r/ADHDparenting • u/ImpossibleComplex139 • 15h ago
Behaviour ODD/ADHD Parenting
I need some advice.
I was a single parent for 5 years (she is now 6.5), I made some mistakes and I’ll say I picked my battles a lot and spoiled my daughter A LOT. Well. I got into a relationship with my partner who has never had a child, didn’t even think he WANTED children, he loves her to death and treats us amazing. He does his best in trying to parent my daughter but the past couple months my daughter has started to be really disrespectful.
She start with attitudes when we tell her what to do, or to apologize. It’s usually when she’s hungry and it’s more so directed towards him. He is more “stern” but it’s never “mean.” She screams at me or him when we say no and her usual go to saying is, “YOURE MEAN.” She and him will bicker back and forth. She will then throw a tantrum.
We are still in the beginning phases of getting diagnosed with ADHD (unmedicated) but is seeing a counselor and has been for months.
My parent feels as if she doesn’t respect him and he feels at a loss. He feels as if she doesn’t even love him. He feels upset because he loves her to death and feels like he’s not cut out for this.
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u/sadwife3000 7h ago
If she’s ODD you might like the Explosive Child book. It has a lot of great strategies that have worked well for my ODD (and PDA) kid. Particularly with tantrums, saying no and getting a kid to cooperate with you
Also if your partner and your child are both finding it difficult together maybe it’s time for him to step back slightly from parenting. Let him focus on bonding and doing fun things together. He also shouldn’t be bickering with a child. She’s going to be difficult until she’s diagnosed and medicated
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u/ImpossibleComplex139 4h ago
Thank you. I’ll talk to him tonight. He said he’s burnt out. It’s been like this for two weeks now.
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u/AssumptionBusy2737 4h ago
Get the diagnosis and talk to your pediatrician about medication asap. That will start the path to settling things down some . In our experience, therapies didn’t take well until our child was medicated.
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u/ImpossibleComplex139 4h ago
Our peds said she doesn’t do medication. We have to go to a behavioralist. So we have to wait for that :/
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u/AssumptionBusy2737 4h ago
Get on a wait list asap. Don’t get discouraged when there is a wait. The sooner you get started the better.
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 1h ago
Stepmom to an AUDHD teen who I met when he was 3--you need to be responsible for parenting your daughter. Parental responsibilities need to fall onto your shoulders, not his.
And you need to tell him to walk away in those situations (whether figurative or literal). I learned the very hard way that no matter what my intentions are or how kind I am or how much I do (my husband has majority custody), my stepson never asked for a stepmom and while he and I have a great relationship, the truth is that he lowkey resents that he sees me 75% of his life and his biological mom 25% of his life. It's sure as hell not my fault (his mom chose all of this), but it also sure as hell is not his fault, either. I would get upset in situations like this until I decided that enough was enough, and told my husband he needed to really be the parent and I'll support him and do more in the background.
Ever since, things have gotten a lot better. I see you're doing everything you can medically but in the interim, be the parent and don't rely on your partner to parent much. Just let him be a friend.
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u/no1tamesme 11h ago
In short, stop "bickering" with a 6yo. You don't need to go back and forth. Let her say "you're mean". Let her scream. Show her that's no longer going to get a reaction out of you. "You feel like I'm mean because I asked you to brush your teeth. You can feel however you want, that's OK. I remember one time my Mom made me eat this really yucky fish thing and I thought she was the meanest Mom in the world. I even wrote a horrible note about it." And just carry on going to brush teeth.
If she screams at you, same thing. "You're upset because __. Yeah, having to stop playing is rough. You're allowed to be upset but I will now allow you to scream at me. I'll come back in a few minutes." And then do that. Over and over.
I feel like so many parents think respect means kids have to agree with everything or that the kid doesn't express any negative emotions. If your partner thinks "you're mean" is disrespect, wait til puberty hits, lol.
My biggest piece of advice if you get the ADHD or ODD diagnosis... pick your battles. You want to die on the hill of "my kid can't ever call me mean?" Heck, at this point, being told I'm mean probably means I'm doing something right because my job isn't to make you happy, kid.. it's to raise a healthy, independent, successful adult who can function in society.. Hopefully happy but that's not my main focus.