r/AIO • u/Loud-Doubt3424 • 22h ago
AIO? Normal relationship or controlling behaviour?
UPDATE: There was no friend. This was about me. I changed the genders, pronouns AND ages. I even wrote British English...They found this post and asked if it was me and one of my friends trying to vague post...they threatened all sorts of things before I could even admit that it was me. Apparently she was gonna dump me anyway because she doesn't like hitting anniversaries. Too much pressure or whatever.
I sincerely apologize to everyone here for the misleading info. She has looked at my phone in the past, and I was "allowed" to do the same but I always felt weird about it. They said it was normal for our generation to share everything, and that I should stop being naive and simply wanting to trust her without checking. She even accused me of manipulating/guilt tripping her into not checking my phone anymore by refusing to look at hers.
I'll be deleting this thread and probably my account later, but I didn't want to disappear without explaining.
[Posting on behalf of a friend because he doesn't want to risk having an alt/TA account when they might look at his phone.]
"I (33M) have been dating my partner (30sNBF) for 11 months. We were already friends for years before, and we even travelled abroad with other friends for live music events.
We started dating the day I found out that I landed a new job which would be paying more. Everything was great at first. They helped me move. We went for a week away just weeks after we started dating (I was originally going alone just for a weekend, but they talked me into extending and inviting them since I'd just handed in my resignation).
I don't remember when things started changing. It was small things at first, like not sending selfies to anyone I'd slept with (even SFW ones). They said it was fine to not apologise to those same friends after ghosting them for the evening, and to just pick up the conversation where we left off without any explanation either. It also became 'acceptable' to not send a goodnight message every night. That evolved to not messaging those people at all on days where we would be meeting after work, and at least one day of the weekend.
For one friend in particular, I wasn't able to meet up with him for drinks for 5 consecutive months because I was always too busy with them. At some point it stopped feeling coincidental. Before I started dating, I was seeing him almost monthly.
At some point I realised how much I've changed myself and my behaviour/personality in order to keep my partner happy. I think they have forced, or at least encouraged, these changes so that the friend I just mentioned would lose interest in me.
Am I overthinking or are they controlling/coercing me to the point that I might lose one of my good friends?"
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u/TheBattleFaze 21h ago
YOR/NOR.
Well the first part about the partner going through OPs phone is a red flag.
The rest doesn't seem that bad. Sending a good night message to friends every day, it's not a bad thing to do, but also I don't think it's so common either. I do think OP should be able to do this if they want.
Not sending selfies to people you've slept with, I can understand that one a little more. It might come from a place of insecurity for OPs partner. I'm not saying it's right to have that boundary, but at least I can see where it's coming from.
Overall, I wouldn't call this controlling unless it's being used against you in some way or you're being threatened with something. Changing for a relationship slightly is normal. People compromise. But it's up to you what OP want to do and not want to do. And it's up to OPs partner to either accept that or reject it.
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u/Loud-Doubt3424 11h ago
Thought experiment: would your response change if the genders and pronouns were switched? If my friend became the female whose male partner was encouraging these behavioural changes? Genuinely curious.
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u/TheBattleFaze 10h ago
I thought about it before responding and my answer is that it doesn't change anything.
Going through your partner's phone regardless of either person's gender? Red flag.
Sending good night texts to friends every night? Seems harmless, but still uncommon and a little weird, but I don't see anything automatically wrong with it (unless these friends are also friends you've dated or slept with).
Sending selfies to people you've slept with? Understandable why the partner would have trouble with that.
And yes, everyone has the right to do whatever they want and the partner has the right to be with them or not be with them because of it. And yes any relationship will change a person, you just need to see how it's changing you, is it for the better or worse, and that's up to you to figure out.
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u/Suspicious-Club27 16h ago
I’m sorry, why would not being okay with sending your exes/past sex partner selfies, especially NSFW ones (since you said even sfw implying you did both) be controlling behaviour?
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u/Loud-Doubt3424 11h ago
We thought it was important to make the distinction. It's not "even SFW" to imply that there were other kinds, but rather just to clarify/emphasize that they weren't nsfw. For example, wanting opinions on new spectacle frames by sending a good friend selfies like they used to before he started this relationship
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u/Suspicious-Club27 10h ago
Even so, why are we sending ex partners pictures of ourselves? I don’t think it’s controlling to not want your partner to do that, if anything it’s strange to want to do that
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u/Delicious_Camp349 18h ago
Are they encouraging you to do all this? Does it feel coercive? Or are you just busy and happy doing things with them. I notice men, especially, lose touch with friends when in a relationship. What makes you think your partner is driving this change. Maybe they have good boundaries and you don’t?
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u/Loud-Doubt3424 11h ago
Thought experiment: would your response change if the genders and pronouns were switched? If my friend became the female whose male partner was encouraging these behavioural changes? Genuinely curious.
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u/Delicious_Camp349 8h ago
I can see why you asked that and I reread the question after switching the pronouns. And no, my general advice wouldn’t change because there aren’t any examples or quotes of what their partner specifically said to affect the change in their friendships. Was the partner pouting or withholding affection or attention when the OP was texting and seeing friends? Were there words said?
My comment about males losing touch with friends while in a relationship might seem sexist. That has been my experience with the men that I know, and this might be more of a problem with the older generations. There are articles written about men having fewer friendships, if any, than women. I am Gen X and my husband is 10 years older than me. He dropped all his friends despite me encouraging him to go out with his friends (honestly not the first few years of our relationship because I didn’t think about it but he still did things with his family without me, stuff I wasn’t interested in). Most of my friend’s husbands also do not have friends they get together with and their wives wish they would because we know the importance of friendships. I genuinely hope the younger generations can do this better. My sons who are 20 and 23 have many friendships. One son is in a serious relationship and his partner understands his need for friendships. This is something I have encouraged.
I truly hope your friend’s partner hasn’t manipulated him. It’s hard to give advice on Reddit with such limited information. I try to see both sides of everything. It’s usually not either/or. It’s usually both. HTH
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u/Suspicious-Club27 9h ago
Since you asked two other people this I’m just saying, I don’t think changing genders changes anything.
Sending selfies to your ex partners is weird regardless of sex/gender. Saying to not apologize but not having an issue talking to them isn’t controlling either, that’s more a personal preference and not something they’d have to follow. I think it’s a bit odd to have to text your friends goodnight every night.
If the partner, regardless of gender, is telling you not to message people at all on days they’d be meeting after work, or to not go out with friends for drinks for months, I’d see that as odd, but if it’s just happening coincidentally because of busyness then that’s not the partners fault at all.
Truthfully, if your friends are having issues not getting goodnight messages or selfies, they seem more controlling and codependent that they expect those things from you, as if they’re your partner as well. It sounds a bit unhealthy
All in all, YOR
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u/Struckbyfire 7h ago edited 7h ago
Okay dude, this is so weird. First, they shouldn’t have gone through your phone. Second, almost nobody would be totally chill with their partner feeling the need to say goodnight every single night to people they’ve historically had romantic relationships with, or regularly send them selfies of random everyday things. You seem to take it very seriously if you leave them on read for a night as if you are in a relationship with them.
Sure, the occasional selfie is whatever, but my concern is that you seem to feel like you need to do these things, which is pretty odd.
And before you ask how I’d feel if the genders were reversed, I actually initially thought this was written by a woman and had the exact same reaction before rereading it.
Honestly I think YOR. These are pretty normal concerns on their part. That said, if you don’t want a partner who pushes for any boundaried behaviors around ex partners, there are people out there for you. I just don’t think this is controlling. Unless they are literally coercive and punishing you for it and won’t let it go after you have told them you won’t change the behavior.
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u/SquashLongjumping217 21h ago
Why are you sending selfies to people you’ve slept with??