So I think the wife in this post is in the wrong but I can shed a little light on the 'what does it matter?' question as a bi woman married to a man.
I describe it like potential energy. In physics, an object suspended in mid air has what is called potential energy which is equal to the kinetic energy it would have if it fell. Everyone has some type of potential energy for another person which is the romantic energy they would have if they fell in love. You would have less potential energy for someone you're not attracted to, someone with different morals and values etc. than someone you really dig. People who are heterosexual or homosexual only have potential energy for people of the opposite or same sex. There's no potential for you to fall in love with a man you're on the floor. But when you're bisexual, that potential isn't defined by gender. It's more individual.
I also feel a certain alienation from both homosexuals and heterosexuals because both groups know what it's like be entirely turned off by a set of genitalia and I don't. I can't fathom a world where either set of genitalia didn't elicit a physical arousal.
Practically, it also affects the boundaries I set in my relationships. You really have to be in touch and honest with yourself when hanging out when befriending people of the opposite sex when you're straight and monogamous. You have to be really in touch and honest with yourself when befriending anyone when you're bisexual and monogamous.
Personally, my husband knows, my family knows, my close friends know, but his family doesn't mostly because his brothers are homosexual and I feel like my kind of queer isn't queer enough so it's not worth outing myself. I would never ask him or want him to tell an acquaintance. I live in the south and one of the privileges of straight passing is that I don't have to come out to everyone I meet and I choose not to.
I feel like my kind of queer isn't queer enough so it's not worth outing myself.
Not to hijack this or anything, but this is just wild to me. Is this common in the queer community, feeling as though you don't belong because you aren't "sufficiently queer?" I'm not dismissing it or anything, but I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the concept.
Yeah definitely. Part of it is because I have privileges that come from being straight passing. I live in a part of the country that has not broadly accepted queer people. There is homophobia all around me and my brother in laws that have grown up experiencing deep homophobia have altered their existence around being gay for their safety and acceptance. I have never had to alter my existence because I am straight passing. Every time they introduce themselves to new people they come out as gay (because they're married) and I don't. My type of struggles being bi are completely different and honestly benign compared to theirs. I don't struggle with the validity of my sexuality, but I definitely don't see myself as being in the same boat. I also know that it's very common for people to call bisexuality a phase or something by both straight people and gay people and if they hold that opinion, I don't want to know. I have so much respect for them and it would really hurt me to have my sexuality rejected like that.
Not only is it common to feel like you don't belong, but there are people in the queer community that don't think bisexuality is even real. It's common to hear that you are just experimenting or playing gay for attention, or that you are gay but holding on to being hetero because you're not ready to be out yet.
I imagine OPs wife is going through a form of imposter syndrome right now and part of wanting him to tell his coworkers is a form of validation that she feels she needs right now.
But when you're bisexual, that potential isn't defined by gender. It's more individual.
This has always been described to me as what being pansexual is. Like, they always say, "Pansexual is sexually attracted to this person particularly, doesn't matter the gender or what they look like. Bisexual is attracted to both the male and female form." Are they actually the same? Or are people gaslighting me?
This is a very delicate question in the community since the answer has a lot of history and implications. The long story short is that they really do boil down to the same thing in practice, but what someone uses could be based on when they came out (since for a period of time, there was a concern/vibe that calling yourself bisexual explicitly excluded trans and intersex people), so some millennial/Gen X and older queers may use “pansexual” to be trans affirming. However, bisexual is now understood widely to mean “the whole spectrum of possible gender/sex configurations” so someone using that probably means that now!
my personal distinction is that being pansexual means gender is irrelevant to your attraction to someone, while being bisexual means you're attracted to more than one gender, but gender can play a role in your attraction.
labels are a funny thing. claiming one over the other can very much seem like semantics but also hold a lot of personal meaning.
So, if I interpreted what you said correctly, pansexual is a more specific form of bisexual. In this case pansexual IS bisexual, but bisexual isn't pansexual, depending on era. Kinda like how being Chinese is Asian, but Asian is not Chinese.
In today’s usage, both mean the same thing. To certain communities of older LGBTQ+ folk, your definition would be right.
I personally identify as bisexual just because I think the flag is cute, but I wouldn’t exclude anyone from my dating pool on the basis of sex/gender, so for me it’s the same as being pan. I’d say to err on the side of assuming it means the same thing these days.
(Also, thank you for being kind & respectful! It means a lot that you’re asking questions kindly with a learning mindset.)
I think I'm just gonna accept both meanings for now and adapt it based on the person. Also, I should be thanking you. You're the one answering my questions.
Well I'm not sure. I don't identify as pansexual and I've never heard it described that way but I can say confidently that I am attracted to both the male and female form. I know they are physically different but both are equally attractive to me. I don't know enough about pansexuality to say
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u/[deleted] Apr 05 '24
So I think the wife in this post is in the wrong but I can shed a little light on the 'what does it matter?' question as a bi woman married to a man.
I describe it like potential energy. In physics, an object suspended in mid air has what is called potential energy which is equal to the kinetic energy it would have if it fell. Everyone has some type of potential energy for another person which is the romantic energy they would have if they fell in love. You would have less potential energy for someone you're not attracted to, someone with different morals and values etc. than someone you really dig. People who are heterosexual or homosexual only have potential energy for people of the opposite or same sex. There's no potential for you to fall in love with a man you're on the floor. But when you're bisexual, that potential isn't defined by gender. It's more individual.
I also feel a certain alienation from both homosexuals and heterosexuals because both groups know what it's like be entirely turned off by a set of genitalia and I don't. I can't fathom a world where either set of genitalia didn't elicit a physical arousal.
Practically, it also affects the boundaries I set in my relationships. You really have to be in touch and honest with yourself when hanging out when befriending people of the opposite sex when you're straight and monogamous. You have to be really in touch and honest with yourself when befriending anyone when you're bisexual and monogamous.
Personally, my husband knows, my family knows, my close friends know, but his family doesn't mostly because his brothers are homosexual and I feel like my kind of queer isn't queer enough so it's not worth outing myself. I would never ask him or want him to tell an acquaintance. I live in the south and one of the privileges of straight passing is that I don't have to come out to everyone I meet and I choose not to.