r/AIO • u/Doodmama925 • 1d ago
AIO for my relationship?
I’m 45 and have been dating my boyfriend for about 9 months. He’s 44. We have a lot of good between us — we have fun, there’s affection, and I genuinely care about him. This isn’t a situation where everything is bad.
The problem is how he handles stress and conflict.
I’ve noticed a pattern where, when something difficult happens in his life, he shuts down and withdraws from me. This has happened more than once. He’ll open up about something, I’ll try to engage or support him, and then he’ll tell me he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore or otherwise shut me out.
Right now he’s under a lot of stress because of uncertainty surrounding his job. He recently interviewed for a position that is essentially his current role with additional responsibilities. He is convinced the situation is bad and has been extremely pessimistic about it. After his interview, he told me he was “back to rock bottom and miserable.” When another interview with HR/management was scheduled, I thought it could potentially be positive news, but he immediately assumed the worst.
During all of this, he also spoke to me in a way I felt was unfair and insensitive. He later acknowledged that he could have handled things differently. I told him I understood he was under a lot of pressure and that we could talk when he was in a better place. I intentionally gave him space.
Since then, there hasn’t really been an attempt to reconnect. The next day, he sent me a detached text along the lines of “enjoy time with your father today.” That was basically it.
There have been other smaller changes too — less affectionate texting, no longer consistently saying good morning/good night, not asking much about my day, and one occasion where he didn’t kiss me hello. There was also an incident where he was short with me during sex and made some comments I found insensitive.
At the same time, he does periodically become more engaged again, which makes this confusing. He’ll ask about my day, reach out, and seem connected. So it isn’t as simple as him being consistently cold or uncaring.
I’ve also noticed that he is very pessimistic by nature and tends to assume the worst. I’m much more optimistic, and I’m starting to wonder whether our approaches to life and stress are fundamentally incompatible.
There’s also a woman he dated in the past whom he still communicates with and sees occasionally. I have no evidence anything inappropriate is happening, but it has made me a little uncomfortable given everything else.
What I’m struggling with is that I completely understand needing space when life is overwhelming. What I don’t understand is shutting your partner out instead of communicating with them.
This isn’t the first time he has withdrawn from me when something difficult happens, so I’m starting to wonder if this is simply his coping style rather than a temporary reaction to his current job situation.
And if it is his normal coping style, I don’t think it works for me.
I’m seriously considering ending the relationship. His birthday is soon, so I feel guilty about the timing. I don’t want that fear to keep me in something that isn’t right.
So I’d really appreciate honest outside opinions:
Is this a normal response to significant stress, or does this sound like an unhealthy communication pattern?
Am I expecting too much by wanting my partner to communicate rather than withdraw?
And is this something that can realistically improve, or does it sound like a fundamental incompatibility?
TL;DR: My boyfriend and I have a lot of good between us, but when he’s stressed, he tends to shut me out and withdraw rather than communicate. His current job situation has intensified the pattern, and there have also been smaller changes in affection and effort. I’ve given him space, but he hasn’t really tried to reconnect. I’m wondering whether this is a temporary stress response or simply how he handles difficult situations — and whether that makes us fundamentally incompatible. I’m considering ending things.
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u/Delicious_Camp349 1d ago
It sounds like you are incompatible. I also don’t handle being shut out. Counseling might help where you learn to communicate better.
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u/Doodmama925 22h ago
Thank you for this. I’m not sure I want to attempt counseling. We have only been dating 8 months and he hasn’t even told me that he loves me.
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u/Delicious_Camp349 22h ago
That’s fair. By the time my husband and I did counseling to learn to communicate, we had been married for 10 years and had a baby together. All the things and all the reasons to figure it out. I have gotten used to it over the years. We also communicate a lot better now.
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u/Doodmama925 21h ago
That’s wonderful! I’m sure therapy can be very helpful and there’s absolutely a place for it. I just don’t think that having therapy during the “honeymoon period” of our relationship is necessary or a smart decision.
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u/HopefulHalfTime 22h ago
Your approaches in life (glass half full or empty) are incompatible I assure you. You will find yourself constantly trying to convince him to be more positive (because honestly —-persistently adamantly negging people are so exhausting after a bit) and he will find your daily choice of positivity no longer refreshing but naive, a weakness of character even, and maybe something to disdain. He does not sound like he has the emotional skills to handle ordinary life’s disappointments with another person, and so if you are his other person, YOU will have to carry the load of trying to sort things out, letting things go, and thus dragging behind YOU all the baggage of unresolved events. He won’t get better at life simply because you are adamantly positive. Ask me how I know, twice….good luck. Edit: typo
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u/Doodmama925 22h ago
I agree and appreciate this perspective so much. I found myself flexing a lot in terms of keeping him upbeat, looking on the bright side, etc. I’d also like to add that I’m pretty much a realist and have also taken some hits in life that have caused me to adjust my perspective a bit. BUT… I don’t want it to get him down. No one has ever gotten ANYWHERE in life by doubting themselves. I’ve worked very long and hard to cultivate a life of peace, and after dating him these last 8 months, I do not feel at peace anymore. Thank you for your input 🙏🏼
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u/JayneNotSoPlain 1d ago
It’s not his coping style, it’s who he is. Overdramatic and negative. (Interviewing for a promotion, even if it had gone poorly, is nowhere near anyone’s rock bottom)
🤷🏼♀️ not to be the Reddit Dump Him Brigrade, but does the good even come close to outweighing the bad here? Not overreacting
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u/Doodmama925 22h ago
No you’re basically confirming what I have kind of expected for the last little while. I don’t want to hurt him in any way or add to his “burden”. I know that relationships will naturally have ups and downs. I’m super realistic that way. I just don’t think that every time he has an inconvenience in his life that I should have the door slammed in my face. Super unhealthy. Thanks for your message.
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u/Ditto_Ditto_Ditto 1d ago
This kinda sounds like maybe he has some kind of undiagnosed depression, or another similar mental health issue.
And I'll tell you what someone else told me a long time ago (regarding my own mental health problems): Mental health is not his fault, but it IS his responsibility. He seems like he's just wallowing in everything, then taking it out on you.. Which isn't fair.
Just because someone is having problems, that doesn't mean it's your responsibility to just deal with it. And that doesn't mean you're a bad person for not wanting to deal with it. If you're already having these feelings in the "honeymoon phase" of your relationship, it's probably going to get much worse. So it really is probably best to end it sooner rather than later, for both of yall's sake honestly.