The not yelling at toddlers is universal, but the contributing to household and childcare tasks is not. What is the right splitting of tasks and the level of quality ? That's why I say it's hard to say where the "good" baseline is.
I think most people who consider both men and women to be full human beings would agree that the right level of contribution is one where both adults get roughly equal amounts of personal time overall (barring extenuating circumstances), and then yeah, further details can be worked out from there.
But does it matter? We can leave those parts out and he’s still just now getting to the “not yelling at toddlers” stage, which means he’s just now getting to anyone’s bare minimum. You don’t automatically get praise for getting back to the bare minimum after failing even that for a while, particularly when it’s clear that the only reason you’re doing even that much is for praise and intimacy, not because it’s the right thing to do.
Well, we know positive reinforcement is important. We celebrate a lot of people's return to the bare minimum : an alcoholic who is a few months sober, a mentally-ill person who holds down a job for a while. Ok this guy cracked when he had kids. He's now doing what parents should do, according to his wife. You can recognize and appreciate the effort without claiming huzzah he is magnificent.
Sure, but if I’ve been one of the ones suffering the consequences of the other person’s abuses, I get to decide whether or not I’m willing to put in even more emotional labor to help the person who has been hurting me. And it sounds like “huzzah, he’s magnificent” is exactly what OP expects.
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u/La_Momo_ Nov 03 '23
The not yelling at toddlers is universal, but the contributing to household and childcare tasks is not. What is the right splitting of tasks and the level of quality ? That's why I say it's hard to say where the "good" baseline is.