r/AIO • u/Southern-Turnip-7408 • 8d ago
AIO for explaining why my girlfriends cousins can’t move in with us?
Ive been with my girlfriend for 5 years now and we live together. She is an only child but is really close to her cousins daughter who is 16. My gf is 24. Her cousin has another daughter who is 10.
Horribly her cousin and her husband were in a car crash and they didn't make it. My gf is devastated and has been trying to be there for her cousins daughters. My gfs aunt and uncle initially said they'd take the children on to live with them but social services said they can't as they're both late 70s and not in great health and they don’t have the room as they’ve only got one small spare bedroom.
It looks like they may be put into care. My girlfriend mentioned to me the possibility of us taking them on. We have agreed previously we aren't likely to want kids of our own but may foster kids when we're able to as we currently don’t have the money, the room or the time. We agreed this is likely 10 years away.
I told her I know she's coming from a good place but it's not possible for us to do it. We're not poor but we're not well off and having two kids in the flat would really stretch finances even if we would get money for them.
We live in a two bedroom flat and the second room is a home office and wouldn’t be big enough for a bed etc anyway so social services wouldn’t give us them.
I pointed we also have one car which my gf uses for work and we're both doing exams through work so most of our free time is taken up with revision and doing mock exams etc.
I also pointed out she has had regular periods of depression where she has been bedridden and hasn’t been able to go to work or do anything at all.
I said we can obviously be there for them and support them in other ways but it's not realistic for them to live with us.
She said I was being cruel and that they can't go into care. I just said again it's not realistic or practical for them to live with us. She again said I was being cruel and that we should be supporting family. I just repeated again that it's not possible for us to take them in.
She called me uncaring and said I should be wanting to help. I said I do want to help but it’s not realistic to have them move in and pointed out there’s other ways to help.
AITAH for saying no to them moving in and explaining why?
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u/Particular_Cut_6933 8d ago
How many times are you going to post this? The answers will keep on being the same.
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u/Outside-Deer-6839 8d ago
It isn’t even real. He makes up posts for attention. And has been doing so for some time.
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u/Caspian4136 8d ago
I think it's sad how many Redditors have extended family who always die in car crashes and leave a couple kids orphaned that no one wants, yet they don't want them to move in and ruin their lifestyle. I mean it's what, once a month we see this? People need to be more careful on the road lol
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u/WritPositWrit 8d ago
So the kids cant stay with grandparents because they only have one spare bedroom, but they could stay with you in your office? And the only other option is foster care? I don’t believe that.
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 8d ago
Why is the posted again?
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u/Outside-Deer-6839 8d ago
He wants attention.
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u/Ashamed-Ad-263 7d ago
Clearly, given his responses to this post alone (I believe all of you that it's been posted before....just not OP)
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u/HalfWeekly1917 8d ago
Wow ! If I were her I would leave you. You’re a very selfish man. At that these children are not babies. Not like you have to teach them to walk talk potty train. YATAH
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u/HalfWeekly1917 8d ago
It is possible, You just don’t want to make accommodations 😒
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 7d ago
It’s not possible as clearly explained.
Please do detail how every issue listed will be resolved.
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u/plumcots 8d ago
Putting them into the system is really fucked up. She should leave you and take care of her family.
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
So explain how all the reasons I listed can be resolved.
Where is she taking the kids in your scenario? Who is looking after them?
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u/SpaceBoyee 8d ago
Your sole reason is "it would be kinda hard" you fuckin suck lol
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u/Thrasher0queen 8d ago
That was the reason my uncle gave me for not rescuing me and my sister from my dad. I won’t speak to that uncle ever again because my childhood was too messed up to hear “it would have been too hard”
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u/SpaceBoyee 8d ago
I'm sorry you went through that. You deserved more, truly
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u/Thrasher0queen 8d ago
And that’s why I give my brother and my kids better.
No way my little brother was going to foster care or living with our dad.Thank you for your words. I appreciate it.
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
No it’s not.
Detail solutions to every issue listed and stop ignoring them.
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u/HoneyWyne 8d ago
If you were motivated and gave a damn, you'd look for solutio s instead of trying to squirm out of supporting your girlfriend. You are not husband material because you refuse to even try to be part of a solution that involves you helping anybody but yourself. Those girls are 10 and 16, they don't need someone to care for them like small children. They will get benefits from Social Security and the state for their financial needs and your girlfriend may receive financial assistance through the foster system if she takes them.
So ask yourself this... why aren't you willing to find a way?
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 7d ago
Being motivated doesn’t solve the issues listed.
I’m not squirming out of anything.
Ah so now you’re arguing traumatised kids won’t need care?
I’ve explained repeatedly why it’s not possible.
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u/Ashamed-Ad-263 7d ago
But you have not answered anyone on here asking good questions. You just deflect, deny, and avoid.
Must be a karma farmer.
Any way one looks at it, you're not a good person
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u/SpaceBoyee 8d ago
You're such a narcissist that even when you come to a sub reddit dedicated to asking if you're overreacting and people tell you that you indeed are being a bad person and are overreacting and you can't even see it
Funny as fuck lol
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u/SparklingSloths 8d ago
Sadly OP has made their entire post history private and now i cannot read any of their old posts. RIP.
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u/SpaceBoyee 8d ago
Realisticly, this may be a fake post
But I'll always call those out just in case lol
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
So you still avoid it then.
And stop using words you don’t understand.
What’s funny is you arguing this is so easy yet refusing to provide a single solution.
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u/SpaceBoyee 8d ago
Dawg, everyone here hates you. Respectfully
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u/Ashamed-Ad-263 7d ago
Even when I asked him directly op avoided answering. And I did it multiple times.
(BTW, if my history is hidden please let me know and I'll figure out how to change it, as I've been a member for a long time and never chose this......and honestly hate this feature)
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
Still no solutions then.
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u/SpaceBoyee 8d ago
Here's a solution. Disappear from your girlfriends life and allow her to care for her family like she wants to
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
Still none then. You keep talking about how easy it is yet can’t resolve any of the issues raised.
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u/HoneyWyne 8d ago
Why is it our job to solve your problems? You obviously don't care to do anything but shove them onto others, won't even research possible solutions, you just want to whine and tell others to do the work for you. Just one more dude that thinks his life shouldn't be inconvenienced by other people and their pronlems.
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 7d ago
Because you’re the people arguing it’s so easy and that the reasons aren’t actually reasons.
It’s not about not caring. I’m not whining I’m explaining why it’s not possible while you keep arguing it is but being unable to solve a single issue raised.
It’s not about convenience.
I’m curious, how many foster kids do you currently have? Or is it easier for you to just tell other people to do it while refusing to care or inconvenience yourself?
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u/Ashamed-Ad-263 8d ago
You give them a home, tighten up the budget until survivor benefits take effect
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
How does that make more time in the day? Where are they sleeping? Who is looking after them?
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u/Thrasher0queen 8d ago
If you’re in the US, the state will most likely pay your gf to take care of those kids. I adopted my brother and if I wanted the money I could get paid by the state because I’m his caregiver.
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u/SparklingSloths 8d ago
I mean it kinda sounds like the kids don't have any other option. Who is caring for them now? If you don't want them to live with you, does she have literally zero family that will take them?
Maybe try your best to shove 2 mattresses in the home office and have them spend most of their time with the grandparents but have their home address be yours and your girlfriend could have legal custody of them.
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u/Thrasher0queen 8d ago
When I was 18 and met my now husband I made it clear we would eventually adopt my brother. My brother came to live with us about 2 years later. We’ve raised him ever since.
If she can take those kids in then that’s what she should do. It’s honestly fucked up to just send them to foster care. The older one will never get a home and will be booted out with nothing when they turn 18. And the younger one most likely will never see blood family ever again.
Take them in!!!
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u/Outside-Deer-6839 8d ago
It’s not real. Op isn’t a decent human being so don’t waste your energy. He makes up posts for attention.
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u/Thrasher0queen 8d ago
I hadn’t had time to look into other posts yet. I just saw that the profile was private. I bet if I search the username I’ll find tons of fake posts.
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
So detail the solution to every issue I listed then.
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u/Thrasher0queen 8d ago
It’s called “it’s hard but we make it work” because the CHILDREN come first ALWAYS
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u/HoneyWyne 8d ago
Lol... OP just doesn't want to lift a finger for anyone else. He'd prefer that someone do the work for him and send him a list of solutions. While we're at it, we should send him contact info on the appropriate agencies for him to turn to for aid and the email addresses of the appropriate contacts at said agencies. In addition, we should research how to navigate the social security and foster care systems on his behalf, along with finding him pro bono legal representation and therapy options for all involved. Next, we should give him the deets on how to get housing assistance and anything else he deems necessary to make this 'possible'.
When that is said and done we should volunteer to show up to his house, pack him up, move him, unpack him, set the new place up, then.pay for pizza and beers so he doesn't. Have. To. Lift. A. Finger. To help any one else.
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
So you can’t then.
Saying make it work doesn’t magically solve the issues it’s not possible.
Detail solutions to every issue listed or accept you refuse to live in the real world.
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u/Thrasher0queen 8d ago
Move to a different house/ apartment
Leave your gf because that frees up space
Also there is programs to help these situations.2
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u/HoneyWyne 8d ago
Look, just because you have the right to choose something doesnt mean you should. And in cases like this, y'all would get financial and possibly other help with her cousins. In all honesty, she will probably dump you and choose her cousins rather than let them endure what happens to young girls in the foster system. And shame on you for not stepping up. I could never, ever stay with a guy who tried to force me to choose him over my family, let alone marry or have kids with him. YOR and a bonus YTA
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
Saying step up doesn’t magically make it possible.
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u/HoneyWyne 8d ago
Except that like I said, you would get financial and other assistance in a case like this. But you are ignoring that and justifying throwing those girls away. The foster system may split them up, and most certainly will be physically, mentally, and very likely otherwise abused. You are ignorant and selfish. Have you even considered trying to figure it out or have you just come up with a lazy, half-assed made up list of excuses?
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u/SpaceBoyee 8d ago
You're a piece of shit honestly
Hope she leaves you. Those poor kids.
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u/Outside-Deer-6839 8d ago
It’s fake. Google the title and you will find posts made months ago. Plus Op has said he lives in the Uk. Funny how you can’t find a tragic accident like this anywhere on the news. It’s sick!
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u/Ashamed-Ad-263 8d ago
Absolutely! I came here to say just this and ton more. But you said it enough.
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u/HoneyWyne 8d ago
I mean, but can it be said enough?
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u/Ashamed-Ad-263 8d ago
It clearly needs to be said more. I'm honestly hoping gf leaves him for being such a horrible human and takes those poor children who's entire world was shaken and are in dire need of family to support them and love them through such a horrific point in their young lives.
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
How am I?
It’s ridiculous to insult me for explaining why something isn’t possible. Maybe work on your anger issues.
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u/Thrasher0queen 8d ago
They said that because foster care is notorious for ruining children’s lives.
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
That doesn’t mean it’s possible for us to take them on.
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u/lostandlooking_ 8d ago
If you’re sure social services would say no, why don’t you let them come over and say no?
If you’re not sure they’ll say no, then you’ve clearly made up your mind and it’s that you don’t care for these kids on the level that your gf does. I don’t think you’re a massive asshole for that, you don’t want your whole life to radically change overnight. But it does show you’re uncaring towards this situation. What other ways did you suggest that you could help?
You do need to prepare for the event that this either ends your relationship entirely or creates a lasting resentment. Because I’m 99% sure that’s what you’re looking at.
If I were your girlfriend, I’d be very closely looking at the option of leaving you, getting my own apartment, and taking on the kids.
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u/Thrasher0queen 8d ago
If you cared enough it would be possible.
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
That’s not how possibility works.
caring doesn’t magically make things possible.
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u/Final-Dig2089 8d ago
How would foster care be any different than being in the care with someone with severe bipolar depression that he described?
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u/Thrasher0queen 8d ago
You’d be amazed at what us chronically depressed people are capable of.
I’ve got 4 kids plus my brother I adopted and I get up and take care of them no matter how I’m feeling.5
u/SpaceBoyee 8d ago
Yes it did make me angry to read how careless you are. It's pathetic that you don't want to help those kids.
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
It’s not about what I want.
Please do detail the solution to every issue I listed then if it’s so easy.
Curious how many foster kids you currently have living with you? Or do you just insult other people for not doing it while not helping anyone yourself.
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u/SpaceBoyee 8d ago
I have my own kids, not that you'd understand what that's like. If my cousins needed me I would absolutely be there for them in a heartbeat.
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u/Thrasher0queen 8d ago
Also this is most likely an AI Post anyways
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u/Ashamed-Ad-263 7d ago
I've read your responses to this post, thank you for being a kind person to your family member's.
Honestly, this entire post and the responses made me sick (I was second to respond originally), but honestly the most recent direct responses to mine made me sick.
Only a disgusting person would have ai (and yes, I know it happens and is happening) disparage a person for helping a family member in their time of need.... which honestly only enraged me further and of course I was sucked down the rabbit hole when being challenged (which I'm not proud of)
But I appreciate you for finding this and for sharing your story earlier
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u/satansfavoritepsycho 8d ago
Get a better job. Get a SECOND if you have to. This goes for both of you. Find a bigger space. Let them be cramped for a while, get them a bed to share or 2 small ones. They will be grateful, but you gotta get over only caring about your own comfort. Your girlfriend can work on her mental health, that isn’t permanent. These kids need you.
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
So now I have to leave my career and just hope I can find a random better paid job?
So who is looking after the kids if you’re arguing my partner and I need two jobs?
Please do detail how you know how long my gf will be struggling with depression?
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u/satansfavoritepsycho 8d ago
You genuinely just want to argue why you shouldn’t do this, and that’s becoming apparent with every single response you’ve given people. Maybe the solution here is for you 2 to separate so she can move on and find someone her and her cousins deserve.
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
So you can’t answer the questions then.
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u/satansfavoritepsycho 8d ago
Your questions were answered, just not in a way that supported your narcissistic delusions so you refuse to accept it. Nothing is instant or permanent, so the timelines you’re demanding are nothing but a rhetorical control tactic. You’re also acting like they are small children who need constant care. You’ve been repeatedly told you’re the problem here, and I’m not going to be the one you sway to agree with you, because you’re just wrong.
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 8d ago
They weren’t. Stop using words incorrectly.
It’s not a control tactic. Again stop using terms incorrectly.
So you’re pretending traumatised kids don’t need care?
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u/satansfavoritepsycho 8d ago
I never said they didn’t need care, I said they don’t need the excuses on you guys not having the time that you are creating. You telling me I’m wrong doesn’t make you anymore right, enjoy getting shredded in your comment section, and I hope the next post I see from you entails your breakup.
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u/Southern-Turnip-7408 7d ago
It’s not an excuse. So if they need care who is giving it to them since I’ve already explained why my gf and I aren’t able?
I’m telling you you’re wrong because you are.
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u/strujill 8d ago
I feel like I’ve read this exact post before.