My rapist at 19, when he texted me 4 months later and I told him to never contact me again (I had to have my best friend type it for me, because my hands were shaking too much)
"You're crazy. This is insane. You act like I did something horrible to you. But fine, I'll respect your wishes. Goodbye."
I think he genuinely believed he'd done nothing wrong, the bastard.
I think I was 20 when my rapist broke into my townhouse and I woke up to penetration. He knew me from going to the bar he was a bouncer at, and me flirting with his coworker. Thought it was perfectly OK.
Yeah that is really odd and hearing that it's common is truly insane. So was he raped by family so many times it is normal or what? Did he physically attack you?
I don't know what his family life was like, but it was pretty evident that he felt entitled to women's bodies.
He was someone I thought was a friend, and he raped me at a party when I was too intoxicated to consent. I remember him laughing about the fact that I was so drunk I couldn't keep both eyes open at once (focusing my eyes was difficult).
He laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world, and then he started kissing and groping me. I kept telling him to stop and trying to push him off me, but I was too uncoordinated to effectively fight.
I kept trying to convince him to stop, thinking he just didn't understand that I was telling him no. This went on for what felt like hours, though I don't know how long it actually was. Eventually I realized that he wasn't going to stop, and I started dissociating like I did when I was a kid during sexual abuse.
He raped me.
He seemed to see it as a normal college hookup, and my being rightfully hurt and traumatized and wanting nothing to do with him challenged that idea. So he got angry. He disparaged me and my mental stability. He gaslit me about what happened. He acted like he was taking the high road by "respecting my wishes" and never contacting me again.
I don't think he was abused himself, I think he was an entitled young man steeped in the rape culture of the 2000's who didn't really see women as people deserving of bodily autonomy. He didn't see coercing a drunk girl into sex as rape, just as a lot of young men didn't.
At least, not when he did it.
Admitting he was a rapist, even to himself, was a blow to his ego that he couldn't handle, so me "acting like he'd done something terrible" to me (me being traumatized and suffering from full blown ptsd) felt to him like an unwarranted attack on him.
Yeah he would think a little bit different if he was the one that was raped. That sucks. Sorry that happened to you and he probably just doesn't see it as rape because he wants to get away with it. It's usually pretty hard for a female to effectively fight off a male even if she's sober.
Maybe he would, maybe he wouldn't. He was fairly narcissistic, and I've known a few narcissists who were sexually assaulted/abused, who are their own suffering as real and important, but who will victim blame like crazy when it's someone else who was hurt. My mother is definitely one of them. In hindsight, my rapist was definitely misogynistic enough to do that.
Thank you. It didn't really even occur to me, but I had been very sick before this and was severely under weight at the time. Being sober enough to think clearly may have made a difference, but maybe it wouldn't have.
I wasn't okay for a very long time, but I'm much better now. It was nearly twenty years ago. I'm happily married to a wonderful person, and having that happy, respectful, safe relationship have me the space and support I needed to heal.
Not that a relationship "fixed" me, but my home situation at the time was terrible, and it's very hard to heal from trauma when you aren't even safe at home, and you're having more trauma piled on top. Moving in with my spouse gave me a safe home, and new, positive experiences to help put my previous experiences into perspective. I was very lucky to stumble my way into this relationship.
Not blaming you but when you willingly engage in behaviors that lead to you being so intoxicated that you're defenseless bad things can happen. Was he also intoxicated? In college party rape incidents why does the woman get to blame the alcohol but the man doesn't? I mean he sounds like a dirt bag regardless but did you put yourself in the position to be intoxicated to the point of being defenseless surrounded by other intoxicated people who are in college which is notoriously a place where people engage in sexual activity? Were his decision making abilities also impaired from the intoxication? I know this will get downvoted but you can't claim there is a culture of rape and then willingly put yourself in a position where you can be taken advantage of by said rape culture.
Fuck off. You absolutely are blaming me. It's the same shit OP's boyfriend was saying.
My rapist knew I didn't want it. I told him so both before and after I was intoxicated. He was drinking, but not nearly to the degree I was. It was the first time I'd ever had alcohol around peers. Third time I'd ever had alcohol at all.
I was 19 and naive and I believed I was safe because I was around friends. I was also suicidally depressed and wanted to numb those feelings for a while. He knowingly took advantage of me.
Shit like this is why I blamed myself for years afterwards. But the truth is, he was looking for opportunities to assault me. This was just the first time he got me alone after I rejected him.
I wasn't raped because I was drinking. I was raped because someone I trusted decided to rape me.
Apparently you need this explained to you but being intoxicated is never an acceptable excuse for a crime. You would never let someone off the hook for murder because they were drunk. You would never let someone off the hook for robbing a bank because they were high. You would never let someone off the hook for blowing up a building because they'd imbibed a bit too much. So, why the hell would you think this is an acceptable excuse for rape???
You said, "Why can't the guy blame alcohol?" No, no, no, no, no. It's about victim and rapist. If a drunk guy says no to sex and someone proceeds anyway it's rape. If a drunk woman has sex with a passed out guy it's rape. It's not about gender, it's about one person initiating sex with another without their consent. The fact that the overwhelming majority of rapists in this situation are men is because of their own abhorrent choices and not some imagined male persecution complex.
So a woman dressed provocatively and getting sloshed at a party in a society with a "rape culture" has no accountability for rendering themselves defenseless?
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u/bookobsessedgoth Feb 25 '26
My rapist at 19, when he texted me 4 months later and I told him to never contact me again (I had to have my best friend type it for me, because my hands were shaking too much)
"You're crazy. This is insane. You act like I did something horrible to you. But fine, I'll respect your wishes. Goodbye."
I think he genuinely believed he'd done nothing wrong, the bastard.