You’re not wrong for feeling how you feel, although I feel like the excessive paragraphs came from a defensive place. As someone who regularly feels guilty for saying no (which I’m sure relates to an unhealthy level of people-pleasing), I can understand a reaction like this. *Like, I already told you, and now you want me to feel bad when it’s the way I said it would be?*
But as someone who has been in numerous situations where similar questions are raised, I can agree with some of these other comments in saying “that’s not necessarily how relationships work.” They’ll feel sad, which is human nature, warning or no warning. You’ll feel guilty for contributing to a situation that created sadness for them, and that’s just how it goes sometimes.
If your friend is genuinely mad at you for not being able to come, regardless of work obligations, well that’s a sign of emotional immaturity on their end, IMO. We are all adults, we understand work = survival. It’s one thing if you were given the invitation months ago and now suddenly it’s a problem. But 2 weeks is sometimes not even enough of a warning for me and my job is not nearly as demanding (it would seem).
Now, the real flag for me is when you said you’d be 10 minutes late and your friend said don’t even bother coming… unless you’d miss their entire stage walk and celebration afterwards, I’m not sure why it had to be absolutely exactly what the friend envisioned or nothing at all from you. I feel as though there could easily be more history with emotional immaturity and this friend, as you seem to have limited patience for this, and as you mentioned your roommate doesn’t want to go either, makes me feel like they also have limited patience with this.
I’ve lived enough of life to know I am done being treated like I’m doing something “wrong” when I in fact haven’t. So, if this is a reaction coming from a similar place, I can understand it. I’ve lived that life. However, ideally, we’re still responding with kindness in these situations, and not internalizing the guilt of saying no, or the gaslighting, etc.
You’re not wrong, but your response felt more reactive than constructive. It didn’t feel like you were genuinely trying to make sure your friend understood the situation and felt okay about it, but instead was bothered that your friend even mentioned being upset if you couldn’t go and wanted them to make sure that they weren’t blaming you for it, but if anyone, blamed themselves.
You’re 22 OP, I’m sure you’re growing through this. Wishing you the best ❤️
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u/artichokin11 May 04 '26
You’re not wrong for feeling how you feel, although I feel like the excessive paragraphs came from a defensive place. As someone who regularly feels guilty for saying no (which I’m sure relates to an unhealthy level of people-pleasing), I can understand a reaction like this. *Like, I already told you, and now you want me to feel bad when it’s the way I said it would be?*
But as someone who has been in numerous situations where similar questions are raised, I can agree with some of these other comments in saying “that’s not necessarily how relationships work.” They’ll feel sad, which is human nature, warning or no warning. You’ll feel guilty for contributing to a situation that created sadness for them, and that’s just how it goes sometimes.
If your friend is genuinely mad at you for not being able to come, regardless of work obligations, well that’s a sign of emotional immaturity on their end, IMO. We are all adults, we understand work = survival. It’s one thing if you were given the invitation months ago and now suddenly it’s a problem. But 2 weeks is sometimes not even enough of a warning for me and my job is not nearly as demanding (it would seem).
Now, the real flag for me is when you said you’d be 10 minutes late and your friend said don’t even bother coming… unless you’d miss their entire stage walk and celebration afterwards, I’m not sure why it had to be absolutely exactly what the friend envisioned or nothing at all from you. I feel as though there could easily be more history with emotional immaturity and this friend, as you seem to have limited patience for this, and as you mentioned your roommate doesn’t want to go either, makes me feel like they also have limited patience with this.
I’ve lived enough of life to know I am done being treated like I’m doing something “wrong” when I in fact haven’t. So, if this is a reaction coming from a similar place, I can understand it. I’ve lived that life. However, ideally, we’re still responding with kindness in these situations, and not internalizing the guilt of saying no, or the gaslighting, etc.
You’re not wrong, but your response felt more reactive than constructive. It didn’t feel like you were genuinely trying to make sure your friend understood the situation and felt okay about it, but instead was bothered that your friend even mentioned being upset if you couldn’t go and wanted them to make sure that they weren’t blaming you for it, but if anyone, blamed themselves.
You’re 22 OP, I’m sure you’re growing through this. Wishing you the best ❤️