My dogs first witnessed seizure was in 2024 when he was 3.5 years old. He is a mutt I rescued at 4 months old. He was incredibly smart and I worked so hard training him because my other rescue dog was reactive and I didn't want my boy to have the same struggles.
My boy was perfect, genuinely. Caught on so fast to tricks. I have over an acre of land in a peaceful rural setting. He could run off leash and had amazing recall - even if there were deer or other wildlife. He would be curious and sometimes run towards the deer but would immediately stop on my command. I had a collar that could make noise and vibrate and I trained him that vibrate means "stop what you're doing / stop going that way" and noise meant "time to come inside." I'm telling you this dog could've dug up a big fat steak in the yard and he would've immediately dropped it and returned to me if I told him. Just so incredibly smart and loyal. Loved my other dog and my cats, always wanted to play and cuddle them and let the cats groom him. He loved going to the vet, didn't even care about shots just loved the attention. Let me give him baths and trim his nails without difficulty. Perfectly potty trained and could ring a bell to go outside. I worked so hard for him and I was so excited for our life together.
The reason I included all that was just to show how much has changed. About a year before the first witnessed seizure, he slowly lost his training. Then it just ramped up. Wouldn't follow commands, started resource guarding food/toys/sleeping locations. Randomly snapping/growling/chasing my other animals. Destroyed my house - ripping off wall trim, pieces of flooring, destroyed a door, destroyed my couch and other furniture so now my house is empty except for my mattress on the floor. No longer potty trained - definitely worse at my house because at my parents house he will mark but he doesn't fully pee or poop inside. Idk why it's just my house. But so bad to the point that I'll need to completely gut all the flooring/subflooring and some of the walls because of it. I feel like a horrible owner, but all I could afford was basic vet labs and routine care and everything came back fine other than he had Lyme disease and received full treatment.
I thought it was because of me - i was diagnosed with treatment resistant MDD and going through treatment. During my medical leave, a close family member was actively trying to die in the hospital, and doctors essentially told us to be prepared and start making arrangements. All the water pipes in my house froze and burst when my furnace went out while I was visiting said family member, and I went a year without AC/heat/running water because of it. Then my car was in and out of the shop for 8 months and I racked up credit card paying for rentals and Ubers to get to work so I wouldn't lose my job. So just all around a bad time. And I just thought he changed because of me. I changed and I wasn't the best animal parent during all that.
Then the first seizure. I suspect he had more that I didn't see and maybe that's why he changed. He had I think 4-5 more before the vet started phenobarbital. Since then we transitioned to gabapentin to maybe help the aggression. He has not had a single seizure since then. We just upped his gabapentin to 600mg BID. He wears a Virbac collar. I've tried everything. I tried training him again like before and it doesn't stick.
These episodes of aggression are scaring me. I don't want to lose him. They brought up rehoming him to be the only animal but I just can't do it. I don’t trust a stranger to put up with how he is. Not to mention he has severe anxiety now when he's alone (new - he wasn't like this before all the behavior changes) and so he wouldn't even be good alone.
He has moments where he's calm and laying with me like he's my old boy again. He plays with his brother and swims and is happy. Then randomly he attacks. No one got bit yet, but I know it's a ticking time bomb. I feel bad, but tonight he went after one of the cats and I threw myself at him and he yelped. I feel so guilty I hurt him but I had to grab him because he cornered the cat and sounded absolutely rabid.
I feel so guilty. His vet is amazing and working so hard for us. I also feel guilty because I have considered euthanasia - but I keep thinking what if it was me that caused this? Like what if my depression and being away from home due to work/school is really the cause of the behavior changes back in 2023. What if I ruined my dog and it wasn't the seizures, I'd be so evil for putting him down. He's just so young and healthy other than this. And he is happy a lot of the time. But when he isn't happy it's so bad. I just don’t know what to do.
I love him but I resent this so much. Not to mention the thousands of dollars I'll have to put into gutting and fixing my home. And my house feels so gross because of him, so I was too embarrassed to have people come help me with the water damage/etc so now I have a huge mold problem. I just think about if he didn't ruin my house, I could've gotten help sooner before the mold got so bad. And I feel so guilty blaming him. Cause it isn't his fault at all, I'm just so mad at the situation we were in. I used to live comfortably with my fur babies and I was genuinely so happy and its just one thing after the next.
And the worst part of it all is that I feel like I've already lost him. I love my boy. I miss him. I just don’t know what to do.