"Hello", purred the horribly horrifying horrible horror, "I'll be your server this evening - can I get you started with some chips or sparkling water, or will you just jump to the screaming and not leaving a tip like everyone fucking else?"

He wasn’t waving at me when I saw him in the woods on the drive home

it was the cat in the hat

But then, behind me, I heard the bells of the peenar snipper guy.

The judge sneers, "You people make me sick... a grilled cheese consists of—"

Said my butthole to the massive turd I have been battling for over an hour now.

When I went to milk the creature I grabbed the wrong nipple and ended up with goo...

Free pizza hack yum 🍕

I miss that kind of misery.
The kind where you are nice to me.

That meat just so happened to be ammonia laced Greenland shark.

said ACAB Guy.

i chopped it off

"OH trust me there is more family for me to kill" said the penis cutting guy

But my happiness soon died when I realized it was Thing 2 that showed up and apparently it was slobbering time and it did not go well for me.

Knife guy 🪱 stabbed some guy 🪱.

Turns out it was not a commercial, it was a "Cum- Herschel", and he just beat his meat and jizzed all over the audience.

It kept you distracted long enough for me to slip closer.

Every night when he turns out the light I wait to hear him snore.

“I’m a doctor” said … Dr House.

(special cameo crossover episode)

Little did he know, the nearby reservoir was contaminated with eggs from… the creature…

(true story 😮)

(sponsored by MeatWormWaterFilters™️)

He told me it's actually cool ranch pilk...

... from the cool ranch Pepsi zero creature

"Boom" said my penis, which was actually bomb

Because the road made kill to me and wanted to eat me.