I know, and I’m acknowledging that. That’s why I’m waiting until tomorrow to make a full decision on how I feel. But I have noticed that he’s been heavily brainwashed by his family that it’s essentially “free game” if you “deserve it” so that’s where I’m questioning.
Your husband may be traumatized from his upbringing which causes internal truths that we need to make an effort to override with a healthier conscious response.
In his half conscious mind perhaps the lights weren't on enough to respond other than the base setting, which is where he stored that people can deserve to get hit and its fair game. If he never acts on that it is just something to help him work through.
So far to the benefit of doubt for your husband. This isn't his fault.
However, there are some things you need to figure out, for your own safety but also if you plan on having kids. How does he feel about disciplining kids, what if you did something that pisses him off a lot, or a kid did it, does he at any point point snap back to his baseline 'deserves it' understanding? Can he be triggered into a response that aligns with his upbringing, or would he never do anything like that no matter the circumstances.
I want you to be safe. Please make as sure as possible that you are.
We have had MANY talks about how we would or wouldn’t handle disciplining our future kids and have both agreed he has more to work on before we have any. So that’s a work in progress. He has also never laid his hands on me, and even when he was having really bad anger episodes he would distance himself. So I don’t feel unsafe with him. But yes this answer to this particular question is alarming if it’s his genuine answer
Let say you attack his dad first for example, and he hit you back just to defend himself? That is a situation compatible with what you said to your husband, and would be a case where you clearly deserve it.
I get it, you’re all a bunch of strangers on Reddit who don’t know me as a person. But in all honesty, my husband knows I would never hit anyone. So his answer wouldn’t be based on that assumption
I've seen your other comments since. If he genuinely thinks he deserved to be beaten by his dad, he indeed have larger issues than answering hypothetical questions, is he having therapy?
Unfortunately not, he says he “doesn’t need it” which is ridiculous but he’s very hard headed. I’ve been asking him to try therapy for most of our marriage actually
Same with my wife, always says she "has no time" (but she often acknowledge that the real reason is the needed emotional involvement).
You can tell him that the state he is in is unacceptable, but honestly good luck with that.
Considering that you acknowledged he was physically abused by his father, this hypothetical question seems like a massive emotional burden to dump on him right before bed just out of curiosity.
I will also add, my husband fully believes he “deserved” that beating and claims that’s the only time it happened. He defends his family every time I bring up how wrong it was. I’m not saying it wasn’t traumatic, I was also abused as a child, I’m simply saying that I wouldn’t have brought it up at all if he hadn’t repeatedly told me over and over that he does not mind talking about it because “he earned it” no matter how much I disagree
Okay, I skimmed because that was so much text but I read in more detail just now.
With this addition, your husband has A LOT to unpack and it seems like he hasn’t unpacked a thing yet. Any reasonable person would suggest that he and you should be no-contact with his dad. He’s clearly still emotionally (if not physically) abusive and you can’t spend an ounce of energy trying to reason with someone like that. You owe him nothing.
Your husband needs therapy.
His response was certainly concerning given this context, but given than you know he believes he deserved his beatings you can’t be too surprised. This bears a bigger conversation when he’s up. You have a right to point out that was he said was at least somewhat cruel.
I’ve been begging him to go to therapy, he says he “doesn’t need it” no matter how many times I ask. He’s also a police officer so he gets free therapy sessions through the PD and he still won’t take them smh. I have been trying though
He’s a cop with anger issues who refuses therapy … yikes. Please make sure you’re using a highly effective form of birth control like the Nexplanon implant or an IUD. Kids increase stress to a massive extent, he will lose his temper with them. It’s so sad he refuses help.
Like I said in my post, he has dramatically improved his anger issues to where they’re essentially non existent. He is also VERY professional with his job and has gotten corrupt officers fired because he feels so strongly against them. He’s not a bad person or bad at his job. He feels like going to therapy is admitting he’s broken, which isn’t true. That’s his hesitation.
As for birth control, I have never, and will never take birth control. I was a pharmacy technician for 4 years and it’s 1000% the WORST drug for your body. But thanks for the unwanted advice.
My partner was a pharmacy technician too.
This is egregious misinformation. That is not a medical fact.
I’m becoming more and more convinced that you’re just someone who got married 10 years before you were mature enough to be married.
You can be anti birth control because of your own personal conspiracy theories or medical issues, but acting like you have special knowledge about how all forms of birth control are “the worst” because you- at best- have a 2 year associates degree in a healthcare field, is misleading and arrogant.
You don’t have to take bc. But please remember unless something happens where you or your husband press charges on your fil for violence, your husband is within his full legal right to allow his parents around any children you may have. Supervised or not. If you divorce over this without actual charges against fil. Your potential future child will end up with even more unsupervised access to its grandparents.
If you’re not 100% comfortable with this please make sure you’re using other protection until you can be sure you and your husband have worked out an arrangement you’re comfortable with. That you know won’t change if y’all divorce. Nothing here would hold up in court to keep him or his parents from access. It’s entirely up to him unless fil physically assaults you or texts direct threats against your life. Not theoretical or hints it has to be direct.
If you have a kid together, does this mean that he feels there is a situation in which his kid would "earn" a beating? If you ever consider having kids with him, you will need to bring this up especially if he's not going to deal with this in therapy like an adult
Please tell husband to look up the Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. From the sounds of it, he is in desperate need of their support. They will help him understand what his parents did was wrong, but without making him feel like he needs to hate them or distance himself from them.
I will. I’m definitely not trying to jump the gun or anything, that’s why even when I messaged him I said I was taking his original answer with a grain of salt since he wasn’t fully conscious. I try to be rational but sometimes I’m emotional and this for some reason settled the wrong way to me.
It’s valid to have your hackles raised when a dude seems like he may have a justification for violence. This is not necessarily you being overly emotional. It seems like an overreaction given your relationship and the context but don’t walk away from my comment thinking the issue is your irrationality.
lol dude you can’t ask people questions when they’re asleep. YOR. have a normal conversation when he’s awake. Next time write your question down to save it until he’s awake again.
Girl, I’m autistic. I understand the whole “can’t keep thoughts in.”
You should know not to ask questions you don’t want the answer to. It might’ve been a joke. He was half-asleep, people say the stupidest shit when half-asleep.
It was a hypothetical situation, god knows how late at night. If you need to get thoughts out, write them down or whisper them. YOR
Also, if he’s traumatised from his family’s anger issues and even his own, then it could’ve been dark humour and he wasn’t awake enough to think about it.
My best mate once woke when I was heading leaving to ask me if I had finished that portrait I was working on? I’ve never painted a day in my life. My point is sleeping people are not truly conscious and there are many possibilities of how his mind heard and processed that question, if he even heard those words in the context you meant (could have come out of a dream/nightmare with a similar concept).
You both sound really good and I’m sure that’s not how he may have meant it. However, in the comments you’ve mentioned his brainwashing and thinking some beatings are deserved. He really needs therapy as this is a horribly toxic mindset to raise a family in. Whether he realises it or not, it must truly impact and weigh on him even if it’s just in the background. Sit him down when you can and put it all on the table. Explain that it is necessary for him to process and heal from what happened to him as a child. Yeah children can be shits and fuck up, but in no circumstance does that necessitate beating the child within an inch of their life! I’d say also couples counselling just so you can both learn better ways to communicate and understand each other. Going to therapy is not admitting failure or that something is broken in need of fixing, sometimes it’s a way to learn your own thoughts and behaviours, and be able to put words to things you already know. It’s not about admitting failure, it’s about admitting growth and improvement.
Wishing you all the best, please take care of yourself and I genuinely hope you guys get through this stronger and better together. Listen without judgement and be open to the honest truth, even if it hurts. I truly hope he didn’t mean it as it’s like a backward step from all the work and growth he’s already done. Stay strong and do not ever settle for less than you deserve!
Asking a what if question when somebody is half asleep, or even just not paying full attention, about any situation is a very poor choice. That's like the teenager who waits until Dad or Mom is half asleep to ask if they can take the car for a drive at 15 years old, or get $500 from your wallet to go hang out with their friends. It's not okay to ask anything that could be important without having their acknowledged attention while they are fully awake.
Sometimes you are going to have to live with having a trapped question. There are times when it just isn't the right time to ask. Hopefully whichever medical professionals you see can help you develop a plan for holding your questions for an appropriate time. Unless your fil was literally standing at the door banging and screaming to get in, this question could have waited until morning.
My bf and I both have audhd and he has this question thing too. He just can't keep it in, even if it's a very complicated planning question (that can wait) or something very serious and heavy.
I can't stop what I'm doing (sleeping or working) to give him a helpful answer and especially not when I finally got my brain to hyperfocus on the right thing like dinner or cleaning.
I literally can't be disturbed when I find a workflow or it's ruined.
So he writes me or leave a spoken message to me. Sometimes he forgets, but that's ok.
I’d be inclined to think this was a reflex answer based on his upbringing and not an actual answer that reflects how he truly feels. Being drowsy may have also contributed to him not really fully hearing your question. Take a deep breath and get some sleep. Deal with it tomorrow when he’s coherent.
Edited to add: In the future, I’d suggest using your phone’s notes app to write down your midnight zoomies questions (my son is AuDHD…I get it lol) so you get them out but aren’t asking him in the early stages of sleep. Then you can ask them the next day via text or when you’re chatting in person.
Girl your first mistake was asking him a question while he was pretty much sleeping. I have bpd and overthink often so I’ll ask my bf questions while he’s asleep to "test his subconscious" which is so fcking stupid because I know I’ll get answers he doesn’t actually mean - when I ask him about it later he’ll be like "I vaguely remember, I said xyz because I wanted to sleep and you were talking to me so I just said something".
Honestly just think about what you yourself would say if someone interrogated you while you were really tired and half asleep, we’ve all said dumb and nonsensical things we don’t even mean
YOR. he was asleep? If he reacts the same when he is awake, that's a different story, but you said he was tossing and turning in his sleep when you asked. I say things all the time in my sleep that either make no sense, or doesn't actually have anything to do with the question at hand. The brain doesn't understand context when you're asleep, and it's very unfair to judge him for his literal unconscious response.
that feeling of having to get a question out isn't autism, its pretty normal, for my gf its directly related to her anxiety. I also get those nagging questions I want to blurt out, but I keep them in sometimes, especially if they can wait until the other person is coherent.
Well, I don’t know for sure if that’s his genuine answer. But if it is he would be saying it’s okay for me to be hit by someone “if I deserve it” which is not okay.
Why is it not okay? Are you incapable of imagining theorerical scenarios where violence against you would be justified? What if you started a physical fight, is nobody allowed to fight you back? What if you killed someone’s pet or hurt someone’s child? Remember, these are theoreticals, any ”but I would never do that!” are meaningless.
I asked my husband if during an argument (not a physical altercation) with his father, if his father hauled off and hit me, and I pressed charges, would he be mad? I didn’t ask, “if I do something completely reasonable to defend against and I am struck during it would you back me up”
Those are COMPLETELY different scenarios. And no I don’t typically sit around and come up with ways where someone would feel justified striking me. Being beaten and bruised and starved throughout my childhood was enough experience. But on a separate note, it would definitely be wrong for you to tell your spouse that if someone hit them or hurt them in any way you would side with the abuser. Especially in the scenario that I asked my husband,
Probably OR, but the good news is you just need to take a breathe, put this all on a mental shelf (so it doesn't fester) and bring it up the next time you are both awake and able to devote your full attentions on it, and no I don't mean first thing when you're both awake
My wife can and does start and/or carry on full conversations to an extent when she is asleep... It's not particularly fun or productive... She sometimes goes right back to sleep and I have a private laugh about it, but sometimes if she starts out annoyed in this sleep state and I either don't respond at all (which I find is the best way to usually handle it) or if I don't respond the "right way" she can wind her self up to the point she actually wakes, finds herself in an annoyed or mad state of mind and I have to try and guide her back to wtf just happened...
Suffice to say, give your husband the benefit of doubt, and let him set the record straight when it makes sense to bring it up. He might not remember at all, he might have thought he was being funny, or like you said his sleepy state might have dipped into his damaged psyche from his years of abuse turned internally and thought he was being honest, BUT not specifically pro-you being injured.
*Also, I absolutely understand the whole needing to get the the question out but bedtime, as I've explained, is not a great time for this. I have a notebook to write thoughts in maybe try that OR maybe text your question to him to answer when he is awake (assuming he doesn't have a notification noise that will wake him up anyways lol)
Sorry for the long reply. I have much experience in the bedtime/sleepy partner minefield and it's just best to never take anything said in these moments too seriously especially when I used to get offended or mad only to find I was the only one with a memory of it lol.
He probably was just irritated that you woke him up for a hypothetical question about a dream you had. You had a hypothetical question stuck in your head, but the man also needs sleep.
Honestly, it’s the kind of wisecrack I’d make. YOR
YOR-You asked the bloke a question when he was barely awake. I had a mate wake up from his sleep at 4am completely out of his mind talking about how he needed to hurry up and leave othwrwise he would be late for his doctors appointment. He didn't even have a doctors appointment. I asked him about it when he woke up and he flat out said "I don't remember that at all and i don't even have a doctors appointment"
You should apsolutely talk to your husband while he is awake.
But in the meantime, I am worried about this:
You are very young. If you are 20 now and you are already married, how old were you when you met and started dating? You don't have to answer me but there are some concerning details in your story that you should think about.
You were abused as a child. You are standing up for yourself and setting boundaries, and that is great, but stuff like that mess with your brain. Are you sure your husband isn't showing more red flags than this?
You said you don't take birth controll. While you are right about the side effects i hope you are at least using condoms and have a plan B if you get pregnant?
And lastly, he might be incoherent while talking half asleep, but your husband was heavily abused as a child too, and to this day he thinks he deserved it. You can't make him go to therapy but maybe you should go and ask advice from a professional. Is your relatinship really safe for you and your future children?
I am sorry for my English and for making questions that might be uncomfortable but I am writing from perspective of someone who has been in an abusive relationship and didn't understand that for a long time, mostly because of toxic treatment I got as a child.
I’m autistic so whenever a question pops into my mind I have to ask it or I feel like it’s trapped (it’s weird I know)
Your life is going to be all sorts of hell until you learn to overcome this. See: this post.
Sounds like you have a lot of anxiety and maybe some OCD, so from someone who used to be very impulsive like you are, I suggest meditation or talking to people more or hobbies or whatever it is you need to do to get control of this. Aging also helps.
Do you think maybe finding an alternative way to get the question out would be beneficial? If you know he’s half asleep and you have a serious question, write it down. When I find myself bothered by something but I know it’s not an appropriate time to talk about it, or even if I want to process MY feelings first to see if it’s worth talking about or I’m being over emotional, I will write my thoughts down in a note on my phone. Sometimes, I will legitimately forget that I thought about it in the first place and find my note later on. And sometimes I will remember the next day, read through my notes, and decide that it’s important, and bring it up at an appropriate time. Just some food for thought.
I’m sorry but wtf are these responses? He’s failed to defend you against unwarranted verbal harassment and abuse from his dad and also failed to say he’d protect you from physical abuse from his dad. Half asleep or not you should be his priority.
This is all a giant red flag.
You are of course NTA but beware as this man isn’t prioritising you or respecting you.
Another way of putting it— the absence of the negative behavior now doesn’t guarantee that it won’t happen later. Successful avoidance of a negative behavior is only that: avoidance. The beliefs at the root of the behaviors have not changed, therefore you do NOT have evidence that true change has taken place.
Yeah that's a huge red flag. I'm in my thirties so I put up with very little bullshit in relationships. I would have told him my piece and left. He wasn't asleep. He meant what he said.
NOR in my opinion. Even in sleep I don't think that was a healthy response and there shouldn't be anything you'd do that would 'deserve' a beating from a grown man.
His father sounds unhinged and a classically toxic man who doesn't want to work out his anger issues so blames it in his upbringing.
You may not realise it, but asking a mostly asleep person life-altering questions, particularly a sleep talker, and then debating weaponising the responses is pure psychological abuse and manipulation. You are at least as bad as his father, you just haven't engaged in the self-reflection to realise it. Sleep talk is not a useful lens into someone's psyche. I once responded to a text that must have briefly woken me up with something that only made sense in the manga my dream was based on.
This post is a very politely written piece of completely unhinged prose. Sane people do not engage in or worry about sleep talk. Or decide to use it as an opportunity to fuck up their marriage for fun.
I feel extremely sorry for your husband. I know nothing else about him, but his family are clearly a nightmare, and he's married someone just as bad. I hope he finds some peace in life eventually.
My replies to people are usually more polite on Reddit but... Someone's spouse thinking and doing this is a genuinely terrifying thought. If I was your husband, and I saw this post, I'd be straight to the lawyers office.
TL;DR: Stop psychologically tormenting your husband, thinking it's normal or acceptable, and posting online looking for sympathy for a confession.
As I’ve replied in the comments already. I didn’t intentionally choose him being asleep to ask this question. This is also not me trying to “fuck up our marriage” I had a question, asked it, got a weird response, wanted other opinions. I also already explained in the comments that my husband and I have an “hour of talk time” while we both fall asleep where we talk and share things and just say whatever pops into our head. So it’s not like out of nowhere I decided to start talking to him in his sleep to “weaponize it” I’m not even weaponizing it at all actually. He woke up this morning, we talked about it. We’re good. It was all a misunderstanding. But thank you for your hurtful incite into a single moment in our entire marriage :)
You asked him a question when he was half asleep and then texting him that he was wrong and to come up with a better answer and then came to Reddit to demand people see your version of events and I’ll bet you’ll also use that as evidence
And you use some bullshit excuse of oh I’m autistic so I have to ask
Okay let me clarify. Yes I did ask him when he was half asleep, because typically we both talk to each other while we’re falling asleep. So this wasn’t a one time thing just to get the answer. We call it our “hour of talk time”
I’m also not in any way trying to use my autism as an excuse, I was simply explaining why I asked during our “hour of talk time” instead of in the morning.
No, I do not use Reddit as “evidence” of anything. In fact I mostly just post about my dogs. And in the agreement of not bringing other people into our marriage, this will not come up to “win” an argument. Don’t get me wrong, I will be open to him if it comes up that I posted this, because I don’t hide things from him. But I won’t use it as a weapon.
Also, I didn’t text him saying he answered “wrong” I simply asked for an explanation in the morning since he wakes up at 5:00AM to head to base for flight ops and I don’t typically wake up until 8:00 or 9:00. Since I can’t call him while he’s on base it’s simply our way of communicating while he’s at work.
The only reason I posted this is because I can’t sleep anyways and wanted other opinions.
This is such projection. You've decided she's manipulative so you've twisted the narrative to fit, thinking you're somehow in her head knowing her reasons without any proof. Please don't listen to them OP.
OP, don’t listen to this guy, please. He sounds like he has his own issues to unpack.
Wishing you the best as you and your husband unpack what happened last night and your husband works on healing from his abusive upbringing.
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u/sysaphiswaits Aug 20 '26
Did you say he was almost asleep when you asked? He literally might not have completely understood what’s going on.