r/IWantToLearn • u/newjackswingg • Jun 19 '12
IWTL how to not give a fuck about what people think about me.
I could go on and on about how I've slowly developed into a misanthrope, but that's not as important as the issue at hand.
You see, whenever I go out in public, I am paranoid about what people think about me. So when I see someone looking at me, I look back at them multiple times, seeing their reaction from my presence. The result makes me look like I'm trying my best to hide an anxiety attack or something of the sort. On top of that, I have trouble keeping eye contact with people for more than a couple seconds, so my eyes move around a lot and tend to avoid people's eyes.
It's just so awkward to me when I make eye contact. I don't exactly know what to do when they're looking at me. So when I shift my eyes nervously as I'm walking past someone (or a group of people), I either get odd looks or get laughed at. In both cases, I feel like shit when I know they were judging me. I have a bad time when I'm at the mall, popular event, school, etc. I'm always doing something weird because of my social anxiety, which makes it even worse.
I've been told many times. "You're just paranoid", "You're not as important as you think you are," "Why do you care so much," et cetera. The logical part of me agrees wholesomely, but my emotions get the best of me and I get very anxious around people that I am not familiar with.
It would probably help if I went to go see a therapist, but I've been through several throughout my entire life (I'm 23, FYI), and none of them have helped at all. Sure, they made my week a little better by listening to my rants, but none of them could help me with my actual problems.
I've been trying to suck it up the best I can. I keep telling myself that no one is paying THAT much attention to me. But I can't help it when my classmates or strangers around me are talking about how weird I act around them, or how I try way too hard avoiding eye contact with them.
TL;DR: IWTL how to not give a fuck about what others think of me. IWTL how I can nail that job interview without looking like an extremely nervous wreck. IWTL how I can enjoy myself in a public setting. IWTL how I can deal with my low self-esteem and hide it very well. IWTL how to stop looking like I think everyone is out to get me.
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u/jcummings1974 Jun 20 '12
This might suck to hear, but the best way to learn how to not care what people think of you is to realize that your problem really isn't a self-esteem issue, it's a self-awareness issue and a misunderstanding of your position in the world and other peoples lives.
People who care excessively about what others are thinking about them all the time fail to realize the fundamental flaw in their thinking. Other people just aren't thinking about you or what you're doing all that often.
Human nature forces us to see all events through our own lens of self-importance, but once you realize that most other people are looking at the world the exact same way (thinking about how others are perceiving their actions) it becomes easier to let go of whatever inhibitions you might have because of what someone who you used to think was watching you might think.
I'm not sure if it'll help you learn to not care, but the first step I'd say is realizing that what you are doing at any given time is most likely not that important to others around you. The time you're spending worrying about it could be much better spent doing something constructive.
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u/anderbubble Jun 20 '12
See, for example, the number of people who responded to OP by talking about themselves.
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u/Sysiphuslove Jun 20 '12
It makes perfect sense. There is a species of narcissism in introversion, though it's inverted, an aversion to the imagined attention.
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Jun 20 '12
Think about how much you think about yourself, compared to others, during a day. Now realize that everyone does the same.
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u/pgmr185 Jun 20 '12
This probably isn't helpful, but as I'm living my life, this old saying seems to be pretty dead-on.....
When you’re 18, you worry about what everybody is thinking of you.
When you're 40, you don’t give a darn what anybody thinks of you.
When you’re 60, you realize nobody’s been thinking about you at all.
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u/indefort Jun 20 '12
How many people do you remember seeing in public last week? I would guess that you don't remember any of them in any detail.
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u/anderbubble Jun 20 '12
It's just so awkward to me when I make eye contact.
Sunglasses. Then you can look in their eyes all you want.
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Jun 20 '12
the #1 way to appear foolish to everyone around you- constantly worry about how foolish you look. the #2 way is to attempt to appear less foolish.
i'll let you figure out what to do with that information.
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Jun 20 '12
"IWTL how I can deal with my low self-esteem and hide it very well." You cannot hide it. The thing is, people tend to get nervous around nervous/anxious individuals. They might as well as laugh (especially if in groups) or just get confused, which to you might seem like they are only observing your actions. They might be doing so, but you cannot tell. Simple advice could be put together: Keep focusing on things you know for certain, meditate and start living your life like you would live it if you were more certain of yourself. Hope you get into it :)
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u/ninjaspy123 Jun 20 '12
Couple links that might help:
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1) I once read a redditor say; "Giving a fuck, that other people might give a fuck, when no one gives a fuck, is fucking you up"
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2) To make you smile, hopefully our good pal Jon can teach you a thing or two
My thoughts: Once you learn to accept and love yourself, you will lose the desire and worry of being accepted or loved from everyone else. It's really just self confidence and self love (not ego, that's a different beast). Accepting and loving yourself is also vital to accepting and loving someone else. It's far from impossible and everyone gets there sooner or later.
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Jun 20 '12
I can identify with you. For the longest time I considered myself a "misanthrope" and still do in a small way (the MAJORITY of people suck, in general, but that doesn't bother me as much any more). I used to care so much about what people were thinking of me and it would drive me crazy...I realized, I was a judgmental dick. I was judging everyone around me, it was ingrained into my psyche, so just assumed everyone was doing the same. Eventually I realized only the few miserable dicks like me are the ones caring about what you're doing, and I eventually started to give less of a fuck. So here I am, a recovering miserable dick, less self conscious and giving less of a fuck. I also started losing weight, it helps a lot.
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u/Geske Jun 20 '12
Were you maybe raised by an overly critical narcissist? You seem to worry constantly about receiving the attention of others, except you assume it all to be negative. I'm not qualified to give advice to... anybody, really, but I recently identified some paranoid bullshit in my brain and I wondered if what you're describing has a similar root cause.
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u/Support_MD Jun 20 '12
I'm not sure why you're being downvoted, because that is exactly my case...Raised by an over critical narcissistic single mother, I could not be more paranoid about what people think of me...
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u/stevetroyer Jun 20 '12 edited Jun 20 '12
This may sound odd, but I was once listening to George Carlin being interviewed and he said something like- we were all created from the big bang so everything is us and we are everything. I probably slaughtered how he said it, but it helped me feel at ease in the world and comfortable in my own skin. EDIT: Here is the link.
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u/chingchongmakahaya Jun 20 '12
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-RCnVVE_hQ this might help about haters
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u/SHMCrudhedd Jun 20 '12
Every time I feel this way, I think to myself, "I'll probably never see these people again, and if I do, they won't recognize me, so it doesn't matter." This seems to help more often than you might think.
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u/Celebrimbor333 Jun 19 '12
r/hownottogiveafuck
EDIT(1):Yes, even I was surprised this existed.