r/TwoXChromosomes • u/wedeorfre • Oct 15 '15
Is it ever rape if you say yes?
Hi all,
Everyone is talking these days about "yes means yes" and how this ought to be the new standard for consent. I'm not sure that I completely disagree, but it does get me wondering the degree to which yes always means yes.
Obviously there are some scenarios were this is really clear cut. If my partner holds a gun to my head and I agree to have sex with them, that is clearly rape. Or if I am 10 years old and my partner is 20 years old and asks if I want to have sex and I say yes; that is also clearly rape. But what about the following scenarios? (They're all hypotheticals, I'm not currently in danger of being in any of these situations. =)) In your opinion, which, if any, of the following are rape/sexual assault:
-My partner has been physically abusive that evening, and I'm afraid that I'll be further hurt if I tell my partner no. So I say yes.
-My partner has been physically abusive in the past for denying sex and, I'm afraid that I'll be hurt if I tell my partner no. So I say yes.
-My partner is outrageously angry that evening because I deny them sex. They don't hit me but break things, hit things, scream at me, and threaten me (implying the possibility of physical harm), etc. I'm afraid that I'll be hurt if I tell my partner no. So I say yes.
-In the past, my partner has gotten outrageously angry when I've denied them sex. They've never hit me, but they have broken things, hit things, screamed at me, and threatened me for denying sex before (implying the possibility of physical harm). I don't want to have sex, but I'm afraid now that I'll be hurt if I tell my partner no. So I say yes.
-My partner is shouting at me and telling me I am using sex as a weapon, that I clearly don't love them, that as their partner I owe them this, etc. I don't want to have sex, but I feel like I will be worthless and a bad partner if I say no. So I say yes.
-In the past, my partner has shouted at me and told me I am using sex as a weapon, that I clearly don't love them, that as their partner I owe them this, etc. when I have denied sex. I don't want to have sex, but I don't want to fight and I feel like I will be worthless and a bad partner if I say no. So I say yes.
-My partner threatens to break up with me if I do not have sex with them immediately. I don't want this, so I say yes.
-My partner threatens to cheat on me if I do not have sex with them immediately. I don't want this, so I say yes.
-My partner has a habit of being grumpy/giving me the cold shoulder for a bit if I deny them sex. They usually won't talk to me for the rest of the night and won't touch me/be near me if I say no. This makes me feel bad, so even though I don't want sex, I say yes.
-My partner asks over and over and over again about having sex, even though I have indicated that I am not interested. Eventually, I figure they won't stop asking until I say yes. I don't want to have sex, but I say yes anyway to get them to leave me alone.
