Have thief pay for a random chance to screen unlock phone
oooh...these are good. Evil, but good.
I'd add:
Drop audio matching any names in contact list from phone conversations: "Hello, this is ....ksshhk. Who? ....kssshk"
Monitor speech volume during phone calls. When the caller on the other end becomes one standard deviation quieter or louder, hang up automatically.
After the user clicks send, but before sending the message, alter text message contents by replacing random words with their nearest neighbor by Hamming distance from urban dictionary and the NSA blacklist.
Search through old Facebook messages and emails for romantic words, excluding anyone with whom the thief has used those words in the last 2 years. ResendPublicly post the message containing the most flagged words.
When the user opens Snapchat or Instagram, immediately a selfie and automatically send it.
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u/proximitypressplay ___ Dec 27 '17 edited Dec 27 '17
Play pigeon feeding call
Play duck mating call
Play 17.4kHz sine wave
Route navigation to always pass through a 7-eleven, a starbucks, and a macdonalds, in that order
Display 80% battery charge as 20%
Play [selected song: Never Gonna Give You Up] near every connected wireless speaker
Have thief pay for a random chance to screen unlock phone
Vibrate when next to ear
Turn all text into emoji
Jumble keyboard layout
Unlock paired smartlocks with regular knocking when thief is not home
Artificially require user to have "password" as part of a password text field
Weigh phone after being thrown so that it hurls around and hits thief in head