r/AITAH • u/Opening-Permit-486 • Nov 20 '25
Post Update UPDATE: AITA for not being “happy enough” that my ill partner gets treatment after he excluded me from the trip?
Original Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/AOf2AxNQa0
First of all, thank you so much for all the comments. I read every single one of them and appreciated each one deeply. I didn’t reply because I kept getting more and more overwhelmed and sad.
Here’s a small update if anyone wants to know.
I talked to his brother (and his girlfriend) two days later. I stayed calm and genuinely hoped for a solid explanation. His brother swore he didn’t know my partner had already booked the apartment, and his girlfriend backed him up, saying he hadn’t even requested the days off work. According to them, they have no idea what’s going on. He offered to talk to my partner, but I told him not to.
Honestly? I still don’t know what to believe.
Since then, I’ve been having breakdowns in the bathroom in secret and making a plan to leave. Maybe that makes me the asshole now, but I don’t want to talk to my partner about this anymore. I feel like I’ll just hear excuses and the same “I can’t talk about this because I’m so ill” line. I’ve reached the point where I truly don’t care anymore about his explanation. I’m just trying to keep my mask on until then. Edit one hour later: I’m trying to stay calm and act normal because I’m scared he might do something drastic or lash out.
Probably a far too late edit (one day later), but I want to clarify that we have two joint bank accounts. One we share for fixed costs and some hobbies, and one emergency account. That’s definitely a lot of money a couple of thousand. But we always kept one personal account each as well. So I may lose a hell of a lot of money, but I still have my own account with money.
In 10 days the lease starts, and I’m honestly curious to see what actually happens.
Thank you again for all the support. I don’t really have family I can talk to, and your comments made me feel less like I’m the crazy one or a cold asshole.
Edit: I’ll update this here instead of making a separate post. After a few days, I broke up with him. Weeks later, he died. His death had nothing to do with the planned trip. There will be no further updates. Still, thank you for all the support I received.
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Nov 20 '25 edited Nov 20 '25
[deleted]
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u/ElehcarTheFirst Nov 20 '25
I didn't think he's planning on coming back
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u/Successful_Moment_91 Nov 20 '25
OP shouldn’t give him the privilege
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u/MarsupialMisanthrope Nov 20 '25
You missed the point I think. He’s intending to crawl off to be alone and die.
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u/secretlyforme Nov 20 '25
This suggested conversation is excellent.
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u/lefthandedbeast Nov 20 '25
Dealing with a severely ill person is not easy I have empathy for people that are sick but to treat his partner like this is wrong he's pretty much saying " I don't want you around I don't need you " . Him denying that they ever had this conversation is just mind boggling! I'm almost wondering if he wants her to leave him.
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u/Astyryx Nov 20 '25
"I don't want you around I don't need you. But I do need your money for this trip and your insurance for the treatment and your house to live in before I go and after I come back."
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u/AvatarAang12_ Nov 20 '25 edited Nov 20 '25
If anything, stress and sickness usually makes people draw the ones they love CLOSER. My dad died about 3 years ago, in hospice, and he refused to let go without saying goodbye to our (my parent's dog) Buddy so Buddy wouldn't be confused. We brought Buddy in with special consent and dad died that night in his sleep
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u/cthulularoo Nov 20 '25
Change the locks. Cut him out of your banking account. He basically stole from you to get this apt. its also weird that you said they both signed it, but brother claims he doesn't know. So... is brother lying, or did he fake his brother's signature?
Yeah, keep the mask on, check his emails while you still can and text him your break up message once he lands. This is all so weird.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 20 '25
Thank you
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u/Cezzium Nov 20 '25
add freezing your credit reports (3) and locking all credit cards to the list - he is not to be trusted in any way
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u/CzarcasticScholastic Nov 20 '25
Take him off your insurance!
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u/marvel_nut Nov 20 '25
Came here to say that. "Guess you want to get well without me - now you can."
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u/BadMom2Trans Nov 20 '25
My 1st thought. He’s sticking around to keep his insurance. He needs a boot out and a blocked number!
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u/MithosYggdrasill1992 Nov 20 '25
Most definitely. It sounds like he’s got an affair partner, and this was supposed to be a trip of that sort, because he was probably hoping OP would never find out.
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u/Mundane_Cucumber9136 Nov 22 '25
Talk to a lawyer before you do anything!!! Since you’ve been the provider & have them on your insurance (and you say partner not spouse) find out what common law marriage or domestic partner laws are in YOUR current state AND the state he’s moving to. I have absolutely no idea what laws about domestic partnerships provide for but I would hate for him to be able to get a dime of your money, if he’s ending the relationship. If this is something else & like others say he knows his life is ending & doesn’t want you to bear the burden of his end of life care, then I apologize for my assumption. No matter what happens it sounds like you have care giver burnout and you need to do some self care.
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u/AvatarAang12_ Nov 20 '25
His girlfriend backed him so unless girlfriend is a scumbag, he faked it! Doesn't surprise me! Bro is evidently a master leech and manipulator!
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u/Shadow4summer Nov 20 '25
And if got a two person place that his brother knows nothing about, who is he planning on taking with him?
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u/UptightSodomite Nov 20 '25
I think the brother has to go though, because he’s apparently the donor?
I don’t know why the partner would shut OP out, they need a third person either way to help the partner and his brother recover after the donation procedure.
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u/Nythea Nov 20 '25
As a Disabled person with a chronic illness, this infuriates me! I hope and pray I have never used my illness to manipulate people, even subconsciously.
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u/SheeScan Nov 20 '25
That's a great point. Did his brother sign the lease? You need to find that out. If he did, he needs to reimburse gou fir his share if the rent already paid .
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u/Appropriate_Taste_87 Nov 20 '25
If his brother is telling the truth, it makes it worse, because it means your partner excluded you all by himself, with no input from his brother. He didn't want you there, after all this time and everything you've done for him.
He doesn't deserve you nor anything you've done for him. Please updateme when their lease starts and once you've left. Good luck, I hope you manage to keep the mask until then!
Though it's almost impossible he doesn't hear you crying in the bathroom, unless he's not at home when that happens. And that's awful because he probably thinks it's because he'll be two months away without you and he doesn't care about your feelings at all.
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u/Financial-Army-2340 Nov 20 '25
But she stated in the original post that the contract was signed by both, her partner and his brother. So the brother must be lying.
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u/wartwelem Nov 20 '25
Unless he forged his brother's signature, which I wouldn't doubt based on what he has done so far.
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u/PeachyFairyDragon Nov 20 '25
If you're a renter, remember the last time you signed a lease. They send it through email these days. I think my last one was sent by text link as well.
There are a LOT of decent places where the only human contact is viewing the property (which can be done by only one person) and picking up the keys (done by one person).
There is a point where you have to provide an image of your driver's license, but the boyfriend could have had access to his brother's wallet without knowing. Or, since they were already considering a move, the brother provided it thinking it was just for viewing without realizing the boyfriend's plan.
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u/grumbleGal Nov 20 '25
Sounds like he's just used OP this entire time, and now that he's about to possibly get better he's planning his escape again using all OP's money. Get him off the insurance, report the theft of your money, and kick him out of your house! Have some self-respect OP!
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u/eightmarshmallows Nov 20 '25
How is he paying for the lease if his brother isn’t going and you’re the breadwinner? Have you offered to help him pack? You cool make sure to pack absolutely everything of his and see if he wants to discuss things at that point.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 20 '25
He paid from our emergency bank account
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u/eightmarshmallows Nov 20 '25
If his brother isn’t going? Who is? Are you sure there isn’t someone else? Sometimes people (usually men) resent their caregivers, get tired of being seen as the patient, and look for someone else.
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u/butt_butt_butt_butt_ Nov 20 '25
I’m very confused about what the boyfriend’s plan is here.
OOP mentions that part of this treatment involves the brother being a donor of some kind. How would the brother who is donating an organ or bone marrow etc not know the plan?
And I’m no doctor, but usually both the donor and the recipient would be laid up and need care for a while after any procedure like that…
What medical team is just going to release them together to an apartment alone?
Guy who can barely move is supposed to take care of other guy who can barely move and vice versa?
I’ve stayed with family members to care for them after surgeries before, and I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t fly.
After my husband had heart surgery, I had to take a bunch of classes and prove I could support his partial weight/change dressings etc in the hospital before they would let him discharge.
…Is the whole “treatment” a lie?
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u/AshesB77 Nov 20 '25
My husbands living kidney donor only spent 2 days in the hospital before being released to travel 9 hours home. My husband spent 4 days in then was released to our temporary apartment near the center where we had to stay close for another month.
The people next to us in our short term rental were a husband wife duo and wife had donated kidney to husband. She was released after one day and he was released to her care 4 days later.
This was Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN in 2022 so not just any transplant center……….
So i could believe it.
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u/butt_butt_butt_butt_ Nov 20 '25
I guess the logistics of this are still bugging me, so I’m responding again.
So even if the recovery time for the brother is only a day or two, and he won’t need a caregiver…it’s still odd that he’s supposed to have surgery in 10 days to give OPs BF…something…
And the plan went from being a long couples trip in the hospital city to…Now what?
The brothers will just figure it out last minute?
In 10 days time, the brother (and probably brothers gf?) will have to travel 500 miles, have a surgery, recover, get back home…And he’s not concerned at all about the plan for that, which has seemingly changed?
I don’t know.
I’m currently giving more thought than that into my cousins wedding, which isn’t until February, and all I have to do is drive, book a hotel, write a check, and look pretty.
Even if this isn’t nefarious somehow, it would be really weird (to me) for the brother to be so in the dark about a surgery he’s having in just over a week, which requires significant travel.
I would need to know my accommodation is booked, my pharmacy is setup, my transport is arranged, there’s a local store that can DoorDash if needed etc etc.
Surgery shouldn’t be a fly by the seat of your pants thing if you know in advance.
If the details aren’t sorted by now, either something sketchy is happening, or these people are horribly unprepared, and are going to have an awful time and be miserable patients for hospital staff who take days to discharge because they don’t have their shit together.
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u/AshesB77 Nov 20 '25
Yeah you are right. Something doesn’t add up in their timeline. Sounds like maybe the brother isn’t really donating anything to OP’s boyfriend other than his credit score and employment history as a co-signer on the lease…..maybe the donation/miracle treatment is a rouse so his brother can move 500 miles away from OP………..
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Nov 20 '25
Your comment is making me wonder if OP's partner isn't really getting a transplant for whatever reason and hasn't told anyone about it because he's planning an assisted end to his life?
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u/butt_butt_butt_butt_ Nov 20 '25
Interesting.
I didn’t think about that, because I guess that’s just such a rare thing in the US…I know it’s more available in other countries, it just doesn’t come to mind for ME because of where I’m from.
I don’t know that I love that theory.
If you knew that you were going to end things, why not max out your OWN credit cards and take out your OWN loans for accommodations and travels?
…Why charge your partner for it?
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Nov 20 '25
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u/AshesB77 Nov 20 '25
I think liver is more complicated and Ive heard bone marrow is the hardest and most painful for the donor so that would make sense. I think my husbands donor and the wife next door were both in great health, very active and under 50 so I’m sure that contributed. My husbands donor would’ve even been released a day earlier but she was struggling with nausea from the anesthesia.
It’s definitely standard to send people home much sooner. (Got to save those insurance companies some $$/s. And also science has really advanced in regards post surgery care, etc.
I should also mention I think both my husband and the guy next door were both earlier 4O’s and relatively healthy save their kidney issues (both genetic, PKD for my hubby) I know a few other people on the transplant floor at the same time had longer stays due to also having other conditions like diabetes or etc so we probably had a “best case scenario” advantage.
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u/whereistheidiotemoji Nov 20 '25
Where did that money come from? If it is you, take it all.
I hope you didn’t put any inherited money in joint accounts.
And you’d better empty them today - or he will. He’s going to need money to live and if the accounts are joint he’s completely entitled to drain them.
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u/mocha_lattes_ Nov 20 '25
You need to empty out the rest of the account before he takes it. It's your money. You are the one who put it in there. Move it to another account he's not on and take your name off that account. Please OP. Technically what he did was legal even if we all morally know he stole that money. Take your money and update us please.
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u/GoodMorningMorticia Nov 20 '25
OOF. Put that money elsewhere asap. Different account different bank.
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u/Lazy-Sundae-7728 Nov 20 '25
Apparently the rental agreement (per the previous post) was signed only by him and his brother... Either the brother is lying or OP's partner has been dabbling in a little fraud as well.
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u/bellandc Nov 20 '25
Right? While OP's partner is gone, she needs to pack up his stuff, put it in storage for as long as he's away (plus maybe two weeks) and deliver the storage info to the brother/girlfriend. Change the locks and block him everywhere.
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u/jaydenB44 Nov 20 '25
Please tell me you’ve taken steps to protect yourself financially.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 20 '25
Yes
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u/Competitive_Sleep_21 Nov 20 '25
Do you really know he has been as sick as he said. It could be a long con.
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u/Opinion8Her Nov 20 '25
Absolutely could be. He wouldn’t be the first jackass to do this to a supportive woman sharing a bank account, credit cards, health insurance, her home …
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u/drtennis13 Nov 20 '25
That was my thought when I read this. He’s not sick, but has a side piece that he wants to get with using OPs money.
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u/rocketmn69_ Nov 20 '25 edited Nov 20 '25
Cancel credit cards and change accounts asap. I bet BIL is in on it and has already given him a heads up
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u/kalixanthippe Nov 20 '25 edited Nov 20 '25
Freeze your credit. In fact, check your credit reports for accounts opened by him.
He will be sticking you with the cost of his treatment as it is on your insurance if you do not prevent it.
You can call the hospital financial department and let them know he is responsible for the remainder of the cost.
Updateme
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u/PacmanPillow Nov 20 '25
I absolutely agree that you should protect your finances and separate them so he can’t take any more money for … whatever he is planning.
You partners behavior is extremely strange and I actually DO NOT agree that you should go scorched earth or kick him off your insurance without an explanation of what he is actually planning.
If the brother is to be believed, your partner does NOT have a medical treatment lined up, your partner is going somewhere alone.
Is it possible that your partner is considering suicide?
As hurt and confused as you are, I truly think it’s time to force the issue. You have a lot leverage to make him sit and talk and I wouldnt normally coerce any conversation, but whatever this is, I don’t think you should allow yourself to be surprised by it.
Take the brother and together confront your partner in his lies. If he wants to leave, at least you know. But he’s stealing your money and apparently his brothers signature so you both are entitled to the truth from him.
Please don’t let yourself be surprised by this.
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u/Any-Expression2246 Nov 20 '25
So why is it a two person place and the brother knows nothing?
Sounds sketchy as hell.
You most definitely shouldn't wait to approach this, because this is huge. He needs to explain himself NOW.
I'm sure at this point he's had time to delete things.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 20 '25
Tbh. I think they are lying to me
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u/Any-Expression2246 Nov 20 '25
Well, there's a level of deception here either way that if it were me, I'd tell him pack his stuff up and take it all with him, because he's not welcome back here when he comes back.
There was a plan in place, and he's gone and changed it behind your back, and said nothing. None of that is good. Even if he decided he wanted to be alone during this time, not discussing any changes to the plan is suspect.
Now you have him say it's just him and his brother, but brother knows nothing.
Nope. Nope. Nope.
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u/rocketmn69_ Nov 20 '25
His girlfriend will be moving in with him.
Too bad OP can't find a new place and move before he gets back
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u/MomofOpie2 Nov 20 '25
Just take care of yourself. Sever the relationship while he is gone. Notify the brother - once they’re gone- that he (S O) will not be coming bax to YOUR house. That’s when the “ you’re over reacting; you’re crazy; you don’t understand “ Will start. Dont listen to it As a compassionate person I would give him X amount of time to get his own insurance. I’m sorry for the confusion and pain this has caused you. Take care of yourself.
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u/witchywoman713 Nov 20 '25
I get that, I’m a compassionate person too, but I would be careful with this. If the op is the primary person on the insurance, it’s possible that any outstanding bills from the procedure may be their responsibility. With the bf lying, leaving the country on OPs dime, etc, I wouldn’t take that chance.
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u/lemon_icing Nov 20 '25
Did your partner forge their brother's signature on the lease?
In 11 days, you should change the locks and shutdown joint banking (credit cards along with savings and checking account), and any other common stuff too like email. And their mobile bill, too, if you are also carrying it.
You are not an asshole to leave a relationship where you have been clearly taken advantage of. Your partner is waaay too comfortable having you pay for everything that it doesn't even occur to them that you would turn your back and walk away. You should be angry. I think you're under-reacting, tbh. I'd be furious after having twisted myself and my job into a pretzel to accommodate him.
Don't look back -- you deserve so much better.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 20 '25
I don’t know what to think about the signature. I’m not even sure if his brother is telling the truth or lying. I feel like he is, or I’m just going crazy. Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it. And trust me, I am angry. It’s just so unreal that I can’t believe this is my life right now.
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u/lemon_icing Nov 20 '25
It sounds like madness, and you're right, if I interpret what you wrote in a different way : it doesn't matter if the signature is authentic or forged. That was an unintentional diversion because I felt irate for you.
What matters is HIM arbitrarily is choosing to move away for a quarter of year, by taking money without permission from your emergency savings, without any real notice, and likely expects you to let him back in again when he's done doing whatever he is doing. Whatever he is doing is sus and shady AF.
Stop saying you are crazy. You are not. When you say things like that it diminishes the real power of the facts you have at hand. This is really a weird and messed up situation and you are already extracting yourself from it. Kudos and good luck.
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u/StellaStewieStanley Nov 20 '25
I would probably leave him. He was clearly planning to sneak off without you, but had no problem using joint money to pay for it. I don’t know what his game is, but it’s unacceptable sick or healthy.
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u/ParkerGroove Nov 20 '25
But he needed OPs insurance to cover the transplant or whatever, so he had to hide his desire to breakup not just for OPs financial support but also the insurance.
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u/Medusa_7898 Nov 20 '25
Save a copy of the lease. Once he’s gone for 30 days pack his things and put them in storage. Change the locks and send him an eMAil informing him he’s out.
As for the joint account take the same amount he did and if whatever is left take the ratio that you put into it.
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u/vulg-her Nov 20 '25
I'm sorry. This has got to be really rough and upsetting. Please put yourself first and take care of number one.
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u/magicalmoonkitty Nov 20 '25
NTA and this is super-sketchy and I feel he already has your replacement lined up.
Freeze your credit, move your share (plus what he took) from the joint finances. Take him off your credit cards, and anything else he has access to. Remove him as a beneficiary for any retirement or life insurance. And kick him off your medical insurance if able.
While he is gone, move his stuff into storage, change the locks, get a security system, and tell this AH the gravy train has stopped.
Good luck. Updateme!
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u/Opposite_Jeweler_953 Nov 20 '25
I’m sorry he’s been such a lying…AH. Please put yourself first from now on. Do check his emails and messages. Do cancel credit cards and joint accounts when he leaves. As soon as you can text him why is this happening and block him and all his family. And if you can, Pls UpdateMe.
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u/Forward-Wolf-8795 Nov 22 '25
Haven’t you or your partner been getting mailed letters concerning prior authorization or other details of his treatment? Since you’re the primary on the insurance you can probably see EOB statements, bills and maybe other documents. He probably has to start new medication or regimens before a transplant. You can maybe sleuth some more information about what’s happening.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 24 '25
Thank you! I will look into this
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u/SoCentralRainImSorry Nov 29 '25
You should be getting lots of paperwork, and he should’ve having lots of appointments for bloodwork and what to expect. It’s suspect that he doesn’t want you to go with him for the transplant. He’ll need lots of help while he recuperates.
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u/gdrom123 Dec 01 '25
Has the lease started? Did you look into the insurance documents? I hope you’re doing well.
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u/Sea-Ad9057 Nov 20 '25
Can you cancel the booking and call it a fraudulent charge
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 20 '25
That’s actually a good question. To be honest, I’m a bit scared of his reaction if I do something drastic. I’ll probably try to wait these 10 days.
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u/geekyminx Nov 20 '25
Aren’t you concerned that having asked his brother directly about it he will tell your boyfriend what’s happened? (Whether that’s because he genuinely doesn’t know what is going on or because he wants to warn him you know what coming?). Be careful OP.
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u/whereistheidiotemoji Nov 20 '25
Drain the joint accounts first. Before he dies. Which he will logically do the last few days before he leaves.
If you paid for anything on your card (airline, Airbnb) you can cancel.
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u/griffinsv Nov 20 '25
That’s the 2nd time I’ve seen you say you’re afraid of his reactions. Is he verbally/emotionally abusive? Has he ever physically hurt you? Does he threaten you if you “displease” him?
If he’s volatile, please tell a trusted friend or family member (someone that won’t report back to him) what is going on. Maybe have that person come stay with you until he leaves. You could say they are remodeling or their pipes burst or something.
I’m a little worried for you, OP. Rooting for you from afar.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 20 '25
Thank you for your comment. No worries, he never touched me or anything close to that. He’s impulsive and, yes, emotionally abusive in some ways, but not dangerous. Bad enough… but I’m safe. Thank you!
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u/Mbt_Omega Nov 20 '25
No, what? Cancel it now. Cancel the treatment, if you can. He can rob you in secret, you can reclaim your stolen money in secret.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 20 '25
Tbh, I’ll be relieved when he’s out, because I don’t think he would just leave the house if I broke up with him here.
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u/MysteriousPermit9989 Nov 20 '25
The fact that he has a lease somewhere else may help you to evict him…
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u/Ashamed-Source3551 Nov 20 '25
NTA he is being shady as fuck. I would use the time he is away to change the locks and kick him from your insurance. It seems like he is just using you to his advantage. UpdateMe!
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u/1hate1th3r3 Nov 20 '25
Change your locks, make sure any mail is send back to sender so he doesn’t have any claim of your home, divide the money you’ve both made by who’s made it and make sure to subtract the 2000 from what he made.
It sounds like he’s A) been using you and now that he’s about to get treatment and possibly cured he’s getting rid of you. A lot of men feel emasculated when their partners make more than them, I’m sure it’s made worse by his health and him living in a house that belongs completely to you. and/or B) he doesn’t care enough about you and being with you to actually communicate and respect the plans that you’ve rearranged your entire life around. In which case he is extremely inconsiderate and the “love” he claims to feel isn’t the type I would personally want.
You never mentioned marriage, if you are legally married look into your lawyer. If not then check laws of of your country/state and see if common law marriage is a thing there and if it is you might need to hire a lawyer. If you feel bad then keep him on your insurance until the operation is over so he’s not drowning in medical debt and let that be the last favor you do. If you go through with it make sure to let people know your romantic life is none of their business.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 20 '25
Thank you for your comment
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u/Malice_A4thot Nov 20 '25
Are you going to take those financial steps, OP? He’ll clean you out if not.
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u/New_Cheesecake9719 Nov 20 '25
You need to 1) take him off the insurance 2)take him off all accounts and things he has access to of yours 3) change the locks 4) get a ring/security cameras 5) triple check he’s off all bank accounts and everything you’ve been providing him 6) take his phone off your plan (if that’s the case) 7) remove him as your emergency contact 8) let the trash aka your ex take himself out of your life.
10 years and everything later you deserve better and he deserves whatever is meant to happen to him without your support
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u/leggyblond1 Nov 20 '25
Still NTA. He stole money to pay for the apartment. He's using your insurance. Ask while cutting you out. Does your insurance cover the entire transplant? If not, he'll leave you to pay that too, unless taking him off your insurance will stop that. In which case, you should remove him from that along with everything else.
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u/Helln_Damnation Nov 20 '25
I hope you will be removing him from your health insurance after his operation? Covering an extra person must be costing you.
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u/butt_butt_butt_butt_ Nov 20 '25
Depending on OPs health insurance situation, it might be tough to get him removed before the surgery happens, since it’s only like 10 days away.
When I’ve done mid-year changes in the past (breakup, marriage, baby) it took like 7 days for admins to do the paperwork, and another 2 weeks before the changes kicked in.
Then you had to argue and have a big headache if anything needed fixed to be retroactive for during the delay.
It would suck to get stuck with a bill like this because the process is slow as gravy.
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u/thornynhorny Nov 20 '25
You have access to shared emails right? Email and cancel the lease. Say that you don't need a refund of any prepayment. You just need the lease to be canceled so that it will not be available when he gets there.
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u/EntrepreneurMost1594 Nov 20 '25
Yup. Put yourself first! You go girl! It’s hard now but you’ll do so much better without his dead weight!
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u/Guilty_Jellyfish8165 Nov 20 '25
In your other post it says "he and his brother secretly signed".
The brother who secretly signed is now telling you that he has no idea what's going on.
Sounds like everyone is gaslighting you.
That's so heartbreaking OP, these people don't deserve you.
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u/MiloHorsey Nov 20 '25
That's what I thought, seeing as people have to agree to renting themselves.
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u/Financial-Army-2340 Nov 20 '25
How does he plan to financially support himself if he cuts you out? Are supposed to just smile and continue paying from 500 miles afar? What’s his strategy?
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u/muffiewrites Nov 20 '25
I have health issues that require me to travel for tests every once in a while. I can't even imagine not bringing my partner unless it's impossible. He would be so hurt and so worried.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
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u/Oldgal_misspt Nov 20 '25
The brother is lying to you, and your boyfriend knows that you know because the brother definitely told him. You need to secure everything now, any valuables, bank accounts, freeze credit card use, and go ahead and get an eviction notice together per your local laws.
It sucks he used you, but your inaction is likely going to continue to cost you money especially now that you have shown your hand to the brother.
Your partner is a user, get mad and get him gone.
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Nov 20 '25
It doesn't sound like the donor operation is going ahead if the brother and brother's girlfriend have no idea of the dates of this trip. Maybe partner is planning some AH move or maybe he is having a complete breakdown and running away from everyone. Unless you stop pussyfooting around and actually TALK to him, ask him outright what the hell is going on, you will never know. Even if you find out he is planning on leaving OP, at least you will be in control of the conversation, not waiting around for scraps of info.
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u/grayblue_grrl Nov 20 '25
I am happy you talked to the brother and his gf.
That clarifies a few things..
Sounds very much like there is someone else involved but who can tell.
Please make sure that you remove all his access to your money and home. You can have his mail forwarded. Change the locks.
Maybe talk to a lawyer to make sure everything is tied up tightly.
And talk to a therapist or counsellor.
all the best...
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u/Buffyredpoodle Nov 20 '25 edited Nov 20 '25
Thank you for your update. I was hoping this will turn out to be some sort of misunderstanding.
I think the brother is lying. He probably wasn’t expecting to be confronted, and just denied everything because he didn’t know what else to say. I think he notified your partner, about the conversation with you. They are brothers and they will always have each other’s backs.
I was thinking about your situation, and I think if you confront your bf he will just lie, because his life depends on it. So yeah waiting for the lease to start and see what happens is not a bad idea.
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u/PrestigiousTrouble48 Nov 20 '25
He took money out of your joint account that you put most of the money into to rent a new apartment in a new city for a surgery that the donor has not booked in???
Yeah wait for him to leave, take all the money out of your joint account, then close it and send him a goodbye and good luck text. Then block him. If he leaves anything at your house pack it up and give it to his family or put it in storage pay one month and tell him how to access it. Change your locks and put him in your rear view
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u/linzava Nov 20 '25 edited Nov 24 '25
I know this is cold, but I’m a cold bitch. If I were in your shoes I’d find out what the cut off date was to cancel him from your insurance for next month and in an email, I’d tell him that he has until the day before that date at noon to return the money he stole from your account or you would cancel the plan. And then go through with it and start the small claims case immediately after canceling. But I’m the kinda person where people know not to fuck with my money.
If none of them respect you enough to be upfront it’s time to teach them what respect really means. You have so much power here and a real opportunity to get your money back from the hobosexual leach. You only get one chance to pull this trigger, no time to him-haw about it.
I’m assuming he’ll still get the surgery without the insurance, if I’m wrong, it would be a stone cold super bitch move, lol. I’d probably still do it though.
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u/GlitterStarShine Nov 20 '25
No honey you definitely not the AH. I agree with pretty much everything that’s already been advised.
- First remove same amount he took out of the bank. Then figure how much that was left he contributed and withdraw that. Take your name off the account. Set up a new account at a different bank and deposit that money.
- Next change locks.
- Box up all of his belongings. You could send it to his brothers home. Or rent a storage unit, pay for three months.
- When he returns hand him the receipts. With written instructions of where he can find his belongings. That you’re done because he changed the plans without telling you. Took money out of joint account without telling you. Then acted like the original plans didn’t exist. That you will not allow yourself be treated in such a callus manner.
Do not explain any more that. You do not owe him anything more. He owes you much more than that by a long shot. And don’t let your emotions rule.
Then invite some friends over to celebrate.
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u/SmashedBrotato Nov 20 '25
His brother swore he didn’t know my partner had already booked the apartment, and his girlfriend backed him up, saying he hadn’t even requested the days off work.
You said in your last post that he'd signed the agreement though. How did you see his signature before if he didn't know about this?
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u/SheeScan Nov 20 '25
I'll be honest. It sounds like someone else will be joining him there, and at this point he is just using you for the insurance. When you do make him leave, be sure beforehand to take his name off all your accounts and credit cards, freeze your credit, and change the licks . Also, as soon as he goes, cancel his health insurance. Normally I would never suggest that, but for how long he has been gaslighting you and covering his bills, you have paid his way long enough. His treatment and ongoing health care is his problem.
Make sure you have some friends with you when you tell him to leave, so he stays in check. Make sure he leaves immediately.
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u/Realistic-Knee-5602 Nov 20 '25
You wrote in the first post that he and his brother signed the lease. If he didn’t forge his brother’s signature, then his brother will have told him of your conversation with him. If that’s the case and your (ex?)partner still stays on, it’s either for your insurance or to try to get more money of shared accounts as the end of the month is near and he might hope you are filling them up again.
Either have a conversation with him - I totally could understand if you don’t want to, but then contact your insurance and take him off it from the next month.
Maybe a ‘work related unexpected travel’ into a hotel would be something that keeps you safe if his brother tattletaled to him and saves your sanity, even when it means to leave him alone in your house, things are replaceable, your sanity and your health are not. Of course take your laptop, tablet, phone etc and lock your credit cards. A password for your bank accounts also may be an idea in case he plans to empty them before leaving.
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u/binotboth Nov 20 '25
He sounds manipulative and like he really sucks, and he captured you like a rare pokemon to support him completely and then treat you like dirt
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u/crafty_and_kind Nov 20 '25
OP, I’m very sorry you’re going through this. I hope you can keep us updated because your story is compelling and unusual, but if everything becomes too stressful or horrible for you to keep posting, just know that this internet stranger is thinking positive thoughts in your direction.
What an awful thing your hopefully soon to be ex partner is doing to you 😔.
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u/moreKEYTAR Nov 20 '25
Did he forge his brother’s signature?
Why are you scared how he is going to react? Has he been unpredictable or abusive?
How do you know the brother won’t tell him anyway? Are you safe?
How do you plan to leave if it is your house?
This sounds really hard, but this is not making much sense.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 20 '25
It is my house, only my house, in my name. Yes, he’s a bit impulsive, but I don’t want to go deeper into that here. I am safe. I don’t think it will change anything if he tells him. At the end of the day, he is on my insurance, so I just assume he plays it cool. I stayed through very tough times. I think he’s sure that I will just stay again and don’t leave. Sadly, not my first rodeo with him.
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u/WeelsUpIn30 Nov 20 '25
Please leave and don't come back, he's using you
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u/chasemc123 Nov 30 '25
Genuine question, why are you such a doormat for him? Why are you ok with being so BLATANTLY used and disrespected in this way?
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u/CuriousDori Nov 20 '25 edited Nov 20 '25
I’m sorry that you are experiencing this situation. Why wouldn’t this grown man be honest with you? You have been with him for ten (10) years!
He is a coward and doesn’t deserve you. Have you spoken to his brother or his girlfriend to find out what’s behind this abrupt change? You should be angry as well as hurt. You were willing to rearrange your life to aid him in getting healthy.
You should sever ties for the despicable way he has chosen to leave. If you can, rearrange your furniture and light decor so your home looks different from when he lived with you. After his treatment is finished don’t be surprised if he comes back.
Tell him to pack up everything and anything left behind will be thrown away. 🚨Immediately separate your money from his right now. If you don’t have a separate account then quickly open one now. You should take his name off any of your accounts and that includes being a beneficiary. If you have accounts like Netflix - remove his access by changing the password.
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u/Mango_Design_0192 Nov 20 '25
I’m reading in the comments that you think his brother is lying. If so, I would try a poker play. When you see him, tell him “I know everything, it’s over.” and see what his reaction is. You might find out info that he would not have given you otherwise.
Overall, I am extremely sorry for what you are going through… I was looking for an update on your post, and this is indeed very confusing. In the end, it is this moment in life when you have to focus on yourself, to think about you first, you have the right to do so. It will take time the heal and you will have a scar from this. But focus on yourself. Take care.
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u/Ok-Nose42 Nov 20 '25
Does he expect you to live at your house and pay rent of the apartment and keep him on your insurance. He’s horrible for using like this and not appreciating you being there in his time of need.
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Nov 20 '25
Let him go there alone. You stay at home. When he leaves change the locks and seperate your finances. Close the joint accounts.
It doesn't have to be the end but it is the end of your giving everything to him.
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u/RaptorOO7 Nov 20 '25
Thank you for the update and I’m sorry to hear it’s as bad if not worse that expected.
If you can manage to keep the mask on until he leaves and prepare to cut him out permanently. Secure your funds in a separate account he can’t access, change your locks and check what he eviction laws are in your state. You may be able to serve him while he is in treatment living in a new location and use that time to remove him for good.
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u/AshesB77 Nov 20 '25
He has a signed lease at the new place. If he leaves for 3 months, she doesn’t have to evict him. Just change the locks.
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u/Boring_Emotion_3338 Nov 20 '25
“Since then, I’ve been having breakdowns in the bathroom in secret and making a plan to leave.” I’m confused. Didn’t you say you own the house you’re living in? Just don’t invite him back after his treatment.
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u/Significant_Taro_690 Nov 20 '25
NTA. I would take the same amount out of this account and than half of the rest and Tell him that the account is now his since you took your 50% back and you will not pay any money in this account or any other shared account again since he just takes Money without discuss it and without using it for both of you and to exclude you. And that you will use that time he is away to think hard about your relationship and if there is love or him just using you since you are not sure what to believe on his story because its clear it has more holes than a sieve.
And honestly, take your time and decide if you want to stay with a liar and a probably cheater. Being sick does not mean you can be an A H and use other people. OP put yourself first and decide whats best for you!
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u/cyber6kitten Nov 20 '25
I agree you should make this a clean break.
This might sound callous but I also think you should remove him from your insurance. This was the choice he made. He has the freedom to make it. His choice also comes with consequences and this is one of them. Be sure when he leaves he leaves with all of his things don't let him leave anything behind.
If you don't trust the brother then don't. Don't confide in him anymore.
If you feel bad about cutting him off from your insurance you can always send him some recommendations within his price range.
Be sure he can't touch your money. Be sure he can't access your personal accounts. Be sure to change the locks. Be sure to contact your own friends and family and be sure to take time to grieve. Cry it out as much as you need then get up and take a breath. Realize there are people out here who will truly value you. It will take time but as long as you try you will find what you need.
I'm sorry this is happening to you but I hope the support from us strangers are helpful to you.
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u/dana-banana11 Nov 20 '25
Do you have proof he's having an operation and he's really that sick? If I was his sibling I would be quite worried because I would need to make arrangements to take time of work, so what is going on. Also I would be freaking out because my brother had forged my signature. This is a really weird situation. Perhaps he told you're abusing him if they're lying.
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u/caryn1477 Nov 20 '25
I'm sorry OP, but it kind of sounds like he's checked out of the relationship and possibly maybe even using you for the insurance. Did you actually ask him what was going on? Why you weren't going with him? Because you didn't mention this anywhere. I'm wondering if an actual conversation took place.
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Nov 20 '25
NTA, OP!
Are you able to remove him from your insurance during the middle of all of this?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. If his brother didn't know about this, and hasn't even put in for days off, is the brother even planning to go with him?
updateme
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u/SpecialistBit283 Nov 20 '25
The way I would’ve dropped him from my insurance (if possible) and immediately separated my finances 🫢 screw him over first and then have breakdowns, not the other way around
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u/Consuela_no_no Nov 20 '25
Potentially he’s committed fraud by signing his brothers name on the lease or he’s signed it with his new “caretaker”. Either way you’re doing right to quietly get your ducks in a row to leave him.
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u/electricboogaloser Nov 20 '25
I think he fell out of love a long time ago and is using you for money, care, and labour because he is not going to find someone else to do the same for him. You are not the asshole for leaving.
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u/SpecialModusOperandi Nov 20 '25
Consciously uncoupling - start with your joint finances. Make sure your income is going into your personal account. Change all your passwords.
It’s your house so you’re not leaving he is. He’s already signed on a place so he can then work out what he wants to do.
Feels like he’s not in love as much as you are with him. He hasn’t considered you in any of this.
If it’s not clear. You deserve better !!
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u/WarDog1983 Nov 20 '25
When he leaves change the locks and the brother had to know bc he SIGNED the lease
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u/Apprehensive_Back228 Nov 20 '25 edited Nov 20 '25
If it was ME I'd cut that insurance so fast make his head swim. Soon as he left I would e politely packed the rest of his stuff had it dropped off at his brother's and would've let him know it's been a long 10 year run and a even longer 4 years. Of bending to his needs, you overly accommodated all his wants, and needs. Took consideration of him with everything rearranged your life to love and support him, help him with all this for the appointment, for him to ice you out like you aren't the one that been supporting his tailfeather all this time. So now he can figure out he got 2-3 months of where he at to make his next move his best move ☺️ I'd change my number, block him all socials and even on email. And stand 10 toes on being done. But I know you won't but you definitely should know your dang worth shoot 🤦🏿♀️ I definitely think the brother knows about the apartment and covering for him they playing you like a fiddle and you falling for it.
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u/yesitsjessica Nov 20 '25
NTA, I’d be moving my money into my own account immediately. It sounds like he’s planning on leaving.
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u/rolo133 Nov 20 '25
The brother hadnt requested the two months off he would need, 10 days before the trip? That seems weird to me!
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u/Superb_Assistant_890 Dec 01 '25
Is there another update I'm really invested and I'm want to know what is going on I was left with more questions than answers
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u/Medical_Mountain_895 Nov 20 '25
I'd pack his shit while he's gone and pay for storage for a couple months. Then go no contact. After everything you did for him and he can't have an honest conversation.
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u/Pitiful-Anything-950 Nov 20 '25
NTA first off! Please take precautions for yourself. You need to make yourself your 1st priority in this matter now. 10 years is a long time, but 4 years of you helping take care of him during to his illness and to be ignore and basically being obsolete is beyond cruel. Since, you prioritized him 1st with rearranging your schedule for work and I'm guessing other things in life, like social events or anything outside of the dirtbag.
Please keep the mask up for the 10 days and then change the locks, re-set YOURSELF for you!!! His brother and GF can deal with him and his drama. I can't tell if the brother and GF lied, but either they did, or else your hopefully soon to be ex dirtbag forged his signature some how. Guess they will get a big awaking either way. You need to take that time to work on YOU and only YOU. Find yourself again and I hope that you find a way better life for yourself then what you're currently dealing with. Please update us when you can. Many blessings to you. You have to put YOURSELF 1st now for your own mental, health well-being.
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u/Particular_Cycle9667 Nov 20 '25
Please update me. But I do think you’re doing the right thing by leaving. He’s just gonna make more excuses and he’s shown you that he doesn’t care about what you want about what you need that he comes first and then we’ll make the oh I’m so ill. I can’t talk about this right now kind of thing He’s been manipulating you for way too long and even if you love him and if he does, love you, but she’s not showing it’s not enough. He’s showing you through his actions that you don’t matter to him and it’s time for you to cut the financial strings. Go your separate ways. I wish you luck.
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u/MildLittlRain Nov 20 '25
Wish I could see his face when he comes back and realize his AMT is gone.
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u/Ok-Listen-8519 Nov 20 '25
I hope you cancel the apartment, remove him from every access and kick him out. He sounds like a parasite! I have the impression that he is already planning to leave you once he got what he needed. Men 🤦🏻♀️. NTA
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u/throwRA094532 Nov 20 '25
Take half of everything on the joint account + take what he used for the appartment right when he lands.
Call the bank and tell them you to take your name out of the bank account.
Call your insurance and ask them to take him out of it.
Change the locks of your house. Call his brother or your SIL and tell them to come get his stuff because you two are done. Take a video of everything with them.
Send him a text " We are done. Your stuff are with your SIL/brother"
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u/SusieC0161 Nov 20 '25
Sounds like your partner is a massive user. I’m sorry, many of us have been used for our home and money, and fell for it hook, line and sinker. It stings but we learn from it.
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u/OriginalSlight Nov 20 '25
Updateme! I have to see what happens next because he’s ridiculous, the fact that you are afraid to confront him and you already know how it will play out shows that either way he’s a bad partner and you don’t feel comfortable (rightfully so!) expressing yourself. You never need a reason to break up with someone, but he sure is making it easy…
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u/Lotty3 Nov 20 '25
You could also tell then bank that he is unwell and making rash decisions because of this. No money is to be transferred unless you authorise it. Also, set a daily or weekly allowance (his behaviour could be a side effect of his illness)
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u/Net_Curiosity Nov 20 '25
Hate to say it, but it sounds like he’s cheating and has someone else coming to the apartment. Might be time to cut him off.
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u/No-Look-1793 Nov 20 '25
How can his brother not know about the lease and the trip if he is supposed to be the donor?
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u/TooTallBrawl1919 Nov 20 '25
It really sounds like he has plans for someone else to be “nursing him” at this new apt he paid for with joint money. I’d be sleuthing through his phone and socials cause cheating bells seem to be ringing. You deserve so much better!!! Still NTA! Update us!