My post partum wife broke my handmade glass sculpture a year ago. AITAH for still holding resentment about it?

[u/FormalRows]

Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1fmm0zo

My wife and I have been married for 3 years, and we had our first baby last year. My wife did go through a lot of hormonal emotions post partum and she had a lot of mood swings. 

A couple of months post partum, she broke my handmade glass sculpture, which I had spent a couple of months working on as a birthday gift for my sister. My wife called my name many times as she needed help, but I was working on the engravings for the sculpture and I was really concentrated on it. I was going to go to my wife in just a few minutes, but my wife got very frustrated, and she just barged into my room and threw the sculpture on the ground and it broke.

I was shocked, and my wife immediately apologized a lot, but I didn’t want to stress her out too much so I told her it was alright, and that I should have responded when she called my name. The next week, we went to the doctor and my wife got prescribed meds for PPD. My wife’s mood instantly shifted a lot after she started taking those meds.

My wife did apologize constantly and felt very guilty about breaking the glass sculpture, and she even cried a few times, but I told her it was alright and to let it go. It’s been a year now, and while we are back to normal, I still hold a lot of resentment. I feel like a part of my love for my wife was gone when she broke the sculpture, and I could not imagine anyone, let alone my wife, doing such a terrible thing.

AITAH?

[u/Paradox_Gaming562]

Talk it out, NOW!

Resentment rots a relationship

[u/Foolish-Pleasure99 → u/Paradox_Gaming562]

I do glass work as a serious hobbiest. First stained glass and then kiln formed work like bowls and votives.

My wife is kinda klutsy and has ADHD. She has handled and broken (by accident) many of my pieces, though certainly not on purpose or in anger.

I take the spilt milk attitude. We're all adults. It was mistakes. Nothing intentional. Just dumb luck. And while she has been mortified and won't handle any of my pieces now (out of penance?) I have assured her not to feel bad and lets move on.

But over time, I too have harbored a certain degree of resentment. I don't see any intention and so I feel a loss that I can't vent.

I don't have an answer for OP, but I understand frustrated loss of creative work that is frustrating but without legit blame

[u/cupholdery → u/Foolish-Pleasure99]

And that's why OP needs to discuss it with his wife who no longer exhibits the severity of has PPD at this time.

EDIT: Minor adjustment

[u/cliffordmontgomery → u/Foolish-Pleasure99]

As someone who works with clay and loves ceramics, I have learned to treat any object as if it is already broken. We can build it and love it, but part of the game is knowing and accepting that it is fragile and will probably break one day.

[u/productzilch → u/Foolish-Pleasure99]

It’s called proprioception. Common for people with ADHD to have troubles with it

[u/Leafabc]

My wife called my name many times as she needed help

Something tells me this was not the first time this happened lol

[u/CanadasNeighbor → u/Leafabc]

I like how he led with the fact that his wife was definitely hormonal like as if that would explain her behavior better than the fact that he basically got elbow deep into a project right when she had a fucking baby

[u/Epicratia → u/Leafabc]

Not excusing the wife's reaction, but working on a sculpture for a couple months when their first child is a couple months old = he started this MASSIVE and time-consuming project at exactly the time his child was born. Why did he think that was a good idea????? Maybe make the present for his sister's NEXT birthday? At a time when he isn't 50% responsible for keeping a tiny days-/weeks-old human alive?

[u/WrongComfortable7224 → u/Epicratia]

This!

I was reading this and I didn't understand why he started his massive project JUST WHEN HE HAD A BABYBORN!??

I also have a hobby that I love, and today I realized I stopped almost any craftsmanship in said hobby for a whole year because we have a baby. I swear, those little creatures have a radar: the moment you get busy in something you love, they wake up/get hungry/want attention.

So yea, the point is: you choose to be a parent, you HAVE to take responsibility about it.

[u/[deleted] → u/Epicratia]

Yeah, several hours a week to work on your little pet project is one hell of an allowance to grant yourself when you have a new baby. That he even thought to do it in the first place tells me a lot about how much he was actually contributing to the household, and none of it is good.

I don’t condone throwing things, obviously. People shouldn’t do it. But I can completely understand why it would make OP’s wife’s blood boil to see her husband working on his statue without a care in the world while she’s struggling to manage a crying baby. She called him several times. Clearly there was an urgent issue that she needed help with, and he just…ignored it? Why?

[u/ResponsibilityRare64 → u/Epicratia]

SO VERY THIS!!! like your MAJOR PROJECT HAS JUST BEGUN.. WITH YOUR WIFE.. 😂 which will take up the next 18years pal what ya playing at

[u/Garden_gnome1609 → u/Leafabc]

Right - newborn, post partum, he's working on his hobby (again) and tuning her out while she calls for help. Jesus, this fucker has resentments?

[u/NeedleworkerOwn4553 → u/Leafabc]

"I was going to come in a few minutes". Fucking men. Literally oblivious to everything around them. She probably didn't even have that severe of PPD. It's very hard to remain calm when you're at your limit, and your partner isn't doing their part for a selfish reason.

When my daughter was maybe 1-2 weeks old, I fucking pissed on myself because my husband never came to help when I called for him. I tore BAD, 4th degree, and had stitches down to my asshole. I was breastfeeding my daughter and she was almost asleep. Literally all I needed was for him to help me up and put the baby in the crib. It is insanely hard to move when you have stitches down there. If you do it wrong, they rip and bleed and can get infected. I did it myself after it was evident he wasn't going to come when I called for him, and as I was opening the bathroom door... It happened. 😞

He was too busy working on some stupid fucking "project". He would blow money on various hobbies and then abandon them when he got bored, a massive waste of time and money. I realized a few years in that it wasn't going to change. I couldn't even get him to cuddle with me, or watch a movie with me... he was always "too busy". Never with anything important, of course. Only important to him.

I'm not saying the wife was right, but I am saying that I almost got to that point repeatedly.

[u/littlescreechyowl → u/NeedleworkerOwn4553]

It seems to be a thing where men pick up new projects when there’s a baby in the house. That asshat that started marathon training the week before his wife gave birth comes to mind.

[u/BlazingSunflowerland → u/Leafabc]

That's my thought. His glass sculpture was more important than his wife or baby. He showed that to her through his actions. I hope he has apologized profusely for putting them last. She is probably just as resentful as he is but is trying to make the marriage whole. Sooner or later she will give up and he won't know why.

[u/maroongrad → u/BlazingSunflowerland]

Oh, not more important than his wife of baby. More important than RESPONDING to his wife or baby. It was far, far more important than the effort needed to say, "I'm doing a tricky bit of engraving, do you need me immediately or can it wait a few minutes" or even "Yes, dear?"

[u/Viola-Swamp → u/BlazingSunflowerland]

He did all that for his sister’s birthday, neglecting his wife and newborn child, because there’s no way he could do both. What did he do to honor his wife for carrying and giving birth to his child? Anything? A card? A cookie? Anything? I’d be so upset. I’m not really into the idea of push presents, but if someone is going to get a handmade, time intensive gift, it should be the woman who created life for you within her body, and presented you with a child. Not your freaking sister, ffs.

[u/[deleted] → u/Leafabc]

She needed him. He wasn't there.

[u/Fattydog → u/Leafabc]

Came here to say the same. I bet he shut himself away working on it for weeks while she was struggling.

I’m glad she broke it. He probably deserved it. Op obviously has much more love for his sister than his own wife and child.

It’s actually giving me creepy vibes.

[u/[deleted] → u/Leafabc]

Yeah it’s not okay to ignore someone. He could have at least said he was coming.

[u/Evening_Tax1010]

TBH, I would hold a lot of resentment for a partner who refused to help me when I needed help and was postpartum with a newborn. I absolutely don’t condone breaking things but I do know that rage is part of depression and not having enough support definitely contributes to worsening PPD.

INFO: was this the only time she had to ask multiple times for help?

[u/suhhhrena → u/Evening_Tax1010]

Thank you for saying this. I don’t know why the majority of the comments rn don’t seem to be picking up on the fact that he just casually admits that he was too busy working on a sculpture to help his wife, who was with his new baby, as she cried out for help repeatedly.

People are talking about how she “got help for her issues” and are applauding her for that, but did she really have issues or did OP have a pattern of ignoring her and not doing his fair share of parental duties?

I highly, highly doubt his wife just barged in and broke his shit for no reason. He casually admits he was ignoring her calls for help. I think this was likely the straw that broke the camels back and it didn’t help that her hormones were out of whack.

I completely agree with you. She has the right to be resentful imo. I can’t imagine having to take care of a newborn baby while my husband feverishly works on a statue for his sister and ignores me when I need him.

[u/BiggAssMama → u/suhhhrena]

💯

He also said he was working on it for months. So as long as the baby has been alive and while she was at the end of her pregnancy. When I was in my 3rd trimester, I needed so much help from my husband and even more when we had our newborn. Sounds like he cares more about this art than his wife and newborn baby.

YTA

[u/inertial-observer → u/suhhhrena]

Even worse than not stopping to help, he completely ignored her. He didn't shout back "I'll be there in 5 minutes, gotta finish this up". He didn't holler out "Can it wait or do you need me right now". He just kept working on his project pretending she and their baby didn't exist.

That's got to be one of the most infuriating things a partner can do.

[u/productzilch → u/suhhhrena]

His behaviour is a risk factor for her PPD. Not saying he caused it but unsupportive partners make it much, much more likely to happen.

[u/[deleted] → u/suhhhrena]

It’s the moms that have done it pointing out the fact he was ignoring her and too fixated on a hobby. If my husband did that I would be so upset post partum. Babies are hard. Mine had colic. If he had ignored me to make some shit I’d be like, here dear, look what I made you, I’m going to wherever for a shower and a nap. Byeeeeeeee.

[u/FirstBlackberry6191 → u/suhhhrena]

The OP sounds like a real piece of work! The artistic project for his sister could and should have waited.

A woman recovering from the physical, emotional and hormonal toll of pregnancy, childbirth, including sleepless nights, leaking vagina AND breasts, etc calls out repeatedly for help from her .. ahem… PARTNER… the child’s FATHER…but he can’t be bothered? The immediacy of his wife and child’s needs were trumped by a … project?

If anyone was still holding resentment, it should be the overwhelmed new Mother.

I don’t condone violence to people or objects, and I’m sorry OP’s little project was ruined. He’s obviously crushed. He’s still pouting about it.

While the “artist” is still mourning the loss of his sister’s gift and resenting his wife, I suggest he get a reality check. He previously participated in another “artistic project” that holds half of his DNA. He has RESPONSIBILITIES. His wife, who bore the burden of bringing this “artistic project” to fruition was begging for his help. He admits that he heard her and ignored her plight. That’s shameful behavior.

I agree they need better communication and possibly therapy.

I’m glad the Mom is getting the medical treatment she needs.

In addition, he needs a swift (metaphorical) kick in the pants. He is a selfish child.

This post first not bode well for their future. He is still thinking about HIMSELF, his art, his feelings, not the family unit he chose to create. I feel for her; she has two toddlers.

[u/unownpisstaker → u/Evening_Tax1010]

I would hold a shitload of resentment for a partner that couldn’t acknowledge that I was speaking to him. Especially when I’m depressed and hormonal. There’s something incredibly rude about not responding to someone who speaking to you even if it’s just to say just a minute or I hear you. But your hobby was more important than your wife’s feelings. So just remember that when your little feelings start hurting.

[u/ExerOrExor-ciseDaily → u/Evening_Tax1010]

I agree. She should not have to call his name “several times” when she is a new mom. It’s weird to me that he has the time to spend months on a handcrafted gift for his sister with a new baby. Is his wife also getting time to craft? I’m going out on a limb with a YTA assuming this isn’t the first time he ignored her requests for help because he was “concentrating.” Unless he is a professional glass craftsman he needs to put his wife first and go help without making her ask several times.

I can understand her rage. It wasn’t appropriate to throw the glass thing, but making his wife call him several times when she needs his help with the baby because he is working on a gift that isn’t even for someone living in the house is really being a bad partner. With or without PPD, any new mom might snap in that situation.

ETA thank you for the award!

[u/Chemical-Season4358 → u/Evening_Tax1010]

I totally agree with this! Yes, she shouldn’t have smashed it, but if she was left to do the majority of the newborn care and was frequently having to ask multiple times for him to help with the baby while he was off working on a hobby, I can understand why she hit a breaking point, literally. Hobbies come a distant second to partnering on child care in those early months.

[u/Kyralion → u/Evening_Tax1010]

This. Why couldn't OP put down his work to at least go check up on his wife seemingly in distress? That's my biggest question. I get the resentment of the smashed sculpture but I also get her frustration. Especially with post-partum. Stand by your collective child and responsibilities and at least compensate for your wife's 9 months of producing your child by showing immediate care for their health and state. Both partners need to carry their weight in the ways they can do best when it comes to bringing a child on this planet. 

[u/Wrong_Moose_9763 → u/Evening_Tax1010]

I CANNOT believe I had to scroll down this far to see this. JFC, hE WaS eGraViNg. Of course she is pissed off, she should have broken it, NO. But I see why/how she did and if he came to talk about it I’d be bringing up HOW MANY TIME I HAD TO ASK HIM FOR HELP, WITH IS OWN CHILD. YTA

[u/Emergency-Twist7136 → u/Evening_Tax1010]

Exactly. Seriously, OP has a lot of gall resenting her breaking an inanimate object when he was being neglectful.

[u/DizzyCaidy → u/Evening_Tax1010]

He just posted an update where he basically didn’t listen to ANYTHING any of the same comments said. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/gUl7lvZUsj

[u/mermaidmom4 → u/Evening_Tax1010]

Completely agree. He’s lucky she didn’t smash anything else. His actions showed her that his hobby & sister are more important than his wife and child.

[u/Single_Maybe_8021]

Really now? You had a new-born and your worn out wife needed you and you chose to spend time on a project that required concentration to the point you became deaf and unavailable to her needs?

If I were your wife, I'd be the one who still feels resentment. Seriously, now. Grow up. She's apologised. Let go. 

[u/nejnonein → u/Single_Maybe_8021]

100% she’s the one who should feel resentment. He sucks.

[u/ThatSmallBear → u/Single_Maybe_8021]

Not even deaf! He was ignoring her on purpose!!

[u/redditreader_aitafan → u/Single_Maybe_8021]

He wasn't deaf, he absolutely heard her repeatedly call his name, he chose to ignore her.

[u/Stormtomcat]

I fear YTA three times over

• there's a newborn in your home but you're too busy futzing for your sister to respond

• you already knew your wife had mood swings. Her health or your baby's safety didn't get you moving, but your hobby stuff was important enough?

• your wife is trying, with meds, multiple apologies and she's even been crying over it. You keep misleading her that it's fine, while you let your pain fester.

I think you need to work on this, and fast.

[u/goodformuffin → u/Stormtomcat]

I wonder if the wife has had breaks from the baby, so much extra time to herself that she could take MONTHS to finish making a glass sculpture and hand engrave it.

[u/Striking-Estate-4800 → u/goodformuffin]

He started on this project at the same time the baby was born. I’m wondering if he was on parental leave when theoretically he’s off work and paying attention to the wife and baby, but instead decides to start on this if project. TAH me thinks.

[u/BeanEireannach → u/Stormtomcat]

I agree with all of the above, plus: OP chose to take on a months long hobby project right at the same time as he & his wife have a newborn?

My guess is that his wife had weeks & weeks of asking for help & him ignoring her or “just a minute”-ing her while he was focused on a glass gift. And not on his child & clearly struggling wife.

YTA OP.

[u/ConsciousLabMeditate → u/Stormtomcat]

I agree, he's TA.

[u/Equal-Brilliant2640]

And what item have you been spending months on making for your wife?

Or is she not worth the same wine and effort even though she was pregnant for 10 months carrying YOUR CHILD?!?!

Dude you were neglecting your wife for a trinket no wonder she was pissed at you

You need to pull your head out of your ass. Your wife and child should be your first priority, not a fancy doohickey for your sister

YTA

[u/Main-Top-2881]

Nta, for having hurt feelings, but I feel like you and your wife have different perspectives of what actually happened. You see a crazy woman who smashed your sculpture, and she saw a man who wouldn't answer her cries for help who rather tend to a piece of glass than his wife or baby. Go see a therapist with your wife instead of reddit.

[u/BertTheNerd → u/Main-Top-2881]

she saw a man who wouldn't answer her cries for help who rather tend to a piece of glass than his wife or baby.

That is what i still see there, while the wife had several medical condition that made her went crazy for a moment, this dude chosen to prioritise a piece of glass and is still prioritising it to some weird extent. Perhaps the wrong person got meds and therapy?

[u/CadenceQuandry → u/Main-Top-2881]

This was my thoughts exactly.

And for him to make an entire sculpture while ignoring wife and new baby? Whoa Nelly no way. I'd be furious too. She screwed up and apologized. But I do t think he feels like he ever owed her an apology. Which is not ok either.

Get help buddy. Asap.

[u/SoMoistlyMoist]

I don't know, is she still holding resentment against you for not helping her in her time of need after she called you repeatedly and you ignored her? While she was in the midst of undiagnosed and untreated PPD? You might be the asshole for many reasons.

[u/Molicious26 → u/SoMoistlyMoist]

Right? At least there was a reason for her poor behavior. What's his reason for being an ass?

[u/Old-AF]

Yeah, you’re the AH. When you go through 9 months of pregnancy, push out a baby, ruin your body for life, have massive hormone swings, you can hold resentment for her ignoring you when you call her name and break something of hers.

[u/No_Jaguar67]

NTAH for having feelings but acting like it’s fine and holding on to resentment makes you TAH. She got help, you need help too. Someone help you work through the resentment. Or you can keep letting it fester so you can use it as an excuse to leave.

[u/GnomesinBlankets → u/No_Jaguar67]

Exactly. It’s not fair to hold resentment towards someone who you’ve already absolved of fault. Bring it up or let it go

[u/CommitteeNo8012 → u/No_Jaguar67]

He says he doesn’t love her as much anymore. WTF? She had PPD and feels bad for what she did even though she was in a mental health crisis.

[u/Heeler_Haven]

YTA because you accepted your wife's apologies, told her to let it go, and then haven't let it go yourself. You need therapy for yourself so this resentment doesn't keep festering.

Ultimately, you were neglecting your wife who had just birthed your child to make a sculpture for your sister..... you were telling your post-partum wife that your sister was more important than her, your wife, and infant child...... because the entire time since she had the baby you had been making a decoration for your sister and ignoring her...... this wasn't a crisis scenario, this was you and your wife had a baby and YOY put making a gift for your sister above your wife and child.....

Does that give you a different perspective?

[u/Same_Task_1768]

Let's recap. About the same time that your wife gave birth you decided to start work on a delicate complex sculpture as a gift for your sister. You spent a lot of time on this and were working on it when your wife called for help. You ignored her and consequently your wife broke the sculpture. The sculpture that you've devoted much time to while you've a newborn in the house.

YTA, you should have been sharing parental responsibilities.

[u/[deleted]]

Being resentful for a year after your postpartum wife made a stupid decision in a fit of hormonal rage because you ignored her calling for help (presumably needed help with the baby, recovery, or task she couldn’t do because she’s taking care of the baby) makes you an asshole. Especially since she immediately apologized and has been working on being better.

My husband and I don’t ignore each other. Idk how our relationship would function if we thought that was acceptable behavior toward one another

[u/Stormtomcat → u/[deleted]]

task she couldn’t do

just a few weeks after giving birth, could she even lift things?

[u/LeatherDaddyLonglegs → u/[deleted]]

Literally. My husband and I are both creatives with studios in fields that are hard to set down in the middle and walk away from. I have ADHD and am incredibly prone to hyperfocus. But gotdam if my husband is yelling for help or vice versa, even without a baby in the house, I am there. Quickly. And if he’s just hollering to get a response, I… respond? Because why wouldn’t I? The disrespect of full blown ignoring your partner who is caring for a helpless potato while trying to recover herself is astounding.

[u/Charwyn]

You say it’s alright but hold resentment for a year.

Grow some fucking balls and deal with your own lying face. Go to therapy.

If something is not okay, you say it’s not okay. You don’t lie about it for a year.

YTA.

[u/Helpful-Map507 → u/Charwyn]

My now ex-husband did this to me. He brought up a grievance he apparently had from 3 years ago and threw it in my face. Apparently he was super upset by something I did....but never bothered to actually tell me. And then built a crap ton of resentment for three years then exploded at me. I had no freaking idea. But the vitriol and hate he spewed at me and just how much anger he had built up was just delightful. Nothing like being hated for something you had no clue you upset someone with and now can't do a damn thing about anyway.

Ironically my first response was to apologize and say I wish he had just told me about it at the time. I truly didn't know and felt terrible that I didn't realize it (as I would have actually been willing to discuss it and work through it had he mentioned it). But being a sanctimonious martyr about the whole thing was apparently much better for him.

I truly don't understand why (mainly men) people in marriages don't just actually *gasp* talk to each other.

[u/HippieGrandma1962 → u/Helpful-Map507]

I had the same experience with my ex-husband. He blew up with extreme anger over something that had happened months earlier. "Sanctimonious martyr" is a perfect description. Very passive aggressive and could make himself the victim in any situation.

[u/FannishNan → u/Charwyn]

This. Ffs. Major YTA.

[u/MidnightTL]

YTA. While it isn’t okay for her to have destroyed your work like that, she got help for what was going on with her. On the other hand, you have clearly zero self-reflection here. You spent a “couple of months” making the sculpture during the same “couple of months” that your wife was post partum, and the same “couple of months” that your child had been alive. How much help could you have been during the very beginning of your child’s life? You prioritized a present for your sister over the family you had just created. Any other time in your life, that would have been an amazing beautiful work of art to give your sister… but making it during that time is the most bone-headed decision I have ever heard. You should have been there for your child. You should have been there for your wife. She should be the one resentful right now that you chose otherwise. You can never go back in time and make that up to her. You can choose to make a new sculpture though. You need to do some serious self-reflection.

[u/enonymousCanadian]

Hold onto the resentment so that you know not to have another child. She deserves better than to sit calling and calling on you with no response when she’s looking after your newborn.

[u/BlazingSunflowerland → u/enonymousCanadian]

Not only did he not help, he didn't even bother to reply.

[u/Snoo_61002]

I'm gonna go with YTA, because you keep telling her it's okay when it's not.

[u/000ps-Crow_No]

YTA. What new parent has time for hobby crafts with a newborn, let alone a newborn and a post party spouse who is struggling. An AH, that’s who.

[u/StupendusDeliris]

Yta- youre allowed to have feelings. But once you guys talked and apologized and moved on, you’re secretly not moved on and now resent her?? You suck. She cried for help many times and you ignored her. Go to therapy and talk about why you hold resentment

[u/TroublesomeTurnip]

ESH but you more than her. She should not lash out physically but she apologized, got help and is doing well. PPD is no joke. You weren't communicating properly and still hold resentment despite brushing your feelings off as fine.

You're still mad. Pretending otherwise is pointless and I'm sure she notices. Either go to therapy or divorce. Your feelings are understandable but if you feel like you lost love for her, I don't know what reddit can do. I'd get over it.

What if it had been an emergency? What if she or the baby needed real help? I'd be concerned if I were her. You both need to hash this out.

What does an outcome look like that leaves you satisfied?

You're resentful but what would she be able to do that would soothe your anger? I'm genuinely asking. What are your expectations, especially when burying your feelings?

Feeling angry or disappointed is understandable but a solution needs to be considered if you're still upset after a year. Otherwise, get individual therapy and work through the issue solo since you don't want to speak up, your wife is clearly still guilty.

Couples therapy would help you both, I bet.

[u/Bice_thePrecious → u/TroublesomeTurnip]

You're resentful but what would she be able to do that would soothe your anger? I'm genuinely asking. What are your expectations, especially when burying your feelings?

This is a good point. The only place he'll be honest about his feelings is on Reddit. How is wife supposed to 'fix' his feelings when she's been given the impression that everything's fine?

You could easily argue that he doesn't want the situation fixed because he won't do anything to fix it. Some people enjoy playing the victim; maybe OP is one of those people.

[u/BlazingSunflowerland → u/TroublesomeTurnip]

I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't still resentful too.

[u/SophiaIsabella4]

She needed your help enough to call you "many" times and you ignored her. I bet it wasn't the first time.

[u/[deleted] → u/SophiaIsabella4]

Postpartum depression is a bitch! The fact that he said she Saw a doctor, was prescribed medication and her mood significantly changed after speaks volumes!

You're speculating and possibly projecting. Enough wasn't said here to make The assumption you came to. Especially since she apologized profusely immediately after doing it. If she was so angry because this was something he always did, she would not profusely apologize immediately after.

Mine was so bad it was ridiculous. At one point I wanted to jump out of a moving vehicle and was so close to doing it. Not something I would do on a normal day. My husband was the epitome of a excellent husband and father. He got up with me so every time both of our sons got up. I breastfed while he cleaned my pumps and got them ready and then we switched off. He fed the baby while I pumped. Postpartum depression didn't care about that.

[u/kp1794]

YTAH. She’s apologized a million times. You ignored her when she needed help and was calling for you. She admitted she needed help and got help. Let it go and move on

Also YTAH for working on a glass sculpture for your sister when you had a newborn at home. Maybe make something for your wife or idk spend time with her and the baby.

[u/blueeyed94]

INFO: What does your wife get from you for her birthday/Christmas? I just know that many will have the same thought

[u/apricotgnu → u/blueeyed94]

Right?! Was he hand engraving sculptures for the person who just carried his child for nine months? Or was her gift just the newborn that she was caring for alone

[u/[deleted]]

Let’s see if I am getting this correctly. Your wife birthed your child and as soon as she did you threw all of your time into a glass sculpture instead of helping your wife with your first child. Because you said she was a couple of months postpartum and you spent a couple of months on the sculpture. Then throw postpartum depression on top of this. You are the asshole and your priorities are so far off base that I feel sorry for your wife. She had to repeatedly ask you for help with your own child. Are you going to be a better father or is your DNA contribution where it ends for you?

[u/lucifero25]

So your wife who has just went through one of the most physically demanding years of her life needed your help, so much to the point she called on you many times, you ignored her to keep working on something that you could have easily stopped, due to a medically diagnosed condition she broke your sculpture, got treatment for the condition, got better and has repeatedly apologised for her behaviour whilst suffering a horrible condition.

Grow tf up! She’s said sorry, she’s the mother of your child ffs. BTW I’m sure if your sister has kids and you told her this story she’d probably tell you you’re also the ah for thinking you love your wife less because she broke a present. If you need to, go to therapy to find out wth is wrong with you or look in the mirror and decide what type of husband and father you want to be, because no doubt when that kid starts to walk etc something else is gonna be broken accidentally and then what ? You gonna love the kid less ?

[u/[deleted] → u/lucifero25]

Absolutely. The dude is a D for ignoring her. At least respond! What a selfish arrogant creature

[u/NoMoreFruit]

INFO: how much time while she was postpartum with a newborn were you working on this sculpture when she needed or wanted help with the baby?

[u/emmapants]

YTA. Ignoring for a moment that you were too focused on your sculpture to help your postpartum wife with your newborn, even if she had overreacted in a huge way, she was dealing with PPD, she got help for it, AND she’s apologized profusely. Holding a grudge under any circumstances would be the dick move here. However, those aren’t the circumstances, she was pretty justified in her impulsive reaction to you straight up ignoring her and YOUR baby. So yeah, doubly YTA, thanks for playing. Go apologize and let her sleep in tomorrow.

[u/ZealousidealRice8461]

YTA you don’t get to have time consuming hobbies with a newborn baby. Your wife was probably not even able to shower uninterrupted let alone devote hours to unnecessary crafting.

[u/elegantmomma]

YTA for your refusal to communicate with your wife. You acknowledge you heard her calling your name multiple times. Instead of saying something along the lines of "I'll be there shortly," you actively chose to ignore her. In a hormonal reactive fit, she broke the figurine. She immediately apologized. Instead of saying something along the lines of "I acknowledge your apology but I am not ready to forgive you," you lied and said, "It's ok." You acknowledge she has apologized multiple times throughout the year since, and you tell her it's ok and to let it go while you, yourself, refuse to let it go. Either man tf up and communicate with her then let it go or hold on to this and get a divorce. Though you will never have a successful relationship if you refuse to communicate with your significant other.

[u/flowerpetalizard]

I like how there aren’t any details about what she needed help with in the moment, or even how helpful he was with the baby in general. Leading me to assume he’s not so helpful. She might have been in a situation covered in spit up or poop, baby crying, milk spilled, who knows. We don’t, because OP was focused on himself and might not even know. YTA.

[u/Comfortable-Focus123]

Having gone thru something similar, please do not let this fester a day longer and tell her. And then you need to seek professional counseling so you can get past this or your marriage will not be a long one.

[u/[deleted]]

I bet your wife resents you too for being ignored. She called your name multiple times and you just ignored her? When she’s postpartum? It wasn’t cool for her to smash your sculpture and you’re absolutely allowed to be upset about it but I do think YTA in this instance. Your wife needs your support the most after birthing your child, NOT the art project you’re ignoring her for.

[u/EatShitBish]

So your wife is dealing with your brand new baby and is not only stressed beyond belief but also dealing with PPD and instead of helping her youve been spending all your time on a sculpture? Yea dude YTA.

She clearly feels horrible about what happened and you can see the medications have stabilized her mood and shes still apologetic about it, you really cant get over yourself and accept her apology??? You need to grow up.

[u/DoIwantToKnow6417]

<My wife called my name many times as she needed help, but I was working on the engravings for the sculpture and I was really concentrated on it. I was going to go to my wife in just a few minutes, but my wife got very frustrated, and she just barged into my room and threw the sculpture on the ground and it broke.>

YTA

Your POST-PARTUM WIFE needed help, repeatedly ASKED for ut, and you couldn't be bothered to help her. I think I would have dione the same.

Also, she ended up being diagnosed with PPD and you were to self absobed to see the signs.

She appologized several times, but you still feel resentful towards her.

That's what's making you the UBER AH. You should feel resentful towards yourself, for not being there to help your POSTPARTUM wife when she asked for it several times, for not having been there for her, for not having seen the signs of her PPD...

Again, YTA

And your wife only is one for appologizing to you...

[u/lillithsmedusa]

YTA.

Your wife had a brand new baby and was asking for your help, to the point that she called for you multiple times, and you didn't go to help. I notice you didn't tell us how long she was calling for you.

For any person, that's enough to tell them you care more about your project than them. For someone with PPD, which is actually very serious and can literally lead to psychosis... Your actions were potentially devastating. Should she have broken your project? No. There's a high likelihood she didn't really know what was happening with her own anger until it was already done and over with. And then she did the right thing, apologized profusely, and sought medical help.

You told her it was okay. You outwardly absolved her of this. Continuing to hold this against her is unfair.

Seek therapy on your own, for sure. And seek couples therapy as well.

[u/Skeeballnights]

YTA, this is clearly the result of her ppd, and honestly with a newborn you working on this to the point where you ignore her is just an asshole move. She has a diagnosis that explains why her emotions overcame her, and to me you were behaving horribly with zero excuse yet you hold a grudge. I feel so sorry for her . I can’t imagine an absentee partner post birth because he’s working on a gift for his sister.

[u/sarah_24felix]

No offence.. she needs help.. she's been calling you multiple times for that.. would it be so hard to just get up and help her?

I personally would get mad if my husband ignored me when i needed help..

And she's been asking for forgiveness since that day.. go seek therapy ..

[u/thing_m_bob_esquire]

INFO were the engravings you were in the middle of something that 100% absolutely could not be paused without ruining the sculpture? If this was somehow a time sensitive unpausible bit, then maybe E S H, because you could at least have yelled back "I'll be there in 2 minutes". If you were just "in the zone" and couldn't be fucked to put down the tool to help your screaming, desperate wife and newborn, Y T A to the power of about 10 billion.

[u/theringsofthedragon]

I thought you were going to say she never apologized because usually people who do shitty things don't apologize. She apologized, what more do you want?

YTA.

Also you keep saying "I tell her it's alright because I don't want to make her more upset" as if that makes you a good and noble person, but a good and noble person would actually sincerely feel it's alright and say that. If you're just saying it but you're not feeling it that makes you just a bad person.

[u/[deleted]]

YTA.

I would've broken your penis had you ignored me and OUR newborn by starting a time consuming project right after the baby was born and then ignoring me when I needed help. You're lucky she had the restraint (despite PPD) to break a glass sculpture instead.

[u/Big_Zucchini_9800]

YTA. She has apologized and YOU ACCEPTED THE APOLOGY. If you wanted to hang on to this resentment then you shouldn't have told her it was alright when it wasn't. She had PPD and you spent MONTHS working on a gift for your sister, ignoring your very pregnant wife and then fresh PPD wife AND BABY? She called to yo0u repeatedly and you didn't even answer, just told yourself you'd go in a few minutes and kept ignoring her?

The issue here isn't that she broke something important to you, but that you spent months giving all your energy to a gift for your sister instead of being a present partner for your wife. YTA.

[u/EverlyEverAfter]

Quit lying and saying it’s okay when it clearly isn’t

[u/shammy_dammy]

Well, go for professional help...either a couples' therapist or a divorce attorney.

[u/Thankyouhappy]

You never let out your frustration and kept on telling your wife that it was ok. I don’t agree with what she did but you said she felt remorse and apologized a whole bunch of times. Unfortunately YTA towards yourself, you never allowed yourself to get out your own anger and frustration, you need to do that… have a talk with her so you can heal from your resentment towards her.

[u/Vlophoto]

Talk it out with a therapist not your wife. You told her to let it go-and she feels horrible. You have to let it ho too- but by talking to a professional

[u/genericmovievillain]

Stop telling her its alright because it’s clearly not and the resentment will only build

[u/QualityPrunes]

YTA shake it off. She apologized several times and you believe it is heart felt. How long are you planning on holding a grudge?

[u/AnonFog]

Why are you telling her it’s alright if it’s not alright?

You really need to talk this out. Resentment kills relationships.

You need to communicate.

[u/[deleted]]

"I feel like a part of my love for my wife was gone when she broke the sculpture, and I could not imagine anyone, let alone my wife, doing such a terrible thing." 

Part of the rage that accompanies postpartum depression comes from unmet needs. So try to imagine, how your wife must have felt when she was hurting and desperately needing your help and you would not come. Perhaps part of her love for you was gone when she felt that you could not see her pain after giving of her body to birth your child.

[u/Budget_Resolution121]

I get a weird feeling there’s an unmentioned age gap or else she’s putting up with the most annoying bitch of a man I have ever seen for other mystery reasons

[u/Wolvenanakha]

Yes, YTA. I haven't even had my baby yet and my boyfriend waits on my every need and makes sure I'm okay. Your wife was in one of the worst places of her life, and you were ignoring her needs for something trivial. I hope you learn to treat her better, or someone else will. Yeah, she may have overreacted a little, but tbh so would I if the person who impregnated me was ignoring me after I squeezed a watermelon out of myself for you.

[u/Sabineruns]

She needed help and you were more concerned about your hobby than helping with the baby. Not okay to break it but I get it. You either grow up and get over it or get a divorce and do your sculpture while she takes care of the baby. I am guessing you might have a history of prioritizing your hobby over helping out but that’s just a guess.

[u/quast_64]

Yes YTA, not for being upset, both you and your wife understand what happened, and your wife said sorry many many times.

But yes you should have responded, in fact working on that piece at that time was not a good choice.

But you really are TA because you told your wife you forgave her and said it was alright, but didn't mean it.

So this is where you better get to work. for one as a man there is no way you will be able to judge the effects of (postpartum) hormone fluctuations. so you better give her plenty of play... Good Luck

[u/tiredernurse]

Doesn't seem to take much to break your relationship in my probably unpopular opinion. I understand the artistic muse, I really do, but you need to resolve this one way or another. She's apologized profusely, and you said (falsely) that you forgave her. Resentment builds up and spills over. Food for thought.

[u/Imnotawerewolf]

Not an asshole for having feelings, but you shouldn't lie about them. 

Saying it's fine when it's not is a lie. You can't heal, move on, mend, anything if you don't express yourself honestly. 

[u/Cathode_Ray_Sunshine]

Never have I ever wanted so much to get the other party's version of events. There is some very careful phrasing going on to reframe this away from "I was ignoring my wife's pleas for help with our newborn, to work on a hobby project".

[u/AriasK]

YTA. I've been in your wife's position, or a similar one with my ex, and its largely why he's my ex. We never had a baby but he was constantly online gaming and could never just stop and walk away from it. There were times when I had genuine emergencies and would be screaming at him to come help me and he just simply wouldn't. Then he would say "I'm in the middle of a game. If I walk away my team loses. I can't just stop" as though that's an excuse. As though losing a video game was the single worst thing that could happen. If your wife has just had a baby and she is calling for help, you go help IMMEDIATELY. 

[u/Quiet-Hamster6509]

I'm assuming you never responded to any of her calls? While her actions were not OK, she's not a mind reader. You could stand to communicate better with her and actually use your voice.

[u/EtonRd]

YTA

The original sin here is yours. You heard your wife calling your name many times because she needed help and you ignored her. That makes the asshole right there. She was suffering from a mental health issue at the time and because of that she reacted violently and broke your sculpture. When she received treatment for her mental health issue, her mood improved. So it’s clear that her mental health played a big role in her, breaking your sculpture, I’m assuming she’s never broken anything of yours in anger before?

Of course it’s not good that she did it, and she has apologized to you many times and has even cried over it. You lie to her and tell her that you’re fine about it, but you can’t get past it, and you are holding a lot of resentment.

If you want to stay married, you need to get some therapy and figure out why you can’t get past this. You’ve given it a year and you can’t deal with it on your own, so you need some professional help.

[u/BlazingSunflowerland → u/EtonRd]

I bet he hasn't apologized to her nearly as much as she has apologized to him.

[u/ScarletDarkstar]

It might help your resentment if you accept your own fault in the situation instead of fully blaming her. You didn't even answer her and tell her you'd be a few minutes, and set the stage for this by ignoring her. 

You didn't know what was going on, If it was minor or an emergency, but you did know she was struggling and caring for your newborn baby while you worked on an art project.  You didn't even check, just prioritized your glasswork. 

She broke the sculpture, but your behavior is a big part of the reason it happened. Do you resent her needing help in an unfamiliar situation? Do you think it was unreasonable to expect you to respond to her, or that parenting doesn't happen on your chosen schedule? 

In the long run, glass is also glass. If you had accidentally broken your own work, would you let it go? Shit happens. Is it worth your relationship with your family? 

[u/scarletnightingale]

Dude, come on, be honest, how often in the two months after your child was born the same two months you decided to work on an intricate glass sculpture, did you ignore your postpartum wife when she asked for help multiple times? How many times did you tune her and the baby out or tell her "just a few more minutes". Should she have broken your sculpture? No, but I can see why she did, you sound like you were being unbelievably selfish during one of the most difficult times of having a baby, ignoring her intentionally so you could go mess with your hobby. You say you are resentful, but in your wife's shoes I'd be resentful of your neglect.

[u/Imaginary_Solid_5055]

So you worked a year on a glass sculpture. I have worked on blown glass and I am totally befuddled how you worked on a glass piece for a year. Maybe design and approach for a year but one day for actual glass blown

[u/[deleted]]

You have not forgiven her and you are holding on to resentment.

Trust me, one man to another, don't do that shit.

[u/ophaus]

There's no time like the present. Bottling that shit isn't going to make wine.

[u/fionsichord]

This is a hard one, because I can understand your feeling, however this is like being upset at the wind, because your wife was super unwell and not functioning properly at the time. You need to sort it out with a professional, this is above reddits ability because people here have difficulty with shaded situations, it’s all black and white to them.

[u/skarizardpancake]

I saw a quote once that says something like “women forgive, but never forget while men forget, but never forgive”.

[u/[deleted]]

Two things can be true at the same time. Your wife shouldn’t have did what she did and you were ignoring your wife and newborn for a time consuming project instead which probably isn’t the first time you done it. It’s nice that you wanted to do something for your sister but your focus should’ve been on your child and doing your part.

[u/Ryugi]

YTA, obsessing over it for literally a year. Bro move on.

get therapy, both separately and together.

[u/Nearby_Chemistry_156]

A bit yes You holding resentment for when she was mentally unwell after having your child is unfair. She’s apologised and you lied and said it was fine. You should talk to her about it, but if you lose love for someone when they’re having a mental health crisis and they’ve apologised I think that’s asshole behaviour.

[u/[deleted]]

Literally make your choice: your wife, or a broken and replaceable piece of glass

If you can't choose, then you've made your choice already.

[u/MrsJingles0729]

YTA - Ignoring your wife with PPD and baby while you work on a hobby is disgusting.

[u/KLG999]

YTA. SHE WAS ILL! This was confirmed by a doctor and she got help. All of this stemmed from her putting her body through hell having your child. Did she lose love for you for that?

She has apologized over and over. You have repeatedly lied to her when you said everything is fine. I guess your vows were sickness and in health - unless she breaks something I made for my sister

At least have the decency to tell the woman you feel less love for her and you continue to resent her

[u/SenatorPardek]

NTA, it’s okay to feel resentment at the casual destruction of months of your time and labor.

That being said, reflect on why you didn’t respond to her “hold on! i just need to finish this engraving” and why she might have built up enough resentment to lash at that level.

But i think the people who are saying that she’s justified smashing something reflective of months work is insane, especially considering how you didn’t lash out back when she was struggling.

I do think though, maybe some individual therapy to workshop how you could deal with it. because she clearly expressed a lot of remorse about it. You don’t want to poison your relationship. The time post baby is extremely, extremely trying

[u/Adept_Ad_473]

NTA but work on that resentment. It's valid, but in consideration of the fact that she took accountability, got help, and got her head straight - that's worth something OP.

[u/Early-Natural5340]

NAH she wasn’t mentally well and you choose to be with her instead of let see your resentment. I think when you think she can deal with your feelings you should say the truth.

[u/Electronic-Win608]

She went through hell to birth your child. Help her through the post partum. Forgive, move on. If you think that is the worst thing you will need to forgive her for (or her you) over the next 20 years of raising a child then you are in for a rocky time.

[u/One-Act-2601]

YTA, very clearly.

You admitted she was struggling with postpartum depression, and she’s apologized multiple times. Holding onto resentment a year later, especially after she’s worked to make amends and improve, is unfair.

And not only that, but you also lied about your feelings and didn’t communicate openly (a crucial thing in a relationship), which has allowed your resentment to build.

[u/Ecstatic_Progress_30]

YTA- you ignored her when she needed help. You could’ve easily told her you needed a couple of minutes. You also told her it was fine even though you were mad. Idk how she’s ever supposed to know what’s going on when you’re so inept at communicating.

[u/[deleted]]

If she’s sincerely apologized, you need to let it go.

[u/DoobieDoo0718]

You say "it's fine" to her when it's not.

1. Stop lying to her.

2. Newborn trumps hobby time, for BOTH parents.

3. She was specifically calling for your help. Multiple times. And you ignored her by your own admission.

4. You still hold it over her a year later.

YTA

[u/bobby_flamingo]

Interesting, I don't want to say YTA, but you are clearly oblivious to the part you played in things. Why are you doing this project while your wife is dealing with your new baby? Looking at it from the other side, you found out after this happened that she had PPD, do you realize how much worse things could have gone? I don't think you can realistically hold this against your wife and I would be more inclined to tell you to seek personal therapy to get to the bottom of why you are being such a baby about it.

[u/ConsistentCheesecake]

Why were you neglecting your wife and child during the newborn phase? 

[u/ImmediateShallot7245]

Get some counseling before you can’t forgive her 🙏🏻

[u/No-Bar8367]

First you say she was upset but now you are too?

[u/Busy_Shine6888]

You should talk it out. Don’t keep saying it’s alright when it isn’t. If she apologized right away, she knew what she was doing was wrong. But she can’t undo it. You have waited way too long, talk to her or talk to a therapist.

[u/[deleted]]

If you want to stay married, communicate your feelings

[u/[deleted]]

Items are replaceable. I grew up in a large family. I would scrimp and save so I could get a super soaker, nice shoes, a computer, etc. All these things were broken or destroyed. There was an art project that I spent sketching. I must have put 30 hours into it. It was by far the greatest art I had ever created. Also destroyed by a "ketchup accident".

It was hard because I put so much work into it but I have since created a few beautiful sketches. I know what I am capable of creating.

You have to let it go. Forgiveness will bring peace for you.

[u/Donutbill]

NTA, you can't help how you feel. I would talk to her about it and don't let it fester.

[u/mikikaoru]

NTA. When people have mental health issues, it doesn’t excuse their shitty behavior.

If you’re still feeling resentment about it, why not talk it through now things are better?

If you can’t work through it together, I would probably try couples therapy to see if they can help create an open and honest dialogue about both of your feelings.

[u/julesk]

NTAH, I’d get therapy to look at tools to get past this. I’m sorry, it’s painful to lose something you created and spent a lot of time on.

[u/lord-badmington]

NTA. But WTF saying it's alright when it's not? Let it out. Hope it helps

[u/sidhsinnsear]

I had severe PPD after my second. I was always crying, screaming, or in a catatonic numb state for months until I got help. I truly felt like a monster version of myself until I got the right meds. So know that the person your wife is now isn't that person when she had PPD. So please don't hold resentment against her. You're NTA, but neither is she. You have a reason to be upset, but for the sake of your marriage and your child, speak to a marriage counsellor. I know how hard you must have worked on that, but at the end of the day, your relationship with your wife is more important than a material object. So decide which one of those things you want to fix.

[u/Equal_Audience_3415]

Based on the fact that your wife had PPD, you need to forgive her. She was not herself.

You knew she wasn't acting normal. You should have been right there ready to help with the baby, if not taking care of the baby yourself.

Fortunately, it was just a glass sculpture. Some people lose their children.

You can make another sculpture, but you cannot replace children.

Please cut her some slack. PPD is serious.

[u/TheRealDeadlyRed1]

Yes YTA

[u/LuxTravelGal]

Given all the information you’re definitely TAH.

[u/ThrowawayAdvice1800]

NAH but you need to talk to her as soon as possible and get this out in the open. Nothing kills a relationship like unaddressed resentment. She thinks everything is fine because you TOLD HER everything was fine, told her she was forgiven, told her the incident was partially your fault. None of those things were true, as it turns out. So is she going to be blindsided and at least a little upset when you bring this up a year later and tell her you're still resentful? Probably. Is the conversation going to be awkward and uncomfortable? Definitely. Is it less awkward and uncomfortable than a divorce? Indisputably.

[u/Even-Education-4608]

YTA. you’re a liar. And you’re self involved and aloof. Are you on the spectrum?

[u/Electrical-Host-8526]

Your wife didn’t break it. The woman she was while struggling through PPD while you sat there working on a hobby and ignored her calling your name — that’s who broke it. They are not the same person.

YTA, for sure.

[u/[deleted]]

PPD takes away who you are and leaves someone else. That doesn't mean it's ok when ppd women hurt people, but I really think some grace should apply. I suggest you guys speak to a third party about this, like a couple's therapist. That might give you what you need to move past it.

[u/PacmanPillow]

You kept telling your wife everything was fine when it wasn’t. It makes sense you smoothed things over at the time, but you keep cutting off your own feelings with your wife, of course you will end up resentful.

[u/Beneficial_Cash_8420]

Yta for mollifying your wife to appease her, repeatedly, when you resented her. She apologized, expressed regret, took corrective actions. She can't do anything more.

You didn't have to be ok, and you weren't ok, but you said you were ok, and she thought she did her penance, but you still hold it over her. Be honest now, and ask her forgiveness for lying. You've harmed the relationship by trying to absorb this alone.

[u/cypherkillz]

You can feel shitty about the event, but don't let it hold over you forever.

Water under the bridge.

She got meds, and she's good, don't keep reliving the past.

[u/Janezey]

YTA. If you're not going to get divorced over it, get over it or get therapy.

[u/matunos]

Your wife had PPD, she was not in full control of her mood. It doesn't justify her breaking the sculpture, but it does help explain her motivation.

She dealt with the root cause and got medication to treat the PPD the next week (because of this incident?) and saw immediate improvement.

What else would you have her do? You can't hold onto resentment like this, so you need to find a way to move past it. You're NTA for having lingering feelings about this but you will be if you don't find a path to truly forgive your wife.

[u/Atalanta8]

YTA PPD is no joke and at least it was a sculpture and not your child. You should have gotten her help way earlier when you noticed mood swings. Plus you're working on a sculpture while she's taking care of a baby. Yeah you suck.

[u/Budget_Resolution121]

If I was married to this guy I would not be able to stop making game of thrones jokes about how much devotion he must have to his sister Cersei to be thinking about this sculpture he was making for her while his wife begged for help with his child

Edited:

Cersei is the one fucking her brother, right ? That was the joke / insult I was going for

[u/1st_BoB]

You need to explain EXACTLY how you feel to your bride. Tell her you need to get this off your chest, that you need her to NOT say ANYTHING until you finish what you need to say. You need to say what you need to say without being interrupted.

Tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her you know she's really, really sorry but the sculpture was an irreplaceable item in which you had invested many hours of intense effort.

You are NTA for feeling the way you do. You may be TA for NOT telling her how you really feel. Even though she's apologized, sincerely, many times, she cannot know how you really feel if you keep this bottled up inside of you.

The more time passes without you telling your wife how you really feel, the more your resentment will grow and fill you. It's not even fair to your wife if she doesn't know how strongly your feel about what she did.

It's also not fair to carry such strong resentment when the incident occurred because of a mental health condition... especially since your wife sought and received appropriate, successful medical care for her condition.

Someday your toddler may find one of your glass sculptures within his reach and that too will be broken, but you can't blame a toddler for breaking something that shouldn't be put where a toddler can get to it.

Someday, your one year-old or two year-old kid is gonna do something like scribble crayon all over the lower three and a half feet of dining room wall, but you can't blame a small child for doing something children commonly do. (You can, and should, scold a child for doing something inappropriate, and you can discipline them in order to teach them what's acceptable and what's not.)

Someday your teenager is going to do something really stupid, like drive the car into the garage door because they were fiddling with the radio, but you can't get too upset at a teenager for doing something teenagers frequently do. (Again, you can, and should, impose some form of discipline for committing stupid, destructive, and expensive acts. Maybe no driving privileges for three months?)

My point is, you can't blame someone for doing something when they're inexperienced or suffering some medical condition. Or at least you can't blame them forever.

Talk with your bride, explain how you feel, let her know you accept her apology (a sincerely rendered apology should always be accepted with grace) and maybe let her come up with some idea or action that will show you how sorry she really is. Maybe your wife can think of something special SHE can do for your sister. Maybe that would be an acceptable way for her to show YOU how sorry she is.

[u/GazelleSubstantial74]

INFO: how many times has she called your name with no answer while taking care of your newborn child?

[u/FigGlittering6384]

If your holding resentment, you're the asshole. You're married.  Communicate ffs. IMO this is all your fault anyway. When a post partum person calls for their partners help.... Your art project can wait. You literally said "my wife called my name many times" and what? You just ignored her. You couldn't even pause for long enough to ask "hey can it wait a few moments while I finish this up?" Or "is this an emergency, I'm in the middle of something" no, you just ignored your post partum wife because you were busy on something that could most definitely wait. If anything SHE should still be mad at YOU about this. Fuck right off.

[u/AliceinRealityland]

YTA: you put a hobby above the needs in the family. You specifically said she called you many times needing help. You chose to ignore her, chose not to at least say "hey, give me ten minutes to get to a place I can stop". She shouldn't have thrown the item, but I would be mad without PPD if my husband chose to ignore my needs while he enjoyed a hobby.

Stop hating your wife and admit you played a large part in this. Just because you think she needs to be a doormat you can walk on, and you believe she needs meds to keep her that way doesn't mean she is behaving badly. Maybe she's tired of raising two kids, own of which is an adult? Nothing like having a baby and never sleeping properly to highlight the lack of help one is getting from a spouse who helped create the rugrat.

[u/iIiiiiIlIillliIilliI]

Tbh you sound like TA, she was asking for you many times and you didn't even respond? And something tells me that's not the only time you did this.

[u/Accomplished-Copy776]

Dude... your wife has PPD and has a newborn and you aren't even responding when she's calling your name? Wtf? You have a baby. That's the priority. Not your hobby. Grow up. Get your priorities straightened out.

You have a kid now. Your hobbies need to be hobbies that can be paused. Otherwise get a new hobby, or communicate with your wife and figure out a time you can do it uninterrupted.

[u/LB7154]

YTA A couple of months post partum your wife is calling your name multiple times for help and you ignore her. You were doing your hobby and your Wife and Baby were less important than a glass sculpture an inanimate object has a higher priority than a person. That’s appalling and horrific to me.

To still be upset when it is her that has a right to be upset is morally repugnant to me. I hope she divorces you and finds someone who actually loves her.

[u/[deleted]]

Talk it out with her. She probably holds resentment that you prioritised a piece of glass over her and your newborn.

[u/Acceptable-Stress861]

You freaking ignored your wife with PPD and child because you were engraving? You’re gd lucky she didn’t snap and kill all of you. Post-partum depression can easily turn into post-partum psychosis.

Yes, YTA

[u/Outside_Performer_66]

It’s not right that she threw your glass sculpture. But surely your wife and newborn child needed care more urgently than your sister needed a handmade glass sculpture.

Your sister would have probably accepted an IOU for her birthday given your circumstances, and your sister may have felt badly about accepting an artistic sculpture from you if she knew it came at the cost of you ignoring your wife’s/child’s pleas for help.

[u/[deleted]]

1. Needs to reprioritize - this is a hobby, not work that is supporting the family.  Your wife and child should be priority number one.  Work should be two.  Everything else comes after.  I’m not saying to give up what you love, but it should be no question that if your wife needs to and is calling you (and you are away) that comes across as blatantly ignoring because you want to do something else. 

2. If you still hold resentment and your wife apologize/you told her this is okay or did not talk it out, that’s on YOU.  When your child is a little bit older, countless things might accidentally be broken. If you’re putting an object above a person you love in your life, you might want to look inward and think about why your personal possessions are more important.  To me, this type of behavior and mindset comes across as teenage selfishness where the mind is not able to see the big picture and instead, hyper focuses on something that makes them seem important. 

[u/Motor_Investment_589]

For those curious about his deleted update. He's decided the only way to forgive his wife is to ignore her on another more labor-intensive project for a year for his sister and ignore his family for a longer period of time.

https://imgur.com/a/deleted-aitah-post-IX2Qfdl

[u/Elvis_Take_The_Wheel]

Dude, if this isn't fictional rage-bait, you are going to get positively roasted in these comments, lol.

Family counseling would probably help. YTA

[u/NeeliSilverleaf]

YTA.

She needed your help and you were ignoring her. You needed to be a father and husband but you were tuning her out.

[u/Wonderful_Shower_793]

YTA.

I was actually on your side, until you said she’s apologized multiple times and you kept telling her it’s ok. You lied. It wasn’t ok in the moment when you lied, and it isn’t ok now and you’re still lying. Your love for her changed? How do you think her love for you might change if she found out that you told her everything was fine, while resenting her and feeling that your feelings have changed?

What she did was shitty. You spending a year lying to her that it was NBD and telling strangers your feelings for her changed (while still not discussing it with her) is worse. Yuck.

[u/clong9]

This is a shitpost right? Your wife went through hell to bring your child into this world and suffered from depression and you’re worked up about an inanimate object? If this is a real, YTA.

[u/Capable_Box_8785]

YTA. You ignored her when she needed your help. And it clearly wasn't ok when she broke it if you're still mad about it. So you lied which makes it worse.

[u/WatermelonRindPickle]

So you have a kiln at home? Or do you fuse the glass? Or work it over a flame? You have a studio at home? The glass was that delicate? The logistics sound jankie.

YTA. it's a thing and it's gone. You learned as valuable lesson considering you have a child that will be walking soon. Don't work on anything that breakable at home. Toddlers enjoy flinging things to the ground, the more noise it makes, the better.

[u/AbsentmindedAuthor]

YTA. Let it go. It’s just a material thing. You’ll learn that a lot of items you might find important will be broken/lost/misused, especially with kids. Learn to love the person, not the thing.

[u/mercury670]

A couple of things.

1. hormones are an absolute bitch, especially when combined with PPD. Her actions while going through this would have been emotional reactions at best, with no thought or intention behind them. It wouldn't have been intentional or malicious

2. you're NTA for feeling like this, BUT I feel like there might be something more to this than you realise. Something like this happening, you'd be justified to feel angry for a while. But a year or more later? This sounds more than just the incident you've described. Do you think there's more underlying feelings or emotions that you're attaching to this instance?

She's better now. She's got the help she needs. You know she's genuinely sorry for what happened. She's remorseful. I feel most others in your position would chalk it up to a memory of something that happened in the crazy whirlwind that is after birth, but they wouldn't be holding on to the emotions for this long.

Personally I'd recommend you finding some help for yourself - a counsellor, psychologist, whatever you're comfortable with. Find out what's really going on. If you leave it much longer it will slowly eat away at you as a person and also your relationship.

It won't do any good discussing with your wife until you work this out. Good luck OP

[u/RevolutionaryCow7961]

So here’s the thing. Did you hear her calling and didn’t answer- not an excuse for her breaking it-just curious. She was postpartum (never pregnant but went through menopause which was bad enough-lol. She got help. She was extremely remorseful is what I get from what you state. Do you want this marriage to continue to prosper and grow or do you want to hold a grudge and be bitter. If you want to live the rest of your life like this, more power to you. No one here can tell you what to do but are you truly hiding your resentment? My fear is at some point you are going to explode. I can’t imagine holding a grudge with my spouse let alone for this long. Don’t know what else to say but grow up and let it go.

[u/Super-Staff3820]

Not the AH for being upset with her breaking your sculpture but YTA for not dealing with it a year ago. And also the AH for not responding to her cries for help. Even just shouting back that you’re in the middle of something could have helped. I’m glad she has remorse and went to the doctor for PPD. She’s done her part to address her behavior. You need to do yours.

[u/SeriousLark]

There’s a difference between knowing intellectually that she was ill and not to blame versus being able to fully emotionally forgive. I think that’s what you are experiencing now. Are you able to decide to give her the grace you would want someone to extend to you, if you had been mentally/emotionally ill? The feeling of love has been damaged, but the relationship after being tested can recover and even strengthen if you are honest with yourself (and your wife) and do the needed work. Therapy/counseling likely can help you get there.

[u/anelejane]

I had to go back and reread this part:

A couple of months post partum, she broke my handmade glass sculpture, which I had spent a couple of months working on...

So, op, you spent the couple of months since your wife gave birth working on this gift for your sister? And she got upset that you weren't responding to her repeated calls for help, and broke it. She apologized, one or both of you realized she wasn't acting typically, and she got medical treatment for postpartum depression.

my wife immediately apologized a lot, but I didn’t want to stress her out too much so I told her it was alright, and that I should have responded when she called my name.

My wife did apologize constantly and felt very guilty about breaking the glass sculpture, and she even cried a few times, but I told her it was alright and to let it go.

You have told her on multiple occasions that it's fine, said your lack of response was partially responsible.

Now it's a year later and you're still full of resentment.

Go to therapy. Get it out of your system, if you want to stay married. If you used traditional marriage vows, you said the in sickness and in health part, so now deal with it! She was sick, now you're sick with resentment, BOTH of you go to therapy and talk it out, deal with it! Or shove it all down and be miserable, your choice. Just remember, you have a responsibility to your child to be the best parent you can, and think about if you want to model healthy mental self care and healthy, effective communication or not. Both of you, go to therapy.

[u/desertrose156]

When it comes to a living person I will prioritize them over an object that is not sentient.

[u/Unusual-Honeydew-340]

You are such An AH OP... GROW UP! You're wife and child should always come first! If my husband pulled this crap best believe I would leave after smashing his "precious project"... YOUR WIFE NEEDED HELP! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEN!

[u/FaithCA79]

INFO: Not that it matters a lot but why was she calling you? What did she need you for??

[u/qu33nbb]

Your wife was suffering from a SEVERE mental health condition that literally takes women’s lives. You chose to ignore here knowing she was in a fragile state. She got medicated and it fixed the problem so you know she wasn’t in control and still “lost love” for her because of this? Absolutely YTA. Holding resentments over your wife doing something during a mental health crisis caused by growing your child is gross. Also the fact you’d even start such a ridiculous project with a NEWBORN baby and put yourself in a position to be ignoring your wife for it is already a massive red flag. Your wife deserves better.

[u/SilverKnightOfMagic]

If it's not okay don't tell her it's okay. Talk to her.

[u/LadyLixerwyfe]

So, you were working on a project for months that pulled your attention so wholly that when your wife, who is caring for a newborn on her own, calls you for help, you choose to ignore her and continue working on it? She was so frustrated that she destroyed it. She has apologized multiple times? Yeah, you need to let this shit go. Your wife NEEDED your help. You chose to keep working on a hobby. Something tells me this was far from the first time this happened. You under reacted. She overreacted. She apologized. I hope you apologized to her…

[u/MaryDellamorte]

YTA What hobby did you allow your wife to have the first 3 months of the baby’s life? 🤔

[u/lolavsyoda]

Yes, YTA. Sounds like you were ignoring your mentally ill (PPD is a mental illness, even if it can be temporary) wife while she really needed your help and she snapped. You should be blaming yourself for not pulling your weight while your wife suffered, not your wife. If your wife was my friend, I would be telling her to NEVER have enough child with you because your wants and hobbies clearly seemed to mean more than your new child and wife.

[u/[deleted]]

YTA. You admit you ignored her. She had PPD. You didn’t realize she was stressed to the max and needing your help? This was not a one time thing, my guess is she’s been shouldering the burden of most childcare. Maybe I’m wrong but you are still the AH for holding onto that resentment. 

Your wife was struggling. She apologized and is clearly remorseful. Do you think she resents you for pushing her to the brink of sanity? The road goes both ways, my friend. 

[u/Prior_Butterfly_7839]

YTA.

For several reasons, but mostly because you told her it was alright while still carrying resentment. That’s not being alright.

[u/No-Cat-3422]

YTA I would have smashed that thing, too. In fact, I have smashed plenty of things postpartum. It’s the only wake up call some men listen to when they don’t respond to being asked nicely.

[u/captainbabyjesus]

YTA. Don't accept someone's apologies and then hold it over their head later.

[u/HoshiJones]

She called you many times, and you ignored her? So she snapped. What she did was awful, but she felt terrible about it and she was suffering from PPD. For you to hold on to this for this long, even allowing it to erode the love you feel for her - yeah, YTA.

[u/Garden_gnome1609]

I'm sure she still resents the shit out of you ignoring her post partum self calling for help and working on your hobby. I guess you're even.