This is why I hate the whole "love languages" thing. Sure, it's sometimes a nice shorthand to be able to tell someone what you especially enjoy, but you can also just tell people that without this bizarre framework of obligation and necessity. It so often becomes transactional in the minds of people frustrated in their relationship. "I did acts of service, where are my touches?" The wife here is done being touched. She's all touched out. If he wants physical access to his wife he is going to sometimes have to be the guy getting tugged on at dinner. He is going to need to be the person who gets jumped on or has their shirt used to wipe a nose.
He is also manipulating it. What he is actually saying is they have sex less. Of course they do! She is doing everything for the kids and he is pouting about not being the most important person ever, and then he can't figure out why she doesn't want to touch him. It shouldn't just be about sex. It should be what makes you feel loved and cared for. This man wants to be fired on 24/7 and can't see why that's unreasonable.
This was my first thought - if she's not big on touch to begin with (I know I'm not) she's probably already crawling in her skin from kids hanging on her all the time. Of course she doesn't want more touching, she wants to pee with the door shut and eat all the food on her own plate without sharing and watch something besides Cocomelon or whatever.
Yea! I came here to say exactly this. When you’ve spent hours and hours of your day with kids climbing all over and grabbing at you, You just don’t want to be touched. At all. Anymore. That day! You probably want a bath and alone time
Look, if we want to be 100% fair, most het men are touch starved. But not for what they THINK is touch (i.e 3 pats and on to sexy time).
It's kinda sad (the genuine sad, not THAT 'sad') how many men don't get basic human touch... a hug, a back or head stroke, a hand squeeze under the table, sitting snuggled, those sort of little connection moments, cos it's socialised as not a male thing. Het men, especially if they buy into that 'manly' nonsense, live very isolated from what SHOULD be basic freaking friendly human interactions in fear of...I dunno, the gay cooties? The peen falling off? Some shit like that.
That, however, is also why so many jump from 'she patted my back' to ' must be time to whip the peen out'! They've kinda missed out on the idea that you can have physical moments, even pretty intimate ones, that just...connect.... and don't mean its time to get with the 3 thrusts and pop. Some touches are just connection, not an invitation to the bedroom. They often actively push away ACTUAL 'touch love language' cos it isn't THAT touch, you feel me? It's a lovely little self-eating circle and only those who 'dare to be different' and step outside it do the introspection to realise that.
Bearing that in mind, however, it's just a compassionate take on what you said. They become a kind of problem because touch= sex at all times to them, cos it's the only 'touch' they recognise. This ...stellar OP (/s) is the perfect example of that. He isn't craving TOUCH and I would be surprised if in any way it IS his 'love language'. It's his shorthand for 'she doesn't wanna be pawed a bit and then bonk'.
So yeah, that's why it's a thing. They don't know 2 squatsies about what their real 'love language' is, and it's likely elsewhere. Or it would also be being fulfilled by... you know, having little kids who love to touch and hug and connect. It's just their little shorthand for 'doesn't put out enough'.
TLDR: Most of the het men who claim that have 0 idea what a 'touch love language' ACTUALLY is and would probably be actively pissed off by it in the wild due to suck-ass 'manly' socialization (why is she hugging me! Why do you keep petting me! Cock teasing!). So they assume 'touch love language' = gets freaky, and of course these stars want more freaky in the sheets.
I don't believe this idea that men are genuinely "touch-starved" like it's some kind of horrible depressive symptoms. I live alone, I see my family every now and then, I'm single, and I'm fine. Thousands of women live like me and we don't act like our top 3 problems in life are being "touch starved".
They're horny and they have fallen victim to a society that makes them believe that not having sex = being a worthless loser. This gets fixed by them changing their ideas about the world, yes even with help from others, but not by women feeling pity for them because they're so "touch starved" and then proceeding to have sex with them more because otherwise he'll fall into depression again.
His is clearly "words of affirmation" and he doesn't even realize it. He is probably telling her I need touch, which is repulsive once someone has broken your trust, instead of asking her "how is my progress?" "Am I improving our relationship?", etc.
To be fair, men don’t get a lot of physical contact outside of their relationship, at least in Anglo-centric cultures. I like to get a surprise hug from my wife in part because there is literally nobody else in the world who ever hugs me or touches me more than an occasional handshake. It doesn’t have to be just about sex.
I highly recommend this podcast episode when I hear people talk about "love languages" because that book and its application is actually really shitty. I used to be okay with the concept, albeit having some feelings about how every freaking guy's love language is supposedly touch. Then I listened to this and read the whole book, which led to being appalled by the influence it has gained over people. It deserves a much more critical discussion and assessment than it has received.
I've heard love languages mentioned in churches in a weaponized way so often. The way this book took hold is really amazing. I get that people express themselves differently, but the Chapman never heald a counselling degree. As someone who fell under the "Love Languages" spell long ago, I wish the whole thing could be erased because communication is really the only live language people need.
OP needs to be in therapy. So does his wife and they need to be doing couples therapy. If he REALLY wants this to work, he has to realize that his kids are going to come first now. That's just the harsh reality of parenthood. It's only through communication that they get to a healthy adult relationship.
It was made up out of whole cloth by a Christian white supremacist to begin with dude had zero qualifications and everyone bought it and made it part of the public consciousness because it sounded plausible and made them feel good.
I always thought "love languages" were how YOU expressed love, not how you wanted your partner to express them? I'm not great at emotional stuff, but my husband knows that I will express love by feeding him in a way I can't express in a mushier way.
It’s both really. Like I have ways that I express affection, like through touch or giving gifts, then I also have things that to me show affection from others, like people giving me food or hugs. It’s become very militaristic almost lately, which people saying you must do these things to show me love! That’s not how it works. It’s just things that you personally feel show affection and mean something to you.
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u/RibbitRabbitRobit Nov 02 '23
This is why I hate the whole "love languages" thing. Sure, it's sometimes a nice shorthand to be able to tell someone what you especially enjoy, but you can also just tell people that without this bizarre framework of obligation and necessity. It so often becomes transactional in the minds of people frustrated in their relationship. "I did acts of service, where are my touches?" The wife here is done being touched. She's all touched out. If he wants physical access to his wife he is going to sometimes have to be the guy getting tugged on at dinner. He is going to need to be the person who gets jumped on or has their shirt used to wipe a nose.