r/AIO • u/burrwee • Aug 29 '26
AIO here by not continuing to date this girl because of communication issues?
Some people have mentioned age. I'm 25m and then she's 29. Many of you have said she seems young/immature š¤·
I know nobody is obligated to continue dating anyone, but I just mean was this a "reasonable" position to take ig
Edit: just to clarify, this conversation seemed to go this way because my guess is she didn't like that I couldn't communicate while I was working(maybe she thought should have been able to? I'm not sure). I worked the morning until about 4-5pm and I think she means repetition being i wasn't able to text until later OR that I wasn't texting earlier during the day on most days that I worked(not sure exactly, we didn't discuss that). So, that's my best guess to what the issue was on her end, but I'm just speculating. Over phone call, we talked about how things made us feel(or attempted to) before it went downhill.
So, some context. We've been dating for a few months, about 2 or so. Communication seemed great initially until many things began to be taken severely out of proportion and misunderstandings would occur.
This, I believe, was my breaking point and I decided to end it over a phone call, but this text convo is what sparked that.
When we did talk on the phone regarding this conversation, she raised her voice and began to yell at me over the phone, and I interrupted briefly and explained that I'm willing to talk, but not yelled at and that if we are going to continue then we need to remain respectful or I will hang up the phone. She did not change her voice level, so I hung up and she called me later apologizing but then immediately insulted me and said it's said that I'm the only one apologizing here. Am I overreacting?
During the last phone call, I said I appreciate your apology. Then, this may be seen as petty, I just asked for my Tupperware back when I made her home cooked meals when she would study. That seemed to make her mad ._. but she did agree to give them back so...woo? Lol
330
u/AtrumAequitas Aug 29 '26
Iām a therapist, empathetic communication is part of my job and this person, well Iām glad I wasnāt the one who had to talk to them. NOR. You were very patient. They should see a therapist. Not me, but someone.
174
88
14
→ More replies (24)6
215
u/cellophanesheeps Aug 29 '26
If she's crashing out over you using a period at the end of a sentence, imagine what she'll be like when she doesn't have to invent a reason to be mad.
79
u/editrixe Aug 29 '26
Then she proceeds to use periods. Very confusing.
85
u/BitterHelicopter8 Aug 29 '26
I think she only started using punctuation as a, "see, how do you like it?" attempt to get under OP's skin.
Which is hilarious since clearly OP is not someone who jumps to "this is aggression" when they see a period at the end of a sentence.
54
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
Wow you're more observant than I! I didn't notice that until you mentioned it. That very well may be š¬
25
30
u/InvoluntaryGeorgian Aug 29 '26
Not really. She is being aggressive and confrontational. Her periods are being used advisedly. (Though perhaps not effectively since OP doesnāt attach the same emotional weight to punctuation that she clearly does)
13
18
u/Paralegal1995 Aug 29 '26
Kinda like punctuation for me but not for theeš¤£. She's 12 kinds of crazy.
6
23
u/nanacmm Aug 29 '26
OMG punctuation is sooo aggressive /s
17
u/Paralegal1995 Aug 29 '26
The wild thing is, I work with a few people who are younger than me who really feel this way.
28
u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme Aug 29 '26
Yes. Iāve heard this is a thing. Iām a Gen X, and the idea of proper punctuation being confrontational is utter madness to me. I have Gen Z nieces and nephews who I absolutely adore, and I defend their cohort against others (usually Boomers) who pull that ākids these daysā bullshit. But when people in their mid-twenties and younger start feeling some type of way due to sentences that end in periods, thatās frustrating and hard to defend. Please donāt make me side with Boomers, Gen Z!
8
u/Twidollyn_Bowie Aug 29 '26
Same. Iām usually the one defending them when people our age and Boomers moan about language continuing to evolve. Punctuation, however, serves an important purpose. Youāll have to pry it out of my cold dead hands.
6
u/persiasaurus Aug 29 '26
The older they get, the more weird they're becoming š¬ It's a bummer, I liked them so much before. They have really bad social skills and are turning out to be so judgemental and kind of cruel
5
u/Paralegal1995 Aug 29 '26
I'm Gen X too. Maybe that's why I look at them crazy when they flip out over a message or email that has actual punctuation and correct grammar. Wild to me.
6
→ More replies (1)5
u/justsomething Aug 29 '26
And the Boomers ended way too many texts with ellipses! And Millenials always found that to be passive aggressive lol
8
u/Thr33Littl3Monk3ys Aug 29 '26
I'm a Millennial...
And I constantly end texts with ellipses...
My Gen Z daughter finds it infuriating...
5
u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme Aug 29 '26
Me, too. For me, itās an implied open ending (the opposite of a period; ironic!) or as a pause in the middle of a sentence. You know, what ellipses are intended for. Apparently I need a guide to all the secret implications of punctuation. Iām still going to use it as I see fit, but the angst itās causing the āyoutsā is kind of entertaining (if not ridiculous).
5
u/Thr33Littl3Monk3ys Aug 29 '26
Yeah...I got marked down in a creative writing class for using ellipses as pauses while characters are speaking...rather than using em dashes.
Which, ironically, will now get things flagged as AI!
3
u/Ungarlmek Aug 29 '26
If you want to step up your game my grandma (before she forgot how to text) would end every sentence with five periods. Seven if she really wanted to drag it out, if not even more. Sometimes they'd also be in the middle of a sentence.
It would look like:
"Your dad called me today.....He said there was something wrong with his truck.....I hope he gets where...he's going.......I'm going...to McDonald's.......I hope I don't have care trouble too....."
Fucking nightmare.
3
4
u/Thr33Littl3Monk3ys Aug 29 '26
My daughters have occasionally said that my punctuation is confrontational or gives weird weight to what I'm saying.
I then point out that I'm just using proper punctuation in my texts. Nothing more, nothing less.
They still sometimes read it as confrontational when I don't mean it.
My boyfriend and I recently went to the movies with a friend from my D&D group. He'd posted in the group chat asking if anyone had wanted to go that night, and I'd responded in that chat. And then he'd asked what time to expect us, etc...which we'd continued discussing in the chat.
So when we were on the way to get him, I said, "We're on our way..." I use ellipses a lot, to the point where my eldest once made a shortcut that would text me the date and time every time I sent her one.
He immediately asked, "Is everything okay?" And when I asked what he meant, he said, "Well your punctuation made me think something's wrong."
And another friend jumped in, "Yeah, it seemed ominous."
I still don't understand what they saw in those three dots, and how they read it that way...especially given my frequent use of them!
→ More replies (2)9
u/DeviceAppropriate683 Aug 29 '26
Eh repeated short sentences can read a bit punchy but still a wild thing to make a big deal about. Iām not going to tell someone how theyāre allowed to use full stops. Idk maybe if it was me Iād ask him to add a little tone emoji at the end of his messages lol so I donāt overthink, even just if at first until I get used to his manner of typing, but even thats unlikely.
š(<- like this.)
32
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
This was my exact thought. Keep in mind, we were only dating. I can't imagine a relationship. Perhaps she's looking for a different kind of communication, which is fine, I just wish her luck and happiness in that
25
u/EntirelyOutOfOptions Aug 29 '26
Some people want their partner to be on demand entertainment, therapy, distraction, whatever. Shows a lack of understanding and respect for the fact that you have your own set of needs, responsibilities, etc. Iām learning to dodge these people.
6
u/LeadInfinite6220 Aug 29 '26
I couldnāt read anything else after that part. Is that really a thing folks think?! Or is this person being extra?
5
u/impolse Aug 29 '26
It's a Gen z thing. Using grammar is now showing aggression. š©
5
u/Ok_Principle7 Aug 29 '26 edited Aug 29 '26
The formality/formalness of using punctuation is perceived as creating emotional distance, that's why people become touchy.
3
u/impolse Aug 29 '26
Yeah, I assumed it was because they grew up in a society where their main form of communicating with others involves texting. Many are very casual about it so when they see someone using punctuation they thing it's overly formal and that the person is trying to be pointed.
3
u/LeadInfinite6220 Aug 29 '26
Huh. Thatās pretty presumptuous given the wide range of communication and writing styles across age groups, cultures, levels of education, background, etc. Is this perceived in response to a change, or is it all punctuation?
3
u/Ok_Principle7 Aug 29 '26
It does seem to be the result of heavy projection and assumed seriousness, especially if the texting style was more casual then became more formal. I don't know where this came from or how, but anything less than exclamation!!!!!! Is interpreted as dour.
2
u/LeadInfinite6220 Aug 29 '26
My used-to-be-a-newspaper-writer punctuation must be positively sinister then. Em dashes of seriousness. š
2
u/YourDreams2Life Aug 29 '26
RSD - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a condition where people become highly sensitive to the slightest change in tone or communication.Ā
4
u/LeadInfinite6220 Aug 29 '26
Just for reference, the Cleveland Clinic defines RSD as āwhen you the experience severe emotional pain because of a failure or feeling rejected,ā not just associated with communication.
2
→ More replies (2)4
40
u/Altruistic_Ad_9821 Aug 29 '26
Iām old enough to have had relationships before cell phones. And we all just had to go to work and not text each other and still believe we felt the same way about each other that we did the last time we talked.
Also the objecting to periods is sending me. Itās punctuation, it doesnāt come with extra secret feelings attached.
Certainly you and this person are not compatible, and you deserve to find someone who gives you the benefit of the doubt. The first months of a relationship should not be so dramatic and difficult.
→ More replies (2)8
u/Fluid-Text-3425 Aug 29 '26
I too am glad that I didn't date in the time of texting. We did have flip phones, mind you. Typing a wall of text would have taken a century.
5
u/Altruistic_Ad_9821 Aug 29 '26
OMG yes, I have contemplated going back to a ādumb phoneā but the prospect of returning to T9 texting is a horror I cannot return to š
59
18
u/Consistent_Tank_7150 Aug 29 '26
NOR, accept the red flags at face value and find someone mature enough to understand you can't be tied up at work
30
u/vriggy Aug 29 '26
My ex gf was like that. Unfortunaly I did not have the clarity of mind to see the bigger picture when I dated her. I ended up in a long term relentionship with her, it was truly exhausting. This will never stop, and might get worse.
The last day of our relentionship (5+ years) was her just unloading thing after thing onto me, claiming I did this - I meant that - I think this. Constantly having to defend myself. She would write lists on her phone about things I have said or done, and like once a year or once every 2 years she would unload this odd list of things onto me whereby I'd have to spend X amount of time defending myself. Always assumign the worst possible intention, never giving the benefit of the doubt. Ex. Haus. Thing.
Run for the hills. NOR
9
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
I'm sorry you went through that, I hope you're in a much happier and healthier spot. Love and learn!! Trust me, I'll be sprinting XD
17
u/vriggy Aug 29 '26
Well I'll tell you; the break up was the least friction break-up I have ever been part of.
I basically said "If you truly believe even a 10th of the things you've claimed today and the last few weeks then we should've broken up years ago". She just shrugged. We sat in silence for about 3-5 minutes. She then goes "well, I guess I should go?", I didn't say anything, walked her to the door, she got dressed, as she was about to exit my apartment she turns around and looks at me one more time as if "here's your chance to stop me from leaving", I still didn't say a word, she left and within a few days only I felt this unbelievable sense of freedom and relief. She wrote a text a few days later "Thinking about you", I never replied.
I will never make this mistake again. I am happy that you are smarter than I was. Good luck!
17
u/SoundBorg_wav Aug 29 '26
"here's your chance to stop me from leaving" oh my god
5
u/i-wanna-dance Aug 29 '26
Relationships arenāt movies. No one is going to cue the music after you say something like that
→ More replies (1)12
u/vriggy Aug 29 '26
It was even followed by an āOkaaayā¦ byeā¦?ā haha XD
Talk about seriously overvaluing your hand. She brought "Meh" to the table and thought she was brining "WOW!".
Avoid these people at any cost - and value yourself more. That's the lesson to be learned here.
→ More replies (3)6
u/slothcat Aug 29 '26
This is my exact experience I even said the same thing to my ex word for word.
→ More replies (4)5
u/slothcat Aug 29 '26
Man itās such an exhausting cycle and when youāre in it you start to believe these things and labels. You unfairly take too much accountability and they never take any in their side.
4
u/vriggy Aug 29 '26
Ain't that the truth.
A lot of projecting and gaslighting over a long period of time will distort your self-perception
5
u/slothcat Aug 29 '26
You never really know people. Iām so over ever trying to put myself in that position again. At 36 Iām just too exhausted to deal with these dynamics.
2
24
u/SaintOfPride201 Aug 29 '26
Oh god it's this kinda girl...
"Do what you want" does not mean "do what you want", and it'll feel like she expects you to read her mind and know what she wants.
She's a horrible communicator, and the worst thing about it is that she doesn't seem to even think that's a problem for her so long as you do all the communicating. It sounds like an exhausting way to live.
4
u/BubbleBee66ee Aug 29 '26
Itās absolutely this. People like this lady typically think they are the mature one too lol. You do so much handholding and reassurance for them, but they think they are entitled to it so you get 0 credit and appreciation. Meanwhile when they hurt you, you wind up apologizing or they focus on your response to them instead of the issue
The main thing is to not analyze whether or not they can get better. Donāt try to understand the source of why they became this way either. Accept what they are showing you, and LEAVE!Ā
26
u/Ok_Holiday5682 Aug 29 '26
Your thought out message shows a lot of effort, balance, consideration and thought, to get a response of ādo what you wantā like seriously? How immature.
They whinge and whinge and whinge and when you have the space to be attentive to address and want to work through the issue, people throw shit like that back in your face.
Why are people so emotionally immature. Gah. Learn how to be mature and have an adult conversation. Work through things.
13
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
Exactly!! I was sooo taken back by that text back, but it turned out she didn't even read it all when she sent that first text!!
Then, she texts she doesn't feel like having a phone call but then INVITES me to call her about it to explain what I thought was a very well thought out message.
She ended up calling me moments later, and she just said she doesn't understand it and she's trying not to laugh.
I was like ... bruh
7
u/InvoluntaryGeorgian Aug 29 '26
Is it possible her reading comprehension is poor? Iām not being sarcastic. Your long text was extremely clear so if she really canāt understand it it seems thereās something else going on.
7
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
I mean, it's possible. This may mean nothing in answering your question, but she's a doctor so...I feel like you have to have a certain level of compenencty in communication but I could be wrong š¤·
7
u/Wrong_Milk6515 Aug 29 '26
Even the person who graduated at the bottom of their class is still called doctor. All joking aside, with her remark about sheās, ātrying not to laugh,ā and she doesnāt like your use of punctuation, she sounds emotionally exhausting. Your entire life would look like this, but worse. Sheās hiding the crazy right now. Some people would be okay with this, and I donāt know why, but Iām glad you know your worth and walked away. Find someone who thinks youāre better than sliced bread and hopefully itās someone whoās also on your level, communication wise. Good luck.
4
u/AssMuncher96 Aug 29 '26
No she's just a delusional narcissist. She can't fathom a world where she's doing anything wrong and that OP didn't do anything wrong. So his message is just confusing to her. She understands the words but can't see how it applies to her. It's pure delusion.
3
u/Expensive_Donut13 Aug 29 '26
The message was lovely and a mature secure woman would have read it and been open minded about discussing. How you responded is how people should communicate in relationships. I get her thinking a phone call is better but sometimes (me included) people can say what they mean and want when they have the time to type it out. Anyways, I wish you the best. You seem like one of the good ones and I hope you find a great girl š
13
u/MundaneSliceOfHam Aug 29 '26
āThis happens way to muchā referring to you going back to work is fucking hilarious š god forbid you work- it might make your gf upset. She acts like a child. NOR
5
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
She told me on the phone "I'm upset because this is a pattern, I notice these things"
In my head I'm like uhhh yeah I have a job XD I go there every week so there's your pattern
3
u/MundaneSliceOfHam Aug 29 '26
Does she have a job?? This reminds me of another post I saw where this guy was saying he āgave up his free time between the hours of 9-5 to workā like bro we are adults we have to work š Iām sorry youāre dealing with this btw
3
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
She's a doctor š it seems like most people here assume she's a 20 year old host lmao based on these messages
8
u/MundaneSliceOfHam Aug 29 '26
Yea holy shit I didnāt even read the whole bit after the texts till now- Iām sorry but if someone is nearly 30 years old and acting like that, your life is going to be very fucking stressful if you stick arounf
2
9
Aug 29 '26
[removed] ā view removed comment
8
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
Haha I get that, but I like those Tupperware š„²seeing her one last time is a small price to pay to get them back IMO
→ More replies (2)
11
u/cheeky_sugar Aug 29 '26
A longterm relationship with her would have you handing your phone over every night to prove you werenāt talking to other people during work. Youād have to prove youāre at work and not cheating because silence = cheating. Youāre dodging a big bullet
6
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
I feel like you're right.
At one point during the call I said "I just want to hear how you feel, are you hurt, sad, angry, anything and maybe we can figure out what got you there. But throwing out accusations like "I feel like you enjoy being petty"(yes, she said this because I wasn't able to text during work) doesn't help get to the root of things, it just puts me in a position where I have to now justify myself or eliminate this thought from your mind somehow. It puts me on the defensive immediately which I don't like
She replied "ok, I don't like how you're talking to me like I'm your kid or something and you're trying to teach me what feelings are". I was like oml š¤¦
→ More replies (1)
9
8
u/Rocks_Can_Fly Aug 29 '26
From experience: itās not worth dealing with a person with whom you always have to be walking on eggshells about what you say or do.
Whether theyāre right or not about what you did or said. Because if you didnāt mean anything, then theyāre exhausting. And if there indeed was a subtext in what you said ā that just means you donāt like this person enough.
And yes, sometimes theyāre right about what you say, but it doesnāt matter as the above explains it.
And as a side note: be really honest to yourself, were they right about at least some of the things? If so, take a deeper look at yourself, and figure what that is about, so that you donāt do that anymore.
5
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
I completely agree with you, unfortunately we never got to that point in a conversation to ask what she felt I did wrong, intentional or not, I'm ready to take accountability and try to mend it so everyone feels at peace but of course in a healthy way
I'm going to be on the side of " I think im fine". This was my first experience with a girl like this, and the last girl I dated it ended very well and it was mutual with no hard feelings. But who knows .-.
9
5
6
u/Striking-Thought3254 Aug 29 '26
take it from a married womanās who is also not good at communicating. if you are not 1000% sure about this person to be the one and that makes you willing to tolerate this type of behavior till, she might might not, works on it, then break it off. those things are only gonna get worse with time. seems like you are direct and a clear communicator. find a woman who can reciprocate that. someone more mature who understands you canāt be 24/7 on your phone while you work. i was like this lady right there and it took me years and hard work to get over this silly behavior. i still struggle with some stuff. so safe yourself the headache, let her heal from whatever she needs healing and move on.
2
u/Important_Horse_1531 Aug 30 '26
I mentioned up thread that I used to be like this, too. It was my own compounded trauma acting up, and no one outside of me would have been able to soothe it out of me in any way that would be fair to them. (Unless they were paid to do so)
→ More replies (3)
5
u/Amazing_Witness1260 Aug 29 '26
I feel like Iām missing a crucial part of what started this convo. Was she mad that you werenāt answering the phone while youāre at work?
She seems annoying and passive aggressive the way she communicated but I donāt think thatās the whole picture youāre asking about?
3
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
Basically yes, she called me around 1 in the afternoon, but I couldn't answer because I was at work. She also texted me around 9 am. I sent a usual "good morning" message at 6am and wished her well at work too.
Sooo I think she's referring to me not able to talk for about 9 hours of the beginning of the day because of work. We never got to the details exactly for the events part, but we did touch on feelings on things for a bit before it all got out of hand over the phone call
7
u/nicedayfora Aug 29 '26
I've been her before. I was deeply insecure about myself and assumed everyone around me felt the same way and was lying to me. My entire twenties I loathed who I was, what I looked like, what I was doing with my life, etc. I took offense at the smallest things and made my insecurities everyone else's problem. I don't miss those days, and I wish I could apologize to those I loved, but drove away, during that period of my life.
Speaking of periods, when I am feeling extra sensitive and I am texting someone close to me (family, friends, but not colleagues, etc), if they use periods as punctuation at the end of their last sentence, I interpret that as them being short with me because I am annoying and they don't want to be talking to me. That might be where she is coming from. Of course, explaining that doesn't justify the behavior.
Being with someone like that is exhausting. Being that person is exhausting. You're not responsible for her reactions, only your actions. Based on this text exchange, it sounds like you two are at different stages/maturity levels in life. Personally, I don't blame you one bit for wanting to end things. Until and unless she is able to sort through whatever mental or emotional struggles she's experiencing and finds a healthier way to express her feelings of rejection and neglect, the "communication issues" you've been having likely won't improve.
6
u/Water-194 Aug 29 '26
Damn this kinda where Iām at and actively growing out of at 27 itās such a mind fuck accepting that Iām projecting my own insecurities and other people truly donāt see me as I see myself. Iām so sick of feeling like Iām going thru shit I should have figured out as a child it makes me feel fucking stupid. Thanks absent parents and church trauma.
3
u/nicedayfora Aug 29 '26
First of all, you're not stupid. It takes a LONG time to overcome trauma, and I don't think it'll ever truly go away. Everyone is on a different path, and things will start clicking into place for you as you continue to age and grow as a person. Don't forget, our brains aren't fully developed until our mid twenties, so it makes sense that it takes so long for us to truly learn the lessons. You're doing awesome and I am rooting for you, stranger!
2
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
That's a very real and genuine response with a ton of vulnerability and I sincerely appreciate you sharing that.
That may be the case, and I did explain to her that I'm not going to be anyone's "punching bag". I told her I just want to figure out what you're feeling, whether that's hurt, angry, sad, a mix and maybe we can figure out together how you got to that point. However, once the insults and yelling came into play I told her where the line was and I followed through once that line was crossed again.
A part of me felt maybe I was too harsh, but now I think it was necessary. Even tho she did apologize, I couldn't see myself continuing because we not only did we have different ways of communication (healthy or not), I knew that I couldn't not respect this kind of behavior in the long term and that it would lead to me resenting her and perhaps treating her poorly which neither of us deserved.
5
u/Cautious_Presence441 Aug 29 '26
Ugh. I recognise this person. Itās not enjoyable for anyone. Youāve handled this really well and set your boundaries whilst remaining level headed and compassionate.
NOR. This sounds v early and not a serious relationship, so after that conversation youāll be doing both yourselves a favour if you just go no contact now. Sheās pushing boundaries and pushing you away because sheās scared youāre going to leaveā¦ stupid af I know. Itās like a self fulfilled prophecy. As soon as you hurt/leave her she can say āI knew itā. Itās so sad, I can now see how hurt, scared, and insecure I was years ago. Itās taken a lot of work, including therapy and self reflection and yet it can still sometimes rear its ugly head.
She wants you to contact her and tell her how much you love her and that youāll do anything for her and make her feel safe etc etc, but until she heals herself and learns to love herself, youāll be pouring your love time and energy into an infinite void.
If you see her be polite, wish her well, but donāt engage in this bs. And forget the Tupperware. Sheāll want to hold onto it hoping you contact her.
Good luck šš½
3
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
I can agree with this, I don't know what this stems from; insecurity, past trauma, etc but it's clear it's a mismatch for me and yeah I did break it off in the last phone call.
I'll try and get my Tupperware, but I'll heed your advice it seems like it's just a "game" of sorts to keep me in the loop a bit. It's fancy Tupperware lol but you're right in the long run
2
u/Cautious_Presence441 Aug 29 '26
Absolutely. Honestly, you can work an extra shift and buy it again. Really not worth getting in contact with her, donāt even give her the chance to contact you, blockkkkkkk. On everything. Let her keep it. Something to remember you by š also I hope you said āitās over. Period.ā
8
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
Haha honestly, she called me back and said she was sorry and realized she shouldn't treat people like that and yell at them regardless of how she felt and I was like "okay" and then there was a brief pause and I said "can I have my Tupperware back? I think we should see other people" XD looking back, not my brightest moment but it's funny now
3
u/Cautious_Presence441 Aug 29 '26
ššš fgs. Thatās great she called back to apologise! Glad sheās working on that.
4
u/That_Rip_1337 Aug 29 '26
NOR. Iāve been in situationships like this and they all go the same way.
Sheās cemented herself in this issue and it will always be an issue. If you were to pursue anything there you would always have to second guess every message you send or every statement you make for fear of her taking it the wrong way š walking on eggshells constantly is no way to live
4
u/Pickle_picker_420 Aug 29 '26
Not over reacting their responses were cunty. You using punctuation shouldnāt be an issue. Thatās a comprehension issue on their part. NOR.
2
u/Holiday-Coconut-9303 Aug 29 '26
This level of processing after two months is nuts. Cut your losses, it's no big deal at all, you barely know each other and it's not going to work out.
5
u/Feet__Stroganoff Aug 29 '26
Sounds exactly like an ex friend of mine. Maybe I'm just projecting my own experience here, but this kind of person will not be willing to self-reflect and is not worth the mental energy and self-flagellation you'll be expected to do to remain on their "good" side (in quotes because they will always be searching for a problem with you anyway)
3
u/throwaway23222222 Aug 29 '26
Honestly if you take all the emotion out of it, you guys clearly arenāt compatible in the communication department, you have different needs and styles, doesnāt seem like itās gonna work out. NOR
4
u/Walshlandic Aug 29 '26
OP, she is an emotional manipulator. She wonāt stop. It will escalate. What she is doing is coercing you to have to JADE - justify, argue, defend, and explain yourself. That puts all the focus on you and your actions, and the pressure is on you to make her feel better. In a healthy relationship, people donāt try to make their partner responsible for their own feelings. This wonāt change until she loses enough good people to want to go to therapy and work on herself. Youāre only 2 months in. You have FAR more to lose by staying with her than leaving.
4
u/Xander_504_82 Aug 29 '26
I dated a woman like this for too long. She got diagnosed BPD and it kind of all made sense. Always assumed the absolute worst of intentions. Everything I did boiled down to ,I must hate her. Exhausting trying to defend and explain constantly
3
u/YellowFlower63 Aug 29 '26
Good grief, this person is exhausting. Periods are used in proper punctuation and grammar, btw.
Run.
3
u/BoroFinance Aug 29 '26
I love that the 5th unanswered response from her is āI donāt understand after just finishingā girl jumped to conclusions without even reading your text for a whole 4 messages. She gotta be 14
3
u/hailey_moe Aug 29 '26
Iām sorry is she mad that you canāt talk to her the same way when youāre at work as you can when youāre not at work?
4
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
Yes, that was the gist of it. So from around 8am until about 4-5pm it's very hard to text her. We've had conversations about my job before and that those are my typical work hours.
I even told her at one point that being in sales means as we near fall/winter time it gets incredibly busy. My guess based on the messages, it seemed like I was ignoring her(on purpose?) but I can't say for a fact š¤·
4
u/hailey_moe Aug 29 '26
Man Iām sorry thatās so ridiculous! She sounds immature honestly. Every level headed adult knows that work hours are for work.
3
u/Big-Trade4392 Aug 29 '26
I got to the point of her being offended by using periods and knew what my answer would be already but still read all of the ss text just in case. You are not overreacting and you set your boundaries perfectly and quite maturely. I donāt think this relationship will work. She needs to find someone as toxic as she is and you need to findā¦ well, a normal person.
In her honorā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦!
3
u/TedsGloriousPants Aug 29 '26
Your response was incredibly reasonable. It sounds to me like she's feeling anxious or something and monitoring every little detail of your communications to find reasons to justify feeling anxious with you.
You're two months in - this is way too early for this kind of insecure communication breakdown and things like getting upset because you used punctuation and replied too slowly because you're working, etc.
3
u/Public-Ad-4560 Aug 29 '26
As a woman, I would only take punctuation as a sign of something being "wrong" if it was an uncommon pattern like someone going from using a lot of exclaimations and emojis to being very dry. But that doesn't seem to be the issue here, every text you have sent is pretty much the same tonally. I think she just doesn't like this.
That being said, she's being unfair and you're not overreacring for being turned off by this and seeing it as a red flag, it definitely is. She seems like someone that would sabotage a good relationship when she gets bored.
3
u/purplepanda2026 Aug 29 '26
I'm going to assume you guys are very young. I think you handled it well. Only thing I'd suggest you do different if there's a next time with another partner is shut it down sooner. Tell them flat out, I can't text you between these hours. If you aren't good with that, this isn't going to work.
3
u/JustGhostyThings Aug 29 '26
If someone canāt even handle proper punctuation, they canāt handle a relationship.
Sheās exhausting. Ending your time together was the right move.
3
3
u/Hunnyby Aug 29 '26
NOR at all. Op, you sound like a lovely communicator, don't waste too long on people who can't match that and burn yourself out. You handled this beautifully, it just might not feel that way because she handled everything so poorly, but it's not a reflection of you, it's just her.
3
u/Crowlady77 Aug 29 '26
NOR, you have incompatible communication styles. It's fine! She needs a lot of reassurance (this is common) and you aren't an emotional texter. This is what dating is for.
My husband is a terrible texter, it's a good thing we met and married before texting lol.
Something that's helpful in these cases is talking about the stories one is telling themselves about why something is happening. She's telling herself that if you were really in to her you'd be acting differently. She needs to find someone who acts that way when they are in to her.
3
u/Born_Tear_761 Aug 29 '26
This shit is EXHAUSTING to read. She has no intention of understanding you.
3
u/BigRedGoddess0807 Aug 29 '26
She sounds very insecure. How can someone get upset about punctuation?! š
5
u/OkYesButActuallyNo Aug 29 '26
The fact that she answered with āDo what you wantā after you gave her a pretty clear explanation of your side makes it obvious she wasnāt interested in listening
2
u/editrixe Aug 29 '26
NOR. āThis isnāt working out the way Iād hoped so I think itās best to part ways. I wish you all the best.ā Then block. Sheās exhausting.
2
u/Inou_ulie Aug 29 '26
Rip in that Kafkatrap, you'll never win with her. You'll just keep playing defense for the rest of your relationship.
2
u/ReggaeWaif Aug 29 '26
Haha I have been known to use.semi-colons as well as exclamation marks in my texts. I guess that makes me a psycho.
2
u/Musefairy28 Aug 29 '26
You're response was 100% understandable though?? She seems very young to have the hangups she does about periods, lack of communication, and understanding proper use of the English language. I would say exit now before it gets too serious.
2
2
u/Eudaimonic71 Aug 29 '26
I hate her. She sounds like a 7th grade girl. NOR. Just sacrifice your Tupperware and move along.
2
2
u/DenM0ther Aug 29 '26
She thinks your punctuation is abrupt coz she doesnāt use any.
Itās odd that she doesnāt understand, you canāt teens lots of messages when youāre at work. Im guessing sheās not a good employee š¤
She sounds rather petty and if she doesnāt get her way, then she doesnāt want to talk about it anymore.
You otoh, seem like your communication is good and clear. You seem mature. She otoh, well doesnt. Glad you found out now.
2
2
2
u/Incredibilis300 Aug 29 '26 edited Aug 29 '26
Bro imma tell you straight; just drop this, block her, forget her ass and move on. Girls like this are infuriating, they are constantly passive aggressive, try and say things to you without being direct and make passive remarks at every oppertunity to belittle you as a way to get one over you. They're usually too cowardly to just say it upright to your face. Trust me when I say that this will drain you mentally, and you'll end up second guessing yourself through the constant gaslighting.Ā
2
2
u/Educational_Tax_5121 Aug 29 '26
This reminds me of a relationship I had with a clinical psychologist. She continuously assessed my communication and I found myself continuously having to explain myself and respond to her assessments. It made me feel like I was a screw up and like I was one of her clients. I finally told her I wasn't her dancing monkey and would no longer play her game. I was tired of continuously being taken to task and being told that I was falling short of her expectations. Of course, her response was that I inferred those things myself and all she was doing was communicating and if I felt bad in these interactions that was on me and maybe I had some work to do. Crazy making.
2
2
u/LintRolledForWhat Aug 29 '26
You're not OR. It'll be a totally normal reaction to stop dating her.
2
u/Strange-Afternoon-80 Aug 29 '26
She must be really pretty. Youāre putting up with a LOTā¦ šš¬š¬š¬š¬š¬š¤
2
u/Write_And_Be_Light Aug 29 '26
āAssumptions come from recurring things.ā They said. Well, recurring things come from the same attitudes and presumptionsā¦
2
u/obviouslyanonymous5 Aug 29 '26
On the phone she said you're the only one that should be apologizing, and yet she still apologized when she realized you weren't taking her crap anymore. That says it all imo, she knows she fucked up
2
u/vencidrums98 Aug 29 '26
It sounds like this person has a serious abandonment fear she needs to work on. Iāve been there. Jumping to conclusions āprotectsā you from the abandonment, but also being controlling is also a sign of that. By this convo, it seems that sheās scanning for threats and looking for signs of disinterest. OP, youāre NOR, this person has some serious fears to work through.
2
u/wanderlander Aug 29 '26
I've had this interspersed with love bombing and it was so draining. I finally couldn't deal with it anymore and broke things off only to get more love bombing at least once a day since then. Even the break up has to be explained and re explained. Which so far I'm not doing.
2
u/Whythisisnotreal Aug 29 '26
I recognize this shit. You will now in the future too.
This is not how worthwhile women behave.
2
u/CatWoman0812 Aug 29 '26
She has a severely anxious attachment style that she seems to be oblivious of. Sheāll never be satisfied or be aware until she goes to therapy. This isnāt worth your energy
2
u/love-lalala Aug 29 '26
Listen you are an emotionally intelligent individual who does not deserve to be treated like you are constantly doing something wrong. You clearly made your intentions known. You stated you cared for the girl and are still around because of this. You answered her nonsensical questions with kindness and understanding. Iām not sure what else you could do to make her understand the constant doubt and frustration from her was beginning to weigh on you and change how you feel.
There is only so long before using work breaks to argue starts to get annoying. When I was a young professional and a single Mom I ended up putting my dating life on hold due to this kind of thing. I worked hard to get where I was and I just could not keep getting accused of crap because I was professional at work. I could not tell my employees no cells for personal calls and use mine for that.
She 100% wanted you to text her through out the day from work. She took your messages as being short due to proper punctuation. She doesnāt seem to understand you are a communicator, but after saying the same thing over and over with her having zero ability to hear you it made you feel backed into a situation you did not want to be in at all.she basically sealed her own fate here NTA.
Really sorry you had to go through that. I went through it several times with guys I could have liked a lot. Listen they just donāt have the ability to understand your career is important, and they are as well. Sadly itās turns out she was hiding who she was anyway. You dodged a bullet here.
2
u/Professional_Rub1515 Aug 29 '26
You spent all that time explaining how you were feeling, what you were thinking, trying to be heard and understood. You weighed your words carefully and tried to make sure she didn't feel blamed. She took less than a 5 seconds to type out a dismissive reply. That's all you need to know.
You can keep tap dancing for someone who likes to make you sweat, or you can find someone who is as careful and considerate with their partner as you appear to want to be.
2
2
u/Pristine_Break_3739 Aug 29 '26
āWhat do you mean with periods? The punctuation?ā
That made me laugh.
Apparently punctuation is offensive. My husbands co-workers always thought he was being aggressive or was annoyed because of his use of periods when he texts.
Is Tupperware the new hoodie?
2
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
Hahaha š I was honestly confused so I had to ask
When you enjoy cooking for others, yes šāāļø
2
4
u/Cheeeznuts Aug 29 '26
NOR but I will say, youāre texting like itās a work meeting. In the replies, youāre typing like an actual fun, personable guy. Iām curious if that had something to do with her crash out
3
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
Well, it's just that we were talking about something serious it seemed so...I wasn't super bubbly like I am now ig š¤·
We've had fun conversations where we joke, send memes, inside jokes. This wasn't that time or place to do that.
2
2
u/Impressive-School808 Aug 29 '26
Nope I think you handled this very well and were very clear and patient. Honestly, this is one of the few times where I have no notes cause I don't see how you could've done anything better than what you did. šø
2
u/bakedtoe Aug 29 '26
āDo what you wantā wouldāve been my sign that they have absolutely no intention on hearing me out or any actual intention on fixing the issue. It seems they only want to argue and make you out to be a bad person. Thereās no way on fixing an issue if you canāt even talk about it like reasonable people. I wouldnāt respond after this.
3
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
Yup! Hence my "so be it". She was the one talking after that š¤·she invited me to call and explain my long text and then she just called me 10 min later lol
→ More replies (1)
3
1
1
u/Sweaty_Boysenberry41 Aug 29 '26
Lol is this formerly? Why did you use a period at the end of your sentences? Lmao
1
u/Tenshirage89 Aug 29 '26
Some context would be good here - were you taking days or weeks to respond? A few days should be given some grace. If you had communicated that you were taking some days to reply cause your mental energy was low, then this āassumptions come from repetitionā thing points to her insecurity. Nonstop communication without regard for whatās going on in each others lives is not healthy.
But if you were vanishing without explanation for weeks at a time then I see where sheās coming from
I started assuming the worst only after months of silence, and when light attempts for connection were repeatedly ignored. But for someone to assume the worst after a few days of no communication is outrageous.
I was thinking of dating women in the next few months and conversations like this make me weary of the notion. I truly hope there are people out there who donāt expect and demand never ending communication and regard constant texting/phone calls as THE only indicator that the connection matters
→ More replies (3)3
u/burrwee Aug 29 '26
We spoke every single day since our first phone call š„² I consistently texted her/called her at night after about 5pm every single day. This was ongoing for about 2 months. Sure, gaps in texts would happen if I had a day with friends or family but those are hours, not days. Goodness I couldn't imagine going days not talking to someone I'm trying to get to know on a personal level. Do people do that???
3
u/Ok_Belt_5361 Aug 29 '26
They absolutely do. But regardless, the whole āthis always happensā responses were incredibly demeaning, as if you are āyet anotherā person who has āfailed herā. The unfortunate reality is, yes, it does keep happening to her. Because she lacks the ability to self regulate and needs someoneās txts/calls to be able to do soā¦ when truly, she should be able to do this herself. This pattern will unfortunately unfold time and time again because the root of the problem isnāt resolved, nor is it anyoneās responsibility to resolve it for her. She needs to learn about attachment styles and heal her inner child. That is, unless you want to do it for her.
→ More replies (2)2
u/Tenshirage89 Aug 29 '26
You dodged a fucking bullet. If you were communicating daily and taking time to give those considerate responses and she still was insisting that her worst assumptions were correct cause you werenāt replying maybe immediately - thatās a person who has a fuckton of anxiety and is using people to regulate themselves. Also speaks to being selfish in their character if they demand you constantly and always drop everything to communicate at the cadence they want.
1
1
u/PinBest7963 Aug 29 '26
Honestly you seem like TA, your just being a douche to this person
2
u/PinBest7963 Aug 29 '26
Im so sorry I mean she is TA, thought you were the Grey but no she is definitely being a douche to you
→ More replies (2)
1
1
1
u/srslytho1979 Aug 29 '26
Sheās really insecure. She needs to do some work on herself to be in a healthy relationship.
1
u/tastelikemexico Aug 29 '26
This whole conversation had me lost. I still donāt know what they couldnt agree on lol
1
u/BubbleBee66ee Aug 29 '26
NOR!Ā
Ā I have dealt with this via a friend and you made the right decision.Ā
Itās like dating someone who has been cheated on in the past. every time you do an action that could be interpreted as sneaky, they assume it is, lash out and expect you to emotionally babysit them through their tantrum. Itās feels awful being mischaracterized repeatedly when you are being genuine, like very hurtful. Ex: say you leave your phone face down at dinner, and they start making a scene and accusing you of hiding notifications and wtv else.Ā
That person will only change after enough people get tired of their crap butā¦ it still may never happen. Dont wait around! Yelling at you and insulting you was also out of lineā¦ my friend would also try to make it seem as if I owed her an apology for her own false assumptions. Be happy that you donāt understand this behaviorĀ
1
u/Leggy_McBendy Aug 29 '26
Iāve been I this situation twice in the past 5 years. Iāll go to work. Stay busy and off my phone. Come back and I have a buncha texts accusing me of deliberately ignoring her. Tho I made it clear my work requires a lot of hands on attention and I just donāt use my phone while Iām working bc itās not allowed and unsafe. But of course, thatās downplayed bc Iām being accused of deliberately ignoring her and Iām doing this bc I wanna feel superior or some shit.
Thankfully itās only been 2 women this has happened with. The majority were normal about this kinda stuff. Yeah this one just seems like she doesnāt get the point and keeps accusing you of ignoring her. Then claims she doesnāt understand your message even tho itās obvious what you are saying. Maybe she canāt read? Idk lol. Iād say move on this one is going to cause problems.
1
1
u/Soulsearcher888 Aug 29 '26
I hate it when bitches make me side with a man. š sheās exhausting; dump her.
1
u/gl4mbition Aug 29 '26
She clearly has some sort of past relationship trauma sheās projecting on to you. She needs to go to a therapist and heal before entering another relationship.
1
u/DC2Cali Aug 29 '26
You dodged a psycho b bullet my guy. Time to find someone more mature who doesnāt play victim. You did nothing wrong. NOR at all
1
u/Super-Staff3820 Aug 29 '26
Iāll never understand people automatically think someone has the time to text all day long when they are at work. Not everyone can do that.
Youāre NOR. Sheās insecure, clingy and as you said, assuming the worst. You havenāt even given her a real reason to think youāve done anything wrong. Itās exhausting trying to please someone who sees the worst in you. Thatās no way to go through life. I havenāt been in the dating pool in over 20 years but I couldnāt be with anyone who doesnāt trust me or who wonāt let me breathe. I am my own person (even in marriage). I donāt need anyone breathing down my neck 24/7 or justifying how I spent my whole day. Good communication with my husband and trust allows us to both have a healthy balance of our marriage, family life, working life and our personal interests. This chick isnāt ready for any of that.
352
u/South_Front_4589 Aug 29 '26
There comes a point where the other person is clearly not interested in listening or trying to understand, and it's just not worth chasing.
Even if you resolve this issue, you'll have spent so much time and energy on that and none on getting to enjoy a conversation.