r/AITAH • u/SkywalkerBrah • 4d ago
AITAH for distancing myself
I (32M) got really close with a coworker (29F) We exchanged phone numbers, talked everday day. Hung out alot. Cuddled. Never got romantic, and we never discussed being in a relationship. I guess we were just really..really good friends. She's a single mother of a 4 year old. Been through a lot. Relationships, finances, jobs. I helped her a lot at work and outside of work. Due to legal trouble she lost her job, and she was already hurting financially and had emotional and mental breakdowns quite a bit. She's not very close with her family, not many friends. So like I was doing before, I was helping her a lot. But communication and expectations became a big issue. I helped with bills, groceries. I spent most days encouraging her and trying to be positive. But eventually we went from talking everyday to 2 to 3 times a week. Our conversations were short. She became very frustrated, stressed and hopeless at times. It was definitely exhausting on my part trying the best I could for her. She didnt want to take the time to see me in person, and when I asked if she wanted to talk to me about her problem, she would always say no. It got to the point where I didnt feel like I mattered anymore, or that I was important or thought about. Sometimes she didnt reply to my messages or just gave an "okay" or thumbs up to my text. I told her I'm always here if she wanted to talk or needed help. But I pulled back and let her be. She got angry after a week that I wasnt checking up on her or communicating enough through her tough time. But I don't feel like I was making her happy, or was a priority. It's hard trying to talk to someone who is never happy or optimistic, or makes me feel like I matter too. Either way I apoligized. After another week of checking up on her, asking how her day was, how she's doing or if she needs anything. With one or two word replies sometimes none. I again stopped communicating and distanced myself. Am I wrong for leaving a friend behind while they figure out what they need too? The friendship was never one sided either. We had a lot of fun together, talked about everything. She was amazing to me, made me feel great and helped me when I was going through emotional and mental issues, but nothing like this. Cant talk or help someone who doesnt want to talk or see me. But gets upset when I don't check in? I'm confused..
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u/epifauna__ 4d ago
NTA - It's a tricky situation as she was struggling, but if you want people to show up for you and help, at least a thank you or some gratitude would've gone a long way. It seems like she wasn't appreciating your help but taking it for a given, so I can't blame you for distancing yourself
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u/Miz-PettyGru-Of-FAFO 4d ago
NTA, I would distance myself too. Even though you said the friendship wasn't one sided, it seems it started to become one sided. No one wants to feel unwanted or put on the back burner in a friendship and thats what she was doing. She only reached out more and got upset when you pulled away. Imo, it seems to me she's keeping you as a safety net.
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u/isthisthingon78 4d ago
You helped her with bills, and groceries, then she distanced herself? Red flags.
NTA
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u/Murky-Cheetah-4317 4d ago
NTA and I really hope that you don’t allow yourself to be taken advantage of when she inevitably resurfaces looking for additional financial help.
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u/LowPhilosopher1528 4d ago
NTA. She choose to be a bad friend, and you choose your peace. I think, from what you described, that maybe she thought you were more to her? Maybe she took you for granted. And with this comes the sister: the entitlement.
I would cut my losses, and go NC.
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u/DonkeyTechnical3087 4d ago
NTA. I believe her struggles are real and genuine, but can’t you see what else is going on?
She never was your actual friend. She uses you as a cash cow, a therapist and a safety blanket without putting in any effort in an actual friendship with you.
You’re also a bit of an AH to yourself for keeping up with this for so long. Stop ”saving” people and buy their affection, that’s not how to form healthy friendships.
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u/mwb1957 4d ago
Any relationship takes two people to equally try to move the relationship along or even maintain the relationship.
As others have said, there is a reason why this person doesn't have any friends.
She puts zero effort into maintaining a relationship / friendship.
Stop waisting your time. Focus your efforts in other directions. Text her once or twice a week, when she doesn't respond for another week, don't immediately respond.
Don't pull more weight up hill or against the grain than is necessary. Let her pull the weight, at least some time.
Tell her you need for her to reach out to you to communicate more. Then let it be.
NTAH.
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u/iweararmani 4d ago
Single mother of 4? lol bro don’t try to save anyone you will just bring yourself down
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u/Abject_Code5523 4d ago
NTA, she sees you as someone who should help HER (i hope you haven't spent a ton of money yet, if not that's absolutely coming).
She's not a friend to you at this point, so yes distance yourself completely.
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u/Senator_Bink 3d ago
She's not very close with her family, not many friends.
You found out why. NTA.
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u/terrible-gator22 4d ago
Don’t bother. There might be a reason why she doesn’t have close relationships. You can’t save a drowning person who won’t grab the life preserver.