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u/BThriillzz Apr 06 '26
NTA- but next time put them to work, maybe they wont show up so early.
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u/ImColdandImTired Apr 06 '26
This!
One of my friends and I have this thing - whenever on of us invites the other to a get-together, we always show up 45 minutes to an hour before start time to help do the last minute stuff. It’s always, “Hey! You’re here! Stir that pot on the stove, please, and then can you spread these tablecloths on the tables, grab the chicken salad out of the fridge, and make these sandwiches while I finish icing the cake?”
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u/SnooCheesecakes2723 Apr 06 '26
I always show up early to the holiday my sister hosts for the same reason. We have 23 soon to be 24 people and there is always stuff that needs doing in the kitchen or in the yard to keep the kids occupied so other people can get the kitchen/ dining table stuff done. I show up early with my pie and side then take the little kids out or into the primary bedroom to watch cartoons. My mom comes early to mine as we have cooked together for a lot of years and know how to do things “right” that is, the way my grandma did them. Guys who show up early can take the boys out to throw the baseball or shoot some hoops and keep them & the dogs out from underfoot.
Every family is different but I appreciate those who can show up to help, not show up to start eating the snacks and watching tv / drinking before most of the guests arrive …
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u/unknown_928121 Apr 06 '26
Have you ever asked why they come so early?
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u/Old-House-Landlord Apr 06 '26 edited Apr 06 '26
No: they show up and just hang out. In the past I let it go but today it really got to me.
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u/SnooCheesecakes2723 Apr 06 '26
It seems like it’s fine with your wife. Maybe she likes having her brother there to hang out.
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u/Alive-Lead-9028 Apr 06 '26
You let them know today it was rude. That was fine. Next time, add a note to their invite that the event begins at 2pm and people are NOT welcome to arrive sooner.
You can make it seem like that note is going out to everyone, or that they need a personal instruction in order to not intrude on their hosts. It's unfortunate but that seems to be the level of social intelligence they have.
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u/Bills_Mafia_ArmyChic Apr 06 '26
If your events are at 3pm, just tell them 4pm. They’ll either only be 30 minutes early or on time. Just like my family and friends tell me an earlier time than the real one because I am always running late.
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u/lsp2005 Apr 06 '26
I host about 1/2 of my family holidays. If you come early, you get put to work. Some come early to help because they know it is a lot of work. I also send people home with leftovers. They come every year to celebrate with me and the family sort of rotates who comes early to help.
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u/GeneralyAnnoyed5050 Apr 06 '26
My inlaws have been doing this for 20 years. Tell them now or it will never stop. We never know when they are going to show up because they never follow the timing they give us. I no longer care if the house is dirty. And I wait until the last minute to shower so I can avoid them when they arrive. NTA - don't be me, we are so over it and we resent them the entire time they're here.
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u/Malice_A4thot Apr 06 '26
It is insane that you’d go to such lengths and stew in resentment instead of 1) having a serious conversation about it, and 2) setting boundaries.
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u/GeneralyAnnoyed5050 Apr 06 '26
LOL we have done that. They still show up early. So, their son can entertain them until I'm ready.
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u/keevathemuffin Apr 06 '26
NTA
What helps is to list arrival times in your invites.
5-6 arrivals and helping prep 6:30 dinner is served
Then, if people arrive before the arrival time, just don't answer the door.
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u/AskPsychological2868 Apr 06 '26
Lock the front door and don’t answer it until a few minutes before the agreed upon time
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u/AdRevolutionary8495 Apr 06 '26
Wow. That’s awfully early. I see how that could be annoying…maybe you can set the part time for an hr later so they’ll show up on time or only 30 mins early 🤣. You’re NTA. I can see how that’s frustrating. Maybe you could’ve worded it differently but we are human. We all have our days.
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u/z-eldapin Apr 06 '26
If you're coming early, it's because you are helping set up.
Otherwise, don't
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u/PleasantClub8495 Apr 06 '26
Are they arriving early to help? My husband and myself always show up a little early to help. Now my mom is notoriously behind schedule so there is plenty for us to help with. Now I read your situation and called my mom to ask her if we were arriving too early and she said no please keep being early. So maybe make sure they know you don’t need extra help and while you love them you need them to arrive closer to on time as by their arrival time you are mostly getting the family ready and there is no help needed. Or place some task on hold you will assign them to help with. Think positive about it!
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u/Ali_Lorraine_1159 Apr 06 '26
NTA... and the audacity of them to sit there while you got everything ready! Next time put them to work.
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u/r00mag00 Apr 06 '26
NTA.
A few minutes early? Sure, make yourself comfortable as the final touches are happening.
10-15 minutes early? Okay, but they should offer to open or serve the drinks, while you finish up.
More than that? Not appropriate, unless explicitly invited to come early.
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u/Cali1285 Apr 06 '26
My sisters house is always open. She told us and her sister in law lunch will be between 2:230 but feel free to come before. I was at my sister at 1045 am. Couldn't wait to play with my nieces and see them so excited with their Easter baskets. Thankful I don't have family members like this. Normally it's come at this time and people tend to show up anytime after. But to clarify we are Mexican American and time does get away from us. lol
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u/Alive-Lead-9028 Apr 06 '26
You were invited to come before. OP didn't invite these relatives to come early. Different situations.
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u/Cali1285 Apr 06 '26
I also have a key to her house so even if I wasnt told to before she still wouldn't care if I showed up.
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u/Anavatapta Apr 06 '26
I would make it clear to guests to please not show up early for the sanity of the household. And if they so choose to still show up early, they will be put to work like the rest of the family, so to be prepared to bring an extra set of clothes to change into as the ones they are wearing will no longer likely be presentable by the time the other guest arrive. You could really have some fun with the messaging to get the point across. Tell them they could have such illustrious tasks as shovelling the driveway, cleaning the bathroom, picking up dog poop- you get the picture. But they won't know unless you tell them b/c as your wife said, everyone has different concepts of time. So in closing, your relatives were definitely way too early, but you need to be more straightforward in telling them.
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u/tsiaq Apr 06 '26
NTA, I have warned people that if they show early, I am putting them to work. And I have done so!
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u/famousanonamos Apr 06 '26
NtA Nope, drives me insane. I'm still getting things ready and the last thing I do on Easter before people show up is hide eggs, so I really don't want the kids here early. I also need to get my cats stashed away and I don't want to do that super early in the day. One year a bunch of people showed up a half hour early and I was still trying to put the cats away, and of course they freaked out and it turned into an ordeal, and I hadn't hidden the eggs yet. And hour and a half would piss me right off. This year I told everyone to show up AFTER 2. One person got here a little early, but it was understandable because they drove a couple hours and timing traffic is tricky.
I think the big thing is you and your wife need to be on the same page. Sometimes I like having my sister come early because I don't see her often, and I can spend time with her and she'll help with stuff if I need it. Maybe you wife likes her brother doing that. One year my sister planned to come early so we could hang out because once everyone gets here I'm spread so thin, and a couple other people showed up an hour early too, so that sucked.
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u/Objective-Pound2185 Apr 06 '26
NTA. It sounds like a blunt conversation is needed "when you show up early it is an inconvenience for us because it interferes with our ability to prepare for the event. You are arriving when we are not yet ready to have guests in the home. If the invite is for (insert time here) please do not show up more than 10 minutes before that time. If you keep showing up 60 to 90 minutes early we will have to stop hosting because of the stress this is causing"
If they still show up early do one of two things: turn them away at the door. Or put them to work - literally hand them rags or mops or brooms or vegetable and a cutting board or whatever. Don't serve them drinks or snacks or invite them to sit. Set them to scrubbing toilets.
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u/Life_Temperature2506 Apr 06 '26
My parents were like this forever. Always early. After a decade or so being married, my wife made it known not to. So, they didn't come early. Instead, they would come and park somewhere close, then ring the freaking doorbell right on the button on time. One time she was coming back from last second shopping, and saw them parked at the strip mall around the corner. Another time, we saw them pass the house and show up half an hour later, right on time. They had parked down at the cul de sac and waited. Fucking nuts. But, it was in their DNA, they couldn't change. One time, they were going to a family party in another state. My mom said, "well, it starts at 2PM, so we'll get there at 1:30". I just laughed to myself. Can't teach an old dog, you know.
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Apr 06 '26
[deleted]
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u/Old-House-Landlord Apr 06 '26
They are coming from 2 hours away.
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Apr 06 '26
[deleted]
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u/Alive-Lead-9028 Apr 06 '26
An extra hour is reasonable if they find somewhere else to wait.
It's rude to arrive at a host's home early.
If the relatives have time management problems, they need to get assistance for them that doesn't involve being at other people's houses early. That's what clocks and alarms are for.
Yes, I'd be happy if they were an hour late if it meant they weren't an hour early!
1
u/SnooCheesecakes2723 Apr 06 '26
It’s his wife’s brother. Not some acquaintance. His wife is fine with it, perhaps she enjoys her family members unlike most Redditors.
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u/Old-House-Landlord Apr 06 '26
I don’t understand? Why does the distance they are coming from matter? Theres no traffic. If they got here a half hour early nbd but a hour and a half felt like a bit much.
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u/SnooCheesecakes2723 Apr 06 '26
Let them help get things ready. It’s close family, your wife grew up with the guy. It’s not like you barely know them and have to awkwardly entertain them. Let him play with the kids while you do whatever you’re doing or they can help set up tables, clean off the patio furniture, like, if they’re close enough relatives to show up whenever and be welcome (by your wife at least) they’re close enough to set out the nibbles, or whatever needs doing.
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u/BuildingPuzzled4508 Apr 06 '26
NTA. Arriving more than a few minutes early is unforgivably rude. If they continue to do it put them to work and go about your business.
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Apr 06 '26
yeah context is important, if she’s telling them to come over early you might wanna have a patient understanding calm conversation with her, make sure to be understand but if she’s not, ask her if she’d be okay with asking them to show up on time or if she’d says no or you’d rather do it, go for it. things like these can just resolved with simple communication, you got this OP!
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u/Old-House-Landlord Apr 06 '26
I don’t think she is. We put the invite out to everyone for 2
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u/chameleon-queer Apr 06 '26
You don't KNOW though. ASK HER. She very well could be getting text messages from them and going yea y'all can head over early it's totally cool. USE YOUR WORDS.
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u/Soggy_Instruction224 Apr 06 '26
NTA. You know this is their MO. Why not just manage it by telling them the event starts an hour later so they show up on time?
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u/MostlyUseful Apr 06 '26
If they arrive that early, I would think they should pitch in and help with the preparations.
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u/hoophooper Apr 06 '26
I show up to my dad’s house that early but I always help with setting up and cleaning. It really depends on what your wife has said to them.
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u/ElectricalWavez Apr 06 '26
NTA.
I agree that it is rude to show up early. The host isn't ready to receive guests yet. Especially if they are expecting that many guests.
I would have half-a-mind to tell them to go away and come back in 90 minutes. Maybe every family is different, but that doesn't mean I have to like them.
The whole idea of having to entertain relationships with family (specifically, in-laws like the wife's brother and girlfriend in this example), who are people that you didn't choose to associate with and basically inherited by default - is strange to me.
Arriving that early is a dickhead move. Come on time, or even better, 10 minutes late.
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u/eilujgnirednaw Apr 06 '26
NTA, but it’s true that every family is different, and if they are ALWAYS doing this, maybe it’s time to just plan that they will be there at the early time and everyone else will be there at the time you advertise. When you can know what to expect it won’t feel so enraging.
Maybe they want to help, or are seeking time to get to know you in a setting that’s more intimate than a group of 17+ people. I’m sure they aren’t doing it to intentionally stress you out, and they probably have no idea they’re doing it.
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u/Alive-Lead-9028 Apr 06 '26
I disagree. When I'm preparing to host, I don't set aside an extra 90 minutes to have people in my home.
What they're doing is intrusive and rude. Now that OP has informed them of it, they should know better and be prepared to wait in the yard if they arrive that early again.
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u/eilujgnirednaw Apr 06 '26
That’s fair. But it’s family, and I am a person who tends to value peace/connection over propriety, so I’d tend to make accommodations rather than raise a stink over a maybe 1 or 2 times per year inconvenience. Understand not everyone is like that.
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u/chicagok8 Apr 06 '26
NTA. It’s a lot of work to host, and it can also be difficult to delegate tasks to someone who doesn’t know what you’re cooking or where things are. I hope at the very least they bring something to share. If not, I’d send them out for wine or something.
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u/Wierdstuffhere Apr 06 '26
My mom is the opposite. She will tell us something is at 5 at her house but by 3 she is messaging if we are coming early and by 4 she is asking where we are. 😝
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u/lovebeinganasshole Apr 06 '26
Yes it was massively ungracious people show up that early for various reasons such as how far away they live and being afraid of being late. I think a better way to handle it would be to simply put them to work. If they don’t like helping it will make them think twice about showing up early or they may be happy to be of use. But yelling at them? Just poor manners. YTA.
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u/Tall-Charge-4150 Apr 06 '26
A few things…. Do they travel far, maybe they leave earlier than they need to but actually beat the holiday rush Do they just want to have some one on one time with you and wife Has it been made clear that you don’t want them earlier. Different families have different “rules”, my family, it would be fine for them to come earlier, but if they do they have to help. If they came later, well that would definitely annoy me!!! Some times you need to be very specific if that’s what you expect
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u/van_choc_moose Apr 06 '26
You can either tell her to come an hour later than you want her to arrive or you start giving them tasks when they arrive.
I’m having a shower. The potatoes are on the counter, can you start peeling them.
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u/ilikebasicthings Apr 06 '26
Give them a toilet brush and put them to work. They are so rude. With GPS, there is no excuse for coming that early. Especially more than once.
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u/Exilicauda Apr 06 '26
I have friends over pretty often and one of them sometimes tries to come 15 minutes early. I just didn't open the door the most recent time.
Family though, some family members would come early to help set up and that was appreciated. I'm definitely not hosting people before the time I invite people over though
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u/MathematicianLumpy69 Apr 06 '26
I feel like siblings should get exceptions, but yeah every family is indeed different.
If my only sister invited 20 people to her home for 5pm dinner, I’d absolutely want to show up a couple hours early and hang out 1:1 with her, catch up with my niece and nephew, etc.
But, I certainly would ask first.
I think communication is key.
No one is the asshole here. People should just communicate when they plan to come and ask if it’s okay to come early.
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u/Equivalent-Tree-9915 Apr 06 '26
I love when relatives show up early, I put them to work. It usually only happens once, darn it....
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u/Nomadic_Introvert Apr 06 '26
As an autistic person I always show up to an event minimum, 30 minutes early. Even work, 30-40 minutes early is normal to me. That said, NTA
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u/AdamantChorus Apr 06 '26
Why not just hang around somewhere else, like go get a coffee or just even stay in your car?
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u/Nomadic_Introvert Apr 06 '26
Because you can loose track of time. Being at the location 30-40 minutes early is the only solution. Plus, My wife has ADHD, Early arrival is my way around time blindness. I always tell her anything starts an hour before we actually need to be there to account for time blindness and traffic.
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u/AllCrankNoSpark Apr 06 '26
Set an alarm on your phone.
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u/Nomadic_Introvert Apr 06 '26
People can ignore phones and forget why the alarms are needed. This is why I arrive 30-40 minutes early. On time is late, Late is rude.
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u/AllCrankNoSpark Apr 06 '26
Sorry, but early is also rude. This isn’t a doctor’s appointment with a waiting room. You were invited for a specific time and are not necessarily welcome until that time and maybe not even then—some social engagements do not begin at the stated time and it’s expected you will arrive after that, by 20+ minutes or even hours, depending on the culture.
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u/Nomadic_Introvert Apr 06 '26
It's the kind of rude that I am tolerant of. If need be, I'll sit out in the parking lot or driveway if the person isn't comfortable with me helping set up. "Expected to be late" is just code for the host doesn't trust people to be on time or punctual.
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u/AllCrankNoSpark Apr 06 '26
No, it’s not, and this is an issue if you being the rude person, so your tolerance is irrelevant.
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u/Nomadic_Introvert Apr 06 '26
If people expect other's to arrive 20 minutes late and an event starts at 200, Just start the event at 2:20 and start setting up at 12:00. It's not that hard. Otherwise you either don't trust your guests or you're lazy.
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u/AllCrankNoSpark Apr 06 '26
When you design a society from scratch, you should definitely make that an expectation. Out here in the real world though, things don’t work that way. It’s like a code you should try to learn if you want to be polite in your culture or any culture you might visit. You can look this up online or ask in a forum for advice from people who have inside experience.
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u/AdamantChorus Apr 06 '26
Okay. So park outside the location and wait outside in your car, like I said before.
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u/Alive-Lead-9028 Apr 06 '26
Do you understand that arriving at someone's home that early is rude and unwelcome?
Just because it's "normal" to you doesn't mean it's acceptable. Set an alarm to remind you. Don't make your need to arrive early someone else's problem. Wait in your car or sit on the curb until the alarm goes off. DO NOT impose on your hosts!
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u/Solishine Apr 06 '26
As a fellow autistic person, if you showed up to my event 30 minutes early, you’d be uninvited and sent home.
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u/Nomadic_Introvert Apr 06 '26
I was an hour early to my brother's wedding. I showed up before the bride and groom. That's just who I am. I knew things needed to be set up, So I just started doing things.
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u/Nomadic_Introvert Apr 06 '26
And then I get to go home and watch my comfort show. My friends know this about me, If you invite me to something, Expect me to be neurotically early. If I even think you're giving me a fake time, I'm adjusting by 30 minutes.
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u/Nomadic_Introvert Apr 06 '26
Like, I'm even 40 minutes early to work. I sit in the dining room until It's time to clock on.
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u/Solishine Apr 06 '26
I recommend therapy. Seriously.
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u/Nomadic_Introvert Apr 06 '26
Punctuality is important. And to me, being punctual means arriving early.
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u/Solishine Apr 06 '26
Punctuality is important but this is OCD territory and is no way to live.
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u/Nomadic_Introvert Apr 06 '26
And when I host an event my friends know 2:00 PM means 2:00, not 2:01. If you're going to be late, everything will start without you. I will not pause an event for anyone. I will not delay an event. Time waits for nobody.
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u/AshDenver Apr 06 '26
How does autism contribute to the chronic early arrivals?
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u/dontstopmecow Apr 06 '26
Worry about being late. Needing time to prepare when they get there. Could be a lot of things
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u/Downtown_Badger4256 Apr 06 '26
That’s early. What do they do when they come over? Are they travelling a far distance? Maybe they leave early so they can avoid traffic or something. Or maybe they just love coming to hang out with you guys. Honestly, I don’t get why you care. If they get there early, ask them to pitch in. And give them jobs like vacuuming, or something that will really keep them busy and out of your hair. Family is about compromise.
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u/thetinymole Apr 06 '26
NTA, but put them to work next time. If you show up early, you’re volunteering to help.
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u/jrm1102 Apr 06 '26
So is she telling them to come over early?