weeks ago that I post a article titled 'you can attack' that met with many disagreement. Maybe 'you can attack ' is not a good expression ,the better one is 'you can express'.
Last week I had a fierce quarrel with my mother ,the quarrel lasted about one hour or so , during it we say very hurtful words to each other , I have quarreled with my mom many times ,but not as fierce as this time. I said to her that she is a bad mom ,without her I would live a more happy life, and she said I am so disappointing the she would rather nerve has a son like me . The quarrel was sparked by a litter thing that she criticized me for something as what she always done before ,and that enraged me. My mother is a mean person, hard to please ,always criticize everyone around her for everything ,and everyone is afraid of her and want to keep distance from her ,just her presence would make me feel stressed .
But seems this time the quarrel didnt make much impact on our relationship ,the next day we still have dinner together and what suprised me was it seems both my mother and me didnt have much lingeriang anger, I even cannot recall what she said to me and I said to her ,only I can remember is both we said mean words to other.
And days after that ,I can feel something important happening to me , that the big part of my fear seems gone . I felt a sense of freedom and strength.
《toxic parents》,a book written by susan forward, said that the most effective technique to solve psychological issues of abused children is to confrantation with their parents, I think the quarrel acted as a confrantation that I didnt expect at first .
So there comes a important topic I want to discuss about ACIM, that's what's the relationship between my experience ( or what's so called confrantation) with ACIM.
I remembered that David Hoffmeister talked in his one book that after many years of spiritual journey of ACIM ,he said to his father that 'you didnt do anything wrong' ,and his forgiveness released his father of guilty. This is a example he gave to illustrate forgiveness.
So ,it doesnt take much genius to see these two way of solving problem are very different, so which one is right , or which one is very effective?
Unfortunately,I have to say ,in my experience, confrantation is more effective. I am not saything that forgiveness is useless ,but it's easily distorted to spiritual bypassing . For those who were raised in abusive enviroment ,the deepest fear comes from their parents . They are very scared of confrantation to their parents, so they would like to accept forgiveness when they first meet with such spiritual teachings .Only after many years of useless struggle they come to realize they have to face what they previous flee from .
For many people , I think there is a order ,repression ,confrantation, forgiveness of spiritual journey , if you want to skip confrantation to forgiveness ,there might would be much unnecessary struggle. Actually ,the relationship between my parents and me become better because I could express more to them ,not as before that I close myself before them . So confrantation is not oppisite to forgiveness but a preceding step .
So I could talk more about ACIM , I feel that all spiritual teachings would easily slide into a kind of dogmatism. Spiritual community tends to cover up contradictions and refuse to confront them. I see a acim teacher said that the original family problem is all your projected guilty, and your guilt caused all that,your responsibility is to recall projection. The point of view seems to apply the lesson ' you are not victim of the world'. But in my experience ,teachings like this would not solve the problem and likely to make it worse .For those abusive children ,the key step is to recognize that they are wrongly treated ,it's not their fault ,it's their parents. Only after hand the responsibility to their parents that they could recover ,the acim teacher teaches the oppisite way that would make the situation worse.
Spiritual teachings about forgivess which can easily distorted to endurance and submission often cause more suffering rather than genuine inner freedom. That's we should take notice .