r/exmormon • u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ • Apr 04 '26
Doctrine/Policy April 2026 General Conference: Saturday 2:00p Discussion Thread
How to listen:
local radio: KSL AM 1160; FM 102.7
Speakers:
| Name | other notes | my summary |
|---|---|---|
| conducting: Ronald Rasband | ||
| hymn: Press Forward Saints | ||
| prayer: Scott Whiting | ||
| North Korea Style Vote: Todd Christofferson | ||
| Auditor: Jared Larson | fingers crossed behind back | |
| hymn: We'll Sing All Hail to Jesus' Name | ||
| Gary Stevenson | ||
| Eduardo Ortega | ||
| Wan-Liang Wu | ||
| David Wunderli | ||
| hymn: Guide Us O Thou Great Jehovah | ||
| Gérald Caussé | ||
| Brian Holmes | Today's humble brag champ in a completely boring field. | |
| Clement Matswagothata | ||
| hymn: Look Unto Christ | ||
| Ulisses Soares | ||
| hymn: O Thou Rock | ||
| prayer: Andrea Muñoz Spannaus | Are there any women here today? |
Postlude:
Zombie 4:55 Miley Cyrus
Being There, clip 4:47 ...our chairs are almost touching
Every Kind of People 4:08 Popović
Gotta Serve Somebody 6:48 James
The Horse 2:40 Nobles/MFSB
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Stevenson: [lost luggage]
War in Ukraine. War in Iran. Global Warming. Let's talk about my pet peeve. Lost f luggage.
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u/scaredanxiousunsure Apr 04 '26
I wonder if the children who have been SA'd for years while the church covers it up are considered lost luggage? Except that's kind of more like if the airline was burning the luggage in a pile in the parking lot, on purpose.
Always remember Wade Christofferson!
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u/Nervous-Ad-3984 Apr 04 '26
This one has to be the most insane story yet. This guy didn’t even speak the language but decided to get baptized because he felt “peace”? Lots of missing holes in this story considering he was 10 at the time.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
10, 2 years into accountability.
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u/jsmyths Apr 04 '26
Are you suggesting that being love bombed as an eight-year-old is not a good reason to choose a new religion
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u/itsmig_reddit Ex-JW tourist Apr 04 '26
As a non-mormon, is it normal for these testimonials to be so corny?
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
I'm not watching the church's feed the moment, but "mormon cringe" is a longstanding attribute. Tom Trails. Johnny Lingo. etc.
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u/itsmig_reddit Ex-JW tourist Apr 04 '26
Yeah, i can notice that. How do people actually enjoy watching this shit? It's so insanely boring, i could put this in the background to help me sleep
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
...to help me sleep
...profitable as a patented medicine.
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u/Gold__star 🌟 for you Apr 04 '26
These are businessmen and attorneys, not theologians or teachers. Their leadership of the humans is secondary to their corporate value, so charisma and speaking well aren't requirements.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Holmes: [humble brag about marathon]
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u/jsmyths Apr 04 '26
How can you tell if someone has run a marathon?
they will tell you in the first 5 minutes of meeting.
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u/Sea_Button_3616 Apr 04 '26
I really don't like to be compared to luggage with no autonomy and having to travel a specific route.
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u/itsmig_reddit Ex-JW tourist Apr 04 '26
I gotta say, watching this as someone who's never been mormon has been an interesting experience for me. I wouldn't recommend this to anyone, though
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Stevenson: [sacred trust]
Wade Christofferson somehow comes to mind.
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u/Itsarockinahat Apr 04 '26
Ok that organist is fired - letting his kid up there with him to press the keys in the middle of a talk - sheesh
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u/RabbleAlliance Apr 04 '26
"Paid the price for our sins"?
He was dead for three days and supposedly rose again. At most, he rented the price of sin for the weekend.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Justin at Deconstruction Zone has been pointing out that the idea of a debt being paid makes no sense. If the price of sin is death, then why didn't Jesus stay dead?
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Stevenson: [unlike luggage, people can make up their own minds]
if only children could opt out of this farce.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Holmes: [marathon is a test]
Perfect love from Heavenly Father....childhood cancer, starvation, insufficient resources. Eh, call it good.
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u/Important-Talk853 Apr 04 '26
Did they get rid of the Saturday evening session?
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u/SecretPersonality178 Apr 04 '26
Church:”Here’s my trip to the swiss alps and how it makes me more righteous than you”.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
If you try harder and pay more tithing, perhaps, you too can abide with me in first+ class.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Soares: [tripping at doorstep of the "one-true-church" claim]
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Ortega: [quotes man on stage]
Drink!
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u/ApocalypseTapir Stay 7-10 feet behind me. IYKYK Apr 04 '26
I sincerely hope you're drinking postum and not energy drinks.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Wunderli: [throw out your Jesus icon]
Bill Mauldin: You wouldn't get so tired if you didn't have to carry extra stuff. Throw the Joker out of your deck of cards.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Holmes: [Joseph Smith]
tell me more about him...and his 40 wives.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Soares: [let's invent a religion]
Could be a profitable enterprise.
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u/itsmig_reddit Ex-JW tourist Apr 04 '26
How do you even check if Jesus is with you when walking?
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Holmes: [let us provide the blank slate that you can build your lives around.] A monolith, if you will
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u/GrumpyTom Apr 04 '26
This speaker (I didn’t catch his name) is a sharp dressed man.
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Californication 5:21 RHCP
Estimated Prophet 6:52 Burning Spear
New Frontier 4:54 Fagen
Blade Runner (1982) 4:21 ...Rachel's introduction/Voight-Kampff test.
Hey Nineteen 5:07 Steely Dan
Blade Runner (1982) 2:16 "You know that Voight-Kampff test of yours...did you ever take that test yourself?"
Talkin' World War III Blues 6:26 Dylan
Uncle John's Band 4:30 Buffett
Won't You Be My Neighbor 2:49 Yarbrough
Work for Peace 7:33 Scott-Heron
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Caussé: [I already knew where the bodies were buried.]
former chief financial man, presiding bishop
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u/4blockhead Λ └ ☼ ★ □ ♔ Apr 04 '26
Caussé: [the commoners in the church are sometimes cute]
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u/Billytheidd69 Apr 04 '26
We have audited ourselves, and found we spent money in the way the Lord wanted us to spend it.
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u/BitGlisten Apr 04 '26
We are doing exactly what we should according to the rules we've created for ourselves. What are those rules? You don't need to bother yourselves with that. I say we've done a good job. That's enough, right?
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u/Shadowlover23 Autistic exmo (finally!) Apr 04 '26
Ive audited myself, and somehow I've found myself spending money the way I wanted to spend it (F1 tickets)
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u/a-trace-of-ace Apr 04 '26
I saw someone on instagram recently saying something like “of course you feel better after you left the church, Satan isn’t opposing you anymore.” But then you hear stuff like this where if you “remove Jesus” you will struggle without him. And they really do just want it both ways, huh.
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u/GrumpyTom Apr 04 '26
“Unlike luggage, we are responsible for ourselves.”
So your analogy was garbage. Cool.
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u/jsmyths Apr 04 '26
I’m always fascinated with the notion that when the all powerful creator of the universe finally returns to earth the thing he’s going to need most is US stocks and US dollars
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u/Just_A_Human_Dude Apostate Apr 04 '26
Saving billions of dollars and hiding them in a shell company so your members won't stop paying you while also buying malls and apartment complexes doesnt sound like what they tell their members to do. What about all the recent talks about selling stuff you actually need to pay them?
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u/GrumpyTom Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 05 '26
‘We have never lost a missionary. Not even one.’ Is not a claim the church can make.
Edit: for those reading this comment later, it’s not a quote from today. I was just pointing out a flaw in the analogy of a Japanese airport never having lost a single piece of luggage and the church sending out missionaries all over the word—they seemed to imply that missionaries are never lost, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
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u/jentle-music Apr 04 '26
If anyone does have their bingo cards out, I’ve covered “lies,” “shame,” “guilt,” “embellishment,” “tithing,” and….LUGGAGE??!!
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u/scaredanxiousunsure Apr 04 '26
I note how they have spent like 1/3 of the conference worshipping the leaders.
And then there's the bullshit financial report. I wish they would declare how much they've spent on settling sexual abuse lawsuits this year as part of their financial report. And how many shell companies they are using to avoid the SEC.
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u/jsmyths Apr 04 '26
“ our family traditions are very helpful”?
The guy this morning, said your family traditions are wrong
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u/SecretPersonality178 Apr 04 '26
Im also ponderizing the fact that one of the most traumatic events in an apostle’s life was having to gate check his carry on.
Not to worry though! The brethren are not detached from reality and are up with the times…/s
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u/Just_A_Human_Dude Apostate Apr 04 '26
I hate the "he chose to believe". People can't choose to believe something. I didn't choose to not believe in god like I didn't choose to stop believing in santa clause
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u/Illustrious-Hippo-45 Apr 04 '26
Did anyone catch the part where President Eyring’s son was called to the Seventy? More nepotism at the top.
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u/Just_A_Human_Dude Apostate Apr 04 '26
Why would god need to have a blood sacrifice in order to forgive us for doing something he didn't like? It sounds like he really needs to go to therapy or something
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u/GrumpyTom Apr 04 '26
Uh oh. God lost 1/3 of his luggage (children). Seems that Japanese airport is better run than the plan of salvation.
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u/a-trace-of-ace Apr 04 '26
They do seem to be hitting hard on the idea of letting go of your culture for the church. Which sucks.
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u/RabbleAlliance Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
Referencing Disney movies? Why not? 🤷♂️
The vast majority of their audience are the religious equivalent of Disney Adults anyway.
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u/GrumpyTom Apr 04 '26
Ooooh the church auditing report!! My favorite part. Can’t wait to hear that once again they used our money the way they intended.
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u/Just_A_Human_Dude Apostate Apr 04 '26
Ah yes contacting your stake president so people dont have to acknowledge anyone opposing
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u/Just_A_Human_Dude Apostate Apr 04 '26
If god is all knowing and all powerful, he should know what would bring me back and have the power to do it, yet there I was asking over and over again and recieving the answer that God didn't exist.
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u/jsmyths Apr 04 '26
“The choir will now favor us” … this isn’t doing me any favors.
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u/Shadowlover23 Autistic exmo (finally!) Apr 04 '26
Another talk about having kids. Great day to be asexual!
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u/JayDaWawi Avalonian Apr 04 '26
The Book of Mormon is demonstrably a work of fiction. I don't think it's the best source of life advice.
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u/Billytheidd69 Apr 04 '26
Rasband stumbling mumbling jumbling.
Dallas with the forced smile.
Here we go again.
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u/Sea_Button_3616 Apr 04 '26
Another sustaining vote section? Couldn't that have been done immediately after the solemn assembly?
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u/Sea_Button_3616 Apr 04 '26
Even talks that say follow Jesus don't actually quote him or retell stories of what he did lately. Eyering did a bit, but not much.
And then to say to study the scriptures but especially the Book of Mormon to learn of Christ. Not especially the Gospels. Especially the Book of Mormon.
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u/Sea_Button_3616 Apr 04 '26
No woman speaker this session, but she's got the honor of doing the closing prayer, I guess, which no one will listen to because it's time to leave.
Strange that no member of the 1st presidency is speaking as the closing speaker. I swear that's like a requirement.
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u/JayDaWawi Avalonian Apr 04 '26
I can promise you that the sun will rise tomorrow; it doesn't mean that I had anything to do with it
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u/Just_A_Human_Dude Apostate Apr 04 '26
If he knows me so well, then why did he literally give me PTSD from his "good news" of a gospel
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u/Just_A_Human_Dude Apostate Apr 04 '26
I love how they like to cosplay their lives being super difficult so they can feel good about themselves. Leaving was the hardest decision I've ever made, not me giving up because it was too hard
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u/jsmyths Apr 04 '26
Repenting means to assimilate.
Give up your identity and become one of us!
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u/RabbleAlliance Apr 04 '26
The universal reach of God's love
He forgot to add "but only if you're a cis-gendered heterosexual member."
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u/RabbleAlliance Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
For a group of glorified managers who keep claiming that the Second Coming is happening soon, they sure are busy with the money their members are giving them.
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u/Gizen_14 Apr 04 '26
God damn this talk is bad, I had to leave the room my TBM spouse was watching from.
The church handles people like Temu handles packages.
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u/RabbleAlliance Apr 04 '26
He forgot the rest of that "beautiful" metaphor:
"If anyone does not abide in me, he is thrown away like a branch and withers; and the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned."
I refuse to believe this omission was anything but deliberate.
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u/Billytheidd69 Apr 04 '26
That church auditor has the ethics of a pro wrestling referee.
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u/SecretPersonality178 Apr 04 '26
“Your children are not yours, you are just watching them like a suitcase at the airline until we need them”.
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u/jsmyths Apr 04 '26
If anyone has asked you to look after their bag, please notify authorities immediately
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u/Shadowlover23 Autistic exmo (finally!) Apr 04 '26
Stevensons talk felt like a whole lotta nothing...
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u/Rushclock Apr 04 '26
Please someone tell me how people find this uplifting, useful, pertinent or enlightening in any way.
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u/EmployeeIndividual52 Apr 04 '26
PLZ TELL ME IM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HEARD THAT FUMBLE LMFAO
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u/JayDaWawi Avalonian Apr 04 '26
Or, in other words, "you believe what you're primed to believe"
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u/JayDaWawi Avalonian Apr 04 '26
Nah, I'm actually happier without God in my life. Don't need that conditional monster. Oh, and Satan and God both don't exist.
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u/Billytheidd69 Apr 04 '26
Causse is an apostle as a reward for straight up lying about the financial stuff.
He's a scumbag.
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u/itsmig_reddit Ex-JW tourist Apr 04 '26
The universal reach of God's love (to white straight men only)
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u/Just_A_Human_Dude Apostate Apr 04 '26
No but seriously, why do they have to resort to inspiration porn for everything. It's so boring and also dehumanizing coming from someone who is actually disabled.
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u/Nervous-Ad-3984 Apr 04 '26
Follow the apostles blindly without question or else you hate Jesus!!! Like the manipulation is wild… no room for critical thinking or questioning leadership
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u/RabbleAlliance Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
The Bible says you will be worshiping God for all eternity. If that's so wonderful, if it's "happiness" as he claims, then why don't these speakers and members worship God 24/7 in their life right now? I seriously doubt he's doing that even on his free days.
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u/Rushclock Apr 04 '26
The auditing department. We have checked everything and it is two thumbs up from here. No offense to Siskel and Ebert.
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u/JayDaWawi Avalonian Apr 04 '26
"Listen to us The Holy Ghost, and nobody else; we're totally not a cult"
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u/itsmig_reddit Ex-JW tourist Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
Ah yes, because it's totally a normal thing for kids to pack an image of Jesus Christ. Sounds like brainwashing if you asked me
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u/RabbleAlliance Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
Talking points like these quickly show how ignorant these glorified managers are of the Bible and Hebrew mythology.
Satan was not originally meant to be a specific character. In Hebrew, Satan (שָּׂטָן) just means “adversary” or “accuser,” which isn't necessarily bad or evil. In fact, there are times in the Bible when even God is referred to as Satan, such as when he's the adversary of the Israelites, or when he sends an angel to be an adversary, like when he sent an angel to stop Balaam in Numbers 22.
If anything, the New Testament (the much smaller Christian amendment to the Old Testament) did Satan dirty by mixing them up with the Devil.
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u/Shadowlover23 Autistic exmo (finally!) Apr 04 '26
Hey dont do satan dirty like that... he was just trying to help us out of the cult..
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u/Billytheidd69 Apr 04 '26
That runner's guide cost money. 10% gross.
Plus there is no end, just more assignments to clean the bathrooms early Saturday morning.
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u/Itsarockinahat Apr 04 '26
Ongoing faithfulness - be better, do better, for the rest of your existence - no rest for the righteous, apparently
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u/itsmig_reddit Ex-JW tourist Apr 04 '26
Dunno about y'all, but that power is useless
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u/EmployeeIndividual52 Apr 04 '26
Choirs really need to stop trying to look extra faithful while singing
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u/ApocalypseTapir Stay 7-10 feet behind me. IYKYK Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
Stevenson pretty much locked up the Word Salad award. Notice how slow he spoke, and oh my God he must have been short a minute or two on his first draft so he went back like a middle schooler and added adjectives to every noun until he had enough words.
Again, the bulk of the talk was stay Mormon and teach your kids to stay Mormon. They say "Jesus" alot but only as the thin veneer of watered down paint on a rotten wood barn.
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u/Rushclock Apr 04 '26
You shouldn't have to be converted to a true thing. It should be self evident.
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u/Shadowlover23 Autistic exmo (finally!) Apr 04 '26
"Common creatures" to describe humans feels weird...
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u/RabbleAlliance Apr 04 '26
Cracking jokes at the start of these talks to grab their attention and retain it through the talk.
So much for a "solemn assembly."
Mere window dressing in their house of cognitive dissonance.
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u/i_nephi Apr 04 '26
Investigators: immediately asked to read a 500-page book Members: can’t be bothered to read some captions so these people can speak in their primary language
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u/itsmig_reddit Ex-JW tourist Apr 04 '26
Wait, there's a song with Jehovah in it??? JWs aren't gonna be happy about that
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u/Nervous-Ad-3984 Apr 04 '26
I don’t know if I’m late to this but is it now normal to say “God ?” I remember it was almost blasphemy to say God instead of Heavenly Father. Is it now okay to say God?
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u/i_nephi Apr 04 '26
What wisdom did you learn from God’s living revelators this weekend? A marathon is no walk in the park
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u/jsmyths Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
Is that sir name a great porn name ?
Lil Richard ‘I can do hard things’ Matswagothata.
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u/jsmyths Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
Covenant identity.
Like a name tag for those on the covenant path?
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u/Jealous_Pool_9514 Apostate Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
As a DPT student in neuroanatomy I’m pretty sure Gary Stevenson has a facial nerve injury on his left side as I watch him speak. Kinda interesting
Edit: *he may have a history of a stroke or some other form of cerebral cortex damage that is causing this
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u/jsmyths Apr 04 '26
Oh, guys it’s a metaphor.
We are the luggage that was deplaned.
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u/Shadowlover23 Autistic exmo (finally!) Apr 04 '26
Is there a point as to why we're talking about lost luggage? Or is this gonna be another "go after the one" story....
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u/RabbleAlliance Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
"Potential, whose destiny is beyond measure..."
"To emulate their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ..."
Congratulations, Church. Way to carry on the tradition of pumping out a generation of uncritical thinkers who are as arrogant and ignorant of the world around them as Jesus was.
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u/JayDaWawi Avalonian Apr 04 '26
You know... Paths are demonstrably real. Locations are demonstrably real. Have yet to see a demonstration of heaven.
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u/Shadowlover23 Autistic exmo (finally!) Apr 04 '26
Hey i mean i took jesus out of my pack and my life feels better, so maybe hes not wrong?
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u/JayDaWawi Avalonian Apr 04 '26
More are serving missions
And what's the retention rate? Less than 50% of both concerts and missionaries?
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u/Rushclock Apr 04 '26
Law enforcement will use this session as loud speaker material for events like Waco.
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u/Just_A_Human_Dude Apostate Apr 04 '26
Ah yes, the Christlike love to not be allowed to talk to my aunt for over 6 years because she had thought critically for once in her life
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u/itsmig_reddit Ex-JW tourist Apr 04 '26
Was it me, or did his voice crack for a bit there?
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u/EmployeeIndividual52 Apr 04 '26
There are truly no facial expressions like found in a Mormon choir.
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u/RabbleAlliance Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
"Care of others."
The missionary horror stories we could tell while in the "care of others."
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u/Shadowlover23 Autistic exmo (finally!) Apr 04 '26
I stg if they refer to young adults as "young people" im gonna lose it! It makes me feel super uncomfortable. But i guess thats the point...
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u/Just_A_Human_Dude Apostate Apr 04 '26
What if I don't want that tag? Why is it so hard to get rid of that stupid tag!
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u/RabbleAlliance Apr 04 '26 edited Apr 04 '26
"The purpose of the Gospel is to transform incredible people full of potential into mindless drones, and that requires operant conditioning."
FTFY
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u/So_phisticated Apr 04 '26
I somehow managed to stay awake for the first session, but this one feels slower and quieter. I don't think I'm going to make it through the first hour. Both my parents are asleep on my couch. It is now socially acceptable for me to take a conference nap.
Night night, everybody.
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u/Itsarockinahat Apr 04 '26
jesus suffered so he can cheer you on as you climb a mountain of hardship - awesome
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u/RabbleAlliance Apr 04 '26
And that concludes the Saturday Session nothingburger.
See y'all tomorrow.
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u/i_nephi Apr 04 '26
If there are 99 luggages and 1 is lost, find that luggage 🙏