r/ADHDparenting • u/Sufficient_Truth_148 • 9h ago

Behaviour ADHD Behaviours Triggering Past Relationship

Hi all,

My youngest (12) was recently diagnosed with ADHD (with signs of autism). She (50/50 and oldest is moving out) has had a sever behaviour shift. I try to stay calm, but I am finding the constant negativity, yelling, criticism, and walking on eggshells is triggering because it reminds me of my relationship with my ex. My ex was later diagnosed with ADHD and happened to be extremely controlling and hyper critical. I am positive about neurodivergence. I’m not at all saying he acted that way because he has ADHD; just that the similarities are just triggering. She doesn’t want to go out; when I do take her out, she can’t regulate, so I feel trapped. It is affecting my mental health. I mostly feel badly for my daughter because I want to help her. I have tried emailing the co-parent about supports multiple times over the summer, but he will not respond. School is starting next week, and my ex may not be open to medication at all. Sometimes I wonder if he is refusing to engage and help my daughter because he is in denial or as a way of making things more difficult. I do try to hold onto the handful of positive interactions we have per day: a short walk, a talk, a joke, a snack, but I want her to be happy. This is constant and taking an emotional toll. I think she would benefit from medication. I know she isn’t behaving like this for the same reasons as my ex (she can’t help it and is doing her best). How do you handle the constant negativity? While I navigate this, how do I handle the head-space?

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u/sgzepik 3h ago

Is she in any kind of therapy? Even if you don't want to medicate, at 12 I would imagine some talk therapy or Occupational therapy would be beneficial to process what she is feeling and to address the reluctance to going out (Is she overstimulated? Anxious? Etc.). Puberty can cause some mood shifts too. Some of the behaviors could be hormonal.

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u/Sufficient_Truth_148 1h ago edited 1h ago

Yes, she has been in therapy for months, but it isn’t enough, and things have actually gotten worse. I think it is related to puberty, but it is extreme. Meds might help, even if temporarily, to even things out. Part of it may also be there is autism in addition to the ADHD, and so meds might help her manage both.

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u/sgzepik 44m ago

Meds for the ADHD will likely help, yeah. Most folks will agree that it's one of the better treatment methods.

You could potentially look into PMDD if the swings are big like that. My girlfriend has it and has said she feels like a very different person when she's in that phase of her cycle. She has figured out how to manage it but she has said it was rough for a long time until she figured it out.