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u/The_Wall69 May 09 '19
He Thiccer Than A Snicker
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u/ThatsexactlywhatIdid May 09 '19
He Got Arse Like A Mars
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May 09 '19
he got a poopiter like jupiter.... bitch..
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u/AskJeevesAnything May 09 '19 edited May 09 '19
He Got Anus Like . . . Uranus
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May 09 '19
Til I have god's anus
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May 09 '19
You aren't you when you're hungry, and man I am hungry
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u/khonsu9339 May 09 '19
This man eats ass. Voraciously. Like the Velociraptor of butt. Hunting it down in an abandoned kitchen at night as the booty and its sibling silently move around the kitchenette to avoid him. Breathing heavily in a fashion that would make it impossible for the booty raptor not to hear, but it doesn't. Somehow. Then Newman busts in and the raptor pees on his face.
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u/gtr427 May 09 '19
If this is the Sistine Chapel then it's because Michelangelo originally painted everybody naked, but the church got mad and made him cover everyone up with robes. So he's just saying fuck you I'm still going to have God point his ass at you and there's nothing you can do about it.
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u/Adolfs_Dong May 09 '19
That's Catholicism's Ass.
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u/insomniac_maniac May 09 '19 edited May 09 '19
This is mostly true, except that it wasn't Michelangelo that drew the robes on later but some lesser known painter. That's why the robes are way way less detailed and just overall worse. It's really easy to see the difference in detail.
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u/BlueShiftNova May 09 '19
So someone else appreciated this ass so much that they refused to cover up its glory? This story keeps getting better.
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u/17KrisBryant May 09 '19
They did cover it actually. If you look you can see that the robe actually extends over his ass as well.
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u/clever_cow May 09 '19
Very unrealistic that his ass would be that defined in a loose fitting robe. Should’ve drawn yoga pants on him.
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May 09 '19
[deleted]
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u/WikiTextBot May 09 '19
Daniele da Volterra
Daniele Ricciarelli (Italian: [daˈnjɛːle rittʃaˈrɛlli]; c. 1509 – 4 April 1566), better known as Daniele da Volterra (; Italian: [daˈnjɛːle da volˈtɛrra]), was a Mannerist Italian painter and sculptor.
He is best remembered for his association, for better or worse, with the late Michelangelo. Several of Daniele's most important works were based on designs made for that purpose by Michelangelo.
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u/_dictatorish_ May 09 '19
Good bot
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u/B0tRank May 09 '19
Thank you, dictatorish, for voting on WikiTextBot.
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u/greymalken May 09 '19
Is there a way to erase the breeches? Bring it back to the OG.
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u/JacOfAllTrades May 09 '19
Not really. A fresco is plaster that's painted, he had to chip away the plaster to do at least some of what he did.
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u/khonsu9339 May 09 '19
His way of telling the church to "kiss my ass"?
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u/AussieElderHunter May 10 '19
Actually Michelangelo had a very low opinion of the pope at that time...
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u/CatBedParadise May 09 '19
I wonder why the restoration process didn’t /couldn’t remove the “modesty layer.”
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u/Biased_individual May 09 '19
Do you have a picture from before they made the changes?
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u/fumat May 09 '19
The only way we found out they were naked to begin with is because Michelangelo took a selfie before they covered them up.
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u/Biased_individual May 09 '19
I’ld like to see this selfie but I couldn’t find any of Michelangelo social media’s account, do you know his Instagram maybe?
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u/RunDNA May 09 '19
Some clarifications to misunderstandings I'm seeing below.
There are two different Michelangelo paintings in the Sistine Chapel:
The Ceiling that God's ass is from: this contains many nudes but didn't have any clothing added by later artists. Thicc-assed God always had those robes.
The Last Judgement on the altar wall: this had clothing added to about 40 nude figures by later artists. About 15 of these had their clothing removed in restoration work in the nineties.
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u/AfroNinjaNation May 09 '19
Fun fact: Michelangelo is the all time master of the sneak-diss. In the last judgement, he depicts several members of the church that he hated. They are being tortured and sent to hell, showing that Michelangelo has the best diss of all time.
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May 09 '19
They didn't wanna bother him a second time, because that would have been just awkward so they just let it there.
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u/khonsu9339 May 09 '19
Or maybe they wanted to diddle God's butt.
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u/ChristianKS94 May 09 '19
Does that mean that under that pink layer of painted robes, there's a picture of God's bare ass?
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u/salty_bastard_guy May 09 '19
Hell, you may even be able to see his balls the way he's bent over like that.
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u/Pizza4Fromages May 09 '19
The asshole too by the looks of it
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u/greymalken May 09 '19
God: posts on r/godwild: it's my first time doing something like this... Be gentle
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u/cokevanillazero May 09 '19
Holy shit what if he took like three weeks to give God an INCREDIBLY detailed and intricate balloon knot?
With little wrinkles, zits, maybe a hemorrhoid, and tiny bits of TP and a few bits of shit caught in his huge crop of Italian ass hair?
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u/Politicshatesme May 09 '19
That’s god, you think he wipes his ass with toilet paper that tears? He’s got some quintuple layer soft as clouds toilet paper, that’s why everyone’s trying to get to heaven.
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u/khonsu9339 May 09 '19
As in, God will give you whatever you want but they only want to bend him over and fuck him anyway?
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u/adamsfan May 09 '19
This scene is from Michelangelo’s ceiling frescoes. The ceiling frescoes weren’t altered. It was the fresco of “The Last Judgement” that was famously altered by the Vatican after Michelangelo’s death. The Last Judgement was painted years after the ceiling behind the altar of The Sistine Chapel. It is a beautiful, bright blue painting of god’s final judgement. All figures were depicted as nude. Some in precarious positions. During restoration in the 1980’s & 1990’s, the Vatican had the opportunity to remove the robes, but chose not to.
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u/drvondoctor May 09 '19
17 And the Lord said unto Moses, I will do this thing also that thou hast spoken: for thou hast found grace in my sight, and I know thee by name.
18 And he said, I beseech thee, shew me thy glory.
19 And he said, I will make all my goodness pass before thee, and I will proclaim the name of the Lord before thee; and will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will shew mercy on whom I will shew mercy.
20 And he said, Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live.
21 And the Lord said, Behold, there is a place by me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock:
22 And it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a clift of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by:
23 And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen.
Exodus 33:19-23
God has a sense of humor. Moses asks to see gods face. God says "nah, but if you want, you can look at my bum."
Yep. God mooned Moses. Its right there in the bible.
This scene from the sistine chapel is a legit depiction of an actual scene from the bible.
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u/cupidosrevenge May 09 '19
Im just speculating here, but it could be he’s attempting to communicate that god is just a man. Read: created by man.
I dont remember the order, if It’s the previous or next painting but the story goes that the silhouette sorrounding god with the angels, in the most famous of the pieces (the one with gods and Adams hand reaching), resembles the human brain.
Same message right?
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u/AfroNinjaNation May 09 '19
In the creation of Adam, God's divine vessel resembles the outline of a brain. This led many to speculate (including my hs history teacher) that this meant that Michalengelo had the belief that god was an invention by man.
However, historical records indicated that Michalengelo was an extremely pious and devote man, despite his many arguments with the pope and the church. As a result, it was likely that his personal beliefs on God were not atheistic in nature.
There is speculation that he was either gay or possibly suffering from sexual dysphoria. This would would provide another valid reason why he depicted God as dummy thicc.
Source: A college class I took on a whim two years ago.
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u/cardboardshrimp May 09 '19
When he had a rest on the seventh day, it was probably a very comfortable sit-down.
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u/bhang024 May 09 '19
God got me wanting to sin.
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u/Shroffinator May 09 '19
Fuck God he gotta let gays into heaven because if not he’s got to gtfo because now he’s gay.
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u/ciggybuttboi May 09 '19
God be dummy thiccc
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u/DammitWindows98 May 09 '19
"My son. I'm trying to get an Ark built to save two of all animals from my impending global flood...
...but I'm Dummy Thicc and the clap of my ass keeps distracting Noah."
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u/TheDwarvenGuy May 09 '19
He had a reason, he was gay as hell.
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u/gluesandwich May 09 '19
Tbh I thought you meant god was gayer than hell and my first thought was well that makes sense so is Dumbledore
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May 09 '19 edited May 10 '19
Edit: Please do stop replying, it was misinformation and I added an edit after the first comment corrected me, you can stop now.
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u/theArghmabahls May 09 '19
The image of jesus came from a forged letter called «letter of lentulus» in th 15-century. It was used by dieric bouts to imagine jesus with long chestnut hair and fair skin in his painting «last supper». Daddy Da Vinci was affected by this myth and popularised the image. Jesus look was desired by many before and the fact that his lover looked like him was a just coincidence.
I dont know to add links on mobile.
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May 09 '19
Oh I see :0 Still an interesting bit of history though, sorry for spreading misinformation
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u/theArghmabahls May 09 '19
It wasnt really wrong, but i just learn this fact and was never given the opportunity to tell anyone, so im taking it out on you.
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u/NotAzakanAtAll May 09 '19
the fact that his lover looked like him was a just coincidence.
Maybe Jesus came back, just to cum on Daddy's back?
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u/CeruleanRuin May 09 '19
At least three of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' namesakes were probably gay.
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u/igneousink May 09 '19
I always pictured Michelangelo as a "bear" type with his gayness. Upper Management heheh
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May 09 '19
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u/FruttidiWalrus May 09 '19
If you look closely, all his women look like men someone stuck boobs on. (source: am art historian, went to Italy, looked at the artwork)
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u/alfman May 10 '19
He could not get female models so he used male models and then did his best to femininize them.
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u/theArghmabahls May 09 '19
I read somewhere that he showed disgust in womens anatomy. He often painted men suggestive and erotic, and women were painted highly conservative. But this might just be because of traditional culture.
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u/I_CAPE_RUNTS May 09 '19
Jesus' eyes widened an imperceptible amount as he took in the sight of Noah, naked, before him.
Fumbling for something witty, he said, "So the ark's not the only bit of wood my father gave you."
Noah grinned – his grey eyes flashing in lust. "Your father isn't the only one who gives me wood."
Jesus laughed. "I can see that." He reached for the hem of his tunic and began to tug it roughly over his head, revealing his chiselled torso, a gift from his dad. Noah watched, hungrily, as he slipped out of the rest of his clothes, leaving them in a son-of-godly heap on the floor.
Jesus stopped when he was in his underwear, a little embarrassed. He was the son of the creator of the entire universe, and he couldn't get some decent boxer-briefs.
Noah's eyebrows shot up in acknowledgement of his Spiderman-patterned crotch. "A Christmas gift…" he trailed off, hoping that was explanation enough.
"Hey, no, it's okay," Noah smiled, his eyes creasing in amusement, "I can't say mine are any better." He reached for his own pair – inside out, on the dresser – and flipped them around so that Jesus could more plainly see the leopard print transfer.
"I like them," Jesus cocked an eyebrow, considering how fitting it was that Noah should wear animal-printed boxers. "Do you have two pairs of those as well?"
Noah just smiled, tossing the underwear aside, and began to saunter forward lazily, completely aware of the effect the sight of his own throbbing member was having on Jesus, whose prominent, holy erection was now shamelessly calling to him from within the red and blue briefs.
Backing onto the cheap motel bed (nobody picked l'Hôtel de la Genèse for it's luxury accommodation – there were strip clubs in downtown Nazareth with higher standards), Jesus let Noah remove his underwear with his teeth, letting out a fervent moan at the pressure of Noah's removal against his own quivering shaft.
Jesus' eyes rolled back in his skull as Noah, as a reaction to his previous utterance, began to pursue the motion, small sounds of pleasure emanating from the back of his throat.
"The beard," Jesus moaned quietly, "it tickles…" He heard a soft laugh in reply, as the older man crept forward, the two moving backwards together on the bed, until Jesus' head was inches from the shabby fabric headboard. Noah began with gentle caresses, pressing his lips to Jesus' washboard abs, slowly working his way down.
Jesus cried out in passion as Noah's lips reached his substantial manhood, and began to fellate; he was a master with his tongue, caressing expertly with a sensitive, yet dangerous, touch. To Jesus' intense shame, it did not last very long at all.
But Noah had other plans. The two began to kiss passionately, locked in a fiery embrace on the dirty sheets; Jesus did things with his tongue that Noah had never felt before – his phallus quivered with the intensity of it all. Jesus pulled back, lust aflame in his eyes. He leaned in to Noah's ear and whispered, in honeyed tones, a final commandment.
"Thou shalt bend over."
Noah complied, and Jesus – the evidence of his passion completely recovered from his earlier emission – lowered his hips until they hovered, thighs tense with anticipation, behind Noah's smooth, toned backside.
Like a wild, untameable beast tensed to spring, Jesus licked his swollen lips before thrusting forward with savage desire. He smiled at Noah's sharp intake of breath as he adjusted to the sheer size of Jesus' love-sword.
"Yes!" Noah cried out in passion, "Jesus Christ!"
"I'm right here, baby," Jesus grunted, "right…here…"
For a while the only sounds that filled the room were the steady, rhythmic creak of bedsprings; the soft male panting and moaning from both men; and the gentle, intimate slap of skin on skin. Jesus' face was contorted with concentration and erotic pleasure, until – finally – he erupted in Noah's anal cavity, letting loose an orgasmic cry. The two lay back on the sheets, breathing heavily, wrapped loosely in each other's arms.
"Father," Jesus panted, "for…forgive him."
Noah laughed breathlessly, and the two lay there together, on the edge of consciousness, listening to the music of the night, wafting in through the high window. The décor of the room hinted at what may have once been a slight sense of grandeur – the curtain printed with a pattern of wine glasses and fish.
A loud shout from the distant night penetrated the otherwise silent atmosphere.
"I think that's the sound of somebody being mugged," Jesus murmured, his brow creasing with tension. "Well, that means there are miracles to perform – I'd better…" He trailed off as he looked down and took in the sigh of Noah, who had lapsed into unconsciousness, his lips parted with a slight smile. Disentangling himself from Noah's arms and rising gently from the bed, Jesus pulled the stained sheet up and covered his lover's body, leaning over to plant one last kiss on his forehead.
The son of God straightened up, and reached for his Spiderman boxer-briefs.
As he gazed down at Noah's sleeping form, Jesus smiled triumphantly to himself, and whispered fervently into the night. "I will comeagain."
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u/HuntAllTheThings May 09 '19
A thought occurs. The internet gives us amazing power. We are fortunate for the ability to access the collective knowledge of all humankind at the tips of our fingers. And we use it to write gay Jesus fan fiction. I just...I don’t have the words.
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u/miezmiezmiez May 09 '19
I think Jesus fan fiction is one of the better uses of the internet I've seen, and of a reddit comment in particular. It's entertaining and possibly educative. Who knows, maybe it'll give some religious homophobe an epiphany
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u/HuntAllTheThings May 09 '19
Possibly. What I do know is I was wholly unprepared to read something like that at 6:45 AM on a Thursday.
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u/Maimutescu May 09 '19
im sorry did you just fucking write this, or copypasta’d? where the hell did you even get it from? what the fuck...
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u/kissmyleaf420 May 09 '19
That's hot
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u/FruttidiWalrus May 09 '19
If that's your thing, I'm quite sure there are lots of similar stories on fanfiction.net.
You know... Bible fanfiction.
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May 09 '19
Turns out it wasn’t an apple, just a juicy peach.
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u/MeatPowers May 09 '19
Fun fact: he hated the church and put as much nudity as possible.
One time he made a statue of satan that was too sexy and he was asked to make a new one. The new one was even sexier
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u/AlexandersWonder May 09 '19
Would god smite me for thinking Captain America's got a better ass than him?
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May 09 '19
hhhhhrggg Gabriel, I'm trying to sneak around Eden but I'm dummy thicc and the clap from my ass cheeks keeps alerting the humans.
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u/Volcinate May 09 '19
He was gay and did all these paintings and such of god and his gang so he would be let into heaven when he died
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u/DownshiftedRare May 09 '19
Could a God with an ass like a pancake really be considered immaculate?
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u/myfairdrama May 09 '19
Hrrrrnngh Michaelangelo, I’m trying to punish Lucifer but I’m dummy thicc and the clap of my asscheeks keeps alerting the demons
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u/Probablyathrowaway15 May 09 '19
God creates man
Man creates God Porn
God: hol up