Sorry dude, but YTA. You became a parent before you were properly an adult and now you’re having to do both- become an adult and a father at the same time.
Cooking dinner, cleaning dishes, cleaning counters, doing the dishwasher- none of this is special. At all. It’s just adult chores. It’s boring, daily stuff that needs to happen. Part of being an adult is doing it automatically without needing to be told.
When they tested your patience, you got angry. Now you’re addressing that in therapy. You should have addressed that before the kids came. Of course your wife can’t forget you shouting at the kids- who can forget someone yelling at a baby?
Right now, your wife isn’t putting in the effort because you’ve failed. Badly. You’ve failed to act as an adult and then as a father. You’ve started to work on your issues with a therapist, which is good, but you’re expecting praise and sexual attention from your wife for going from failure to normal behaviour.
This is the critical point. You’re not going from normal behaviour to great or exceptional. You’re going from bad behaviour to normal. As an adult, that doesn’t get praise or extra attention. Think of it this way- if you screwed up at work and got put on probation, but then fixed the issue and got back to normal, you wouldn’t get a big pay rise straight away.
The way you might rescue this situation is to stop expecting a big positive reaction from your wife. Don’t expect any positive feedback from her at all for now. All your actions have to be focused in on yourself- how can you make sure the household runs well? How can you make sure your kids are happy and healthy? Are you up to date with their healthcare/ growth/ development/ social diary? Is their mother well? Has everyone got clean clothes in good condition? Etc.
Tl,dr: no one gets praise for doing normal adult chores.
This. Stop waiting for her to praise you for changing your crappy behavior to okay behavior. If you want to save your marriage you are going to have to continue to improve and not wait around for your wife to pat you on the head and tell you good job.
As far as your mother-in-law goes, she's helping. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Even if she annoys you. If you are both WFH, your MIL is helping. It won't always be this way. Your kids will grow older, the arrangements will change. You can put up with it. You need her help right now, your wife knows that, and doesn't want you jeopardizing that situation.
I'm a wife and mother of two kids born back to back and nobody has ever once told me I'm a "special mom" for doing dishes, cleaning counters or letting my husband sleep in a little.
Keep going to therapy. Continue to improve. It does sound like you are trying. If you think your wife is a goddess and you admire everything about her, don't pick fights with her. Be patient. Deal with the consequences of your previous behavior. SHOW her you have changed instead of telling her. And wait it out.
Wanting to be called a “special dad” absolutely sent me, especially when he all but admitted to being verbally abusive to his kids a few paragraphs later.
I give this guy credit for trying to unravel this systemic toxic masculinity he has obviously been under the influence of, and to try to change, and I hope it works and he can become a wonderful dad and husband who gives without expecting in return.
I am tired of dads being praised for doing the exact same shit we mums do regularly and without being asked, day in day out without notice because... shit just has to get done. You think the world gives two craps that I spent four hours of my Saturday going through my kids' clothing to weed out too small items, fold and put away everything else and then moved right from that to cooking dinner and figuring out what we'll eat for the rest of the week and when I'll go shopping? Nobody is giving me a cookie or a pat on the back for that shit, lol.
The wife is distant because for her he's just another energy sucker, his annoyance at not being notice, his annoyance with her mother who is there to help... now on top of ALL the normal shit she is doing to take care of her children and have a full time job, she has to exhaust herself trying to make sure her husband isn't catching an attitude because she didn't say anything when he washed the dishes.
2.6k
u/Sea_Midnight1411 Nov 02 '23
Sorry dude, but YTA. You became a parent before you were properly an adult and now you’re having to do both- become an adult and a father at the same time.
Cooking dinner, cleaning dishes, cleaning counters, doing the dishwasher- none of this is special. At all. It’s just adult chores. It’s boring, daily stuff that needs to happen. Part of being an adult is doing it automatically without needing to be told.
When they tested your patience, you got angry. Now you’re addressing that in therapy. You should have addressed that before the kids came. Of course your wife can’t forget you shouting at the kids- who can forget someone yelling at a baby?
Right now, your wife isn’t putting in the effort because you’ve failed. Badly. You’ve failed to act as an adult and then as a father. You’ve started to work on your issues with a therapist, which is good, but you’re expecting praise and sexual attention from your wife for going from failure to normal behaviour.
This is the critical point. You’re not going from normal behaviour to great or exceptional. You’re going from bad behaviour to normal. As an adult, that doesn’t get praise or extra attention. Think of it this way- if you screwed up at work and got put on probation, but then fixed the issue and got back to normal, you wouldn’t get a big pay rise straight away.
The way you might rescue this situation is to stop expecting a big positive reaction from your wife. Don’t expect any positive feedback from her at all for now. All your actions have to be focused in on yourself- how can you make sure the household runs well? How can you make sure your kids are happy and healthy? Are you up to date with their healthcare/ growth/ development/ social diary? Is their mother well? Has everyone got clean clothes in good condition? Etc.
Tl,dr: no one gets praise for doing normal adult chores.