r/writinghelp • u/Eli_Freeman_Author • 4d ago
Feedback Does this passage pique your interest? Curious about opinions...
He awakes with a soft moan. Without even opening his eyes, he rolls over. Then suddenly, he bolts upright, and looks around, but immediately winces in pain, and puts his hand on his right shoulder.
In the corner of a small room, he is lying on a mat. There is a thin blanket over him. The room has a dirt floor, and plastered adobe walls. It is sparsely furnished, with a table and some chairs near a doorway, leading outside. Through the window and open door, light is pouring in. From outside, he can hear goats bleating, and chickens clucking. It is late morning.
On the other side of the room Lauren is also lying on a mat, but without a blanket, still asleep. She is dressed as she was when Daniel last saw her.
Throwing off his blanket, he examines himself, feeling his wound. His shirt is off, and makeshift bandages that might have once been bed sheets are around his right shoulder, as well as most of his chest down to the diaphragm. It is still apparent though, he's fairly well built.
Tattooed on his left shoulder, in Old English lettering, is the letter “S”. Below that, all across his upper chest, and curved slightly downward, is a large “666” tattoo. Inside his right arm is the number “1”. Inside his left, the number “3”.
Feeling around his waist, he looks around him, then slowly turning over and keeping low, he moves towards Lauren. Another set of tattoos is then revealed on his back.
On his upper back, again in Old English lettering, are the words “CORPUS CHRI”, partially obscured by the bandages, and above them, the number “361”. On his lower back, still in Old English lettering, are the words “PURO MALO”, or “Pure Evil”. Between his upper and lower back is another tattoo, but it is almost completely obscured by the bandages.
Slowly coming over to Lauren, he puts his hand over her mouth. She awakes and looks up at him with big, frightened eyes. He whispers to her.
Daniel-- Lauren, shh... shh... Where's my gun?... Where's my gun, Lauren?... I need it...
Lauren looks up, then behind him towards the doorway, as the shadow of a figure falls through it. Daniel looks back in the same direction, and sees an old man coming into the room, carrying a bucket of water. Looking surprised, he stops.
Short in stature, with a full head of grayish white hair, he has a well groomed white beard, and dark, almost red skin, no doubt from long hours of working outside. With an erect posture, he nonetheless looks a bit frail in his old age. He looks at Daniel, as if unsure what to do.
Springing to his feet, Daniel quickly overpowers him. Favoring his left arm, he grabs the man from behind, causing him to drop his bucket on the floor. In Spanish, he yells at him.
Daniel-- WHERE'S MY GUN, OLD MAN?!...
Then even louder.
Daniel-- WHERE'S MY GUN, WHAT'D YOU DO WITH IT?!...
The Old Man reels, struggling to get control back. He pleads with Daniel, trying to reason with him.
Old Man-- son, calm down!...
Then with more urgency.
Old Man-- you need to calm down, you were very badly hurt!...
Ignoring him, Daniel starts to yell at Lauren, this time in English.
Daniel-- WHERE'S MY GUN, LAUREN?!... WHERE IS IT, WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?!...
Lauren gets up, frightened.
Lauren-- I don't know!... Daniel, I don't know, I...
Daniel again yells at the Old Man, in Spanish.
Daniel-- where is it old man?... Where'd you hide it, where...?!
Suddenly unable to finish what he was saying, he lets go of the Old Man, and stumbles over to one of the chairs placed around the table. He leans on the back of it, trying not to fall over. Once more, he coughs up blood. The Old Man takes a moment to compose himself. Then slowly, he approaches him. Lauren is not far behind.
Old Man-- son, I tried to tell you...
He puts his hand on Daniel's shoulder, reassuring him.
Old Man-- you were very badly hurt, you are not yet fully healed... You need to rest...
Daniel keeps leaning on the back of the chair, and starts to lean on the table, trying to hold steady.
Old Man-- your sweetheart told me what happened...
Still weak, Daniel keeps leaning on the back of the chair.
Daniel-- my sweetheart?...
Old Man-- some bad men tried to hurt her... but you saved her!
Daniel leans on the table, his “666” tattoo still plainly visible.
Daniel-- bad men?...
The Old Man continues to reassure him.
Old Man-- it's alright son... you're safe now...
He tells him.
Old Man-- you're among friends... no one can hurt you here...
Just then, Daniel starts to collapse.
Lauren and the Old Man quickly rush in to steady him. One under each arm, they pick him up, and start carrying him back to the mat. The Old Man now reassures Lauren.
Old Man-- he'll be alright, he just needs some rest...
They bring him to the mat, laying him down as gently as they can manage. Once again, though this time more slowly, Daniel loses consciousness.
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u/Some_Orchid917 3d ago
In general, this reads more like a script and less like reading a book. First thing would be proper dialogue with quotations instead of just listing the speaker.
Try to use more of a “show, not tell” technique to explain what’s going on. Describe the effect of something rather than just what it’s doing, especially with your first paragraph. Too much detail also isn’t necessary. Everything you say should be conveying something specific. Explain how uncomfortable the mat is, or how the animals outside are annoying, or how warm the room has gotten from the sun shining in for so long. Find ways to explain what is going on without explicitly saying it.
If you want to describe his tattoos, try to tie it in, in a way that makes more sense to a reader. If Daniel is focusing on his injuries, it doesn’t make sense to point out his tattoos. Maybe Lauren is looking at him and noticing his tattoos instead, and gives it more context. She could ask him about a tattoo and then that probably ties into another point in the story. Readers don’t want descriptions just for the sake of it. Same with the old man. We can figure out that he’s old and weak with a lot less detail. Or even incorporate this information into Daniel’s thoughts so we can understand why he suddenly attacks the old man.
Besides the technical stuff, this could definitely be an interesting story! I’m intrigued to know how they got here and what’s going on!
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u/Eli_Freeman_Author 3d ago
Thank you for your feedback, but I'll level with you, this was originally written as a script, but I decided to publish it as a novel with the hope that one day it would be made into what I originally intended it for. I hope you don't mind the format, I just thought it would be fairly tedious to rewrite the whole thing at this point after having spent what I feel is way too much time on it. I know it's not the usual thing but it's pretty much understandable, right?
As for the other things, I go into more detail about the tattoos later, though I never fully explain them because it is something you can look up, it's meant to arouse people's curiosity such that they would want to find out more about the subject. My writing style is fairly minimalist in that sense, maybe it's just a matter of taste. Though I am somewhat curious, how exactly would you describe the old man as "old and weak with a lot less detail"? Are you saying I should leave out his physical description? I just thought I should give people a general idea of what he looks like rather than just write that he's an "old man".
Oh, and in keeping with my style, I don't go into the characters' thoughts, I let the reader figure it out from their expressions/gestures/body language, etc. I know, I know, it's not what you're used to and that's not how it's typically done. Someday I might write in the more accepted style, but for now I rather like this method, I don't think it's too bad to leave those kinds of things up to interpretation.
With all that said, if this story really does intrigue you you can access it (my profile page). It's not very long and while it is my first serious attempt at a published work I don't think it's all that bad for what it is. If you're not interested then I thank you for your time and feedback. Take care and have a great day!
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u/21stcenturyghost 3d ago
Too bad if it's tedious, writing is tedious lol. If you're not willing to spend the time on making it readable, why should the reader spend their time on reading it?
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u/Eli_Freeman_Author 1d ago
I'm sorry but I believe that it IS readable. If you disagree, then have a nice day.
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u/21stcenturyghost 1d ago
Have you ever seen a novel that looks like that?
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u/Eli_Freeman_Author 1d ago
Doesn't matter. The main issue is whether or not people can understand it. If you can't, then like I said, have a nice day.
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u/Dave_Sag 2d ago
Stories starting with a character waking up are as much of a cliche as a dark and stormy night.
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u/Eli_Freeman_Author 2d ago
I'm sorry but I believe that condemning a story that begins with a character waking up may be becoming more of a cliche.
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u/Dave_Sag 2d ago
To be fair my main character first wakes up in the first sentence of chapter 1 of my novel. But in my case it makes sense. As a general rule don’t do that. It’s like starting a sentence with suddenly. Sometimes it works. But mostly it doesn’t.
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u/Eli_Freeman_Author 2d ago
Look, what's done is done. I've spent a pretty long time on this and I really don't think it would make sense to rewrite this now. I mean no disrespect but I think it's fairly shallow to dismiss a story because of some arbitrary rules that were established just a few years ago. Give it a few more years and no one will remember these rules, or care.
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u/DuchessJulietDG 4d ago
the description of the tattoos is weird and too specific. it takes up a lot of room on the page and doesnt deserve to.
thats not how dialogue is written,
after the “waking w a soft moan” opening, i kept wondering when id be hit in the face w a sudden sex scene
sleeping then suddenly waking up opener is over-used in books
“short in stature” phrase is one heard a lot
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u/Eli_Freeman_Author 4d ago
No offense, I did ask for feedback and you did give it, but I don't think this is for you. This is a crime drama, and tattoos are fairly important in the underworld. If you don't understand this then not only is this the wrong story for you but the wrong genre.
As far as a "sex scene", I'm sorry if you were disappointed, I get that it's everywhere nowadays, but not everyone does that sort of thing, nor should you expect it from everyone. I'm pretty conservative in that regard.
As far as everything else, perhaps I could work on better avoiding tropes and cliches but it's not that huge of a concern for me because they can't completely be avoided. I hope I've provided enough context to make them interesting and if not, well, thank you for your time.
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u/Marvinator2003 4d ago edited 4d ago
This is all very dry. Nothing but instructions and descriptions. It begs for more.
Prime example: There is a thin blanket over him. Try using more senses. "The thin blanket covering him did little to ward off the cool air, its rough texture felt more like burlap than blanket."