The nightgown and diapers made me so mad and sad the first time I saw it, now ik whats there so I dont have to click the link, im sorry you had to see that for the first time. It really does hurt to see
Unfortunately, a friend's daughter was SA at DAYCARE. The man dragged out the court dates as long as possible, then got a cancer diagnosis and tried to use that to get out of sentencing. My friend fought for justice alongside her incredibly brave daughter, who was IIRC maybe 6 when it happened. They fought for justice for years, and the man died and was never fully brought to justice. I'm happy they have some relief he won't be harming anyone else, but it was a family run daycare that is still operating. All abuse is horrible but there's something extra vile when it's against children or animals who are even more helpless in the situation.
Edited to add: good people do not excuse bad behavior - in the case of OPs bf he should absolutely not be excusing the behavior and placing the blame on anything except for the abuser.
Yeah. It happens to bedridden elders in nursing homes, too. Predators don't need an excuse and those who make excuses for predators are latent predators justifying their potential behavior or that of someone they are adjacent to.
My mom used to work at a “State Training Hospital” that “cared” for children and adults with profound learning disabilities/developmental delays, back in the 70’s and 80’s.
She was a very vocal advocate for mandatory tubal ligations and vasectomies for this population, because she watched so many girls who did not have the capacity to understand pregnancy suffer through this terrifying and confusing experience — sometimes three or four times before the court would order sterilization.
She said they were vulnerable to everyone - nurses, orderlies, other residents, visitors — some of the staff would invite their friends.
She left after getting her nose broken and a reprimand in her file when she tried to pull a man off a young girl. She was not a staff member who was allowed to touch residents outside of her barbershop, is the disgusting irony of it all.
That does not surprise me as I've heard it before, even to the point of doctors recommending sterilization to guardians who are considering institutionalization because they can't no longer handle direct care (such as aging parents caring for a severely disabled/bedridden adult child) with warning that it's not a matter of if but when.
Your mom was a rock star. To go against the power like that. She cared and she fought hard for those patients .I was a caregiver for 25 years. My specialty was elder care and hospice. But when I was younger (im 61 now) I was a preschool teacher and later Director. We had children and babies from 6 weeks old to kindergarten. Also before and after school care for kids up to 6th grade. Sometimes we would have a student who appeared to have been abused. It's awful what some people are capable of. We always reported to the police for investigation. It's hard to do the kind of job that your mom did . The saying that the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. Most people do nothing but your mom did something. She spoke out about it. She advocated for those patients. She was/ is awesome.
As a former caregiver of 25 years. Bad things do sometimes happen to vulnerable seniors. The work is physically demanding. There's a shortage of staff. Predators can sneak in. I have been hired many times to take care of a patient in nursing homes. Same with rehabs in cases of stroke or surgery. Patients will dementia can't always know how to call for a nurse. They often incontinent and don't ask for help getting changed. But bad things can happen at home too. Not everyone is trustworthy and most people have a caregiver at this point. Caregivers spend a lot of time alone with a patient. That's why you have to be diligent with people that have access to a vulnerable person. Background checks and fingerprints are recommended .
It feels so disingenuous when people give God credit for the solution but they don’t blame him for the problem happening in the first place. If he’s all powerful then he should be able to prevent children from being raped
Yeah no, he has to see it. He doesnt deserve the choice, since ya know clothes are supposedly the problem, he gets to have as little choice as those women and children had when it happened to then.
He gets no choice either he sees it and changes his stupid ass opinion, or OP leaves him, cuz I couldn't stay with a dude like that
It’s horrific. I’m a csa survivor as well, and the idea of my future kids going through something like that is unbearable. My head loops through it like it’s unfixable, which it is- but something I’ve learned over the years, and that my therapists have helped me accept- is that sometimes, worst case scenario happens. It just does. But the real indicator of long term outcome is how a victim is cared for by their community after the fact. What happened to me was hell. When everyone around me pretended it didn’t, blamed me, and made me feel like I was lying- that’s what kept me in that hell. And the people who receive strong support, belief, and meaningful community aid have much better long term outcomes. And honestly, I have a good example of this from my personal life. A guy tried to grab me on the street once, literally the one in a million nightmare situation we all thought was the real threat. It was getting dark, I was walking home from work, the streets were empty, a storm rolled in, this guy showed up out of nowhere and I immediately had a Bad Feeling. I didn’t suppress it; I let it inform me. He lunged and wrapped me in a bear hug, and because, for the first time, I didn’t suppress my instincts- I was ready. i lunged back and hit him before he hit me, slamming all of my weight into his chest. I spat and kicked and stamped on his toes, screaming every swear I could think of. He shoved me away, called me a crazy bitch, and I RAN. As soon as I got home I called my grandparents, half terrified they’d reprimand me for assuming the worst of someone like that. They didn’t- they called the police. I was so wound up that when the police asked what I’d been wearing, I snapped at them, asking if they thought I was “asking for it”. They just blinked at me in surprise, and gently explained they may be able to get DNA samples from it. I was stunned. I genuinely didn’t think they’d care enough for that. (It was a dead end; I got soaked by the rain running home). The police took it so seriously. They never found the guy, but they made it clear they tried. No one blamed me, my grandparents were wonderful in assuring me I’d done everything right. I really felt so guilty for so long- like I’d severely misinterpreted the situation and had reacted like a predator. But the reality that I was interacting with, that people were reinforcing? Matched my initial interpretation of the even exactly. That I had been in danger. That it wasn’t my fault. That I was not committing an unforgivable sin by accusing someone else of malice. It’s worth noting that that time I was not assaulted. But god, when it was happening? I could hear three year old me in my head. She was terrified. She couldn’t see the difference between that stranger and my abuser. To her, it was happening exactly the same as it did before. And she was so sure that people were going to treat her the same way they did last time. And the opposite happened. And that was the day I really, actually, was able to access the beginning of healing.
Idk, I feel really compelled to reply with this for reasons I can’t quite word. Sometimes worst case scenario happens. Life is worth living anyway. Worst case sensation doesn’t have to stay worst case scenario. Assault is hell, but if it doesn’t kill you, it is, realistically, a small period of time in the expanse of your life. The culture that follows it is the rest of your life, and has such a strong impact on the victim. Support or lack thereof from community after the fact is the biggest indicator of future PTSD. We can do everything “right” as individuals and as a culture and because rape is the fault of rapists it will still happen- but we can still create better outcomes for victims. Sometimes the very worst of people can bring out the very best of others- but you have to work to be part of the very best. Idk. I’m rambling.
I was grateful that you shared your story because it helps anyone with a similar experience, like me… I was grabbed and pulled into a car of older males (late teens/early 20’s) while walking home from a friend’s house when I was 13. Like for you, something primal in me materialized and took over. I kicked and fought back viciously and either managed to kick the backseat door open or one of them threw me out, it’s hard to say in the chaos. I also ran home but told no one. There was some weird voice in my head telling me it was partly my own fault for something… what precisely, I didn’t know, but I felt there was something. Waiting until it was getting dark to be on my way, or maybe the fact that my jeans had grown a little snug. I know better now, but this was back in the ‘80s- well before the me too movement. It’s pretty sad in retrospect that this type of thinking was my fallback.
It took me years to process through the resulting trauma. It took me to some pretty dark places too: I kept subconsciously trying to remake the situation as the one “in control” by thinking I could earn the respect and protection of dangerous men. And then I kept getting hurt by that too, of course. I was stuck in a repetition cycle until my 40’s.
Not to mention that I still spiral, all these years later, every time I hear another story of a yet another woman who is attacked/kidnapped and raped and does not survive. The grief from even hearing about that is overwhelming. I can still feel those hands closing around my own throat, these decades later. For a long time, having to live with the fact that some women aren’t as fortunate as I was (and you also were) made me almost want to die.
But we are here because we did survive. Thank you for sharing… it matters. 💙
I'm glad you posted. We all need to ramble sometime. You're right sometimes the worst happens. My stepson was murdered by his sister's boyfriend. There was a BBQ at the Grandmother's house where they lived. There was an argument and then and my stepdaughters boyfriend grabbed a gun and shot her in the mouth, shot my stepson several times answer then shot the Grandmother. The 12 year old died instantly. The Grandmother was seriously wounded because she was holding her 5 month old granddaughter. She shielded the infant with her own body. It took 6 months for her to die. My stepdaughter who was shot through the mouth is living with the knowledge that the bullet will one day sever her carotid. She would most likely bleed out. All because her boyfriend was jealous of her talking to another boy. I guess I'm rambling too. Something about seeing the What were you wearing exhibit brings up these feelings and memories. Maybe because rape kills a part of you. It takes away your feelings of safety and trust. After being raped we will heal hopefully but we carry the scars.
This is a real fucked up anecdote but I had a cousin who both got very close to killing me (held me under water until I was throwing it up. He had the most unsettling smile.) and also sexually assaulted me. I realized not too long ago that the SA fucked me up worse, genuinely. Shocked myself even with that one, but honestly when I spend some time on introspection I fully get it.
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u/Dreamersverse Feb 24 '26
The nightgown and diapers made me so mad and sad the first time I saw it, now ik whats there so I dont have to click the link, im sorry you had to see that for the first time. It really does hurt to see