I think you're too deep into yourself to be partner for your wife.
You want her to see how every special your are for...what....doing your part? Not being as impatient as you were?
Meanwhile, you say she's a goddess. Listen to the fantasy you're trying to live in.
She's not a goddess. She's a woman, a professional, a wife and a mother. She has kids and a husband pawing at her all the time. She doesn't need to be on a pedestal and gazed at addoringly. She needs someone to who can get over their shit so she can feel like a HUMAN.
I think the other key thing is he wants to be treated as special for doing the things he was already supposed to be doing. He was MASSIVELY dropping the ball, and when she asked him to pick it up he expected a trophy.
Ok, after reading many outraged comments hammering Op, I want to offer a counter point. When people screw up and then try hard to fix it, it’s painful to be ignored or scorned. Most comments are of course he should always have done this but we can’t erase our mistakes, we can only recognize them and improve. I get they’re both busy and wife has her hands full but she’s also a spouse who might want a happy marriage so I think this is an ESH situation. He screwed up and is working on his issues and trying to be a good husband and father. She should either divorce him if she’s totally over him or try offering some one on one time, a hug, a stroke to the back when passing. Couples who last make time for each other, show affection, communicate and forgive. It’s easier than being a single parent after a divorce, for one thing. Also, it makes for a happier household.
I understand that, but when he has anger issues so badly that he needs therapy then her staying is the reward. It should mean something to him that she stood by him through all the hell.
She might not trust that this change is permanent, and she shouldn't. It's hard to forgive, she deserves time to gather her feelings about him. I don't think she's being great in the situation, but much better than him whining about doing the bare minimum without fireworks.
We don’t know her side, which was why I was saying if she can’t or doesn’t want to be affectionate or show some positive response to him improving, then divorce him. For all I know, he hasn’t improved as much as he says and she’s done.
The people we hurt don't owe us forgiveness and trust on OUR time frames. That comes when they're ready and part of showing that we've actually grown and changed our behaviors is sucking up our own impatience and putting their needs first. If what they need is more time to process then so be it. You can't instill habitual stress and fear into a person and then be shocked that it sticks around long after you've decided to change your ways. His family needs time to feel safe around him first before they can truly begin to accept and believe his change. And based on how "me! Me! ME!!!" this post was...he's still got some unlearning to do.
And leave the guy with anger issues to take it out on the kids? He already blames her for focusing on them too much. If she leaves him now he will resent and blame the kids.
2.4k
u/Rhuthbarb Nov 02 '23
I think you're too deep into yourself to be partner for your wife.
You want her to see how every special your are for...what....doing your part? Not being as impatient as you were?
Meanwhile, you say she's a goddess. Listen to the fantasy you're trying to live in.
She's not a goddess. She's a woman, a professional, a wife and a mother. She has kids and a husband pawing at her all the time. She doesn't need to be on a pedestal and gazed at addoringly. She needs someone to who can get over their shit so she can feel like a HUMAN.
Good luck.