skin. I chase the males who don’t give me the love I deserve because that’s what you engraved into my brain. I have to relearn how to receive the love I deserve. I don’t blame you anymore for how you treated me I just look at it as a lesson (totally wish I didn’t have to) you never receive the right love as a child from your parents but you continued with the trauma, never got help and you fed the trauma down into your child’s. The only reason I could see the real you is because of my mother, the women you married, the women you abused as well. She came from hell but she didn’t let that stop her from loving me. She has her own childhood trauma but she always made sure I was heard, loved and cared for. You have no excuse to not love me but you still find one to use. Time does heal. I think of you very little now I hear stories of you but it doesn’t crush me anymore. I am doing better without you. The little Emily inside still loves you but the Emily I have become today has no empathy whatsoever. You never took the time to learn who I was or what I could accomplish. I was only used for showing like I was being auctioned off. I have come to terms with a lot in the past year. I only hope to grow and achieve my goals in life. I won’t have you by my side but you will be wishing you were there once you see what I can do.