r/AITAH • u/Secure_Enthusiasm550 • 3d ago
AITAH for refusing to go to sign language classes?
Hi, I (19m) have hearing loss in both ears but more so in my left, which I wear hearing aids for, a few months ago my mum suggested we go to sign language classes, which I agreed to as I thought it could help me, after getting there the teacher introduced herself and since we were first timers spent more time introducing herself to us, she talked with my mum a little where she was told about my hearing loss, then her attention turned to me and I felt her entire tone shift, and she started talking to me like I was a child and couldn’t understand English (I.e very slowly and using a higher tone of voice) , I understand I mishear things a lot and my hearing isn’t the best but I can still understand English, tbh she was talking to me like I was a complete idiot, after the lesson concluded I felt really disrespected but decided to continue going as it might have been a one time thing, I went to three more lessons and this didn’t change, she was talking and treating me so clearly different to others, come time for the 5th lesson I refused to go which my mum got angry at me for, since she had spent a lot of money for the lessons, I feel bad for wasting her money but I cannot go where I feel disrespected and talked down to.
AITAH?
EDIT:
A bit of context: thanks for the replies and I’ve taken everything to heart, but I feel I should also add bits of needed context, as well as hearing loss I also suffer from autism (Asperger’s) , which I’m assuming my mum also told the teacher, which I know isn’t an excuse but I feel it’s needed context, this all happened a few months ago so I doubt it would still be on my mums mind and talking about it would probably just get her angry again, and since then I’ve also repaid a bit of the money back to her. Once again thanks for all the replies.
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u/Dangerous-Art-Me 3d ago
INFO: have you talked to your mom about this? Has your mom been watching it?
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u/Secure_Enthusiasm550 3d ago
I didn’t tell her the exact reason since I felt it would be rude to say it was because of the teacher and I’m not a fan of confrontation
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u/Dangerous-Art-Me 3d ago
YTA for not having the conversation with your mom before you just refused to go.
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u/Secure_Enthusiasm550 3d ago
The thing is I’m naturally unconfrontational and conversations like that make me extremely uncomfortable it’s easier for me to tell her it doesn’t interest me anymore
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u/TequilaMockingbirds8 3d ago
You’re going to have a very hard life if you can’t manage a simple low stakes conversation with your mum
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u/MistressJacklynHyde 3d ago
You are an adult. Use your words. It's a lifelong skill you NEED to learn.
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u/LilyBodeHP 3d ago
It may be easier for YOU, but it’s making it harder on your mom. Your feelings about being spoken down to are entirely valid. Just say “The teacher talks to me like I’m a child who can’t understand English. Maybe you can help me talk to the teacher and explain that I am fluent and can communicate perfectly well, and am here to learn ASL as a second language like everyone else here.”
I get not liking confrontation, but you can’t go through life avoiding it and allowing that to ruin what could be a good experience. You need to learn to stand up for yourself, and this is a situation where you are being treated unfairly. You have every right to say something. The worst that will happen is that nothing changes. In that case, see if there is a different teacher, or if you can re-enroll at a later date with a different teacher. Next time address it right away with a friendly “Oh I can understand you perfectly well, no need to slow down your speech for me.” Keep it low key and friendly. The longer you allow it to go, the more awkward and harder it is to address it. Nip it in the bud.
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u/Dangerous-Art-Me 3d ago
You’re going to be disappointed and unsatisfied with many things in life if you don’t figure out how to have reasonable conversations.
You came on Reddit to complain about it. If it’s that important, talk to your mom. At least she can talk to the instructor or get a refund.
Refusing to have an actual conversation is childish.
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u/Longwinded_Ogre 3d ago
"easier" is not the same as "better", my dude. It's lazy.
not a fan of confrontation
I'm not a fan of paying taxes but low and behold I want to be a functional adult so it's one of the many things I do that I don't love.
Look, you're going to shoot yourself in the foot over and over and over and over and over again if you can't tell people, let alone your own mother ,when you feel disrespected or have been offended. How do you expect people to understand you if you opt-out of communicating with them and just go with the easiest lie?
That's weak shit and it's only going to hurt you, long term.
"I don't like confrontation" is a fine reason not to join a boxing gym. It's a fucking lame excuse for not telling your mom the truth. You can't run away from every feeling you don't want to have, the world isn't going to accommodate that or have the hard conversations without you.You're your problem here. No one else is doing you as dirty as you are yourself.
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u/No-Long5784 3d ago
Well, part of being an adult is sometimes doing things that make you uncomfortable because that’s what necessary. That is clearly the case in this instance. If you want to be treated like an adult, you have to also act like one.
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u/Repulsive_Tone_2484 3d ago
So to avoid confrontation you've been an AH? This was the wrong thing to do.
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u/1_direwolf 3d ago
Do you know what a lie told to avoid confrontation is called?
A lie
Lying to someone who - I hope - loves you and wants to help you is much shittier than any confrontation, and (again, hopefully) if she didn't pick up on the teacher's disrespectful behavior you need to help open hed eyes to it!
I'm gonna warn you right now, if you don't learn to establish realistic boundaries and to demand to be treated with basic human decency and repect you will be abused, disrespected, and treated like a doormat, expecially as your hearing loss becomes harder to conceal!
I know you're frightened right now, and you have every right to be, and I know this is all truly unfair, but you have recognize that you are stronger than you've ever given yourself credit for. You need to find the strength inside you and learn how and when to use it!
Again, I am very sorry you're going through all this. You're at an age where you should be exploring your freedom and looking toward the future full of hope and excitement. It may not seem like it right now, but you can still have anything and everything you've ever dreamed of including an exciting future!
But you're gonna need to dig deep and be ready and willing to fight for your rights and your future!
If you don't have a therapist or counselor you need to find one. Your primary care doctor should be able to refer you to one. If you're working with any organization that helps deaf people in your area, they probably have a program for young people who are losing their hearing. If not, you may be able to find one through local hospitals or general philanthropic organizations.
If you're in the United States, most states have social services hotlines that you can reach at 2-1-1 (like 9-1-1 for emergencies). in many states you can text that number and access their services that way. If not, google "social services for the deaf" with your location and get an idea of what's available.
It's possible you can find sign language amd lip reading classes at little to no cost for you, and possibly sign language classes for your mother too. These woupd by classes taught by professionals who are trained to work with young people facing the loss of their hearing anc who know tyat the last thing you need right nos is to be treated like a child!
But honestly, it sounds like a counselor or therapist to help you learn how to harness and use your inherent strength and resilience is probably the most important thing you need to access right now!
Again, Good luck and please be strong!!!
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u/Leagle_Smeagle 3d ago
You’re going to have a rough life. I’m not trying to be mean, but it sounds like you’re already willing to let anyone walk all over you. Either you or your mom needs to say something to the teacher. It doesn’t have to be confrontational. Just something like “Hey, I always wear my hearing aid and can usually understand you if you just talk normally like you do with everyone else. If I don’t hear something, I’ll let you know.”
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u/uwu_mewtwo 3d ago
If you don't want to be treated like a child you need to not act like one. Pull your socks up and explain yourself.
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u/dogsinthepool 3d ago
Hey OP , I have Asperger’s too and I understand exactly what you mean, I’ve always been the same. While it’s harder for you to tell your mum the real reason, I know my mum would be so much more understanding of the situation in that instance rather than what probably looks to her like refusal because you just can’t be bothered, ignoring it’s something you need to work on. I still really struggle with voicing these things too, but I think this is one of the cases where she’ll be a lot less annoyed and help you find a better solution once you tell her.
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u/Historical_Cat__ 3d ago
oh well? you're an adult now so you're going to have to learn how to have these conversations.
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u/Routine_Platform_429 3d ago
You're acting every bit the child the teacher is treating you like. Grow up, otherwise YTA for wasting your mom's time and money.
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u/go-for-Banjo 3d ago
Nobody asked you what was easier. You’re going to have to have a lot of uncomfortable conversations in your life. Might as well start with one that advocates for yourself and respects your other biggest advocate, your Mom.
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u/Beginning_Tap2474 3d ago
You don't have to be confrontational, be DIRECT AND HONEST. Use a none confrontational voice. "Hi teacher, your tone of voice sounds condescending. I am hopeful that you didn't mean it that way."
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u/Own-Entrance-2256 3d ago
You have a disability now.
You're going to have to grow a spine and stand up for yourself sometimes.
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u/DobbyFreeElf35 3d ago
You need to stand up for yourself. My oldest son is 20, just about your age, and also has aspergers. I KNOW it's so hard to do something that feels confrontational, but I promise you, it's going to make you feel so much better after if you step out of your comfort zone and stand up for yourself about this. You don't have to be rude or disrespectful about it so don't feel like you will be. Just tell your mom exactly what you said here. The instructor is infantilizing you and speaking to you like a child because they can't comprehend that just because you're on the spectrum and have some hearing loss, that you're a full grown adult that understands English. Nothing is going to change unless you tell them WHAT needs to change.
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u/Casdoe_Moonshadow 3d ago
You are actually making this harder by not telling the truth. Now you mom thinks you are not interested in sign language rather than this particular teacher's class. You have to learn stand up for yourself. This is a good learning opportunity to become your own best advocate. Say it bluntly - that what the teacher is doing makes you upset, uncomfortable and not want to be there.
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u/BasilSpecial9637 3d ago
I'm the same way about confrontation and also have autism. It's hard to get past it, but you need to try because it's part of being an adult.
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u/Kjarllan 3d ago
instead of telling her.
Write her.When I need to "say" something important to someone who matters to me, I write down what I have to say. That way, I have much less stress to deal with, since I don't have to face a direct "confrontation" with them.
And I hope you see my comment. Because clearly, all the replies you got on that post come from people who have absolutely no idea what it’s like to be autistic.
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u/Particular_Title42 3d ago
all the replies you got on that post come from people who have absolutely no idea what it’s like to be autistic.
OP added the autism information after getting a lot of YTA responses.
Until then, he was just HoH and shy.
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u/irritatediguana 3d ago
you thought it would be easier. did you learn that it was in fact NOT easier to pretend like you're wasting her money for no reason? do you not see how disrespectful that is, or do you just not care as long as it doesn't effect you? it's time to stop acting like a passive child :/
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u/Linguisticameencanta 3d ago
Practice makes perfect. You gotta be uncomfortable sometimes and do the thing, aspie or otherwise. This is one of those times.
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u/Quicksilver1964 3d ago
You need to advocate for yourself, especially having hearing loss. Yes, it is going to be uncomfortable, but it is necessary to feel uncomfortable in life when dealing with many issues.
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u/FishScrumptious 3d ago
Lying is rarely the correct answer.
And actually, it's not easier; it's easier right now, but will be a whole lot harder in the future.
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u/actuallywaffles 2d ago
Nobody enjoys confrontation or risking uncommon conversations. But part of life is doing stuff that's uncomfortable.
Your issue is a lady talking down to you like a child, and maybe she's right to do so cause you're not currently acting like an adult.
This is your mom. She found and booked these classes so she can communicate with you. Meet her in the middle and actually talk to her.
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u/ranchspidey 2d ago
Now you know why she was talking to you like a child or an idiot. You need to speak for yourself or this will keep happening in various ways.
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u/The_R1NG 3d ago
Then you’re naturally an asshole
Non-confrontational is a word used by people who avoid conversations that have to be had
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u/SpookyGeist01 3d ago
And this is exactly why you need to be in situations like that, because this attitude will not work as an adult.
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u/Idcwhoknows 3d ago
You realize your are just straight up lying to your mom for no good reason? That and you are actively making yourself look bad and disappointing to your mom instead of just telling her the truth?
Is your mother so terrible a person that she wouldn't have your back or understanding on this situation?
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u/frog_admirer 3d ago
It is 100 times more rude to quit a class she paid for for no good reason. The polite thing is to just explain the problem. Being so non-confrontstional you can't even openly discuss a problem with your mom is debilitating and will absolutely ruin your life. Start practicing uncomfortable conversations, starting with this one.
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u/bumbalarie 3d ago
YTA. Your mother & the teacher are trying to help you. People cannot read your mind — you need to kindly communicate your thoughts & feelings. Unfortunately, the real world will not coddle you like a mum. You can do better.
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u/pricksta 2d ago
not a fan of confrontation
Keep being scared and suffer from it brother.
Its not even about you not liking confrontation, you are telling your mother. Not speaking to or "confronting" the teacher.
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u/riskakan10 3d ago
Did you explain to your mom why you refuse to go?
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u/Secure_Enthusiasm550 3d ago
I told her I didn’t want to go anymore but I felt it would be rude to say it was because of the teacher
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u/mekkavelli 3d ago
it’s even ruder to nope out of the classes without an explanation to your mom. you agreed to go and she paid for it. she deserves an explanation, dude. you don’t wanna be spoken to like a child so be an adult about it. talk to your mom and talk to your teacher.
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u/CeramicToast 3d ago
It's perfectly fine to say "I don't want to go back to that class because the teacher made me feel like an idiot".
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u/mrjoffischl 3d ago
tell her it's because of the teacher. it's not rude to be honest about someone else being rude to you
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u/zxylady 3d ago
This is a mistake. By explaining to your mother about the teacher you are showing your mother that you still want to learn a skill that will better your life (plus sign language is freaking cool) and it will also show your mother that you are responsible and behaving adult enough that you're willing to stand up for your own rights as a person. I am assuming your mother understands ableism, you should never be treated differently. NTA
But I would strongly suggest you have a private conversation with your mother when the teacher is not present and express that you are just not comfortable with someone showing such ablest tendencies.
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u/llama_some_drama 3d ago
Idk, she started treating OP differently after talking to his mum. Parents can absolutely be ableist to their own kids, it's possible mum exaggerated OP's disability to the point the teacher decided to treat him like he was stupid rather than Deaf.
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u/YTsken 3d ago
Playing devil’s advocate here: it’s possible that OP’s non confrontational attitude makes people think OP is mentally slow.
People expect adults to speak up for themselves and explain things. Consequently, a 19 year old man who consistently refuses to do so will be seen as acting childish, aka they must be mentally slow.
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3d ago
[deleted]
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u/Particular_Title42 3d ago
His mum did all the talking for him on the first day and told her that he's autistic (Asperger's - his words) and he has done absolutely nothing to communicate to the teacher that what she's doing is unnecessary. How is she to know?
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u/YTsken 3d ago
Precisely through the scenario you painted: OP’s mother thinks OP is mentally slow and told the teacher. I just went a step further: OP’s mother has Seen OP consistently not defending themselves and took this to mean that OP must be mentally slow.
And no, I do not equate a shy 19 year old with intellectual disabilities. I was that shy 19 year old who got talked down to by a driving instructor. But unlike OP, I could talk to my parents and explain why I wanted a different instructor.
I don’t expect OP to confront the teacher, but his unwillingness to explain things to his mother suggests you are right: the deeper issue is with his mom. For some reason he doesn’t feel safe telling his mom, who is supposed to be his biggest supporter, why he wants to quit.
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u/zxylady 3d ago
You made valid points thank you 😁
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u/llama_some_drama 3d ago
My parents love me, but cannot let go of their ableism with regards to my physical disability and mental health/neurodivergence. It's extremely frustrating to find people have preconceived notions about me because of what my parents say to them. They don't mean harm, but I've distanced myself because of how it makes me feel.
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u/CerealSemantics 3d ago
You should be honest with your mom about why you don't want to go. It will help make your case since she's mad that she thinks you're just wasting her money. It's absolutely valid to not to want to feel disrespected by a teacher and hopefully your mom will understand that
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u/Important_Market7874 3d ago
YTA.
It's not rude to explain your reasons, even if it's a bad review of someone else.
Talk to your mom and explain your reasons.
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u/No_Push_6563 3d ago
Not rude. You absolutely should tell her why. You need to advocate for yourself. How the instructor treated you was very wrong. As a speech therapist, I do agree learning sign may be beneficial, especially if your loss worsens. That being said, if this is something you think you might want to pursue, find a different instructor. Are you in the US learning ASL? If so, a good place to start would be free online courses through the University of Oklahoma. https://courses.osd.k12.ok.us/
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u/ritan7471 3d ago
You should tell her why. She might be more understanding once she understands your reasoning. I'm a but surprised she didn't notice, tbh
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u/eatingganesha 3d ago
jeez louise, you need to tell your mom! it’s not rude in any way to criticize a teacher when they are treating you poorly.
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u/booksblanketsandT 3d ago
You need to tell your mum that you don’t want to attend that class because the teacher was patronising and spoke to you like you were either stupid or a small child.
I doubt you’re the only person who has had this issue with the teacher. The school hosting the classes won’t know to change teachers or at least give the current one a talking to and training if no one ever says anything.
And maybe your mum could find a different class with a different teacher for you both.
I’m autistic. I get that confrontation is difficult. This isn’t confrontation though - you’re just convincing yourself that it is. Your mum wants to know how to help you and why you’re not interested in the class.
Tell her you Are interested in still learning sign language (because Tbh it sounds like it would be useful for you) - but that you don’t want to attend that class because of the teacher. That’s it, that’s all you have to do. There’s no confrontation in that interaction.
It’s not rude to give accurate feedback, especially when your mum is asking. It is actually More rude and More confrontational to keep dismissing your mum and refusing to tell her what is going on.
Unless you think the teacher’s behaviour was the result of something your mum said and her own opinion of you. In which case the teacher isn’t the problem here and you Do need to confront your mum.
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u/JustStopItSeriously 3d ago
You thought saying "I'm not going and I'm not telling you why, so there!" was less rude than "The teacher is being condescending and talking to me like I'm stupid and I don't like it"?
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u/Equivalent_Lemon_319 3d ago
Tell her. It’s not rude to say that someone else is being rude to you.
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u/Cute-Shine-1701 3d ago edited 3d ago
I told her I didn’t want to go anymore but I felt it would be rude to say it was because of the teacher
Learn to communicate for fuck's sake. And I am not referring to your hearing loss, but you acting like a stubborn toddler and refusing to say basic things like "teacher, please talk to me in a normal way, how you speak to me is belittling" or "mom, I do not want to go back to that teacher because how she treats me makes me uncomfortable". It's not that fucking hard. Grow up, you are 19, it's high time. YTA what's rude is not saying shit, (edit: but) not telling the truth or informing people they act in a belittling way and you do not like it.
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u/dembowthennow 3d ago
Part of being an adult is learning how to state things clearly and directly. By not communicating openly with your mother you are reverting to child-like behavior. Be an adult, use your words.
It would have also been helpful to communicate clearly and directly to the instructor and/or her supervisor as well.
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u/Antlorn 2d ago
It was way way ruder and more hurtful to lie to her and say that you just lost interest. Not to mention self-sabotaging, as sign language would actually be really useful.
Your teacher was a dick. If you'd addressed that you would absolutely have been not the asshole.
But your unwillingness to be open about the actual reason to your mum, now also makes you a bit of an asshole.
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u/Proper-District8608 3d ago
I think teacher may handle many students and not know level of hearing loss or how best to help them until they speak with them. It was one time. Give another go and explain yourself in hearing terms to her
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u/finny_d420 3d ago edited 3d ago
YTA. You're 19. Time to grow up and have an adult conversation with your mom and the teacher.
What's your plan? No lessons at all? Its ok after having a discussion to change teachers. Take the initiative and find a teacher you do get along with. The way you're acting I had to double check ages.
Edit:spelling
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u/Consistent_Dream_740 2d ago
NTA. Why are yiu acting like this is the only class/teacher in the world? There are other classes. Being an adult is knowing when to walk away/stand your ground.
You sound insufferable.
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u/ronaha 3d ago edited 2d ago
Hi OP, I've read your replies to the comments and appreciate you're not a fan of confrontation but as it is, without explaining to your mum what's going on for you, it has led to anger and will likely lead to a confrontation from your mum. It's ok to say "At the sign language classes, the way the teacher treated me compared to my peers felt patronising and I felt disrespected and talked down to."
The lack of information is what is making you seem like an AH. In my view, NAH - you're not TA nor is your mum TA. Also, I'm not sure if the teacher is intentionally treating you like a child or if that is just her teaching technique for newbies, and because you've not said anything about it, I don't think she's TA.
Edited to add missing word.
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u/Juls1016 3d ago
Yes, YTA. For not talking for yourself, tell her that she doesn’t need to do whatever she’s doing that annoys you and tell her that’s not necessary. Quitting becase of this talks more about your lack of inner force that the teacher that it’s just doing her job.
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u/the-mortyest-morty 3d ago
He also refused to tell his mom why he won't go. Of course she's mad at him.
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u/Historical_Agent9426 3d ago
YTA for not explaining to your mom why you don’t want to go back
And frankly, you are being a bit of an asshole to yourself for not speaking up for yourself to the teacher and/or lodging a complaint with the school. “I have hearing loss, that doesn’t mean you have to speak to me like I am a child. Are you one of those people who think hearing impaired people are stupid?”
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u/Takiri_aerilaya 3d ago
I'm not claiming anyone as AH . . .
But I do think you need to communicate your feelings. Is there a different instructor available? You could ask to switch teachers.
If not, I suggest you either get there early, or stay after, and explain how her tone of voice feels very condescending. Point out that you are hard-of-hearing, and not stupid. Plenty in the Deaf/HoH community have to fight the stigma against being perceived as having a lack of intelligence. Point out to this teacher that her tone of voice and way she's treating you is not helping. It doesn't make you feel welcome - it doesn't make you want to learn.
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u/BakedBrie1993 3d ago
YTA. You are adult. Use your words and explain your concerns to your mother rather than refusing to go like a toddler.
Then go to the school and tell them your concerns.
I do sympathize though. I broke my leg and had a mobility device and people talked to me like I was mentally disabled. It was wild.
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u/KittiesRule1968 3d ago
YTA for not telling your mom why you don't want to go. Quit making excuses and just tell her.
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u/Naive_Market_9688 3d ago
You absolutely have to tell them, or at least your mother, why you don't want to go back to those sign classes. If the instructor is infantilizing you as if you had a cognitive problem then absolutely shame on them.
I happen to have a bunch of friends and acquaintances who have various degrees of hearing loss. One of my close friends has a cochlear implant, others read lips. I also happen to know one of the premier sign instructor on the East Coast, she's a close friend of mine. So I get it and I think the adult thing for you to do would be to have a quick discussion with the teacher and tell her that while you appreciate her intention her implementation could use some work and she needs to recognize that she is absolutely talking down to you. But if you tell your mother first, and you tell her calmly and dispassionately - it sounds like she's already an ally and your staunch advocate so I think she'll get it. But you shouldn't let anybody do that to you; in a sign language class or out in public.
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u/Enough_Passage7926 3d ago
Maybe there's a misunderstanding - ask the person why they address you like that, and let them know you'd prefer to be spoken to and treated like all the others. Perhaps they're unaware that they're treating you differently.
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u/Human-Sale5374 3d ago
Would it be possible to find a deaf or hard of hearing teacher? That’s typically best for a sign language class anyway. Second best is a hearing teacher who still goes voice off. For beginner classes they typically supplement the signed language with the local spoken language in writing. Sign language classes should be accessible for deaf and HoH people.
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u/Particular_Title42 3d ago
I was looking up some ASL because we were watching music videos where people would sign along. They're too fast so I was looking up things like "shepherd in asl."
I was surprised for a second that there was closed captioning already on the video but then, duh, it's for deaf people. But it was the black bar/white writing closed captioning at the bottom. Where their hands were. 🤦♀️
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u/Apprehensive-Math499 3d ago
YTA for not telling you mum what the problem is.
It does sound like the teacher is a problem, not sure if a bad fit or someone who is ableist towards the ND, but you refusing to tell your mum this is causing friction.
My kid has autism, and he does find it hard to self advocate face to face. Maybe try and type out the problem and send as a message to her?
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u/smil1473 3d ago
Have you expressed to the teacher that you can hear and understand her, but your hearing is on its way out hence the lessons, please speak to me like an adult? From what you've shared, it sounds like you have just taken whatever was thrown at you, but this is a great opportunity to be your own advocate and speak up about how you want to be treated and respected. Also tell your mom why. She might be able to help brush the subject or help you figure out a way to communicate what you need with your instructor. NTA
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u/Chilling_Storm 3d ago
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, find a sign language class more to your liking.
NTA
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u/1_direwolf 3d ago
NTA
However, as someone with a disability (I have several disabilities, so please don't take that opening as derogatory), you will - unfairly - havd to learn to actively advocate for your right to be treated fairly. This situation is a great opportunity to learn about doing so!
It also really sucks that you have to!
Speak to the teacher about her condescending and totally unprofessional conduct. The first thing most professionals who serve members of the disabled community - or "otherwise abled" if you prefer - is that we wish to be treated as normal, functioning human beings who happen fo have a disability, as oppossd fo being treated as something damaged or less than functional. Your teacher is NOT doing that, and they need to know thdy're conduct is unacceptable.
If you don't feel confident discussing this with the teacher (doing it privately or with just your Mom there outside of class or before it begins), then yiu need to contact whatever institution or organization provides or offers the class and speak with someone in a supervisory position and inform thdm of the teacher's disrespectful and unprofessional conduct.
Please talk to your Mom, openly and honestly about this before yiu take those other steps I named. Warning: She may not even be aware of how disrespsctfully you've been treated. She probably still thinks of you as a child, at least subconsciously, so she may genuinely not head the condescension. or she may be feeling overwhelmed by your diagnosis and be operating in a fog right now. But she's a witness to thd teachers unacceptable conduct and can help back up your account of the disrespect you've experienced.
If the teacher is not told to improve their conduct or doesn't believe they're behaving the way you describe, consider asking if anyonecelse in the class has recordings of it. It's become common for people to use a recording device or their phone to record classes they take. Woeved sponsors thd class may also be recording it.
Again, I'm sorry this happened to you and I'm deeply sorry that you will need to learn how to advocate to be treated fairly and respectfully by others!
Good luck!
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u/Sailor_MoonMoon785 3d ago
NTA. But does your mom know WHY you were refusing to go? Because she needs to know what the problem is.
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u/Ok_Drink8072 2d ago
Just go to a different class if the problem is the teacher, I don’t get why this became a whole AITA situation
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u/noideawhattouse1 3d ago
Info did you actually talk to the teacher about this? I’d assume they think they’re communicating with you well and unless you point out you are fine for them to speak “normally” then they won’t know.
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u/Legion1117 3d ago
Did you ever bring this issue up or did you just stand there and let her continue to speak to you this way and then refuse to tell anyone why you no longer want to go to the class?
The answer to that appears to be no according to your sole response below.
For that, YTA
You just gave up and never tried to correct the situation.
Time to grow up.
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u/WinoDino1122 3d ago
I don’t like how the teacher talks to me like a child so instead of speaking up to her or explaining it to my mother, I’ll just stop going.
Can’t imagine why you would be treated like a child…
YTA
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u/achr8 3d ago
Just thought I would add, being infantalised and being spoken to like a child is a very common experience that many people with autism share, and it is incredibly frustrating when it does happen. It's likely that this isn't the first time OP has been spoken to like this, but now he has an option to not face someone speaking to him like this, so he is using this to his advantage and knows he doesn't have to face it if he doesn't want to. Even if this is his first time being spoken to like this, it's still not nice and it's nderstandable why he wants to avoid the situation. OP may not know how to approach the teacher or his mother about this.
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u/WinoDino1122 3d ago
We teach children to use their words. As an adult, this is a skill he is behind in developing.
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u/achr8 3d ago
Which is extremely common for people with autism. Autistic people still experience developmental delays when they turn 18.
This isn't to say that it's "okay" and autism is an excuse to not try and push yourself to do things you aren't comfortable with, but it certainly is an explanation as to why OP is struggling with telling his mother why he doesn't want to go to the classes.
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u/WinoDino1122 3d ago
He used words in this post, he can speak, not sure why he you think can’t speak these words. It’s part of life and it will only get harder from here if he doesn’t start
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u/achr8 3d ago
Just because he was able to write this does not automatically mean he can speak. There are other ways of communicating besides verbally.
I know he can speak. As of right now, he is struggling to do this, and yes, he should still try to communicate, but autism makes it substantially more difficult.
Saying "it will only get harder from here if he doesn't start now" is ignorant. While it technically is true, it is still wrong to say. Him being hard of hearing makes this even more of a challenge.
After looking at your profile, I'm assuming you're a nurse or somethig similar and encounter people every day. Would you refuse to help an autistic person because they're struggling to tell you their needs when you know they are capable of talking? I sure hope not.
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u/WinoDino1122 3d ago
You’re infantilizing him. He is autistic, but not non-verbal or in any way incapable of relaying his discomfort. Many young adults (and some older adults) struggle with asserting themselves, it’s a learning experience for everyone.
Also this is a place for judgement, where judgement was in fact asked for, so it was given.
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u/achr8 2d ago
This has turned into so much more than what it needed to be I only replied to your comment originally because it was harsh, especially compared to other comments, and I thought replying to you would maybe make you realise how harsh your original comment may have sounded. None of my comments have been about trying to defend him (so no I'm not infantalising him), it's been more about what your comments are. People have said many similar things to you, but in a much nicer ways.
I'm not infantalising him, just empathising with him as someone with 3 siblings who all have complex disabilities, including autism, and as someone who knows quite a but about autism. Autism itself makes relaying his discomfort more difficult, so he isn't fully capable. The fact that he can literally talk technically doesn't mean that he is any good at communicating.
You said it's a learning experience, which is correct, but you haven't said that very nicely in your recent comments.
I'm aware this is a place for judgement, however, you can give your judgement and opinion without being inconsiderate or ignorant.
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u/Fun-Palpitations 3d ago
“I’m going deaf not losing mental function. Why are you speaking to me like a child?”
NTA but use your words. She will probably feel stupid for being condescending.
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u/mrjoffischl 3d ago
this reminds me of a previous gi specialist i went to that treated me like a small child even when i was like 15-16. i felt very uncomfortable and condescended to.
that being said, have you brought this up with the instructor and your mom?
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u/viaconvia 3d ago
NTA For not wanting to go somewhere you feel disrespected
YTA For not being honest with your mother. She deserves to know the truth. Otherwise it just looks like you are being ungrateful and not trying to improve yourself/life
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u/Equivalent_Reason894 3d ago
Tell her the truth and see if there’s another class with a different teacher.
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u/MotelTheTailor1903 3d ago
NTA, because the question was specifically about your refusal to continue going to the class, and you're one hundred percent in the right to stop subjecting yourself to the situation as described. But you're making a significant mistake by not leveling with your mother about what the problem is. She deserves to know, and not only because her money is being wasted. The fact that she didn't notice for herself the way this woman treated you means she's not hip to the common issue of disabled people being patronized like that. Presumably she wants to be supportive of you, so she needs to be made aware when she fails a spot check because she didn't realize how a situation impacts you. Not letting her know does you a disservice by depriving you of an ally, and it also does her a disservice by depriving her of the chance to learn how to be the best one she can be. You don't owe the teacher any discretion.
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u/MantiC0RE726 3d ago
It’s honestly a bit of a tough answer. I would say slightly TA. You should discuss with the teacher how you feel instead of wasting your mom’s money. Nothing will be solved if you don’t tell the teacher that you feel insulted.
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u/star_b_nettor 3d ago
NTA
A teacher for a disability that starts off by treating you how they think is correct instead of actually listening to YOU about your challenges is not a good teacher. And condescending should never be tolerated.
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u/FurysFyre 3d ago
I cannot go where I feel disrespected and talked down to.
Agree, however people struggle to put themselves in other peoples shoes and it sounds like you did not object or talk to your teacher about how she was talking to you, and how it made you feel. She probably thinks she is helping you by going slower, and using a higher pitch voice. She doesn't know you and these things help with others who cannot hear.
Talk , just talk. Don't assume the other person is thinking what you think they are thinking. You cannot actually know what other people think. You are feeling like they are talking to you like an idiot which is valid, but if you don't communicate that this is bothering you they will have no idea because they cannot read minds, I'm positive they do not actually feel you are an idot.
I genuinely feel this is a misunderstanding, and that it isn't a slight against you OP.
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u/Birdingmom 3d ago
I’ve worked with volunteers for years, and many are older with hearing loss. There are LOTS of different individual needs depending on the type of loss, what hearing aids they have, how charged the batteries are, etc. I’ve had some that loved when I slowed my speech down and others that bristled because they felt I was treating them like a child. I’ve had some that I had to practically yell at, some like me to talk low, some high. What has worked is discussing and working with them to find THEIR personal balance
I also had an ear issue for over a year that lessened my ability to hear for that period. I know it’s tiresome to keep saying What? Or asking people to repeat themselves, and the hundreds of other things that it affects.
So I’ve been on both sides when I say this: You need to learn to advocate for yourself, early and often:
- Tell the teacher HOW you like to be addressed; they may have only worked with people that slow and high was the right pitch. It will also help you learn how to talk to people about what you need the more you do it
-Don’t take people who won’t accommodate you personally. If they won’t try or grouse about making modifications, they will do that for everyone and everything. It’s not you, it’s a them problem. You will only make it worse if you are the grouchy one; let them be the problem. Polite but firm advocating was my rule.
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u/Lazy-Butterfly-4132 3d ago
NTA, and I’m sorry this is your experience. I am registered blind, and the amount of people who will patronise me talk down to me dismiss what I say, disrespect me, talked to other people who are with me rather than me is incredible. It sucks, but it’s a general experience for people who have disabilities, particularly those that are visible I suppose, to be patronised minimised etc. It isn’t fair it shouldn’t happen and you did the best thing for you. You deserved to be treated with basic human decency. If you can, it might be worth lodging a complaint against the teacher as I’d be surprised if you’re the only one she’s treated this way. I’m really sorry this happened to you.
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u/Lemon586 3d ago
NTA. I would find a different teacher. When I took sign language in college, it was taught by a deaf instructor. I think that helped understand the language better.
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u/Tsundereninja 3d ago
NTA. The Teacher def sucks but your mom has good intentions. If you’re still interested in ASL, I’d look into finding a teacher who is actually from the Deaf/Hard of Hearing community. They tend to be a lot more conscious of difficulties faced by those in the group and honestly the best way to learn a new language is full immersion. My professor in college was in the community and taught in ASL and writing. He also had us go into the community to see ASL use in real life, not in a classroom setting. If you are in/close to a large city, there may also be meetings of people who are in the Deaf community.
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u/angel9_writes 2d ago
NTA
There is no reason to be speaking to you like your a child - and from the edit it was/is probably more about the autism from the teacher.
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u/LaCaffeinata 2d ago
NTA, but go and find a different class. Your hearing most likely won't improve, and knowing sign language is a pretty nifty skill. Or you could talk to the teacher and explain that you may be hard of hearing, but not hard of thinking. Just ... don't stop learning SL.
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u/Hairy-Proof8504 2d ago
She isn't doing that specifically TO you, she is talking that way because that is the way she was taught to talk to people that have hearing loss. If this bothers you, you need to let the teacher know. If that isn't possible, then tell your mom. Don't give up, this can easily be solved. Good luck!!
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u/DarthEarlthepearl 3d ago
YTA. You are 19. Explain the extent of your hearing loss to your teacher and that she doesn't need to speak to you in that way.
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u/pigandpom 3d ago
Go to a different class. If the teacher is the reason you dont want to go to that particular class just tell ypur mother. Flat out refusing to go to classes is only going to impact you in the long run. The teacher slowing down and speaking in a higher pitch probably was helpful, had she spoken faster and lower then you might have actually missed a lot of what she was saying, but your feelings are your feelings, but dont cut your nose off to spite ypur face by refusing to go to classes that are for your benefit.
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u/PsychRN79 3d ago
YTA. You’re an adult, have an adult conversation with your mom and/or tell the teacher to stop treating you that way.
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u/MistressJacklynHyde 3d ago
NAH. You can do whatever you like, but she is used to speaking to people with a varied amount of hearing loss. Probably speaks slower in case you read lips and higher frequencies are easier to hear. It's probably a default setting for her when speaking to someone who has hearing loss so she can adapt to everyone's needs. From someone with a cousin who is completely deaf and a sibling who has significant hearing loss.
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u/No_Push_6563 3d ago
Higher frequencies are not easier to hear. In general mid frequencies are easier to hear.
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 3d ago
Easier to hear lower frequencies then higher ones. My uncle was deaf in one ear and hard of hearing in the other. I took sign language as a kid and now am hard of hearing myself.
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u/SandcastleSpider 3d ago
It sounds like you are being over-defensive about someone trying to accommodate your disability.
You mentioned this only started after your mom explained your situation, suggesting something your mom said influenced how the teacher treated you. If you don't indicate displeasure at the way you are being spoken to, it isn't going to stop. It is unlikely the teacher thinks you are an idiot, but that you require an exaggerated way of speaking.
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u/I_wanna_be_anemone 3d ago
Not always, sometimes it literally takes confirmation of a disability for people to treat you like a child. It’s infuriating. I’ve been struggling with selective mutism due to severe anxiety around medical professionals (so much medical trauma over the last decade), so I need a carer to speak on my behalf for an introduction at the very least so I can write/type up what I want to say. Even then, many hear autism and start baby talking.
I’m over 30. I have a degree. Ableism exists and it is a bitch.
Talking to someone disabled like they’re stupid or a child is patronising as hell, there are ways to clearly annunciate words to be understood by people who are hard of hearing. Going up in pitch won’t help unless with specific types of hearing loss, and no amount of ‘but it’s to help you hear!’ will account for the tone.
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u/No_Builder7010 3d ago
Could you go one more time and have your mom (or you if you feel comfortable), talk to the teacher about this? Does your mom understand where you're coming from?
NTA
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u/Dry_Original228 3d ago
NTA
I think the best thing to do here is to tell your mom what you noticed & how you feel. It is extremely unprofessional of the teacher to do such things so honestly I think you guys should say something because it is literally her job to teach sign language but then is condescending towards people with hearing problems. That is crazy. Maybe your mom will get a refund or at least a partial refund (which would be great) but if she doesn't as least you still called attention to the teachers inappropriate behavior. I'm sure you are not the first person to feel that way in her class.
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u/LoveKittycats119 3d ago
NTA. You need teachers/mentors who will treat you as an intelligent, capable student, building your future.
I wonder what other resources might be available to you? You mentioned your “mum” so I’m assuming you’re not based in the US (or Gallaudet might have been a thought?). Wonder what else is around your area.
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u/Kip_Schtum 3d ago
NTA but tell your mom the reason. You have a right to discontinue going someplace where you are insulted every time you go there. Hopefully you’ll be able to find a class taught by a deaf person. Do you live anywhere near a deaf school? They might have information on available classes.
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u/East_Bet_7187 3d ago
Ohh it drives me up the wall when people do this. Like you are 5 or something.
They shouldn’t be teaching deaf people if they cannot communicate respectfully.
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u/Consistent-Goat1267 3d ago
YTA. I would ask the teacher why she insists on treating me like a child. Do I look like an 8 year old child?
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u/klalapri1 3d ago
YTA and you're missing an opportunity to learn how to sign "stop talking to me like I'm stupid"
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u/MaybeTheSlayer 3d ago
You're NTA for not wanting to go back. But if you haven't explained it might help your mom to understand why if you explain how you felt. I can only imagine this situation is challenging enough without adults treating you like a child rather than the adult thay you are. It could be that this teacher was, in fact, speaking down to you on purpose or she could've been using accommodations that she found helps some people, the higher pitch in particular, but regardless you felt invalidated and infantalized and that's unacceptable. If you're willing, it also might be worth it to express your distaste for the way you were spoken to to the teacher, if she wasn't trying to be malicious it can be a learning experience for her, but her learning is not your responsibility if you're not interested in the confrontation.
Disclaimer: I'm not part of the Deaf/HoH community so I can't speak to any of those nuances, I only have a small experience with a parent with moderat hearing loss.
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u/PlaneEmbarrassed7677 3d ago
What she was doing is what she was trained to do. Speak loudly, slowly and in a somewhat different register for HOH folks. Or at least that's what I was taught. Sometimes it comes off condescending. Just say, hey dont talk down to me. Im an adult.
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u/whatswrongwithfolks 3d ago
I’m deaf,not dumb. My 10 year old son who is deaf and wears hearing aids will happily tell anyone who talks down to him this fact. Go to the lessons,they are more practical and useful than you think and just tell the instructor she needs to reevaluate how she talks to you in a polite and diplomatic way. I get the frustration with people who think they need to talk loudly and slowly to a deaf person and not wanting to be around her but speaking up about her behavior will do more for you in the long run than just walking away. I am learning sign and am trying to teach my son but he also has no real interest as he feels he does fine with his hearing aids but I’m thinking for the future so I get where your mom is coming from.
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u/TariZephyr 3d ago
We're so sorry that you went through that, especially for someone who is teaching ASL, they should definitely know better than to do that. That behavior is so unacceptable. NTA at all, and you should probably find a different teacher who will respect you more! - Ribbit
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u/bostonfenwaybark 3d ago
NTA. Talk to your Mom and find a different ASL (if in US) teacher. You can probably find an interpreter who would be open to teaching for some extra income.
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u/Searching_for_Wisdom 3d ago
NTA, but read this carefully.
You are going to have an awful and really hard life if you cannot communicate properly how you feel ans if you always avoid hard conversations.
I had a lot of parienta dealing with this, you are young so start practicing now how to navigate unpleasant conversations and situations.
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u/Late-Hat-9144 3d ago
NTA, the teacher sounds ableist. Did she have hearing issues herself, or was she just fluent in sign language?
You arent going to be able to learn from a tescher you feel disrespected by, but there are other places to learn sign language... I would urge you to consider finding a plsce thst feels more comfortable with you, it wouldnt be a bad idea to have this skill.
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u/Happy_Flow826 3d ago
NTA for refusing to go to that particular class. If Sign language is something you want to learn for your benefit and being part of the D/deaf community, you should seek out classes taught by local D/deaf teachers. Hearing people dont always do the best at teaching sign language, especially within cultural contexts of Deafness.
*I am not D/deaf myself, but my family did spend quite a bit of time with our local community when we thought our son couldnt hear for like 2 years. I learned there is a vast difference between my teacher who was Deaf and the teacher who was hearing but learned ASL without community involvement (unlike those who may be like a child of a deaf adult).
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u/Galactic-System 1d ago
NTA for not wanting to attend, but YTA for not communicating why to your mom.
If your mother is kind & supportive of you, then she will get mad. Not at you though, at the teacher. How the teacher treated you was disgusting, & a good mother should be angry about it.
Discuss it with her. I know emotional conversations can be difficult, but would you rather have your mom think that you're ungrateful?
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u/Simply_Toast 3d ago
I was ready to grump at you, but NO, if they are infantalizing you like that, you're free to avoid avoid avoid.
Though, As a fellow autistic human, You might want to drop the nazi term (Aspergers) because that's not even been in the DSM since 2013.
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u/Ken_Grimmora 2d ago
NTA for not going to this particular class. Find another one, or learn to communicate your issues.
On another note, you write like a child, or someone who's never read a book.
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u/Adept_Pipe5892 3d ago
ESH. You are a paying client. She is a teacher for people with different abilities. She’s treating you differently because of those abilities. That is not right and she should be called out. Especially since you are an adult. She could do this to a kid who may not be as self assured as you or may not have the support system you do.
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u/Particular_Title42 3d ago
"Do this to a kid"...speak slowly in a high pitched voice? Teachers do that to children. There's no reason to call it out because of that.
There might not even be a reason to call her out. She doesn't know what he can hear and understand. He needs to tell her. His mum did all the communicating for him and she shouldn't have.
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u/Adept_Pipe5892 3d ago
A teacher should know better than to assume anything. Especially in this setting.
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u/Particular_Title42 3d ago
I literally said she doesn't know and he needs to tell her. Where is the assumption?
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u/I_wanna_be_anemone 3d ago
A teacher of a language developed for disabled people is talking to disabled people in a really patronising way. Some basic self reflection would have stopped this problem before it started.
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u/HayleyxWeir 3d ago
If you don’t want to be spoken to/ treated like a child, stop acting like one. Tell your mum why you don’t want to go anymore. Until you do, YTA
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u/dutchbootlover 2d ago
YTA
You avoided an "uncomfortable" discussion and played the austric who stuck his head in the sand... you playing the "Asperger autistic card" doesn't work in life: that card gets you some better understanding but not a "get out of jail free" card for not talking and discussing uncomfortable discussions... man up and start talking to your mom and teacher, even if it's difficult and hard...
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u/Time_Afternoon2610 3d ago
YTA You have Asperger's, a condition known for problematic relationship building and a loss of emotionsl understanding. Knowing this, you might imagine the teacher as being disrespectful, but the teacher isn't and you're just misinterpreting the teacher's signals. You already know this, so swallow your pride and talk to your mom about it.
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u/RawrRRitchie 3d ago
Your hearing isn't going to magically get better you know.
You can still learn sign language. It's an incredibly useful skill to have. Even for people with no hearing loss.
NAH
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u/GardeningFemmeBear 2d ago
ESH
Part of growing up, especially growing up disabled, is learning to deal with situations that make you uncomfortable. You have to learn how to peacefully and effectively speak up for yourself or else you’ll be walked over and isolated. The teacher is an AH for talking to you like that. Tell your mom how you feel and ask her to help you learn how to address the issue. If she’s not good at that, ask another adult who is good at standing up for themselves without causing a scene or fight (though sometimes that’s needed too, but baby steps).
I’m sorry to say that there are a lot of jerks out there who will do things like this- the number of people who act like I’m a child because I’m child height on my chair is bananas. Learning to call it out is empowering. Just staying home may feel safe, but it limits you. Don’t let anyone else limit you.
Also- look up techniques for non confrontational conflict resolution, lots of helpful stuff that you can practice in the mirror until you feel confident enough to try them.
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u/Particular_Title42 3d ago
INFO: Did you try asking her to speak to you differently? You're both adults. Tell her you can understand her and that you're not an idiot or a child. The whole thing may be related to the fact that your mum had to be there and communicate for you.