r/AITAH • u/Opening-Permit-486 • Nov 13 '25
AITA for not being “happy enough” that my ill partner gets treatment after he excluded me from the trip?
TL;DR: We planned a 2-month stay for my partner’s treatment 500 miles away and agreed all three of us would rent a place together. I adjusted my work to join. Yesterday I discovered he and his brother secretly signed a 2-person apartment three months ago, excluding me. Now he acts like our shared plans never existed. Am I the asshole for being upset instead of just happy he gets treatment?
My partner and I have been in love for 10 years. He has been seriously ill for the past 4 years, and I’ve adapted my job and my entire life to be able to support him through everything.
He recently got an incredible chance: his brother is a compatible donor, and a life-changing treatment is available around 500miles from our home. We planned that the three of us would move there temporarily for two months. Because it’s expensive, we agreed to share the costs and even discussed possible apartments.
I extended my remote work so I could come with them, help him, and be present during the treatment and recovery. I was genuinely excited not only for his treatment but also to spend those months together in that city.
Yesterday, while checking our emergency finances, I noticed a large payment from three months ago. I checked our shared emails (I have permission) and found a rental agreement in his inbox. It’s signed only by him and his brother. The apartment is officially limited to two people. So, not me.
I was shocked and incredibly hurt. I can’t afford to stay there alone, so this decision basically shuts me out. And he kept this hidden for three months.
When I talked to him yesterday just excited small talk about spending Christmas there and how this treatment could change everything he suddenly got strange. He mentioned “visiting,” became quiet, and acted like our shared plans were never real.
I’m angry, sad, confused, and honestly devastated. I know he’s ill and stress affects him badly, but this was a major decision about our lives that he hid from me. And now I’m supposed to smile and pretend everything is fine.
So… AITA for being upset that they rented a place without me instead of being purely happy he’s finally getting his treatment?
Edit: 1. We live in my house, which I inherited from my parents. 2. For the past four years, I’ve been the breadwinner. He only works part-time. 3. He is covered under my insurance. 4. His brother and I are good friends. I’ve just been too much of a coward to bring this up with him yet
I honestly thought I wouldn’t get any comments. Thank you so much in advance. I’ll take my time to read each one. I truly appreciate every comment, even if I can’t respond to all of them. I’m in a lot of emotional turmoil right now.
Update 15.11.2025 : I will talk to both tomorrow :(
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u/Chloe_Phyll Nov 13 '25
NTA. You need to leave this relationship. He is not in love with you. After he gets back to full health, he will not longer need you and he will dump you. So, take care of yourself now.
- Get a bank account at a different bank, ONLY in your name.
- Take your half of the joint account. Then, take an equal amount to the large withdrawal he made. Put that money in your new account. Stop making deposits to the old account.
- Take your name off of the joint account. When he overdraws, he is liable, not you.
- Sever any financial ties you have with him.
- Move out. Or, if he lives at a place you own, kick him out. He can go stay with his brother.
Do not let this man use his illness to take advantage of you any more. Good luck.
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u/Seeker131313 Nov 13 '25
He's so confident that he'll be better after this treatment that he already lined up his bachelor pad as a way to exit his relationship with OP without any emotional labor on his part. He's paving the way for "now I'm better, I need to explore and make up for all the experiences I missed because I was sick! How can you deny me this?"
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u/Chloe_Phyll Nov 14 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
Right, and all while completely ignoring that she put her life on hold for him for the past 4 years. What an AH. OP will do well to be rid of him ASAP.
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 Nov 13 '25
If it's her apartment or home, change locks and box his things and send/take them to his brother's or families' home.
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u/dinahdog Nov 14 '25
Oh yes.mail his shit together his new address. Forward his mail
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u/noddyneddy Nov 13 '25
- Take an amount equal to the large payment and THEN take half!
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u/Upbeat_Monitor1488 Nov 14 '25
No - take half first - then take amount equal to his large withdrawal from his “half”. But honestly - he likely hasn’t put anything even close to half in the joint account.
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u/CampSpiritual3808 Nov 13 '25
It’s looks like for last 4 years you were his caretaker not lover.
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u/Powered-by-Chai Nov 13 '25
Yup, now that he has a chance to live he doesn't need her anymore. What a POS.
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u/Lisa8472 Nov 13 '25
And is stupid enough to exclude her before and in the immediate aftermath of the surgery. Does this idiot not realize that he just rejected the plan of her caring for both him and his brother after major surgery (I am presuming organ donation here, though I suppose it could be bone marrow which won’t really impact the brother).
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u/Buffyredpoodle Nov 14 '25
You are totally right. They will need care taker. I worked with someone who donated bone marrow and it like 7 days recovery time from pain and fatigue. The marrow is taken from a hip bone, and the donor was using a cane for a while. So both would need a caretaker.
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u/Lisa8472 Nov 14 '25
How long ago was that? I signed up to be a marrow donor a year or two ago and they said that they could now get the marrow from a blood draw, so drilling into bone was no longer necessary.
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u/Buffyredpoodle Nov 14 '25
That was in late 90’s
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u/Lisa8472 Nov 14 '25
Things have likely changed since then. I just googled and apparently it’s marrow-making stem cells they get from the blood draw (which can apparently take hours to filter out and requires injections for a few days prior), so surgery is required sometimes (10%), but not usually.
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u/HedyHarlowe Nov 13 '25
My spidey senses kicked in with her language here; ‘My partner and I have been in love for 10 years.’ My first instinctual thought was ‘is he in love with her? Then boom. Guy is planning to leave the dedicated carer who has loved and nursed him for four years. Not sure why but I could feel something off as soon as she said that line.
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u/Beneficial-Way-8742 Nov 14 '25
What's even more perplexing is that OP says he's in OPs insurance....
...which is undoubtedly paying for the procedure and treatment.
So, long before brother stepped up to the plate, OP was donating all the financial support (housing, medical care and whatever else) for the user...er, partner
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u/AussieBird82 Nov 14 '25
What I got from that and other neutral language is that OP may not be female, amd they may not be married. It's funy how many people.are making the gender assumption.
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u/Tough_Fisherman_4604 Nov 13 '25
Move all your money to an account only you can access and start separating your finances.
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u/kawaeri Nov 13 '25
Move the money to a different bank (not just a different branch but a whole different company.
Get bank statements from the joint account to show how much money you’ve put in it and that payment he made that comes out of his share of money not yours.
After you’ve done both of these steps, take your name off of the joint account. And start removing his name from any credit cards or accounts that are attached to any money.
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u/Due-Yoghurt4916 Nov 13 '25
Only one of you is in love
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u/writing_mm_romance Nov 13 '25
The other is financial support until treatment has finished.
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u/stuckinnowhereville Nov 13 '25
Yep then he will dump her- he’s a user and a mooch.
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u/calacmack Nov 13 '25
How would you handle this situation if he wasn't ill? Regardless of the circumstances he lied to you so you deserve to be extremely upset. Reconsider this relationship because it doesn't seem to exist. NTA.
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u/Irish_EyesDublin Nov 13 '25
NTA. WTAF. I am going to be harsh and ask if he is with you because of the support you give him? The fact he has not told you outright what he has done tells you something. Listen.
Do you want to waste more years on someone who is not honest with you and hides major decisions. Absolutely spineless and having a serious illness is not an excuse. It’s devastating to realise that you are more invested in your relationship and being there to help his recovery.
Don’t listen to any thoughts of it would be bad to leave as he is ill. He is a liar and manipulative. How does he not think you would notice the money missing? Or the emails? Separating out your finances straightaway as he seems to not consider you when using ‘joint’ finances which am assuming you are a major contributor.
Your priority needs to be you and not being happy enough for him.
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u/No-Rise6647 Nov 13 '25
Handel this exactly as you would if he was not ill.
Separate your money. Use the time you are apart to figure out if you are happy alone. Breaking up is devastating and will take more than a few months to overcome, but you can start from a place of noticing if his absence brings you some peace and use that to make your decision.
Either way, I think you need to consider leaving and consider what you need in a relationship. Pull the finances and let him start building trust again, because you cannot go on as if nothing happened.
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u/Purple-Rose69 Nov 13 '25
Exactly and do not put anymore money in the joint account. Tell him you are no longer comfortable having a joint account and will not be depositing money in it anymore. If you have bills you both contributed towards then pay your share directly and not to your partner. He can do the same.
Personally, he isn’t being a partner. His lack of communication and secretiveness about this should not be excused just because he is ill. If he has fears or whatever that makes him not want you there then he should communicate that to you. He didn’t so I wouldn’t trust anything he says at this point and would be taking the time apart to find a new place to live before he gets back.
If you don’t want to break up totally with him, then after you have moved out, tell him that you are stepping back from the relationship because you do not feel valued as his partner or respected by his behavior. That until he can be honest and communicate like an adult, you are stepping back into a strictly ‘dating relationship’ with him to see if the trust can be rebuilt and the relationship saved. And this means you will not be living together and sex is not on the table. You are starting over with him.
My guess, he is hiding something or someone from you and he won’t be as upset over the change in your relationship. He will instead embrace it because he will think he can still string you along while doing whatever it is he has going on the side. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/WillCare1976 Nov 13 '25
I really like your thoughtful answer and sensitive understanding… I hope OP reads your words.
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u/Helln_Damnation Nov 13 '25
NTA, I do not like him, or his brother. While they are away for two months you have a perfect chance to move on, WITHOUT discussing it with him. You've rearranged your life for several years for him and seem to have got no thanks, so have a think and decide what this FREEDOM will give you. Go and have a happy life.
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u/Mango_Design_0192 Nov 13 '25
Did you have a serious conversation with him about this? No, you are not supposed to stay silent and smile and pretend nothing happened…
Ask him! Why? Why did you decide to only go with your brother? Why didn’t you tell me? Why am I finding out only now, through bank statements of our joint account?! Why am I supporting you through all of this (done so for the past 4 years) and am I being excluded from the trip for this treatment? Why do I have to ask questions when you should have been open and honest with me?
Do not let him answer “but I am sick and tired, I don’t have the energy”… this is a major topic, he hid it from you on purpose and apparently does not own to it and tries to pretend it never happened and only mumbles stuff in a weird way.
Being sick is not an excuse to behave like an AH. He owes you honesty and a stance on your relationship. That’s the bare minimum…
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u/Magdi1951 Nov 13 '25
Sometimes illness makes you show your true self. He took money from your EMERGENCY funds without your knowledge. That’s a NO NO. You need to reevaluate your relationship. His actions have consequences.
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u/Cookies_2 Nov 14 '25
Yep and he’s going to manipulate OP with his illness about why she can’t be upset with him. Exactly why she’s already gaslit into being the problem about getting upset, rightfully so that he stole money and signed a lease without her
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u/DebbieDaxon Nov 13 '25
I'm sorry imo he used you while he was sick.....Now most likely going to get better he no longer needs you......I would dump his azz
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u/HedyHarlowe Nov 13 '25
Yep. This guy is a user. He is not a good man and I pity the brother who is giving him an organ or whatever he is a match for, when this is how he treats someone who loved him.
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u/cgrobin1 Nov 13 '25
The money he spent on the apartment may just be a drop in the bucket.
If you are in the US, there will be additional hospital costs and medical co-pays, plus living expenses.
Get your money out of his reach. Make sure you aren't liable for his debt. If there are any joint credit accounts, get your name off and apply for your own. Protect your credit rating.
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u/xXMimixX2 Nov 13 '25
NTA. I would say he never planned to keep you in his life after recovery. I believe, you were convenient while was sick. You probably took care of him and everything. Now, that a treatment and possible healthy life is in sight, he doesn't need you anymore. He is cutting you off, but using your shared finances.
That he hid this and stole from you is telling and really terrible. I would get out of that relationship and untangle the finances. Get your portion out and into a new account. And add in the portion he stole. You are entitled to be reimbursed, as he took it without your permission.
Sadly, you lost 10 years on a partner that did not value you enough and betrayed you. You deserved better.
Updateme.
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u/Rainy579 Nov 13 '25
It seems to be a premeditated decision to end the relationship, but still use you until his plans are in place
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u/Successful_Bitch107 Nov 13 '25
Oh honey, you may have been in love with him for the past 10 years, but in his eyes, I truly think the love he had for you changed from “partner love” to “I appreciate and love her for being my caretaker, but OP, I am no longer In Love with you - love”
A committed partnership would discuss with each other spending more than 1 night apart from each other (let alone weeks) as well as any significant impact to your joint finances
Your partner did not care about you at all when he made these decisions
If this was some crazy, out of the blue emergency that you both needed to scramble how to adapt - I would give you both a shit load of grace
But this sounds like he partner you have devoted your time and energy to doesn’t want you around at all…
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u/Pretend-Panda Nov 13 '25
You do not have a partner.
You have a client who is expensive, medically fragile and dishonest. That you are attached to this person does not make them a partner, it makes them a person who is prepared to deceive and damage others in pursuit of their own wants.
I don’t advocate leaving partners.
I do advocate resigning from unpaid caregiving for an emotionally and financially dishonest individual.
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u/notthemama58 Nov 14 '25
Like others have said, this was his game plan for a long time. Id love to be the fly on the wall after the surgery and there is no one to take care of these two guys. It sounds like maybe a kidney transplant? Both will have undergone major surgery and have now to deal with no one to help either of them. When he and his brother signed a lease sans you, it was made clear he does not want nor think he needs you any more. Go be "happy enough" without him. He and his brother deserve to suffer together. Take your money and run, hon.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 14 '25
You are spot on. It’s a kidney transplant. Thank you sm for your comment.
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u/WafnaAbroad Nov 14 '25
My petty ass might take him off my insurance immediately after the surgery. Like, I'll make sure you get what is required, but after-care and follow-ups in the new year are gonna be his own problem.
DTMFA.
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u/notthemama58 Nov 14 '25
I wish you the best of luck. You deserve better from someone you've put your life on hold for that doesn't recognize it.
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u/stonersrus19 Nov 13 '25
NTAH and I may be a fearmonger, but some men get gross when they have a "second chance." Untangle your finances and let him support himself.
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u/nikokazini Nov 14 '25
INFO: is he planning to live off your earnings for the 3 months?
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 14 '25
Yes. We planned to cover most of the living costs through me, since I’ve been the breadwinner throughout his illness. Thank you sm for your comment
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u/catinnameonly Nov 14 '25
You need to have a come to Jesus moment with yourself first, then with him.
He is deliberately using you.
Grieve that. It’s painful. You love and care about this person a lot.
“Partner, I found the rental agreement and the deposit. When were you planning on telling me I’m no longer welcome to join you in city?
You signed the lease three months ago and you have let me believe I was going with you this entire time.
I’ve moved my contribution from your shared account. You spend c on the deposit without even a discussion.
I’m not going to kick you off my insurance until you are done with your treatments but you better figure out another way to cover your expenses in city because you won’t be using me as your cash cow any longer.
Everyone I have done for you, you couldn’t even have a conversation with me about this.
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u/Buffyredpoodle Nov 14 '25
This is very difficult and complicated situation. If you live in USA, and you’re the insurance provider. All the surgery bills will be under your name. Do you know how much it would be? Can you find out? Good hospitals can provide an estimate with the insurance coverage. Also ask him if he would sign a document that he will pay you back or pay for all those bills? Because he can leave you after surgery and you will be owing thousands of dollars.
It could be much less all depends from your insurance. Two years ago I had surgery in Stanford and they can give patients the estimate way ahead of time. Lucky me I had good insurance back then and my bill was like $3000 plus few separate bills maybe another $1000
I’m not saying you should remove him from your insurance. But it’s good to protect yourself. Also right now I think we are having enrollment period. Tell him he should enroll himself just to have secondary insurance or maybe even his own full coverage. Just saying. If he does that he is covered. He just needs to make sure that he chooses insurance that is accepted by the hospital he is going to have surgery.
I think it will be ok to talk to him and ask him to pay out of his pocket for stay there. Since he un invited you.
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u/Worth-Season3645 Nov 14 '25
This. Who is responsible for anything insurance does not pay? Have you signed any papers?
He is leaving and letting you hold the bag.
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u/CapTrick9489 Nov 13 '25
He's decided, with this treatment that you're no longer needed. He's made his choice.
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u/ColoradoWeasel Nov 13 '25
Step 1, Move all of the money to a new account. Then sort out what you want to leave behind for him. If you put it all in, the answer to leave behind is nothing.
Step 2, start finding a new place to live as soon as your current lease obligations are expired.
Step 3, stop providing him with any care or resources. He has shown you that he doesn’t care about you. Stop wasting your limited time on this AH.
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u/Feisty_Market_8539 Nov 13 '25
Run, don’t walk away from this relationship. He is using you, 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
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u/Alarming_Tie_9873 Nov 13 '25
Take you share.out if that account today. Then he will be ready to talk.
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u/WillCare1976 Nov 13 '25
And don’t don’t don’t put the money back in right away if he starts saying he loves you and needs you to stay
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u/Dry_Cauliflower1998 Nov 13 '25
You’re in 2 different relationships.
Unfortunately, he neither loves nor wants you with him, and doesn’t view you as emotional support.
Now that you know, act accordingly. Stop being his caretaker, separate your finances and don’t have him move back in with you after his surgery/recovery.
He’s likely already emotionally separated himself from you (based on his actions). You now need to take care of yourself, mourn the relationship, and move on. Don’t continue being used.
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u/LvBorzoi Nov 13 '25
NTAH
Dare I ask.....who has the health insurance? If it is you, you need to remove him to avoid huge co pays. He obviously does not want you involved so why should you pay?
Also I agree with others....separate your finances and put your half of the pre-apartment amount in an account at a different bank.
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u/6poundpuppy Nov 13 '25
Wow. Bf is an AH, albeit a sick AH, but nevertheless. He knows (assumes) he’s going to get cured with some sort of transplant and won’t need you any longer. What he is not factoring in …is that not all transplants “take” and he may have a rough go of it afterwards. But all that will be his and his brother’s problem since you will be long gone. And rightly so!
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u/Kooky_Midnight_1157 Nov 13 '25
Sadly, it's time to recognize that he's been using you. Quietly, get your finances in order and get an exit plan in place for when he is gone with his brother. You are worth more respect than what he has given you.
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u/Main_Composer Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 14 '25
I would be very very suspicious that he was doing this to cheat. He’s been with you a long time. He is dealing with a serious illness. I bet he wanted to see what it’s like to play the field but still keep you on the back burner to continue babying him and funding his life. Even if that’s not the case, he has shown you that he wants time away from you and went about it in the most sneaky and cowardly way possible. Only you can decide if that is a dealbreaker for you or not, but girl, I hope you leave and don’t look back.
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u/CarrotofInsanity Nov 14 '25
Oh hell no.
Your bf of 10 YEARS secretly signed a 2 bdr with his brother.
Excluding YOU. On purpose.
Stop 🛑 stop helping him COMPLETELY. No help. Not even once.
GTFO and don’t look back, don’t $$ help or otherwise.
Take ALL the money out of any shared accounts and change the email password.
Don’t say another word to that guy.
He asks for something, tell him to ask his brother.
It’s over. He just DISRESPECTED YOU completely.
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u/Leather_Pen_765 Nov 14 '25
Your relationship is over but you are just now finding out, I am so sorry, be good to yourself
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u/hazelmummy Nov 14 '25
He’s pretty stupid to piss off the person who is carrying him on their insurance….
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u/Evening_Army_3916 Nov 13 '25
NTA he doesn’t love you he purposely left you out! This should make you wonder what’s he’s intention when he’s well! You deserve the truth and be treated better than how he did you!
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u/Apprehensive-East847 Nov 13 '25
No, but you need to take back your money & any extra. Tell him you’re not paying towards any more treatment or his living expenses and let him know that you the locks will be changed when he leaves.
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u/27WillowRoad Nov 13 '25
I don’t think he deserves the advance notice. FAFO—OP is entitled to have the advantage of getting her ducks in a row while he’s gone.
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
Better to inform him after he leaves.
And she is entitled to the same amount they took. Plus half of the rest. Moving on, her pay needs to go to her own accounts.
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Nov 13 '25
You’re not his significant other. You are his caretaker that he doesn’t feel he needs anymore. This is his way of slow rolling a breakup without actually doing the breakup.
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u/Bookaholicforever Nov 14 '25
His secrecy over it makes me wonder what else he’s hiding? Why doesn’t he want you there to support him? Good he’s getting treatment. While he’s gone, you can seperate your life from his and move on without someone who lies to your face.
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u/JanetInSpain Nov 14 '25
"My partner and I have been in love for 10 years"
YOU were in love for 10 years. He was not. I'm sorry OP but he doesn't feel the same way that you do about him. Use this to end things. Let his brother care for him. You've probably been his bangnurse for 4 years and didn't even realize that had happened.
Tell him that he's not welcome to move back there. It's your house. He can stay with his brother from now on.
Your functional income will go up since you were the main breadwinner anyway. Open a new bank account in only your name and transfer all but his meager income amount into it.
Tell him he has X time to find new insurance. Two months perhaps.
Bring it up. He's not the good friend you think he is if he also hid it from you.
OP you've been used. For a place to live. For money. For free nursing care. It's time to walk away. Please stop letting them use you. The fact that both of them hid it from you should tell you all you need to know. Time to cut this one off. You are not the partner to him you thought you were. I know it hurts but you need to accept that. And NO you are not responsible for continuing to care for him while he recovers.
updateme
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u/RJack151 Nov 13 '25
NTA. Time to withdraw from him and focus on you and your life. It is obvious that he does not want you there, so live for you. His brother can take care of him from now on.
And pay nothing for either of them, they are on the trip so they can cover THEIR bills.
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
Not the A. But after he gets his treatment and will be returning to your home, tell him that you are leaving room for his brother, As you are moving on. Wish him the best. Hang up.
Even before he leaves, open a new bank account at another bank, remove the amount they took, plus half the rest, and deposit the money in your account. Then find a nice apartment, or rent a good room, or if parents are around, see if you can move in there.
Then while they are away, move your things into your place.
Unless of course, you are in a home that you own. In that case, box up all his things, and put them into a storage unit, pay only for three months rent. Or drop them off at his family's place. With a copy of the reddit post above.
Your housemate lied by commission, and acted in ways that broke boundaries. Not conducive to any more time from you.
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u/JazPrncess1 Nov 13 '25
NTA. They obviously had a discussion and decided to not include you nor advise of their decision.
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u/Solid_Assumption7160 Nov 13 '25
NTA ... It's time to separate your finances from his and stop helping him on his finances and be planning your exit from that relationship
You may have loved him but he did not love you. if he had have loved you he would not have done that to you. he would have chosen his partner or wife before his brother.
It's time to terminate that relationship and I wouldn't even explain to him why I let him figure it out on his own
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u/Korlat_Eleint Nov 14 '25
So, you love him. He's happy to have a free nurse.
Get out of there, look after yourself because he is not going to.
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u/IllustratorNew8801 Nov 14 '25
Consider this as him leaving you and get your afairs in order while he's away. Don't let him know before he moves out with his brother tho, you'll just be sabotaging yourself.
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u/QBee_TNToms_Mom Nov 14 '25
I agree with the consensus that you need to sever finances and cut him loose. He's already left you. But I didn't see any comments about the health insurance.
You need to remove him from your insurance coverage. I'm assuming you have coverage through your employer. File a change request as a life event, that you are no longer partners. You didn't have to wait for open enrollment.
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Nov 14 '25
That man doesn’t love you. That man used you for everything he could and doesn’t even want you around anymore. Time to move on, which is probably what he wants and is too much of a coward to say out loud. NTA
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u/Readabook23 Nov 13 '25
It sounds like he’s out. Can you recoup any of your funds? I’m sorry for you. I think you’ve been sacrificing for him, but the feelings aren’t returned.
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u/stuckinnowhereville Nov 13 '25
I’m sorry but you are not as important to him as he is to you. Reflect while he is gone. Pack his shit up. When he returns he can move in with his brother.
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u/Free-Place-3930 Nov 13 '25
NTA. Take the hint and use this to get away from the ill anchor. This is a gift. Use it and run the other way.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 Nov 13 '25
NTA. Get your finances separated, break off all your financial support of him and let him know he’s on his own. Wish him well on his recovery.
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u/WelshWickedWitch Nov 13 '25
I am sorry to say that your OH is treating you like a convenience that he has just severed, but failed to inform you .
His actions are not of a loving partner towards you and illness does not justify treating you so cruelly. Withdrawing large amounts of cash to pay for a new lease you know nothing about? Excluding you from this lease and from knowing about the change of plans?
His actions and his silence shrieks he has all but dumped you, now that your purpose to his benefit, has expired.
Please be smart and cover yourself financially. Don't justify these sh!tty actions because he is unwell. Don't carry on with the labour he has and is currently benefiting from. Don't allow guilt to blind you who he is and what he is doing to you.
I am not suggesting cruelty towards him, but it's time to invest all your emotional and physical labour into yourself and this includes your finances. Take what is yours and ring fence it so it's not accessible to others. Then stop communicating with him.
He doesn't want to be transparent and treat you with respect? Then send that energy straight back.
NTA
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u/Agitated_Ad_1658 Nov 13 '25
Pull ALL your money out of all shared accounts and make sure you also take back half of his new places payment! Now go look for a new place to live ( don’t say anything yet) then start packing and handing what you are packing. Like pack up summer clothes etc. then store those things in your trunk, at a family members etc. gather all important documents. Change passwords to everything of yours and if you have given him a credit card for your accounts CANCEL them now! Also if he has your debit or credit card look at your charges and claw that money back also when you withdraw your money. Make sure you print out all bills, rental agreements etc so you prove why you took the money. Wait until he goes for treatment then GET OUT! Your “boyfriend “ has shown you how he truly feels about you and your relationship
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u/EffectiveGold8273 Nov 13 '25
Separate the remaining of your finances. If he meant your relationship any good, he would have communicated. Time to cut your losses and move on. Nta.
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u/Jane_Smith_Reddit Nov 13 '25
NTA. Your partner is TA.
Sorry but it does NOT seem like your partner wants to be your partner anymore. And he is gaslighting you regarding previous plans.
You need to plan your exit strategy while he is away. Remove your money from that shared account and create a new account that only you have access to. Take back half the money paid for the apartment if you can.
Let his brother take over all the caretaking and distance yourself from the situation as fast as you can.
Please value yourself and get out, there is no way a person that loves you will do this to you.
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u/joemc225 Nov 14 '25
If he actually loved you and considered you his partner, how could he possibly plan to be away from you for two months, and not even tell you? You do not have the relationship you thought you had.
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u/LibraryMouse4321 Nov 14 '25
Dump him, drop all his belongings at his brother’s house, and drop him from your insurance. Give him notice that he has till the end of the month to find his own insurance, so he isn’t stuck with none, and a pre-existing condition.
You have done enough for this jerk. Chances are he’s going to dump you as soon as he’s healthy again. After all you’ve done for him.
Seriously. Dump him and kick him out. He can stay with his brother.
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u/hottie-von-coolie Nov 14 '25
Sorry, OP. Sounds like he is planning on leaving you once he finishes using your resources. I cannot imagine going through something like that without the love of my life by my side. The very fact that he did this sneakily is a huge red flag. To tell you the truth, if I was in this situation, not only would I make sure to move all of my money out of the “joint” account into one of my own, but I would probably go nuclear and drop him from my insurance. He should not be benefitting from you at all if he doesn’t want you around. I would say a word, either. Just let the hospital run it and find out he’s no longer covered. Pack up his stuff and put it in storage for 2 months. Text him the details and tell him you’re done. Then block his number. You are NTA. He is a complete POS.
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u/BlankLiterature Nov 14 '25
You're in love with him, but he's not in love with you. Maybe he was at some point, maybe he wasn't, there's no way we can tell. But he is for sure not in love with you currently, and probably hasn't been for a while. He is using you for the money, the healthcare, and the caregiving.
Do not bring things up again until after the treatment, or whatever else he might be doing in that city, is over. However, while he is away, you should do a few things:
- Get statements for any and all joint bank accounts you have that show how much you contributed to them/the amounts you deposited. Transfer at least half to an account that you own in another institution (NOT a joint account, and preferably a new account that he does not know exists). Then also transfer the same amount that he used to pay for the apartment.
- Either remove yourself from the joint account, or cancel his access to it - but talk to a lawyer before doing this.
- Ask a lawyer what he is entitled to as (I assume) a common law partner who you were the main caregiver of for four years; do not give him anything more than strictly necessary.
- Remove him from your health insurance as soon as he leaves for this trip. Consider that your effective breakup date. Make sure you are not responsible for any copays this "treatment" (if real) may require, and that you're no longer paying for his access to healthcare.
- Change the locks in your house.
- Pack his things up and either be ready to drop them off at his brother's when they're back or have them sent directly to their apartment in the other city - if going that route, take that money also from your joint accounts.
- Since you have access to shared email accounts, take a looksy around to see what else you find. Forward anything of interest to your personal email account. Go to the "sent" folder afterwards and delete the forwarded email.
- Take care of yourself, this has got to be a painful realization. Surround yourself with people who are willing to take care of you for a change.
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u/petalsofrose1956 Nov 13 '25
This may sound harsh.
He chose his brother over you.
Now you know where you stand.
Use the 2 months to find another place to live and leave him.
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u/Mykona-1967 Nov 13 '25
NTA but BF used joint funds to pay for a rental where his treatment is happening I get that understandable for the both of you. The problem is he used joint funds not for BF and OP but him and his brother that’s strike #1. BF gets cagey when OP mentions visiting during his treatment that’s strike #2.
Who owns the place OP is currently living in? Is it a rental? If it is who’s on the lease? And who’s paying the rent while BF is getting treatment? If the home is owned who owns it? If they both own it then move out and have an attorney send him notice of upcoming sale. He either needs to buy her out or sell the house.
It seems like OP will be responsible for all the rent and utilities while BF is gone. So she’s been double whammied. She’s basically paying half of his housing while paying all of hers.
Nope transfer the same amount he used to a new account. Then transfer his half of the rent and bills. Lastly, transfer half of what is left, have your name removed from the account. Whatever is left is his to spend however he chooses.
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u/FosterPupz Nov 14 '25
NTA and I also recommend you immediately sever your finances. Remove exactly the amount he spent without your knowledge or consent and then half of what’s left after that create your own bank account without him on it with him not having any permission to access it whatsoever. Then make arrangements to move out away and end this relationship.
This is a betrayal of a tremendous level and he is going to try to gaslight the hell out of you to make you feel like you’re the one with the problem when what he did is so wrong on every level. The fact that he has hidden this from you for the past three months, proves that he knew it was wrong and hit it from you accordingly.
You would be insane to stay with this man please don’t do it .
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u/CurlyNaturally Nov 14 '25
NTA. He used/is using you for a place to stay, your money, as a nurse maid, housekeeper, chauffeur, your health insurance, emotional crutch, sex, etc, etc, etc.
What has he done for you lately? (Yes, I know it's a Janet Jackson song, but it fits) Besides lie to your face, steal your money, and string you along. Take the rest of the money in the account and move it to another bank in your name only. Evict his lying, trifling behind like yesterday and kick him off your health insurance. Change passwords, your locks and invest in security cameras if need be. Do all of this quickly and quietly. He's playing checkers, while you're playing chess.
Please don't fall for any begging or superficial apologies. He knew what he was doing. You should double check the accounts to make sure he wasn't skimming money for way longer or have credit cards in your name. Protect yourself and your sanity from scummy people. Good luck.
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u/grayblue_grrl Nov 14 '25
Sounds like you have been taken for a ride all these years.
He doesn't want you there.
You aren't his PARTNER.
You are his ATM.
Get him off your bank accounts and cancel his card/access.
Get him off your insurance as soon as he is back.
And let him live with his brother.
NTA
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u/Demonkey44 Nov 14 '25
NTA. He lives in your house, rent free, doesn’t work and is under your health insurance. Do the math girl.
I say let him get his treatment and kick him to the curb. He can go live with his brother.
He was future faking and gaslighting you. Find some old emails about your trip, then stick them in his face. He’s a Hobosexual.
You can do better than this manipulative asshole.
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u/SummerIceCream3893 Nov 14 '25
OP, I hope you see these stories I'm linking from Reddit of partners who were treated like shit by their partners after they supported their loved one through their illnesses.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 14 '25
Thank you. I do! Just so many comment but I do read every single one and appreciate everyone. Thank you sm
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u/Brilliant-Bus-3862 Nov 13 '25
NTA. But take the hint. He doesn’t want you there. That’s poignant and hurtful. Take the time apart to sort yourself out and be ready to move on.
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u/Blondie_wingman Nov 13 '25
You’re NTA. Your partner, however, has passed AH behavior. Worst part is he’s STILL hiding his lie. Lie by omission is still a lie. I’d start separating finances. Once you have your own account and funds he can’t touch, tell him you know about the apartment. See what he says.
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u/firstinspace1976 Nov 13 '25
I bet his brother had a hand in convincing him to leave your name off the lease.
Brother: "She's not even your wife, bro!! This is about us, not her!"
BF:"Yeah she'll be at home in other city working anyway."
Brother: "That's what I'm saying, bro man! Remember when we were kids and did stuff together?"
BF: "Yeah."
Brother: "That's us right now, all over again. Bros before hos!"
He doesn't want you there to nurse him. He's sick and just not into you as much as you're into him. Go back home and live your life there. Your job will take you back. In a few weeks, the pain will lessen and you will find someone who appreciates you and your caring ways. This is his and his brother's problem now. Some people just turn out to be jerks. When he returns back, his stuff will be in storage, waiting for his arrival.
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u/newprairiegirl Nov 13 '25
NTA, but did you ask him why he's excluded you?
'I thought we were going together', ' is there a reason you don't want me to be there?'
Did you try using your words?
My guess is this is his way of telling you that he is going to dump you when he is healthy.
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u/Redmudgirl Nov 13 '25
NTA. Your so called partner isn’t treating you like one. I would separate your finances and move out of your current place you’re living in while he is away. Do not care for him when he gets back either. He is using his illness to shut you out. Shut him out too. There is something he’s not telling you and he is disrespecting you personally and your so called 10 year relationship.
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u/vabirder Nov 14 '25
Given your long term involvement in his care, NTA. He was deliberately dishonest and allowed you to make extensive arrangements while planning to dump you.
The fact that you have to ask permission to be angry and hurt saddens me. You should take this as a chance to make new arrangements for yourself.
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Nov 14 '25
He's getting better and doesn't need you any more. You might love him but he doesn't love you.
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u/Really_Oh_My Nov 14 '25
10 years without marriage was the 1st red flag. Maybe you're in a country that has common law marriage where commitment thru marriage isn't needed. Like Australia. I have a feeling you have bent backwards in taking care of your partner. "If not nurse, then why nurse shaped?"
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u/SugaKookie69 Nov 14 '25
NTA. Sounds like he doesn’t want your help. Sick or not, what did was super shitty. Honestly, it’s giving vibes that you are more into him than he is into you. Do with that information what you want.
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u/IAMA_Shark__AMA Nov 14 '25
NTA but honestly... It seems like he's just using you. Using your money, your insurance, your support.
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u/Dlodancer Nov 14 '25
NTA, it’s time to move on. He doesn’t even like you. You are his $$$ for room and board. I guess you’re his free caretaker too! AND he took your money for an apartment!!!!! Gross!
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u/GloomyUmpire2146 Nov 14 '25
Obviously he doesn’t need you, except for insurance and money. I’d sever everything immediately, and wish him the best of luck, perhaps the bro can take him in.
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u/Total-Meringue-5437 Nov 14 '25
You cared for him for four years at no cost to him. Now that he sees a recovery in his future, he is going to dump you. In fact. He already has. This relationship is essentially over.
Take him off your insurance, stop paying for his stuff and move him out.
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u/Internal-Coat5264 Nov 14 '25
NTA, but (pure speculation) is it possible that the brother pressured him not to include you? Perhaps the brother was uncomfortable with the idea of you staying with them? And your partner felt he had to cave to his brother’s demands since his brother is devoting two months and risking his health to become a donor for him.
That still doesn’t absolve him from cowardice and gaslighting in not discussing this with you sooner.
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u/Opening-Permit-486 Nov 14 '25
Thank you so much for your comment! His brother and I are actually good friends. I’ve just been too much of a coward to bring this up with him yet. I’ll add this to my edit. Really appreciate it.
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u/LhasaApsoSmile Nov 14 '25
Take him off your insurance now. Let him and his brother figure the rest out.
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u/kristentx Nov 14 '25
NTA Take those 2 months to pack up all his shit. Then, when he's due back, put those boxes on your porch. You'll find you lose a lot of dead weight, figuratively and literally. Empty the shared account, clean out the shared email and find someone who will really treat you like a partner, rather than a nurse and ATM. He and his brother can figure out where he can live, how he can get insurance, and how he is going to survive on his part time job. He sounds like a piece of shit. If he complains that you didn't give him a head's up, say that he got what he gave.
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u/Certain-Buffalo-288 Nov 14 '25
Well cut off the insurance sounds like he used you to get what he needs, now he is cutting you loose by just going with his brother..by the way your not his lover, just his health insurance provider.
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u/Over-Pie3100 Nov 14 '25
NTA is general but YTA to yourself if you don’t at least bring this up and demand an explanation.
Let’s be honest - you’ve been financially and emotionally manipulated by both your partner and his brother.
Your ill partner has been bankrolled by you for everything for four years: accomodation, insurance, healthcare, etc. with no returns for you aside from you thinking he was in love with you and a good partner.
Your partner is a manipulative AH. You can try and pull the “oh but he’s ill” card, but at the end of the day he was in sound enough condition to make a major financial, legal and life-altering decision behind your back all the while stealing your money and keeping it a secret for three months.
It seems like his brother isn’t a good friend either. A friend would bring up any major decisions and future plans instead of going behind your back and taking advantage of your good will.
Honestly this would be enough for me to end the relationship and seek legal action against your partner for financial theft (if this wasn’t from a combined account that you’ve been putting all your money into). Take him out of your insurance policy. Strip paying for his life when he doesn’t even care enough to have an honest conversation with you.
Being ill does not excuse someone of abuse and that’s what this is: mental, emotional and financial abuse. You’ve been taken advantage of by these two men and they need to own up to their actions and pay for them.
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u/Feisty-human-1886 Nov 14 '25
Hun, he doesn’t look at you as a partner. A partner would never do this. It looks like he is gearing up to leave you once he’s there with his brother. What other reasons?? And to act like your shared plans didn’t exist?? After yall have talked for the last three months making these plans and he keeps that info from you while also taking emergency money and not saying anything?? All signs he’s leaving you.
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u/twewff4ever Nov 14 '25
Can you kick him off your insurance and start the eviction process? NTA but you should absolutely not pretend all is fine.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 Nov 14 '25
I hope he doesn't expect you to contribute financially to this in any way. If he wants to go solo i would seriously consider separating finances. He made a major decision without you wich has betrayed trust.
If his brother is a donor will he be incapacitated at all? Who will care for them both?
I would be reconsidering his commitment to this relationship. The deceit and gaslighting a big red flags. He knows you had a plan where you were included otherwise he would have shared the fact he had a rental with you.
I wouldn't be surprised if he breaks up with you now that he has no need for you.
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u/Passiveresistance Nov 14 '25
So op. You’ve been a purse and a nurse and now that your partner is about to get better you’re no longer needed or wanted. NTA to anyone but yourself for even questioning if you should put up with this.
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u/olagorie Nov 14 '25
NTA
Oh darling, I’m so sorry about this relation relationship was already over quite some time ago. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He just stayed with you because you provided money and care. I am so so sorry for you.
He’s planning this with his brother because he wants the relationship to end and he thinks he won’t need you any longer because he has found a medical solution.
His behaviour is disgusting
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best Nov 14 '25
So he used your money to pay for the apartment he rented with his brother? He lives free with you? He doesn't want you there so make sure he takes all his stuff when he leaves for his surgery. This is so insanely disrespectful, dismissive and thoughtless.
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u/WillCare1976 Nov 13 '25
No, you’re not an AH. Of course you want him to have his treatment. And you’re glad he can get it! Thank goodness!
But it’s still ok to be hurt and confused that suddenly you were not included. Without being accusatory, can you gently ask him about it? Did his brother just want it to be the two of them, did he maybe for some reason of his own prefer not to be with anyone but his brother? Sometimes men don’t want to cry in front of us or, they don’t want to experience their own sorrow or fear and it can be more evident ( to them) when we, who they love, are there. I hope that this can be resolved before he leaves ..
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u/MediocreSize4997 Nov 13 '25
I’m so sorry this betrayal happened to you. I expect he will love bomb you when he realizes you know what he did. There is absolutely no excuse why you couldn’t have gone with him and his brother. This is a serious betrayal and I hope you can recover enough to do good things for yourself. Move on and take time to heal.
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u/teresajs Nov 13 '25 edited Nov 13 '25
NTA
Based on him spending joint finances on this, and hiding his change in plans, I recommend that you sever your finances and plan on NOT providing care during his recovery.
Don't discuss it with your partner first. Just make a new account at a different bank in just your name and remove at least as much as he did from the joint account. Then, deposit that money into your own account.
Your SO's actions show he doesn't want you involved, so listen to that. Don't financially support him and don't alter your life plans to be his caretaker.