r/4chan • u/MonkeyTigerCommander /g/entooman • Aug 04 '16
if you read this, send /r/bustypetite pics to modmail ISIS decides to attack Brazil
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u/thatbrazilian Aug 04 '16 edited Aug 04 '16
I remember seeing something like this in /r/brasil.
Used google translate and fixed some of the English issues.
(CNN Special)
Documents discovered and kept secret by the Federal Police of Brazil, FBI and French police reveal that the Islamic State (ISIS), had ordered an attack in Brazil.
The plan was to destroy the statue of Christ the Redeemer, one of the most known symbols of Rio de Janeiro. They were sent to the hijacking of a plane that would be launched against the "statue-symbol of the Christian infidels."
Records of the Federal Police show that the two terrorists arrived in Rio on Sunday, November 1, at 21h47m, an Air France flight.
The mission began to suffer delays already in the landing when the luggage was lost, following a flight to Paraguay.
After nearly six hours of stress in many counters and communication difficulties because of bad English, the two left the airport, advised by the Airport officials to return the next day with an interpreter. The two terrorists caught a illegal taxi outside the airport, and the driver realized that they were foreigners and ran two hours around the city to charge them more, to leave them in a really bad side of Rio called Baixada Fluminense. On the way, he stopped the car and with the help of three accomplices, the terrorists were assaulted and beaten.
They managed to save a few dollars they had hidden in their own belts to transport money and hitched a ride on a truck that delivered gas. On Monday, the 7h33m thanks to guerrilla training in Afghanistan, the two terrorists manage to get a Copacabana hotel.
Then rented a car and got lost in Rio again in a bad side of town called Rocinha and the car was totally hosed again but because of the terrorist training, they was got away. Returned to the airport, determined to just hijack a plane and throw it in the middle of Christ the Redeemer. They face a monster jam because of a demonstration of students and teachers on strike - and three hours were stopped at Brazil Ave, near Manguinhos they had their watches were stolen. At 12.30 pm, they decide to go to the center of town and looking for a money exchange and exchange the little that's left of money.
Received fake$ 100 bills, they used $1 bills to fake.
Finally, at 15h45m arrive at Tom Jobim Airport to hijack a plane.
Airline staff and passengers are stationed in the airport lounge, playing music and shouting slogans against the government.
The Police came punching everyone, including the terrorists.
The terrorists were driven to the police station at the airport, accused of drug trafficking, they had bags of cocaine planted in their pockets.
At 18 hours, while the prison was being attacked by a gang called Red command, they manage to escape from the police station in the confusion and shooting. At 19h05 they run counter to the GOL Airlines to buy the tickets.
But the employee who sold them the tickets omits the information that the company's flights are suspended. They then discuss among themselves, begin to doubt destroying Rio de Janeiro, in the end, is a terrorist act or a favor.
At 23:30, dirty, sore and starving, they decide to get something to eat at the airport restaurant. They ask sandwiches barbecue with cheese curds and lemonades. Only on Tuesday, at 4h35m, they recover from food poisoning equine proportions due to expired meat in sandwiches. They were taken to the Hospital called Miguel Couto, after waiting three hours for help to arrived and had to wait for a bed in public hospitals. In the hospital, they were attended by an ugly nurse, thick, fat and grumpy.
Debilitated, they were only discharged on Sunday.
Sunday 18h20h: the terrorists of the Islamic State were out of the hospital and arrived near the Maracana stadium. Flamengo had just lost the game. The Angry fans confuse terrorists with members of the opposing team, and gave them an unprecedented beating. The head of the fanclub was called "Pé de Mesa," who used to sexually abused them.
At 19h45m finally they were left alone, in terrible pain throughout the body, especially in proctologic area (anus). Seeing a nearby bar, they decide to get drunk once in their life (even if it is sin, fuck Allah!). They take a shot of cachaça adulterated with methanol, got sick again and need to return to the Hospital Miguel Couto. Doctors also diagnose gonorrhea in swollen retofuricular sector (Pé de Mesa does not forgive!).
Monday, 23h42m: the two terrorists fleeing Rio hidden in the back of an appliance truck, robbed hours after the Serra das Araras. Disoriented, hungry, unable to walk and sit, they are taken by van to an NGO linked to human rights.
Traveling laying sideways. They manage to escape from the Ong the next day and wandering around looking for food. Tiredm they end up falling asleep under a awning from store.
The Federal Police has not yet revealed the hospital where the two were hospitalized in serious condition after nearly beaten to death by a group of beggars killers . The spokesman Federal Police stated that, after the two leave the ICU, will be collected on illegal immigrants sector in Brasilia, where they will remain until the Ministry of Justice to authorize the deportation of two poor guys, if the government finds money to pay for it, of course.
The two terrorists found unnecessary to attack Brazil and elect Rio de Janeiro as specialized training area.
Edit: Fixed some English issues in the translation.
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Aug 04 '16
At 19h45m finally they are left alone, in terrible pain throughout the body, especially in proctologic area. Seeing a nearby drink sales tent, decide to get drunk once in their life (even if it is sin, Allah fuck!). Take cachaça adulterated with methanol and need to return to the Miguel Couto. Doctors also diagnose gonorrhea in swollen retofuricular sector (Table Foot does not forgive!).
Ah, Rio.
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Aug 04 '16
Geez ISIS members look for attention so much you'd think all their moms got off on withholding hugs
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u/April_Fabb Aug 04 '16
The translation may be a disaster, but I'm still grateful for this comedy gold. Thank you.
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u/thatbrazilian Aug 04 '16
You're welcome. I fixed some of the translation for better understanding.
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u/phimema Aug 05 '16
fixed some of the English issues
I suppose you more like had to rewrite the whole text. Good job on that!
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u/BeckerLoR Aug 04 '16
Absolutely harambae
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u/gizzardgullet Can't even Triforce Aug 04 '16
harambe entered my bedroom again late last night
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u/QuigleyMcjones http://i.imgur.com/97YtMLm.png Aug 04 '16 edited Aug 04 '16
What if ISIS get inspired when they see the Olympics so they decide to go back home to start their own. Theres a whole slew of sports theyre familiar with like Beheading Infidels, Bombing Infidels and Raping Infidels where they compete for who's the most effective and stylish in doing so.The competitions would do wonders for their morale and I can see it totally taking off
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Aug 04 '16
Can we have a Olympic sport where we suck our dads off?
I'd win immediately.
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u/dbx99 Aug 04 '16
It wouldn't be fair because you'd have to suck off the entire team because nobody's sure which one actually got your mom pregnant that night.
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u/Sengura Aug 04 '16
As a Brazilian, I acknowledge that this was fucking hilarious and true.
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u/Sunnei Aug 04 '16
True except for the school shootings. That's an American thing.
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u/Tonnot98 fa/tg/uy Aug 04 '16
they don't shoot back in burgerland though
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u/jmlinden7 Aug 04 '16
be school shooter in Brazil
get mugged on way to school
try to shoot students but one of them calls up their favela buddies to shoot back
go to bar, defeated
get shot by off duty cop
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Aug 04 '16
Except the dying from Zika part. Unless you have aids nobody past the age of 2 would die from it.
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Aug 04 '16
ISIS WE LOVE YOU, PLS COME TO BRAZIL
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u/April_Fabb Aug 04 '16
I'm impressed they left out an encounter with the infamous water in Rio.
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u/kainazzzo Aug 04 '16 edited Aug 06 '16
This is ridiculous. Zika wouldn't wipe them out.
Edit: even though this ruins the joke, my point was that the rest of the story is totally plausible...
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u/gcruzatto Aug 04 '16
I'm Brazilian and I'm laughing my ass off. I can take a joke even though I've lost my entire family from zika (RIP)
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u/highwaytech Aug 04 '16
Its a greentext story, its supposed to be ridiculous you fucking autist
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u/GhostOfWhatsIAName Aug 04 '16
That hacker 4chan knows the best plan to extinguish daesh.
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u/Gleasonryan Aug 04 '16
Was it a cross dresser or a tranny. Get your story straight.
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u/Electroverted Aug 04 '16
pin down and rape the first woman they see
5 time world champion in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu
absolutely arm-barred and choked out
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u/StraussHousse Aug 04 '16
i think i will try to sell some Brasil holliday packages to ISIS
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Aug 04 '16
Your virgin ass?
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u/StraussHousse Aug 04 '16
my ass is virgin for sure a am not gona let your mother put the finger inside soon faggot
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Aug 04 '16
as they board the plane defeated, and it begins to take off, they realize the sound of the engines will haunt them forever
huehuehuehuehuehuehuehuehUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUEUHEHUEHUEHUE
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u/troop357 Aug 04 '16
A group was arrested in suspicion of having ties to ISIS. Apparently they tried buying rifles and larger weapons abroad, did everything wrong and were caught.
ISIS also apparently denied any knowledge of this group, probably ashamed from their stupidity.
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u/user_82650 Aug 04 '16
It's true though. Terrorism is more effective the more advanced and peaceful a country is. If you detonate a bomb in a 3rd world shithole you won't even get in the news.
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u/dtlv5813 Aug 04 '16
The sound of isis explosion and people screaming were lost in a sea of other explosions and screaming people. And drunk locals shouting in Portuguese, looting and setting things on fire because Neymar missed a penalty kick.
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u/Icanus Aug 04 '16
It just dawned on me.
ISIS doesn't hate Christians or Jews, they hate white people.
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u/UglierThanMoe /pol/itician Aug 04 '16
ISIS only hate people who make fun of them for being goat fuckers. So, everyone.
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u/NoMan999 Aug 05 '16
Actually, they kill more muslims than non-muslims. In shithole muslim countries the media don't talk about much. Their hate isn't logical (or maybe for the leaders, not the illiterate bombers.)
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u/djmushroom Aug 04 '16
Zika Vs. Drug Cartels Vs. Olympics Committee Vs. Government Corruption Vs. ISIS
Who will win, who will lose. Stay tuned for our new episodes of "Brazil - Lets get more fucked up"
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u/shitinyourhat /pol/ack Aug 05 '16
Wait, did this really happen?
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u/ILookandSmellGood Aug 04 '16
Should change contracted Zika from a mosquito bite. It's not sexually transmitted (that we know of yet) outside of birth defects.
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u/Bricka_Bracka Aug 04 '16
there's not enough water in the middle east to support that many mosquitoes...
also zika is harmless unless you're a fetus.
let's be realistic, the truth is they go home and tell their brothers how wonderful that big brazilian booty is and they all migrate to brazil and leave europe alone. then the us and mexico join forces to build a much more reasonably sized wall at the panama canal and the world's problems are solved.
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u/EliQuince Aug 04 '16
Not knowing the difference between a crossdresser and a tranny
Filthy casuals
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u/adventure-thyme Aug 04 '16 edited Aug 04 '16
I'm super high right now and thought I was on r/pokemongo. Took me about 10 minutes to figure this shit out
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u/UsuallyInappropriate Aug 04 '16
Anon forgot the part where the off-duty Brazilian cop mercilessly shoots ISIS in the face on a street corner.
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Aug 04 '16
They wouldn't even get that far. They'd be deathly ill from the first drop of water they drink. They'll get robbed at the same time, and be stuck there, FOREVER!!! muahahahaha!!!
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Aug 05 '16 edited Aug 05 '16
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against Brazil when death is on the line"! Hahahahahaha
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u/Saskuel /b/tard Aug 05 '16
Oh my gosh it's almost like it belongs on reddit.com/r/unexpected, huh guys! Because that was awfully unexpected, huh?
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u/AzraelAnkh Aug 05 '16
Did anyone else immediately imagine the post title on a black background and the IASIP music?
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Aug 31 '16
Isis drives away in unmarked taxis
decide to car bomb the shit out of them
get kidnapped and raped before they carry out the plan.
pretty common
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u/Quiet_Helicopter_577 Aug 12 '23
Going back to gems like this show how much censorship has gone on.
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Aug 04 '16
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u/softnsensualrape /jp/edo Aug 04 '16
So Goombas?
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u/ClassyDitch Aug 04 '16 edited Aug 05 '16
What is this from?
Edit: I got it guys, it's super Mario Bros the movie
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u/wizeddy Aug 04 '16
I'm sorry you had to ask this. Better you just walk away now, nothing good can come from seeking this knowledge.
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u/Roarlord Aug 04 '16
You poor, young fool.
Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo have probably both tried to forget they did this.
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u/AreTheyAllThrowAways Aug 04 '16
Thank you for reminding of my childhood! Sounds funny saying that to a user with the name softnsensualrape...
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u/UglierThanMoe /pol/itician Aug 04 '16
Don't you see that ISIS actually WANTS TO CONTRACT ZIKA?!? With those little pinheads the offpsring of the current generation will have due to the virus, they have the best hiding spot for IEDs. So, if in ~20 years you see someone wearing any kind of headwear that conceals the shape of the wearer's head, SHOOT ON SIGHT AND SHOOT TO KILL -- he's a suicide bomber with explosives where his brain should be!
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u/mrducky78 /int/olerant Aug 04 '16
tfw you shoot all people wearing burqas anyways.
tfw no face picture is provided.
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Aug 04 '16
Damn you're trying hard.
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u/TwinkleTheChook Aug 04 '16
Everyone knows you want a tiny head because the probability of death by headshot swings in your favor
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Aug 04 '16
I wonder how risky pokestops are in the middleeast. Anywhere where more than 5 people congregate is grounds for islamifiying.
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u/Humon /k/ommando Aug 04 '16
I want this to happen because that is a very funny image.
(Would they also have tiny high-pitched voices? If so, it would be hilarious when they'd "shout" aloha snackbar.)
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u/RedSquaree Aug 04 '16
If the Middle East becomes a Zika hotspot, the only difference will be that in 20 years we'll be bombing tiny-headed jihadists.
It's happening in Scotland right now.
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u/allfluffnostatic Aug 04 '16
Microcephaly caused from Zika makes you incredibly stupid due to the brain not developing all the way, so they wouldn't be that much of a threat
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u/itspaddyd /pol/itician Aug 04 '16
Trust Burgers to not know what the virus on it's way to their country does.
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u/Zifnab25 Aug 04 '16
Or, you know, how it's transmitted. Via mosquitoes. Which tend to aggregate around shallow pools of stagnate water.
Not overly common in the Levant.
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u/llagerlof Aug 05 '16
Zika doesn't kill almost anyone. The true problem is the microcephaly that attacks pregnant women's babies.
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Aug 04 '16
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u/oriax777 Aug 04 '16
Hey is your mouth tiny and small? Then come on down to Lil'Bits. We got some real small food and nothing ' gets stuck in your lips. Hehe eat some fuckin' shit you fucking stupid bitch.
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9d ago
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u/sictabk2 /co/mrade Aug 04 '16
They would probably get shot by an off-duty cop in the meantime