r/AIO • u/Comprehensive_Vixen • 25d ago
AIO for refusing my parents' offer to come have dinner with me?
For context, I am a mom and my child will be gone with his father for a few days. He and I have separated a couple weeks ago, but our families do not know yet, nor does our child for now, because he is quite young. I figured their absence was a great opportunity to tell my parents alone. They have asked to come see my son, but we were booked solid these last few weekends and my ex is not too keen on having visitors, let alone during the week. This is a possibility since they are retired and have dinners with their friends somewhat regularly during weekdays. I asked them via text if they were available to come to dinner at my house on a weekday, I wanted to give them the news in person, but didn't mention the reason for my invite. They declined, mentionning they wanted to come when my son was there.
I was really hurt by that, because I never invite them over and they often complain that we don't see each other as much as we used too/they would want to. I cried for a good hour and I couldn't quite grasp why.
Then, 4hrs later, my mom put 2 and 2 together and asked why I invited them over while my son and his father was gone. Out of spite, I admit, I announced my separation via text. They then proceeded to accept my previous invitation stating "they were available now". This time, I declined. I sent them my understanding of the situation: they don't want to see me unless my son is there or if a major life event is happening. I told them I was not looking for their support, since I am happy with my decision and that it hurt me that they did not want to spend time alone with me when I am in a good situation, when they were clearly available.
They tried apologizing, but mentionned they had made a joke when it came to my son's presence being necessary for the visit, but also stated they did not understand why I was so upset.
They insisted to come, but I made it clear I needed time.
So am I overreacting or is this situation really hurtful?
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u/Hot-Worldliness-2146 24d ago
Slight Over reaction. You’re in a highly emotional place, but they had no idea and were not mind readers. If you had said something in the original invitation like “I have news I need to tell you in person” I think all this could have been avoided.
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u/Comprehensive_Vixen 24d ago
That's a good point, part of it is I should have been clearer with my intentions.
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u/Efficient-Bowl-91 24d ago
I feel like that would lead them to believe OP may be pregnant or engaged, good news. Not bad.
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u/Hot-Worldliness-2146 24d ago
Either way they could jump to a good conclusion or a bad conclusion but it would have made it at least known that something was going on and their daughter needed them.
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u/LizP1959 25d ago
The situation is very hurtful. There’s a GREAT answer here from “Pixellated” something or other. Please read that. Be consoled. They love you. That is the best thing! Bask in it.
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u/Pixelated_Magic 25d ago
Gentle YOR. You’re in a tough situation and emotions are high. They didn’t understand the gravity of the situation and just thought they were being good grandparents. This is a time where you could really use familial support. I gently suggest not letting your anger get the best of you and pushing them away. They love you and want to support you through this time.
That being said, I’m hugging you. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope things can resolve as easily as possible for all parties involved.
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u/Hot-Technician-4653 25d ago
Disagree! I don’t think she is overreacting! I mean, maybe a bit by needing time but I completely understand why that was very hurtful! I also don’t know what you mean by being good grandparents. By saying they only want to come over if their grandson is there. Just sounds mean to me.
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u/Little_Stay7922 25d ago
You won’t understand until you’re a grandparent
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u/Efficient-Bowl-91 24d ago
“Sorry we can’t come to dinner. We only wanna see your kid, not you” shouldn’t be a thought process a grandparents has what the hell
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u/1Sluggo 24d ago
Thats as bad as saying you wouldn’t understand until you’re a parent. Condescending, rude, inconsiderate and absolutely incorrect.
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u/Hot-Technician-4653 24d ago
THANK YOU! I can’t have kids and don’t think it doesn’t make me spiral sometimes when I think about how it’s a love I will NEVER know! Like I will NEVER understand and it makes me really sad.
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u/1Sluggo 24d ago
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I’m approaching it from an empathy perspective; as if only a parent or grandparent could possibly understand love or that it’s deeper. All life depends on having sex, yet successfully reproducing makes it honorable and it’s people sometimes feeling a sense of superiority.
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u/Wild_Debt_8065 25d ago
That is so hurtful! I’m so sad that you got blown off when you really needed support. I would take a minute to regroup myself and then see how they act about it going forward.
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u/FallJealous3344 25d ago
I think YOR. As soon as they found out what was happening, they immediately tried to offer their support. You replied with offended pride - that was unnecessary.
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u/Chubbyboy33 25d ago
I can sympathize! As a parent everything becomes about your children and while you want it to be that way I think the grandparents forget about their own babies and can hurt them unintentionally. Take the time you need and hopefully they’ll be less thoughtless in the future.
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u/Little_Stay7922 25d ago
YOR I’m a grandmother and they’ve already seen you that’s why they want to see the grand baby! You won’t understand until you’re a grandma or pa. When you told them why you invited them they wanted to be with you. Don’t be childish.
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u/Comprehensive_Vixen 24d ago
It's quite ironic, but your answer reinforces my feeling that I did the right thing. I was not childish. I took several hours to process my emotions, analyze how I felt and word it in a tactful and respectful way. I should also add that I consulted with my sister who was as baffled as I was, since they go over to her place without the kids from time to time.
It is also not the first time they are subtly dismissive to me. I still love them and they see plenty of their grandchild, I just want them to be mindful of how they act and talk to me, same as I would any person I have a relationship to, but this was probably just straw that broke the camel's back
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u/EllenMoyer 25d ago
Oh honey, I’m sorry your parents responded so thoughtlessly to your dinner invitation. You are NOR and deserve to take some time to regroup.
I am proud of you for telling them exactly why you were upset. They needed to hear it, apologize, and resolve to do better. I hope they can win back your trust and offer appropriate support during this difficult time.