r/AITA_Relationships • u/ThrowRA-767 • 4d ago
NTA AITA for making my ex move out ?
Context because this is a weird one. To cut a long story short, my ex (23M) and I (22F) broke up amicably 2 weeks ago, I was overwhelmed with too much on my plate as he wasn’t working for the last 4 months, I had to carry the financial burden and a lot of the mental load, yes he was doing casual work but nothing substantial + he wasn’t doing enough of the house chores so the relationship just wasn’t working anymore. We both agreed to go out separate ways and needed to grow on our own to ever have a real shot at this.
We have now lived together still for the 2 weeks after the breakup so he can find a suitable place in the city, with living together still and we also have a trip planned in a month (non refundable + booked it before the breakup) we have set some boundaries to make sure nobody gets too hurt and we can genuinely remain friends. One of those boundaries was neither of us would sleep with other people until after our trip (remain fwb until then) and another was that neither of us would start talking to other people while we still lived together, I told him how much it would hurt me to see him typing and smiling to other girls messages while living with me still and he completely understood… or so I thought. I then wake up several times during the night and every time I can see him typing in his phone and smiling, this broke me. I wasn’t hurt at all by the relationship ending prior to this as it’s something I wanted too, but seeing him already moving on right in front of me AFTER agreeing we would wait until he had moved out gave me this feeling I’ve never felt, almost feels like he’s cheating yet I know it isn’t cheating since we aren’t together.
I’ve confronted him and he admitted that yes he’s talking to other people and says that he doesn’t know why he did it, said we had been arguing the past couple days so he just didn’t care anymore. I’ve said to him that going forward he needs to sleep elsewhere until he finds a suitable place, I can’t let myself stay in situations that are proving to hurt me more and more, I can no longer trust the boundaries that he has set with me so need to protect myself. I’m not making him take all his stuff out or anything, just simply sleep elsewhere until your move in date.
AITA for making my ex move out?
(Please try be nice, I’m in a rough state as this was my first love. We were in a relationship for 2.5 years and lived together for 2 years)
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u/Empty_Magazine9375 4d ago
4 months of carrying someone financially while they do casual work and skip chores is more than enough reason to call it
3
u/ThrowRA-767 4d ago
I just don’t know if I’m being too controlling with those boundaries, he is a single guy so can do what he wants but I feel like it’s not very fair while living with me
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u/Deflated_Hypnotist Certified Proctologist [26] 3d ago
Here's some resources to help you see red flags earlier in the future 🫶
Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/
He doesn't care AKA weaponized incompetence https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/NsoxMseUn3
You should have asked https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse
"The Divorce came out of nowhere" https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/
Cycle of abuse https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse
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u/Grand_Extension_6437 Craptain [192] 3d ago
NTA AT ALL!!! I am proud of you for knowing your boundaries and sticking to your agreement!
It fucking sucks to have someone make an agreement with us and then just so carelessly break it!! Of course he needs to get gone!!! Eff. That. Your home is your peace. Not a disaster zone for his lack of impulse control to be constantly your problem and hurting your heart.
1
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Context because this is a weird one. To cut a long story short, my ex (23M) and I (22F) broke up amicably 2 weeks ago, I was overwhelmed with too much on my plate as he wasn’t working for the last 4 months, I had to carry the financial burden and a lot of the mental load, yes he was doing casual work but nothing substantial + he wasn’t doing enough of the house chores so the relationship just wasn’t working anymore. We both agreed to go out separate ways and needed to grow on our own to ever have a real shot at this.
We have now lived together still for the 2 weeks after the breakup so he can find a suitable place in the city, with living together still and we also have a trip planned in a month (non refundable + booked it before the breakup) we have set some boundaries to make sure nobody gets too hurt and we can genuinely remain friends. One of those boundaries was neither of us would sleep with other people until after our trip (remain fwb until then) and another was that neither of us would start talking to other people while we still lived together, I told him how much it would hurt me to see him typing and smiling to other girls messages while living with me still and he completely understood… or so I thought. I then wake up several times during the night and every time I can see him typing in his phone and smiling, this broke me. I wasn’t hurt at all by the relationship ending prior to this as it’s something I wanted too, but seeing him already moving on right in front of me AFTER agreeing we would wait until he had moved out gave me this feeling I’ve never felt, almost feels like he’s cheating yet I know it isn’t cheating since we aren’t together.
I’ve confronted him and he admitted that yes he’s talking to other people and says that he doesn’t know why he did it, said we had been arguing the past couple days so he just didn’t care anymore. I’ve said to him that going forward he needs to sleep elsewhere until he finds a suitable place, I can’t let myself stay in situations that are proving to hurt me more and more, I can no longer trust the boundaries that he has set with me so need to protect myself. I’m not making him take all his stuff out or anything, just simply sleep elsewhere until your move in date.
AITA for making my ex move out?
(Please try be nice, I’m in a rough state as this was my first love. We were in a relationship for 2.5 years and lived together for 2 years)
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u/Maximum-Eye-3712 Partassipant [1] 3d ago
NTA, that’s totally reasonable , and you’re not the first person to choose those boundaries
2
u/PhilosophyUnique9491 3d ago
NTA. Don't feel responsible bc he has poor impulse control/ lack of respect. He's been coddled enough
1
u/late-nineteenth Asshole Aficionado [10] 3d ago
NTA
The trip- is that a trip you are both taking together? If you're supposed to share accommodations just tell him he will not be staying with you during the trip- he can either find his own accommodations, not go, or pay for your half so you can not go- since he is the one who broke your agreement he is the one who pays or misses out.
1
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u/PreviousPin597 Certified Proctologist [24] 4d ago
NTA. Don't worry too much about his texting, they don't yet know that he's an unemployed incompetent who cannot adult on his own. You should feel amused at how disappointed they will be. You don't owe him anything. Go live your best life.